An SCP-075-INT instance manufactured by an unknown Group of Interest.
Item #: SCP-075-INT
Object Class: Safe
Threat Level: Red ●くろまる
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-075-INT instances controlled by the Foundation are currently being researched at Site-Kybian and Site-DE10. Under no circumstances should the instances be powered, revived or otherwise activated. Instead, a fail-safe copy of every instance is under construction by Foundation researchers and must be used if testing is required.
Items retrieved during Event-075-INT-1 are currently being analyzed and documented. Any information about Event-075-INT-1 leaked to the general public must be made to appear unbelievable using Foundation Webcrawler 360-Ψ ("The Tin Foil Hat") in conjunction with Protocol-075 ("It's True. No Fake News.").
Description: SCP-075-INT is a collection of massive, highly advanced robots and/or vehicles comprised of diverse anomalous technologies and cooking utensils. Their appearance, size and inner workings are highly variable, but all SCP-075-INT instances appear to be designed for retrieving fragile items from dangerous locations, storing them and transporting them back to a base of operations. While some instances require the presence of a pilot or pilots, others are remote controlled or entirely autonomous. Most of these contraptions have a roughly humanoid appearance, but others have a more unique design. Seven were built by the SCP Foundation itself, as detailed thereafter.
Recorded non-Foundation instances include, non-exhaustively:
- A steam-powered robot representing a fox hunter with a shotgun. The eyes are two red spotlights. The name "Artemis" is engraved on the chest plate.
- An android modeled after a samurai in full armour with a range of deployable kitchen utensils on the inside and a traditional Hachimaki headband.
- A black robot with the appearance of an upright-walking aurochs or minotaur with an apron, bearing an insignia which depicts a V-shaped bird against a blue-grey background.
- A completely mechanical giant octopus primarily made of brass. On the upper side of the mantle is a windshield behind which the pilot, an individual wearing a standard diving suit, could be seen.
- A nuclear-powered, mushroom-shaped vehicle mounted on caterpillars, featuring upwards of 20 separate controllable mechanical arms hidden in the mushroom cap.
- An organism with a purple exoskeleton consisting of chitin and keratin, roughly human-shaped, but with four arms and multiple eyes and noses. How it was controlled is unclear.
- An antique-looking, oversized toy robot painted purple, yellow and violet with a large "W" painted in white on the chest. It was apparently powered by a group of three unnaturally muscular English bulldogs and five similarly modified corgis in running wheels. It was piloted by a young woman in a top hat, an older woman in a sky-blue dress and a man of indeterminable age.
- A six-legged vehicle welded together from various parts, which resembles a miniature castle. Closer examination revealed that it was barely held together by thaumaturgic seals and would have required constant patching by the pilots. A number of magically inclined subjects have been sighted in its vicinity.
- An ornate humanoid robot with four arms, two horn-like antennae and with a permanent smile. The "hairs" were flexible, prehensile fleshy tentacles. This instance had exceptionally advanced mechanics and seemed to hover at all times. A logo depicting a laughing, horned being could be seen on the "armour."
- A vehicle resembling a white Volkswagen Beetle (Type 1) painted with polka dots, with four oversized tyres in a style evocative of monster trucks. The inscription "Fun-Lover Rodeo" was spray-painted on the left side. On the sides were two oversized mittens mounted on springs. Of the three pilots, two were dressed in clown costumes while the third individual was an unidentifiable life form.
The items were constructed by several Groups of Interest in order to compete in Event-075-INT-1, informally known as the "Grand esoteric cooking tournament". Event-075-INT-1 is scheduled to occur on 7 May 2022 in an extra-dimensional space in the outskirts of Paris, France. According to recovered information, teams of contestants will be given an imparted time to prepare a dish with anomalous ingredients that they will have collected using SCP-075-INT instances; the winning prize is described by the organizers as an "esoteric artifact of immeasurable value." The event was advertised on various internet forums pertaining to the anomalous as well as in brochures and through word-of-mouth. The organizers of the event are so far unidentified. Although it is advertised as "annual," no past occurrences are known to the Foundation.
