Showing posts with label rejection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rejection. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Girl Put Your Records On.....
Or, more to the point, take the record off. Smash that stupid thing on the ground.
So I've been dating.
Well, at least I've been *trying* to date. I joined a dating site about 3 months ago. It's been pretty pathetic, really. Imagine my surprise when about a month ago, I randomly met a guy out of the blue at a fall festival and we hit it off. We've been talking and have gone out three times now.
Last week, as I struggled with some feelings about this man, I realized (and it kills me to admit this) I have no problems with being wanted/desired, objectified even. I'm frighteningly comfortable there. Yet still I feel completely undeserving of love.
On date #2, we did a lot of kissing and flirting and I left there feeling like oh great, now I "have" to finish what I started. Like I owe him now. Because naturally this must be all he wants from me. I know I don't owe him, BTW....it's just the old messages inside of me. There is a sense of dread that I "have" to go through with it. Yet at the same time that there is a sense of relief that says "phew, you can just sleep with him....you know how to do that. Don't think about it...just do what he wants." What I don't know is how to evaluate if he (or anyone) is actually a good person for me, if I want them on a deeper level, if they deserve me. And I really don't know what to do with the feelings of liking him and the fear of rejection. Which naturally would just reinforce the whole "you're not lovable" mantra that lives at my very core.
It's that old record....this is all you are good for. This is your worth. You are an object to be used at the discretion and the will of others. You don't deserve love. If you did, your father would have given it to you. Your brother would have been taught to respect you. You have no right to anything good, whole and pure. This brand of happiness is not in the cards for you, kid.
It doesn't help that I have ZERO idea what is "normal." Sex is such dangerous territory for me. I get lost in it. It's too familiar and way too easy to detach from. Or maybe I should say it's almost necessary to detach from because just forbid I allow myself to be vested in it and suffer the shame and disappointment. I know how to navigate *just sex* but I don't know how to command a man's respect and to feel confident in the knowledge that I deserve to be wanted on every level. I don't feel worth waiting for. I feel like the only thing I have of value is sexual. I feel worthy of being screwed, abused & dumped. I don't even feel like a guy would want to spend money on me to take me out. Like I had better offer to pay or else we'll never go anywhere because certainly he's not going to waste his money on me.
I can't separate what is "normal" feelings of attraction and excitement vs what is me just wanting to run to the familiar and not have to think along a different route that, frankly, is totally counter intuitive for me. I can't ever count myself among "normal" people when it comes to sex because sex has absolutely NO normal context in the whole of my life. Will it ever make sense?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
??????????
My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.
~
I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.
~
About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.
~
The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
~
I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)
~
I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)
~
Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.
~
And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
~
I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
~
I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.
And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
~
I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
~
I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tapping into Grief
~
I had T this morning. Went with only a minor agenda of talking about the card from my brother and discussing father's day. Let me start with the card from my brother part (story in my prior post). I told Susan that I evaluated the card, thought there was an ulterior motive behind it and then just kind of put the whole thing aside. I felt like there should have been a more emotional reaction to it and I stayed open to that but it never really happened. Often, when I've not connected emotionally to something, when I talk about it in therapy I will make the connection there. When I discussed it with Susan, I felt the same way as I did when I got the card. She actually told me that she felt this was very positive. I'm reacting from a here and now, adult perspective and it doesn't appear I'm repressing anything about it. Excellent!
~
We discussed Father's Day and that Bianca had done pretty well with it. I talked about the feelings I have toward Bianca's bio-father and how I have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he has nothing to do with her. I wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about her, wonders about her. It's difficult for me to accept that I will never know the truth and hard for me to let that go. Not in my control-craving nature. Susan asked me what if Bianca had a father who had died when she was a baby? How would I deal with that? I said that would be a million times easier to explain. It's easier to tell her that she had a dad who loved her but now he's in heaven. It's easy to find a million books for kids on how to deal with the grief of a deceased parent. But how do you explain that there is a living, breathing parent who has just chosen to reject her? Susan said that I would have empathy for her if the situation were a dead father but that I'm fully triggered by the idea of rejection and the way I feel and act are because of my own unresolved issues. Dammit! We're almost in a cycle where Bianca has legitimate thoughts about fathers but then it sets me off and she feeds off that so we keep going round and round. I said I just don't want her to end up like me. Everytime I think I'm working past my father issues, I'm reminded that I still have more work to do. In my heart, I still feel responsible for my father's abuse and rejection of me.
