I feel like a weight has been lifted with regard to B's father. You may recall the last update I gave about him Post Here. I had to do some serious thinking after this one. I know that he hasn't earned the right to be updated about her struggles but I am glad that I told him. Because, until then, I kept my updates light and happy. He was operating under the impression that she is breezing along, doing fantastic. He has said to me on more than one occasion that he is glad she is with me because he knows she is in good hands. Yes, she is. But I don't want to feed into his delusion that, just because she is in good hands, she doesn't have her issues. Some of which are directly attributable to his absence. I needed to give him a little dose of reality. I ended that conversation challenging him about when he might try to reschedule the meeting we had planned in October. He didn't respond. I didn't hear from him for a week and then it was just a general "been thinking about you guys and wanted to see how you were doing." No mention of the conversation we'd had. I answered that we were "hanging in there." I am done giving him super happy updates. I am also done sending him pictures of her. That time is past. It was fine at first when he was catching up but now.....he should be here. He should not be given a free pass window into her life. He's either in or he's out. And at this point, I don't really care which way it goes. I was so vested in it before that I felt like I had to present a happy front in order to get him here. No more. The sad thing is that I know, 100% without a doubt, if I offered myself as part of the deal, he would find a way to get here immediately. That sickens me.

In any case, I gave him the "hanging in there" answer and he did not reply. Ten days later (ie: last Weds, day before TGiving) I get a text from him. Ya know, just a few short weeks ago, I was lamenting the regrettable fact that I "crave him" and contact with him. But on Weds, I saw his name come up as an incoming text and I walked away from the phone. I absolutely did not want to read it. So I continued doing what I was doing until hours later when I felt ready. I gave a bit of consideration to what the message might say and how I would respond. I was calm and prepared until I saw a message that simply said "hey what's your address?" I feel like I agonize over every exchange with him and he just blurts out the most ridiculous garbage. WHAT is the point of that question?? What is he trying to pull?? I have no intention of handing him my address (let me point out that he is stupid bc my address is on every piece of court correspondence that pertains to our case) and so I wanted to figure out how to tactfully say no way! So first I made a joke out of it. I asked him if I won the publishers clearinghouse or if he was setting me up with a coffee delivery service. And then he replied "Maybe. Or maybe I have been known to just pop up....or I wanna look in your window"

What. The. Hell????????????

I had to sit on that one for a minute. And then just said "Tell me why you're asking"
He replied "Holiday cards. If that's okay"

And again, I repeat.....WTH????? Really????? I don't believe for one second that is why he is asking. I think he is trying to fuck with me. His son goes to college near where I live. I feel like he was toying with trying to put that idea into my head....like maybe he'd stop by on his way to pick up his son for TGiving. I am not having it for one single second. Yet again, I feel like I have to give enormous thought to how I say things with him. I want to be clear that our little game is over but that the door to B is still open IF he does the work to walk through it. So I said "That's thoughtful but I think best saved until you and B have spent time together" No reply from him.

Before this exchange with him, I had a fantastic conversation with J, my male BFF. I told him where I'm at with A (B's father). I asked him his thoughts on just telling A I am done with all this nonsense. Wise J said he agreed with that but would suggest I hang in there for another 6 weeks or so......allow the holidays to pass. He reminded me that the holidays can arouse strong feelings about family and the new year can certainly be a time to take stock and think about changes you want to make in your life. So, I took his suggestion and will just bide my time til about mid-January. If nothing has happened by then (which I extect it will not), I will deliver the message that this chapter is done. That the door to B is open but I will not be providing updates, photos and certainly not any form of chit chat between the two of us. He is obviously not ready to follow through and I have to remove myself from a situation that is no good for me.

Since I made this decision, I feel so empowered. I feel like I was really giving all the power over to him and waiting on him all the time. No more. I am in control of my own thoughts, actions, choices. At least for today. :o)

I wrote a post a while back called "Negative." I have been feeling this way for a while and last week it seemed to culminate, again, to a bit of a meltdown. I vented to my BFF and said, among other things:

"I am not satisfied. I feel pressure, always. From every direction. I feel like I live a life of nonstop busyness and obligation. I know that it’s my own issue that I don’t live in the moment to enjoy the things that are enjoyable and then I wonder if I just need to exist this way. Could I even do it differently if I tried?? And THEN I feel like a stupid whining complaining sissy candy-ass that I can’t handle my life. Because really, is it so bad?? I have a great job, a cozy little home and one child who is really not so bad! Why am I so overwhelmed when I’m not doing anything different than the rest of the world?? How dare I complain when there are people without a job or without a home or single moms with 4 kids who work, take care of their home and go to college at the same time? WTF is wrong with me that I need to complain all the time?? I think I am very wrapped up in negativity and I don’t want to be that way but I’m not sure how to go about changing that and I come back to wondering if I am just stuck in this frame of mind and don’t know how to be any different."