The event will be monitored by MTF 20-Rena ("Seers"), who will insure that there persist no visible consequences outside of the extra-dimensional space and block access to civilians. In order to study the behavior and technology of the attending Groups of Interest, the event will be allowed to occur without interference from Foundation forces. In addition, a delegation of Foundation agents fitted with video cameras, microphones and abnormality measuring instruments is to participate to the event undercover. To this end, an instance of SCP-075-INT has been assembled by Foundation researchers. Meanwhile, MTF Mu-12 ("The Rummagers") is to search the premises and locate the aforementioned prize in order to identify it and retrieve it. They will receive support from MTF 9-Alice ("Deep in Reineke's Burrow") in case difficulties arise during navigation. Any outgoing radio signals will be jammed in order to obscure potential live footage of the event. As many People of Interest and Group of Interest members as possible must be detained when the event finishes.
Addendum 1: Recovered brochure for Event 075-INT-1
Due to a memetic effect, this document can be understood by any subject regardless of what languages they speak. The address has been redacted.
Addendum 2: Event 075-INT-1 transcript
Date: May 7th, 2022
Undercover personnel:
- Dr Maxime Vicat (Operation Supervisor)
- Dr Jeanne Gris (Research)
- Researcher Anne Delpech (Research and Communications)
- Agent Guillaume Davet (Security and Local Coordination)
- Agent Sophie Dangevien (Security)
- Agent Justin Ducroc (Security)
Foreword: The Foundation delegation will be participating under the alias "Succulent Caramel Pastries." Dr Vicat will pose as the head chef; Dr Gris as the sous-chef; Rsr Delpech and Agent Davet as chefs de partie; Agent Dangevien and Agent Ducroc as cooks. Their SCP-075-INT instance is a small, remote-controlled vehicle similar to the Singularity Mars rover, with the same anti-gravitational properties. When communicating with each other, Foundation personnel will be using a passphrase to insure their identity.
Transcript by Rsr Delpech.
[BEGIN LOG]
10PM. The Foundation delegation arrives to the location of the event: a dark alleyway between two terraced houses. They meet up with MTFs 20-Rena, 9-Alice and Mu-12. The delegation proceeds down the alleyway, along with MTF Mu-12. They arrive to a wide square surrounded by terraced houses in all directions, with no connected streets other than the aforementioned alleyway. The location is illuminated by 19th century-style lampposts. The houses are unlit.
A number of cooking stations are arranged in a circle around the center of the square, some of which are already occupied by Groups of Interest. At the center is a stage upon which a jury comprised of humanoid entities in hooded robes is assembled. At the eastern edge of the square is an unidentified machine spanning several square meters.
Agent Souhaib (Mu-12): GPS unresponsive. We're there.
Dr Gris: So it would seem.
Dr Vicat: Stressed?
Dr Gris: I'm not sure how well I can cook while surrounded and watched by hostile Groups of Interest.
Dr Vicat: We don't have to actually win the contest, you know.
Agent Souhaib (Mu-12): Y'all just have to play dinner while we're doing the dirty work.
The Foundation delegation stops at a station and begins to deploy its cooking equipment and SCP-075-INT instance. At the station to their left is the Group of Interest known as the Sekiryu Club. To their right is the Polish Anomalous Mushroom Picking Association. Agent Dangevien approaches the PZGA station to question the members.
Agent Dangevien: That's quite a machine you got there.
PZGA member #1: Yep. Nuclear-powered, airtight, enough room for all of our team and mushroom-shaped, of course. Can't let those aesthetic points slip by.
Agent Dangevien: Isn't it a bit slow, though?
PZGA member #1: Maybe, but it's sturdy. We don't know what weird location they're gonna send us to, so it's better to be on the safe side.
Agent Dangevien: So, what do you guys do?
PZGA member #1: We're the Polish Anomalous Mushroom Picking Association, and we do pretty much what you would expect. We also manufacture various products from what we harvest.
Agent Dangevien: Wow, that sounds cool. Do you happen to have a sample?
PZGA member #1: We always do. I'll let you choose one free product from the stockpile over there, and here is my contact info. Believe me, once you try some, you will come running for more!
Agent Dangevien: Thanks.
Agent Dangevien stashes as many items as she can in her portable containment unit. These items are currently being analyzed.
PZGA member #1: What about you?
Agent Dangevien: We're a small bakery not far from here. I can give you our contact info when the contest is over.
PZGA member #1: Sounds good to me. Good luck and let the best chef win!
Agent Dangevien returns to the Foundation station. A woman dressed in a navy blue skirt suit (thereafter referred to as PoI-66-INT) addresses the attending Groups of Interest. She cannot be further described due to anti-memetic properties.
