I wrote about a particularly bad panic attack I had while at the acupuncture doctors office 4 weeks ago. Post is here. I went back last night for the first time and had a fair amount of anxiety going into the office. I was also openly hostile. This was not a conscious choice but rather something beyond my control. I was closed off and simply full of rage.

There is a substance called Moxa that they have started using in the office and it really affects me for some reason. There is the smell of it which I find offensive. That is one thing. But it was building into something more as every time I complained about the smell, I was greeted with kindof vacant "smile and nod" and dismissive statements about how it's so beneficial. In other words "quit your bitching and accept it." Talk about your triggering feelings for a survivor!! It all came to a head when the doctor offered to put the Moxa oil on me during treatment and I flipped out and said no, how I find so offense. To quote my prior post "The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then. We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit." From there, I spiraled downward into the worst panic attack I've had in years, unable to breathe, paralyzed to communicate other than hysterical, hyperventilating sobbing.

I didn't put that significance together until last night. I was thinking through the incident and my reaction and then it hit me. He closed the door and walked out while dismissing my statements.

On more than one occasion, my mother walked in while my brother was sexually abusing me. Unable/unwilling to deal with it.....she turned around, walked out and closed the door behind her. Dismissing the whole thing.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut while I was sitting there and made that connection.

Last night the Dr. used a fantastic treatment called NAET on me. He treated me for my sensitivity to the Moxa and also treated me for anger, rage and cellular memories. I felt so much more calm and open by the time we left. It's really an amazing, miraculous tool that I HIGHLY recommend if you can find a practioner who is licensed in it.

I recognize that I have so many mother issues left over. I have been very angry with her lately. I notice when we talk, I can barely look her in the eyes. I place a room's distance between us and stand with my arms & feet crossed. I wrote the following a couple weeks ago and have had it saved in draft because it didn't seem like a complete idea but it's relevant here.

I was thinking more about B's focus issues. I made some calls yesterday and have a lot of work to do, a lot of avenues to explore. I go back to that feeling that I don't want to just cave to what is "easy".....I want to do right by her. And I realize the reason I feel SO incredibly strong about that statement is because, when my mother had to deal with my abuse and my cutting and all the problems that resulted from the abuse, she shoved me off to a psychiatrist who I never spoke to, swept it under the rug and that was pretty much it. Oh except for the part where she fed me.....and taught me to eat my feelings. That's helpful....your brother raped you? Here, have some cookies. She did the easy. Not what was right. I will not do the same to my daughter.

I simply do not know how to work with these feelings going forward. And it's the holidays no less...... good times.

I'm having a rough week. There are many different things going on that have led me here but the one really weighing on me right now is my daughter. Or as I now realize....it's actually me. Inner child me and my biggest fears about myself.

Bianca has some challenges with learning. She has a neurotransmitter imbalance which causes ADD like symptoms. It's incredibly frustrating for both of us. I'm going to admit something horrible here for the sake of being honest and for helping myself process what it is I'm feeling.

Lately, I want nothing more than to slap her across the face and tell her she is lazy and stupid.

Of course, I have not and I will not. But I give in to my frustrations and I envision it in my head. I am a horrible person for even letting that cross my mind and the guilt is eating me alive. It was not until the other day that I realized I'm not talking to her in those instances. I'm talking to me. Exactly the way my father talked to me. And guess what? My father felt those things about himself, too...but he gave in to putting it all on me. And I grew up feeling stupid and lazy. And still, to this day, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still feel stupid and lazy. If I am not multi-tasking, accomplishing everything perfectly, making all the right choices, having all the right answers then clearly what he told me is true. And now I'm passing it on to my daughter. Because I'm starting to think that some, if not all, of her issue is what she is picking up from me. She asks me the stupidest questions and I can feel myself look at her with disgust. And I mean stupid. Like she will ask me where something is when it's right in front of her, where it always is. And I can tell she is kidding/pretending. But she will defend her mock confusion with arguments & tears if need be. I tell her I know you are smarter than that, it's not cute to pretend you're not smart. But the way I feel when I answer her, mentally slapping and calling her stupid....I mean, she's....well, she's not stupid! Kids are incredibly perceptive. I'm just starting to think that she is creating a self fulfilling prophecy or she's drawing in my negative attention. It could be that she is picking up on the feeling that she will never be good enough to please me so she just isnt' going to try. I don't feel that way about her....but I feel that way about ME and the lines are just so horrifically blurred for me right now.