And then I wondered......is this a "fake it til you make it" type of situation? Can I simply CHOOSE to stop being that way? I feel like I am wired to the negative. I always see the stress. I see the problems. I don't see the joy, I don't seize the moments that should be enjoyed. I think that I thrive on the stress (when really it is killing me!) and I somehow need that drama. Also, I confess here and now, I seem to somehow need to be sure people know how difficult my life is. I don't know why. I'm not sure what that adds to my life..... When I was younger, I liked to portray the "poor me" angle. I think I believed garnering sympathy from people was the way to get them and keep them in my life. I wanted them to rescue me. I'm so far past that and I clearly am capable of "rescuing" myself, thank you very much! I think I just got stuck in that pattern and I've never broken it because it became habit. And like many other things that you end up identifying with, you wonder who you will be without it. If I choose to no longer be this familiar thing, then who will I be? How will I function?

I choose to be brave and find out who I will be without it. I'm choosing to find the joy. I'm choosing to actively replace negative and stressful thoughts with positive counterparts. Our holiday weekend was very busy but I chose to remind myself about the blessings of it. We did fun things and I made steps to be in the moment and enjoy them instead of stressing about the time, the things that didn't get done, the things I needed to do next. I live, almost constantly, with a clenched knot in my stomach. I am trying to be vigilantly aware of it and release it. Breathe. Relax. Enjoy.

Man, I have had really horrid anxiety these past few days. Worse than in a long time, necessitating the use of Xanax over the weekend. And now I think I understand why. Everything in my mom-gut says this ADD route is wrong. But I recognize that I personally have strong theoretical opposition to it and I don't want that to stop me from getting B the help she needs, *IF* this is what she does need. So I made that appointment and all hell in my brain broke loose immediately thereafter. All that anxiety was caused by my making the ADD evaluation appointment. It's so subjective. I don't do "subjective".....I want black and white. I want to look at an irrefutable test result that says "yes, this is the issue." I don't want to circle a bunch of numbers on a 1-6 scale about behaviors that every kid exibits from time to time and have someone drug my baby as a result. It's just so........damn unscientific!!

I'm still going to do the evaluation as due diligence and to see what other avenues they may have to offer me. B's teacher said to me this morning, as a teacher and as "mom to mom," these are not the academic results she sees with ADD kids. The observations she made supported my desire to have B tested for CAPD. I'm going to make that call later today. She was also able to give me some insight into circumstances in the classroom that could be contributing to B's increased struggle this year. And she gave me a couple great therapy resources. I've thought many times about getting B into therapy. She is pretty buttoned up with me at times. I'm not sure how to interpret that. She is a people pleaser so I don't know if she doesn't want to share her struggles with me because she doesn't want to upset me. Or maybe she picks up on the fact that I am very buttoned up with my problems and does likewise. In my words, I tell her differently....you can talk to me about anything, this is a safe place to share your fears and feelings, etc. But by my behavior, I present totally opposite. Or maybe, as a 9 year old, she simply doesn't know how to make sense of the things she feels. Her teacher gave me the name of the therapist she uses for her own daughter (her daughter is a survivor of a school shooting massacre) and also told me about another therapist who does art therapy. I think that may be a great suggestion for B who is creative by nature and gets umcomfortable with the direct "how does that make you feel?" type of conversations. Since she is interested in telling people what they want to hear, she may do better talking and expressing while distracted by creating.

So I have some avenues to try. And also my BFF shared some of her Valium with me. So I'm hooked up on every angle. A better day.

As evidenced by my last post, I am so quick to judge myself and I can be pretty brutal. So, today, I'm going to take a minute to recognize that I made a good move last night. B has had a rough school year so far. When she is not happy in school, everything suffers. She has difficult days in class, she doesn't do her homework, she is cranky with an attitude, less focused, more resistant to getting up in the morning . It's maddening at every turn and I feel so powerless. Add to that the fact that she is a tough nut.....pretty buttoned up.

Pausing here to recognize how utterly uncomfortable I feel as I teeter on the cusp of giving myself some positive recognition. I want to just scrap the whole thing! A little grounded breathing and I'm determined to continue.

I thought to myself yesterday, and have had this realization before, I am more like my father than I care to admit with the temper and the feelings of inferiority. I can actually relate to him and why he did and said many of the horrible, abusive, damaging things he did. I've had to fight the temptation to follow in his footsteps before. And there is the difference. I fight them. I hate that I even have those feelings but at least thinking them and doing them are two different things.

B didn't do her homework last night for the umpteenth time in the past couple weeks. I was very quiet, I needed time to think, to calm down. She had a karate class then we came home & she finished her homework. And then I sat with her and told her how I believe she is so smart, talented, creative and clever. I asked her what I could do to help her succeed. I talked to her about my expectations....not that she be perfect or do everything right....but that she try her best and always, always come to me or another adult when she needs help. What she said she wanted from me was to be home to help her with her homework. Oooooohhhhhhh the GUILT. We talked about why that can't be right now and I told her I did plan to take away privileges due to her poor choices with schoolwork this week. She was upset but took it well enough. She cried, we hugged and I feel good. I know this doesn't end the struggle but I made a choice for love, compassion and kindness. And that is something my father would never do. And I know when I make those choices of love for her, I am also parenting my own inner child....who I despise so vehemently. So....go, me! A better choice. Baby steps.