PoI-66-INT: Ladies, gentlemen, and other entities, can I get a thunderous applause for the contestants of the Grand Esoteric Cooking Tournament! Once again, we're back with the crème de la crème of culinary science and parascience. My name is [ANTI-MEMETIC AGENT] and I will be your host for tonight. But before the greatness begins, I'm going to ask for one final moment of your patience while our jury of experts tours the stations to get a better look at the outstanding excursion suits here tonight. Right off the bat, I must say Savory Cuisine Party did an amazing job on theirs. Stay tuned to find out all about it!
Dr Vicat: Oh, we have a chance of winning? Who would have thought.
Dr Gris: Um, Maxime, that's not us. We're Succulent Caramel Pastries, remember?
Dr Vicat: What- but we are the Foundation delegation!
Dr Gris: That's the station opposite from us.
Dr Vicat: Well… I'm gonna go talk to them. Agent Ducroc, guard me, it could be the Insurgency.
(Dr Vicat walks to the station opposite from his own.)
Dr Vicat: [PASSPHRASE REDACTED]
Agent Fuchs: Yep, that's us. Are you from Mu-12?
Dr Vicat: Well, no, I'm from the Foundation delegation, and I would like to know what's going on here.
Agent Fuchs: We're from the German branch delegation. Judging by your accent, I would say you're from the French branch delegation.
Dr Vicat: There is a German delegation?
Agent Fuchs: And if you take a look over here to the right, you will see the Japanese delegation under "Sweet Crunchy Pork." And over there, the Czech delegation under "Stews, Creams and Pottage."
Dr Vicat: Well alright, then. It seems Director Garrett forgot to mention this crucial part of the plan. Do you have your own robot as well?
Agent Fuchs: Yep. Just take a look at this beauty. If the steampunk finish wasn't enough, it's also steam-powered and remote-controlled. It gets the water from its own pocket dimension.
Dr Vicat: That just sounds like overkill.
Agent Fuchs: Saturday nights at DE10 get boring. What does your robot look like?
Dr Vicat: It's a classic Foundation rover. With anti-gravitational properties, though.
Agent Wolf: Sounds a bit lackluster to me, Doctor.
Dr Vicat: We're here to monitor highly hostile individuals, why would that matter?
Agent Wolf: Oh, no, you're right, as long as it does the job.
Agent Fuchs: Won't get any aesthetic points, though.
Dr Vicat returns to the French branch station.
Dr Gris: So what are they?
Dr Vicat: Bored with their jobs, is what they are. They're from the German branch, and others are here as well.
Agent Dangevien approaches the Sekiryu Club station to question the members.
Agent Dangevien: Eugh… that robot looks… special for sure.
Akitsu: That is because you are not habituated to the beauty of pomegranate.
Agent Dangevien: If you say so. So, what's your deal?
Hayase: We love preparing pomegranate. It might not be to the jury's taste, but we are not having it any other way. Although, uninitiated individuals might not catch the true meaning of the word.
Agent Dangevien: Well, what is the true meaning of the word?
Akitsu whispers to Agent Dangevien's ear.
Agent Dangevien: Oh dear. That's… certainly unusual. And… where do you get it?
Hayase: Some sources are better than others, but any ripe subject can be flavorful if prepared properly.
Agent Dangevien: Huh. Sounds like you would be good friends with the Sarkites… Well, the show's about to start, so I'd better get back to my station, if that's okay with you.
Agent Dangevien returns to the French branch station.
Agent Dangevien: Let's not get too close to the dudes on our left. Are we about to start?
Rsr Delpech: Yeah, the lady's about to speak.
PoI-66-INT: Aaaaaaand welcome back to the Grand Esoteric Cooking Tournament! The judges are back to their seats, which means we are finally ready to start. Now, I will begin by explaining the rules: first, the competition's theme will be announced. From that moment, our contestants will be given thirty minutes to explore a chosen location using their beautiful excursion suits and retrieve as many ingredients as they like. Remember, they can bring back whatever they want, as long as it fits the theme! Then, they will be given two hours to prepare a delicious dish to sway our expert jury. Without further a-do, let's announce the theme: Traditional cuisine, with a twist!
Rsr Delpech: Doesn't sound too difficult.
Dr Gris: Wait until we know where they're sending us.