I feel like I'm setting her up for major failure here. I am disappointed that she is not excelling in school. I am ashamed of her for not being super smart, loving school and excelling at it. I am envious of other parents of kids who are doing better. I am exhausted by the extra effort required for the most basic of tasks. I want to tell her she'd better make sure she stays skinny because she's going to have to count on her looks. So in one swoop, I'll be sure to degrade her intelligence and set her up with an eating disorder. What a stellar mom I am. Truly I do not deserve her. I am highly resentful of the energy and time I have to spend trying to figure out what her problem is. And it turns out the problem could very well be me. Like I needed to be more disgusted with myself right now.

I am falling apart at the seams right now. I have so many issues with her, school, medical and otherwise and I feel like I need a partner to bounce all this off. But I have no one. I am alone in this and I'm terrified to make a wrong, ie: stupid, decision.

I feel like I am failing in every single aspect of my life at this moment.

The fact is I do believe I'm stupid at my core. And I've found ways to compensate for that. In fact, I've worked extremely hard to put on what I feel is a facade of success and intelligence. In my head, I know that I'm smart. But my heart so believes my father. And I'm still letting him control me. And why do I do that? I must be stupid.

I've been reading this book called "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"

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In any case, I found my mind wandering to my Mother. When my Mom witnesses any kind of emotional outburt from Bianca, she is very quick to try to squelch it. Not in an obvious or angry way. But I realized that my Mom does this not just because she can't stand to see Bianca unhappy but because my Mother cannot deal with emotions. I think it's a major trigger for her and one she is not able to deal with AT ALL. It was a seemingly tiny differential but it made me realize something big.
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For a long time, I've believed that I soothed my emotions with food. But I'm not soothing. There has been nothing TO soothe. I use the food to keep the emotions from being identified or felt at all. That was my mother's MO. Distract and give her something that makes her happy before there is some show of discontent. For the love of God, let us not exibit any bad feelings. No wonder I'm able to absolutely zone out on food. It's obviously unnerving to my Mom when I let Bianca feel, express and work through her emotions. She becomes agitated and edgy. It certainly doesn't make me happy when Bianca is having a hard time but I'm glad that I can allow her the experience that will better ground her for life. I'm still working on it for myself, though.

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I saw Susan this morning and went with little on my agenda. I figured we'd talk about my anxiety surrounding Bianca going to Kindergarten and making the right decision for her school. It's often the sessions I have "nothing" to talk about that I get the most out of.
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When I got there, I started off just filling her in on what's been happening since I last saw her. Told her about our long weekend in NH. Then started in on the stress of the happenings when I returned to the office. I was discussing what she and I have talked about before; how I know everything is about choices and consequences but how I feel like I just can't get a handle on things. There has to be a happy medium between where I am and where I'd like to be. Susan asked me how I was feeling at that moment and I said I was wound up. She had me do a centering exercise and then we started talking again. I said how I have such guilt over what is not getting done and this ever present sense of failure. She asked me where is the evidence that I'm a failure? I said "My back log at work, my messy house...." She then asked me where is evidence to the contrary, evidence of what I'm doing right? Umm. "I don't know" I said. She said "Sure you do," and asked me again. I said "um, Bianca?" She asked me what else and all I could see was what I did wrong, what I didn't accomplish, what I'm ashamed of. I can't see what I've done. I see only what I haven't. And I started to cry. So I knew we were onto something.
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Susan asked me what the "little girl" had to gain by holding onto the failures? Nothing. I mean, I know that intellectually. What does she have to lose by letting that go? "Familiarity," I answered. She asked me where this thinking comes from and I was easily able to answer that it was outside messages from my father.....stupid, worthless, nothing you do is good enough. And Susan asked me why I so desperately wanted to make him right? Blech. I don't. Nothing pleases me more than making him wrong! Yet I let his messages dominate my thinking about myself, my worth and my abilities.
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As she and I were discussing this, there were thoughts swirling in my head. It was really, really hard for me to say it but I knew it was a crucial point for me to acknowledge. "My weight," I whispered. "Somewhere in here, my weight plays a huge role. I have this 'fat and lazy' image in my head and I think I'm working so hard, trying to do more than anyone else to prove that I'm NOT fat and lazy yet at the same time, I'm creating a life where that is all I *can* be. Between my eating disorder and the choices I make, too much work, too high expectations, not enough sleep....I make sure that is exactly what I turn out to be." Phew.....the floodgates opened and I cried so hard.
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When I was done, my chest ached. I mean it ACHED. Because it's where I hold all my stress and pain. It hurt and yet it felt strangely hollow and very, extremely exposed. I hugged one of the pillows from her couch to my chest. She asked me get in touch with what emotion or feeling I had at that moment. I already knew......vulnerable. All I wanted to do was turn off her lights and hide in a corner in the dark. Desperately, my head sought out jokes I could make to break the intensity of what I was feeling. Susan said that I seemed much more "present" at that point. I told her I really didn't want to be present and it took all my energy to remain there emotionally and not to dissociate.
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After a few more minutes, I told her I was ready to change topics. I knew I'd put something huge out there but I needed to back off of it and mull it over later (knowing I'd come home to my blog!). I realize that I've made an enormous connection that challenges pretty much the entire way I live my life and judge myself. It's going to take alot of energy and processing and conscious thought to start to change the pattern. I'm committed to it but I'm scared to death.
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I took the last few minutes of my session to discuss my anxiety over Kindergarten. As we talked, I pondered how much of my feelings are "normal Mom" fears and how much is "survivor" fears. She validated that it's a tough thing to sort out since we, as survivors, have such struggle with "normal" and not knowing what it looks like. I mean, for me, 5 years old was not a safe age. So I project MY experience of being 5 onto Bianca, worrying that it will be as full of pain for her as it was for me. I don't want her to be afraid of the world but I was. I started talking about the fact that I'd be sending her out into the world and that I'd be so far away. An hour away. That has been really, really weighing on me. And as I said it, my eyes opened wide when the realization kicked in. This is about *my* mother. My mother wasn't "there" for me and my worry is that because I'm not physically close, Bianca will feel that I'm not there for her. When I know that is so not the case. Because emotionally, I am soooo there for her. Geographical proximity is not what establishes the ability to support her....it's in our relationship and what we build together in our home and in our time together. Ah, things are coming together. Perhaps, by the time she starts in August.....I may just survive it after all.