We discussed Father's Day and that Bianca had done pretty well with it. I talked about the feelings I have toward Bianca's bio-father and how I have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he has nothing to do with her. I wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about her, wonders about her. It's difficult for me to accept that I will never know the truth and hard for me to let that go. Not in my control-craving nature. Susan asked me what if Bianca had a father who had died when she was a baby? How would I deal with that? I said that would be a million times easier to explain. It's easier to tell her that she had a dad who loved her but now he's in heaven. It's easy to find a million books for kids on how to deal with the grief of a deceased parent. But how do you explain that there is a living, breathing parent who has just chosen to reject her? Susan said that I would have empathy for her if the situation were a dead father but that I'm fully triggered by the idea of rejection and the way I feel and act are because of my own unresolved issues. Dammit! We're almost in a cycle where Bianca has legitimate thoughts about fathers but then it sets me off and she feeds off that so we keep going round and round. I said I just don't want her to end up like me. Everytime I think I'm working past my father issues, I'm reminded that I still have more work to do. In my heart, I still feel responsible for my father's abuse and rejection of me.
~
Susan reminded me that my own father experience had nothing to do with ME. It's all about my father and HIS issues. Yes, I know this......in my head. It's intellectual. Clearly I don't accept it in my heart. Still. I thought I was past this. Susan asked me what I meant when I said I don't want Bianca to end up like me. What kinds of things am I thinking, feeling and picturing in my head? I said I was feeling fear, afraid that she would become promiscuous and foolish the way that I had been, doing anything for male attention to fill that void, to feel loved or lovable. She asked what feelings came up in me for my situation with my own father? Trying to access my feelings kept resulting in going back to my head, to intellectualizing. When I was able to let it down, I said "Grief. I feel grief." And I said "I know why he did what he did.....but I just wanted a Dad." *Sob*Sob*Sob*
Susan reminded me that my own father experience had nothing to do with ME. It's all about my father and HIS issues. Yes, I know this......in my head. It's intellectual. Clearly I don't accept it in my heart. Still. I thought I was past this. Susan asked me what I meant when I said I don't want Bianca to end up like me. What kinds of things am I thinking, feeling and picturing in my head? I said I was feeling fear, afraid that she would become promiscuous and foolish the way that I had been, doing anything for male attention to fill that void, to feel loved or lovable. She asked what feelings came up in me for my situation with my own father? Trying to access my feelings kept resulting in going back to my head, to intellectualizing. When I was able to let it down, I said "Grief. I feel grief." And I said "I know why he did what he did.....but I just wanted a Dad." *Sob*Sob*Sob*
~
Susan suggested I do energy tapping around the statement I made to try to help release some of those emotions. I did and absolutely gushed tears the entire process. In fact, 3 hours later, I'm still crying. After the tapping work with her, I felt exhausted and just sad. I know I did some serious emotional grieving work. After writing this, but before publishing it, I ended up taking a nearly 3 hour nap. Unheard of for me.....I really drained myself.
~
I have to put in a quick funny....I unconsciously hold my breath alot in T when I'm holding my emotions in. When Susan asked me to get in touch with my feelings about my father, I guess I was doing it again. Susan said "Breathe, for heavens sake!! Sometimes I think you could scuba dive without an oxygen tank when I see how long you sit here without taking a breath!!"
I have to put in a quick funny....I unconsciously hold my breath alot in T when I'm holding my emotions in. When Susan asked me to get in touch with my feelings about my father, I guess I was doing it again. Susan said "Breathe, for heavens sake!! Sometimes I think you could scuba dive without an oxygen tank when I see how long you sit here without taking a breath!!"
~
As I was driving home, I was mulling things over. I often say that I feel guilty or responsible for Bianca not having a father. I just realized that my guilt stems from my feeling unlovable.....feeling that I wasn't good enough for her bio-father, for her "Dad" or even for my own Dad to love me, to choose me. And now she has to pay the price for my inferiority. Emotional work sucks. No wonder I avoid it.