PoI-66-INT: Everyone line up your excursion suits! As soon as the portal opens, it's every man, woman or entity for itself!
The contestants position their SCP-075-INT instances before the machine to the East. Rsr Delpech enables video feedback from the French delegation rover.
PoI-66-INT: Everybody ready? Alright, three, two, one… Forage! Half an hour on the clock!
A two-dimensional, 7-meter wide portal opens in front of the SCP-075-INT instances.
Dr Gris: Wait, they're not gonna tell us where we're going?
Dr Vicat: We're staying here. The rover will do all the exploring. I'd be more worried if I was in one of those manned ones, like that big squid over there.
Agent Davet: Who is that?
Dr Vicat: Probably Nemo and the Nautilus. Don't get too close to them.
The rover disappears into the portal. The video feed shows a sandy medium with a bright green sky. The rover explores the surrounding area for a dozen minutes.
Dr Gris: Oh, I know what this is! We're in SCP-2922-C!
Dr Vicat: Right, well done Jeanne! So is anyone here a 2922 expert?
Agent Davet: The English branch's station is over there, I can go have a chat with them.
Dr Vicat: Sure, ask them where to find something edible in here.
Agent Davet approaches the English branch delegation's station.
Agent Davet: [PASSPHRASE REDACTED]
Agent Adams: Hm, what is it?
Agent Davet: Hey, I'm from the French delegation, we're not familiar with this dimension so we would like to know what's a good ingredient we could bring back.
Agent Adams: Uh… sorry, we're kinda busy right now… our drone was driven into a crack by my esteemed colleague here, and we're struggling to get it out.
Dr Wettle: It was a strider! I didn't know there would be striders!
Agent Davet: Do you want some help? Our rover is pretty fast and it has a claw.
Dr Wettle: You would do that for us? That would be amazing.
Agent Davet returns to the French station, accompanied by Agent Adams and Dr Wettle.
Dr Wettle: It should be in this crack, or the next one.
Agent Adams: So, once Mu-12 appropriate the prize, who gets to bring it home?
Dr Vicat: No idea. That will probably be settled by a twelve-hour long meeting between site directors from every branch, which will take months to set up.
Agent Adams: Or, we could decide in a more exciting way. We could say that whoever cooks the best dish wins the prize.
Dr Vicat: We're supposed to be monitoring anomalous activity, we're not actually doing the contest!
Agent Adams: You're boring.
Rsr Delpech: I see the drone, in this crevice!
Dr Vicat: Alright. Now, deploy the claw and gently grab it. Gently, gently…
The claw crushes the drone.
Agent Adams: Dude! You fucking crushed our drone! How are we supposed to bring anything back now?
Dr Vicat: Guys, calm down, you're not here to win.
Agent Adams: Well now, we definitely aren't.
Dr Wettle: This won't be the end of it. Do you know how many hours we put into that drone?
Agent Adams: Oh, you shut it. This is all because of your misfortune.
Agent Davet: Um, so, about that ingredient…?
Dr Wettle and Agent Adams return to their stations.
Dr Vicat: Great.
A pink reptiliform entity grips the rover and lifts it.
Agent Ducroc: Oh shit! Torch it! Quick!
Rsr Delpech deploys the rover's torch. The entity is struck in the face. It drops dead.
Agent Ducroc: Well, looks like we found our ingredient.
Dr Gris: You want to cook that thing?
Dr Vicat: As if on cue! Let's return to base camp, Anne.
Rsr Delpech: Yes sir.
The rover is knocked into a ravine by a massive minotaur-like robot carrying an unidentified fire-based organism.
Valravn member #1: Move it, short stuff!
Agent Davet: You can't even cook that, it's made of fire.
Valravn member #1: We can't cook it, but we can use it to cook other things! They didn't specify the ingredients had to be in the dish!
The rover is lifted out of the ravine using its anti-gravitational properties and continues towards the portal.
Dr Gris: Do we still have the… um… iguana?
Rsr Delpech: Yep. Now, how do we go about preparing something like this?
Dr Vicat: Who cares. The jury will eat it, not me.
PoI-66-INT: Ladies, gentlemen, and other entities: your foraging time is over! Your two hours of cooking start… now!
Rsr Delpech: Alright, what dish would be easiest? Maybe something simmered?
Dr Gris: Blanquette de veau? Well, blanquette de lézard.