My Mom is here right now and she's playing with Bianca. We've finished dinner. I had enough yet ever since we finished I've been mentally scanning the fridge and the pantry thinking about what is in there and planning my nighttime binge, after Mom leaves and Bianca goes to bed.
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I mentioned in my last post that I reached out to a woman who is a dietitian. She's the Mom of one of the kids in Bianca's daycare. I'm not going to use her real name here since I've not asked her permission. I am going to call her "JS". We've been corresponding through email and she's been a help, for sure. Though she's not MY nutritionist, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about the topic. And also nice to be able to mix in a little spattering of social & Mom-talk. It takes away some of the intensity. I emailed her last night and confessed it was my "bad" time of day. I told her that I actually feel panic at the thought of choosing NOT to binge. It's something I've just recently realized as I've been getting more serious about dealing with my addiction. And even though I know the guilt, remorse and disgust that follow, I still choose the binge.
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JS responded with this: Do you ever journal? I know this has helped a lot of people - mainly focusing on why the binge would occur and how you will feel afterwards. Really allow yourself to feel the guilt beforehand and writing it down sometimes makes it more of a reality. I have had patients in the past that were actually seeking out the guilt the next day, even though they didn't realize that was what they were doing and really staring it in the face helped. Trying to just ignore the nature of the beast makes it difficult. Confront your feelings and see where that takes you.
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The part I italicized struck me in particular. It made me think about Eckart Tolle and his theory that I keep coming back to. Keeping the pain body alive. Continuing to sabotage myself. I've recognized that I do that to myself in matters of abuse.....beating myself up, choosing bad relationships, holding on to bad memories, negative feelings and anger. Punishing myself when there is no one else to do it. Could this be why my eating has been getting worse as I've felt like I'm making more progress in other areas of counseling? Am I just transferring it from one medium to another?
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Tonight, no matter how scary, I'm making the decision not to binge. I feel dread, fear and panic as I write that knowing that putting it down makes it more real and makes me accountable for my decision. I'm going to brush my teeth when I bring Bianca up to bed and I will blog or knit when I return downstairs. It it's too intense, I will have to go upstairs to bed.
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It's now 2 1/2 hours later and I'm getting ready to go to bed. Before I brushed my teeth along with Bianca, I definitely felt a rush of "No-no-no-no!!!!!! I need to eat!!!" Normally, I would give in to that and allow myself to be talked out of brushing so I could continue my binge. But tonight I went ahead and brushed. And I came downstairs and I haven't had anything to eat. I watched American Idol. I knitted. I did some things on the computer. There have been a few moments of struggle. I definitely want to eat right now. In fact, I'm feeling "hungry". I mean, it actually feels like my stomach is growling even though it's not. It's making me crazy hence the reason I need to go to bed soon. But I did it. I made it through a night without bingeing. And while it's only one tiny blip in the big picture of my addiction, it's a reminder that I can do this. I can make a good choice. I can survive.