Labels:
connection,
father issues,
grieving,
rejection,
Sad,
self-criticism,
therapy
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Still confused
I didn't think I would make it another week wrestling with these thoughts and feelings but I guess the holiday took care of that for me. I didn't have extra time to dedicate to pondering. But I'm back to questioning today. Thinking of my "trio"....XBF, DD's bio-father and my father. Honestly, I think about my own father least of all. But I still believe he is the root of my wanting to contact the other two.
DD has been asking about her Daddy alot lately. XBF took the role and the title of Daddy willingly. He and I started dating when DD was 2 months old. He's all she ever knew. And then we broke up when she was 2 1/2. It's been nearly a year since she has seen or spoken to him and yet she remembers him like it was yesterday. I never thought she would remember him this long. So when she asks for Daddy, he is who she is talking about. I don't know how to explain to her that he couldn't be who he promised to be for her. And that, worse, the very person who created her life refuses to be a part of it. I don't know how to tell her that at the tender age of 3, she has already had two fathers who have both turned their backs on her. I don't know how to explain this rejection to her when I struggle with my own.
I don't understand how my own father could so coldly reject me. I don't understand how he didn't want to love me, protect me, believe me, cherish me. I don't know how I will be able to objectively explain things to my daughter without projection my feelings of shame, betrayal and unworthiness onto her. I want her to stand strong and know, in mind as well as in heart, that whoever does not choose to be part of her life is missing out on something extraordinary. I don't want her to feel that it's her flaws that drive people away and make her unlovable. Because that is how I feel. I feel unlovable. My own father. My brother. My mother in a different way. All the "boyfriends" I've ever had. You know I was pregnant once before when I was 20? My BF of 2 years told me if I didn't have an abortion he would never speak to me again. These are the kind of people I've foolishly chosen to give my heart to. My exhusband who abused me. DD's father who lied and turned his back on me. XBF.....who I loved so deeply even though I see it was not healthy love. I know they are his issues. I see him repeating his cycle....why am I stuck on feeling like I should have been "good enough" to change him? Why do I feel like a failure that I wasn't different in his life? It wasn't my job. It could have never been a successful relationship because HE is not healthy. Why are there parts of me that cling to what was?? Just because I miss feeling in love??
I don't know....I feel so confused. I still feel this gaping void between head and heart. And I so desperately want to bridge that gap but I don't understand how and I swear that the answer cannot be to just give it time because if I have to give it any more time, I'm going to contact one of them and I'm going to open myself up for bigger hurt. I've already written a letter to DD's bio-father though I did not send it. While it begs the question of him "What do I tell our daughter when she asks about you?"....the hidden question that he cannot answer is "Why did my father turn his back on me?" I know that there is no way for these questions to ever be answered. I can speculate from here to the ends of the earth but I'll never know. And the people who hold the answers within themselves are so completely out of touch that they could not explain it if they tried. What does a girl who craves the "Why?" do with permanently unanswered questions? How in God's name do I learn to make peace with that?
Let's think for a minute about what would happen if I actually did reach out to any of the "trio". There are basically three ways it could possibly end.
#1: they do not respond at all.
#2: they respond in a negative way
#3: they respond in a positive way
Well, #1 and #2 are pretty much setting myself up for re-traumatizing. More rejection, more pain, more laying my heart on the chopping block for someone who never deserved it in the first place. There is no good to come from either. Do I need confirmation of what I already know to be true?? And #3....what would I do with that? I don't think I can possibly face or forgive my father. I suppose if he were truly repentent about it, I'd hear him out but let's return to reality....not going to happen. If he were that remorseful, he would be contacting me.
If XBF responded positively.....what would that mean to my life? He's not getting back in. He can't be trusted. He doesn't get another opportunity to hurt me and by all means, he's not going to see my DD again.