Dr Vicat: While you two get started on that, Sophie should go question some more people.
Agent Dangevien: On it.
Agent Dangevien approaches the Wunderkabinett station.
Agent Dangevien: Everything alright for you?
Ms Mirabilis: Oh, yes, thanks for asking! It's good seeing a friendly face amidst this madness.
Agent Dangevien: If this is so stressful to you, why are you even here?
Ms Mirabilis: Nils insisted. Nils, where are you?
Nils: Over here! And over here… And over here. And over here as well.
Agent Dangevien: Wow, you must be really flexible.
Nils: And I'm not even warmed up.
Ms Mirabilis: Anyway, we're the Wunderkabinett, and we sell small things to try and make people's lives a bit more pleasant. Who might you be?
Agent Dangevien: I'm from a small bakery close by, you probably haven't heard of us. What are you cooking?
The Marionetteer: Well, we found those weird-looking mushrooms so we thought we'd try our hand at Jägerschnitzel. Who doesn't love pan-seared meat with a mushroom sauce and a side of Fritten.
Agent Dangevien: And what's your robot?
The Marionetteer: This old thing. It's not luxury but it works. Just needs a bit of thaumaturgic patching from time to time.
The Marionetteer slaps the side of the SCP-075-INT instance. It caves in slightly.
Amber: I told you Annemarie would have been a better choice.
Agent Dangevien: Who's Annemarie?
A Trabant 601 S car honks loudly.
Ms Mirabilis: Look how happy she is to be here. I just couldn't decline, even though it's a lot of pressure for someone who can't be everywhere at once like Nils. Sometimes you just need to experience something like this to feel alive, right?
Agent Dangevien: I suppose. By the way, do you have an address card or something, so I can come visit your shop after this?
Ms Mirabilis: Sorry, we don't like staying in the same place too long. But maybe if you give me your address, I can make some time and visit you when you least expect it.
Agent Dangevien: Sure. I'll get back to you when the contest is over. I have to return to my station now, so good luck!
Ms Mirabilis: Thanks! Good luck to you too, and have fun!
Agent Dangevien returns to the French delegation station. Irrelevant exchanges omitted.
Agent Dangevien: Eugh… something stinks around here.
Agent Ducroc: God, what the hell is that smell, it reeks…
PoI-66-INT, visibly nauseous, approaches the source of the odor.
PoI-66-INT: Oh my, now what exquisite delicacy would you happen to be making?
GGG member #1: This is caviar made from the eggs of an unknown deceased creature we found. The twist is that instead of being served with vodka, like the traditional Russian way, it is served with the juices extracted from the putrefying carcass. Boiling the remains really concentrates the aroma.
PoI-66-INT: Yes, we noticed. Why don't you tell us a little bit more about yourself?
GGG member #1: We're the Grotto of the Gangrenous God. We are here to show that using fresh ingredients is wrong. Modern society has a fear of decay which we must overcome, because life cannot exist without death.
PoI-66-INT: Well, good luck with that. Now let's move on to another team, preferably on the opposite site of the set.
Dr De Haro, from the Spanish branch, approaches the French branch station.
Dr De Haro: [PASSPHRASE REDACTED]
Dr Vicat: Yes, how may I help you?
Dr De Haro: Hey, I'm from the Foundation team and I would like to know what's going on here.
Dr Vicat: Oh, here we go again. Basically, several Foundation branches have their own delegation.
Dr De Haro: Why was I not told about this?
Dr Vicat: I know, right? Sounds like bureaucracy sucks everywhere on the planet.
Dr Gris: Smells so bad…
Dr De Haro: Are you having trouble with that dish?
Dr Gris: Can't say I've ever cooked lizard before.
Dr De Haro: Can I be of any help? Iguana stew is a common dish where I'm from.
Dr Vicat: Well, doesn't really help us with our mission, but don't let me stop you. Guillaume, why don't you go take some photographs of…
A loud explosion is heard, accompanied by a flash of light.
Agent Davet: Are you alright there?
Valravn member #1: Yeah, yeah, that thing is tougher than it looks, but I've seen worse.
Dark Sushi chef #1: What is the meaning of this? Look at what your fireball did! My sushi is warm!
Dark Sushi chef #2: How repulsive.
Valravn member #1: Sounds like a you-problem, buddy.
Dark Sushi chef #1: This is an attack to my honor. You leave me no choice but to challenge you to a duel.