Action I take
Parenting choice
Meal I cook
Project I undertake

Advice I give
Sentence I type

Photo I snap
Choice I make
Mile I drive

What I never considered before is the way I have a similar feeling toward food. For instance, when I was on vacation, I WAY overcooked for the week. The 2 days before we left, I was making myself sick trying to eat it all so it would not go in the garbage. I feel the same way at home. I would rather overeat to the point of pain than to discard the food. I think I feel some sort of responsibility or even gratitude (?) toward food for being a comfort to me for so many years of my life and it becomes painful for me to just cast it aside. It's obviously symbolic of myself feeling discarded, unappreciated, cast aside. I never put the two together until I watched the show last night. Very interesting.

This is who I seem to expect my friends to be. Not just my friends....everyone, really. I expect no one to ever let me down. I want them to read my mind, get it right on the first try. Always be available when I need them and to know how to meet my needs without my spelling it out. As I think more about my posts from the past few days, I think I hoard all these bad memories and keep a mental list of times I've been "let down" as evidence that I can't depend on anyone. I think this is my brain trying to maintain the status quo? Trying to stop me from letting the wall down? And then, when I need someone, I dredge up those memories as a reminder of what can happen and how bad it can feel when I allow myself to be vulnerable.

I feel so horribly worthless when I want to talk to someone and they don't have time for me. When in reality, I know that everyone has times that they are busy. I have a real tough time with my male "J" friend. As a man, he likes his "space" when he has something going on. So there have been times I've wanted his ear and he's nowhere to be found for days on end. And, on the one hand, I think "good for him" for putting his own needs first. But, on the other, I feel unimportant because in my backwards & codependent life, I've been groomed to ignore my own needs. So I sit here remembering times I've put others first and that they don't do the same for me. When in fact, I have it quite backwards and mixed up in my head. Actually, no....to clarify....I have it backwards and mixed up in my HEART. My head gets it. My head realizes that these expectations I seem to hold out are totally unrealistic. They are designed to keep me isolated and not to allow me to grow. My head is ready to make a conscious change. It's my heart that is desperately clinging to the old patterns. I keep saying "I feel isolated" and, in fact, I am isolating myself. It's no ones fault but my own.

I think I said in my "V Word" post that XBF was the first person I'd made myself vulnerable to. Not true, in retrospect. He is the first romantic relationship in which I'd made myself emotionally vulnerable in the correct way. But I realize I've made myself vulnerable to many people in my past.

My mother. When I sent her the letter detailing what had happened in my past, I made myself vulnerable to her. And she disappointed me BIG time.

My father. When I reached out to him in effort to heal our relationship and to open communication about the abuse, that was vulnerable. And he denied it all and told me to let it go.

Those are 2 biggies, of course. But as I look back at big and small relationships through my life, I see a pattern of being disappointed. In fact, pretty much every guy I dated or had sex with...I made myself vulnerable to them. I was looking to them to "fix" me; to fulfill me. When in fact my interaction with them took another piece away from me. I make frequent bad decisions about who to open up to. And I take it way too personally when I don't get the reaction I want. But I've also made no effort to speak up and make my needs known. That's a key point. No risk, no reward. So I think my challenge now is to speak up for myself with a select group of people who have "earned" the right for me to put my faith in them. And I have to remember this does not mean they have not, or will not, ever let me down. What it does mean is that I know they love me and want to do what they can to help me. I know they are people who have my best interest at heart and will never purposely hurt me.

I had a great talk with my friend "J" last night and I opened up to her about all that had been on my mind. I found this in my email this morning:

I'm just getting ready to go to sleep and I wanted to write you a quick note. I love you very, very much. You are one of the most important people in my life. Don't forget I am saying this - I want you to call me or email me whenever you need to talk or to vent. I will do my best to always be there for you. I know it is hard for you. I nor anyone else in this world is perfect; I cannot say that I will never again in my life disappoint you or have an argument with you. But you are my sister and I honestly and truly love you with all my heart. You have always, always - even in detriment to yourself - been there for me in all my craziness and wrong decisions in my life. I will be there for you in whatever way you need me - even if it is in ways that I might not understand. I know it is hard for you to trust people - I see (but do not understand necessarily) how much you have been hurt in your life. Like I said before; I am not perfect, but you need to know that I do and will always love you.

****
Well a girl can't really ask for a better "superfriend" than that, can she??

Isn't it funny how you never really put something together in your head and then, when you finally do, you're amazed that such a simple and evident concept escaped you for so long??