DD's bio-father.....well, I'd like to think that someday she will have opportunity to meet him but I also envision that happening with him being a stand up guy. I see what I'm hanging my hat on here......I'm stuck on that miserable like .00000000001% chance that any or all of these three sorry-ass excuses of men will recognize and work out all their issues in a heartbeat and be longing to making things right with me. Curse that blasted Disney company!!!! I am holding out for the impossible, fairy tale, happily-ever-after ending. How many times do I need to circle the bowl with this one before I can finally flush the hope for something that will NEVER happen??????
DD has been asking about her Daddy alot lately. XBF took the role and the title of Daddy willingly. He and I started dating when DD was 2 months old. He's all she ever knew. And then we broke up when she was 2 1/2. It's been nearly a year since she has seen or spoken to him and yet she remembers him like it was yesterday. I never thought she would remember him this long. So when she asks for Daddy, he is who she is talking about. I don't know how to explain to her that he couldn't be who he promised to be for her. And that, worse, the very person who created her life refuses to be a part of it. I don't know how to tell her that at the tender age of 3, she has already had two fathers who have both turned their backs on her. I don't know how to explain this rejection to her when I struggle with my own.
I don't understand how my own father could so coldly reject me. I don't understand how he didn't want to love me, protect me, believe me, cherish me. I don't know how I will be able to objectively explain things to my daughter without projection my feelings of shame, betrayal and unworthiness onto her. I want her to stand strong and know, in mind as well as in heart, that whoever does not choose to be part of her life is missing out on something extraordinary. I don't want her to feel that it's her flaws that drive people away and make her unlovable. Because that is how I feel. I feel unlovable. My own father. My brother. My mother in a different way. All the "boyfriends" I've ever had. You know I was pregnant once before when I was 20? My BF of 2 years told me if I didn't have an abortion he would never speak to me again. These are the kind of people I've foolishly chosen to give my heart to. My exhusband who abused me. DD's father who lied and turned his back on me. XBF.....who I loved so deeply even though I see it was not healthy love. I know they are his issues. I see him repeating his cycle....why am I stuck on feeling like I should have been "good enough" to change him? Why do I feel like a failure that I wasn't different in his life? It wasn't my job. It could have never been a successful relationship because HE is not healthy. Why are there parts of me that cling to what was?? Just because I miss feeling in love??
I don't know....I feel so confused. I still feel this gaping void between head and heart. And I so desperately want to bridge that gap but I don't understand how and I swear that the answer cannot be to just give it time because if I have to give it any more time, I'm going to contact one of them and I'm going to open myself up for bigger hurt. I've already written a letter to DD's bio-father though I did not send it. While it begs the question of him "What do I tell our daughter when she asks about you?"....the hidden question that he cannot answer is "Why did my father turn his back on me?" I know that there is no way for these questions to ever be answered. I can speculate from here to the ends of the earth but I'll never know. And the people who hold the answers within themselves are so completely out of touch that they could not explain it if they tried. What does a girl who craves the "Why?" do with permanently unanswered questions? How in God's name do I learn to make peace with that?
Let's think for a minute about what would happen if I actually did reach out to any of the "trio". There are basically three ways it could possibly end.
#1: they do not respond at all.
#2: they respond in a negative way
#3: they respond in a positive way
Well, #1 and #2 are pretty much setting myself up for re-traumatizing. More rejection, more pain, more laying my heart on the chopping block for someone who never deserved it in the first place. There is no good to come from either. Do I need confirmation of what I already know to be true?? And #3....what would I do with that? I don't think I can possibly face or forgive my father. I suppose if he were truly repentent about it, I'd hear him out but let's return to reality....not going to happen. If he were that remorseful, he would be contacting me.
If XBF responded positively.....what would that mean to my life? He's not getting back in. He can't be trusted. He doesn't get another opportunity to hurt me and by all means, he's not going to see my DD again.
DD's bio-father.....well, I'd like to think that someday she will have opportunity to meet him but I also envision that happening with him being a stand up guy. I see what I'm hanging my hat on here......I'm stuck on that miserable like .00000000001% chance that any or all of these three sorry-ass excuses of men will recognize and work out all their issues in a heartbeat and be longing to making things right with me. Curse that blasted Disney company!!!! I am holding out for the impossible, fairy tale, happily-ever-after ending. How many times do I need to circle the bowl with this one before I can finally flush the hope for something that will NEVER happen??????
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