Dark Sushi chef #1 produces a nagamaki. Valravn member #1 produces a machine-gun.
Valravn member #1: Alright, bring it on, pussy.
PoI-66-INT: Hey, guys, let's settle down. You're supposed to fight only in the kitchen. Inappropriate behavior could be grounds for disqualification.
Dark Sushi chef #1: I find myself ordered to step down, but I will not forget this.
PoI-66-INT: Here, why don't you tell us more about your dish.
Dark Sushi chef #1: This is classical makizushi where the seaweed has been replaced with an unidentified rubbery substance which we found in a river of grey sludge. Do not be repulsed by the unappetizing source, it has very pronounced umami and its combat stats, though unbalanced, are most interesting.
PoI-66-INT: Do you think this is the winning dish right here?
Dark Sushi chef #1: Yes, both in taste and in combat.
Irrelevant exchanges omitted. Agent Davet approaches the second station to the left to photograph their technology.
RR member #1: Impressed, meatbearer?
Agent Davet: Yeah, your stuff looks neat. But… is that your dish? No offense, but it looks like motor oil.
RR member #1: It is motor oil. You have before your eyes the finest inorganic Ukrainian borscht ever made. Seasoned with iron filings made from freshly processed ore we collected in the green desert.
Agent Davet: The judges might have some trouble getting it down.
RR member #1: And…? Eating oil is part of robot culture, so the judges will have to adapt.
Agent Davet: If you say so. It's a shame, you look like you would make some mean toasts!
RR member #1: How so?
Agent Davet: Well… you know, since you're… um…
RR member #1: I do not catch your meaning.
Agent Davet is grabbed by the shoulder by Agent Levinskyi, from the Ukrainian branch.
Agent Levinskyi: [PASSPHRASE REDACTED]
Agent Davet: What's the matter?
Agent Levinskyi: What the fuck are you doing getting so close to these terrorists?
Agent Davet: Are they dangerous? I mean, I was talking to a toaster just now…
Agent Levinskyi: It's the Robotic Republic we're talking about. Their purpose is to destroy humanity and rule the earth in its place.
Agent Davet: Oh… what are they doing on a cooking show, then?
Agent Levinskyi: Cultural imperialism. My point is, photograph them if you wish, but from a safe distance.
Agent Davet: Got you. Thanks for the heads up.
Agent Davet returns to the French delegation station.
Rsr Delpech: This is coming along nicely! Surprisingly, it looks appetizing too…
Dr Gris: Well, don't eat it, we don't know where that thing has been. How long do we have left?
Dr Vicat: Half an hour. Once Mu-12 get the prize, I think we can call it.
Dr Gris: Oh my god, please tell me we're staying for the rating and I didn't butcher this giant fucking lizard for nothing.
Dr Vicat: Well, it was a informative biological case study, wasn't it?
Dr Gris: I'm an astronomer, thank you very much.
PoI-66-INT: Attention… three… two… one, we're done! Please turn off your ovens and lay down your spatulas, the cooking phase is over. Now, it is time for our incorruptible jury to decide which dish deserves to win the Grand Esoteric Cooking Tournament. Let's wait a bit while every team brings their dish over to the stage, and then begin the judging. Who's gonna come out on top? Stick with us to find out.
The Groups of Interest take their turn appearing before the jury. Redundant information omitted. The Kuiyang Sect delegation steps on stage.
PoI-66-INT: This next item appears to be… balls of some kind.
Kuiyang member #1: This is a dish we have entitled ling baozi. It is a variant of the traditional baozi, which is a steamed ball of bread dough filled with ground pork and savory spices. In our case, the pork has been replaced with lingering souls that we retrieved using our ghost-like excursion device. Therefore, the taste will depend on the personality of the person who previously owned the soul.
PoI-66-INT: How original. Um, it's… these are dripping goop everywhere.
Kuiyang member #1: Yes, there seems to be some sort of reaction between the rowdy souls and the oyster sauce.
PoI-66-INT: Well, let's hear the jury's verdict: A 7, a 6 and another 6. Boy, do our judges have a strong stomach. This is why they're here, after all.
The Wunderkabinett delegation steps on stage.
PoI-66-INT: So, what have you got for us? I hope it's more palatable than whatever the previous guys tried to pass as food.
Ms Mirabilis: This is Jägerschnitzel, Walpurgisnacht style.
PoI-66-INT: Looks like normal Jägerschnitzel to me.
Ms Mirabilis: What? I- what do you know about it?
PoI-66-INT: Why wouldn't I know about it.
Ms Mirabilis: Um… to be honest, I put a lot of effort into making something from the afterlife look and taste good, but I can't guarantee that it's healthy.
PoI-66-INT: Don't worry, that's expected. What would be the problem?
Ms Mirabilis does not answer.
PoI-66-INT: Well, I'll give it a try.
PoI-66-INT tastes a forkful of the dish. She stands still with a blank expression for some time.
PoI-66-INT: Okay, I see what you mean. Your team has a good chance of winning.
A Dark Sushi chef steps on stage. The judges sample the dish and cast a rating of 2-1-2.
PoI-66-INT: Ooh, man, what a disappointment. What is your immediate reaction?
Dark Sushi chef #1: I am immensely embarrassed. My honor has been soiled. But the most infuriating part is that this is all because of this dimwit right here!
Dark Sushi chef #1 unsheathes his nagamaki.
Valvran member #1: Wanna say that again?
Valvran member #1 aims his machine-gun.
PoI-66-INT: Now, gentlemen, let's not do anything brash…
Kuiyang member #1: Hey, you put that gun down. If you two are going to fight, let it be a fair fight.
Valvran member #1: Mind your own fucking business, bozo.
Dark Sushi chef #1: This sword is the best of weapons! How dare you insult me in such a way? I shall fight you as well!
Kuiyang member #1: Get the fuck back. Don't force me to get the excursion suit.
Valvran member #1: Oh, two can play that game.
Various Groups of Interest activate their SCP-075-INT instances with the intention of fighting.
Dr Vicat: This is our cue to get the hell out of here.
All Foundation delegations leave the extra-dimensional space. MTF 9-Alice engages the SCP-075-INT instances with heavy equipment. Various explosions and metallic sounds are heard.
Dr Vicat: Well, that was much closer than I would have wished.
Dr De Haro: Why in hell would they send seven of our branches here independently? And without informing us?
Agent Levinskyi: Bureaucracy…
Agent Wolf: Maybe the O5 were just bored out of their minds.
Dr Wettle: So… what came out of this? We got a bunch of research data and items, right?
Agent Souhaib (Mu-12): You're forgetting the most important part. Check out what we got while you guys were playing around with robots.
Agent Fuchs: Oh, the prize! I completely forgot!
Dr De Haro: Let's see that esoteric item of immeasurable value.
All personnel stand back. Agent Souhaib (Mu-12) proceeds to the opening of the crate.
Dr Vicat: What is that, a stove? Try turning it on.
Agent Adams: It's a gas stove, yeah.
Dr Gris: But… look, it's turning this bread… back into dough?
Agent Levinskyi: So what, it's a stove that cooks things backwards? That's it?
Dr Wettle: It's a fucking stove that cooks in reverse. We went through all of that for a fucking inverted stove.
Agent Fuchs: Are you kidding me? Immeasurable value, my arse!
Dr Gris: Well, on second thought… this is from a contest with no entrance fee and no prior notice, run in a dark alleyway, the organizers are unheard of and the host is anti-memetic. Maybe we should have seen it coming.
Short pause.
Agent Adams: So who wants to take it home?
Dr Vicat: You can have it.
Agent Adams: I don't want it! Here, take it!
Agent Fuchs: I think the Spanish branch deserve it because of their involvement.
Dr De Haro: Get lost!
Agent Wolf: Or, we could wait for a twelve hour meeting between site directors from all branches, which will take months to set up. Meanwhile, this useless thing can sit in a random warehouse far away from any of us.
Agent Levinskyi: Sounds good to me.
Dr De Haro: Yeah.
Agent Adams: Alright.
Dr Vicat: Finally something we can all agree on.
[END LOG]
« SCP-074-INT | SCP-075-INT | SCP-076-INT »
Cite this page as:
"SCP-075-INT" by Reyas, Kilerpoyo and Einer von Rabe, from SCP International. Source: https://scpint.org/scp-075-int. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
For more information, see Licensing Guide (hosted on EN).
Licensing Disclosures
Filename: crane.jpg
Name: TRA robot at Taipei Station 20120318
Author: lienyuan lee
License: CC-BY-SA 4.0
Source: Wikimedia Commons