Some time ago, I wrote this post about my most symbolic tattoo. Most symbolic yet the one I struggle to remember ALL. THE. TIME.
Paraphrased: Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, is protected by the personality, the psychological structure enveloping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth.

So this tattoo was always meant to be a reminder of the struggle to find my true self, my rebirth, and more importantly as a symbol of my own power. Yesterday, I realized that I am not being particularly Saturnine right now.

I ask myself......is this situation really that big of a deal?? Does it need to be? If I sit so expectantly at A's mercy, won't that energy convey? He may not be that in tune with me (or women in general) but it definitely makes ME feel that he has the upper hand. So let me reframe this. It's a big deal only because I'm allowing it to be a big deal.


A quote from a book that came to mind while pondering this: "Whenever you need something from someone else you become powerless because they can decide not to give it to you."

I REFUSE to be powerless to A or any person!!! I don't NEED him!!! B doesn't need him. We have made it this far without him and we are doing okay. I am extending the olive branch to him for B's sake and also to do my part in her life. But that is the end of my responsibility. This is HIS screw up. Not mine. This is his responsibility to make the effort. Yes, I am absolutely willing to take steps to help make it happen. Literally and figuratively I will meet him halfway. But I am not at his mercy. I am not his doormat. I am not even his friend. I don't have to accept anything from him that I don't want to. I don't need to walk on eggshells with him. I don't need to worry that if I say the wrong thing, he will no longer want to see his daughter. I don't have to beg for his love (for her)!!!!! Gah this is where it ties into my father. Dammit. And also where I say she doesn't need him. I still feel like I needed a dad & that projects onto her. The desire to "save her" from what I experienced. This part is MY work.....I believe these words in my head but my heart is afraid to release the perceived need. Hmmmm....I am sure I wrote about this somewhere before about my own father......I need to hunt that down.

Ok.....I reclaim my power. I claim my Sign of Saturn. Excellent. Now what does this mean as far as how I deal with him?? (I'm still thinking about that part & working on a list of guidelines for myself.) I feel more powerful today.....more centered. I cannot give him the power to get me so off-balance. I may wobble.....but I will NOT fall down.

Update to my previous post about how Acupuncture is helping with my addiction. I mentioned that, by two days later, my cravings and urges to binge returned. I've still been wrestling with it since then however, I've come to notice something. I am able to tap into a level of consciousness that was not previously there. For instance, one of the aspects of a binge is that I dissociate from my actions during. Now, I'm noticing that I'm not entirely dissociated. I'm actually now questioning myself before or during a binge..."What am I doing?", "What am I feeling?", "Why do I want to do this right now?". The other night, it was around 11pm and I was about to heat something up to eat. I paused, I took a deep breath. I said to myself "I don't need this. There is NO physical hunger in my body right now." I put the food away and I was fine with that. That, in itself, is significant in my world. I go back tonight for another treatment. I'm going to talk to my Acu Doc about upping my treatments to twice a week for now. Acupuncture builds on itself in terms of healing so if I wait too long between treatments at this stage, it's like starting from square one each visit. I'm afraid that last weeks result set the bar SO high that I'll be disappointed with anything less so I'm just trying to stay grounded and remember slow, gradual progress is okay, too.
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Update #2. On Bosses and Fathers. Background post here. I saw my T on Saturday. A lot has gone on for me at work in the past couple months between admitting how much I'd been slacking, resolving to focus more on my job then getting sick and being out for 3 weeks during which time the poop hit the fan with the mistake I'd made. Then a new woman started working here who seriously has/had it in for me and I was forced to really evaluate what I want to do and letting go of some of my control issues as well as my desire to do it ALL. So going back to what happened when I screwed up at work (totally my own fault and totally preventable) and how upset I was over losing my bosses approval....I said to Susan (my T) how odd it was that I was not approving of my own behavior and performance in the office. So even though I was disappointed in myself, somehow I was still desperately seeking and expecting HIS approval. I thought maybe I was setting up some negative attention getting? Then Susan said "you were looking for him to rescue you....no, you were seeking his *unconditional* love." So somehow I was wanting him to love and approve of me even though I was failing him miserably. Oh how that struck a chord. I feel like I've hit a really good place and I'm making a break from the fatherly feelings around him. I've also realized that when I'm proud of the job I'm doing, all of a sudden the bosses approval isn't so important to me. Because I know when I'm doing a good job, he has no reason to be unhappy with me.
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Finally, an update on the child support issue, background post here. I called the state agency for an update last week and learned that I've been getting less child support because there is another support order against Bianca's bio-father. So this means one of two things. Either #1 he's gotten yet another woman pregnant and has another new baby or #2 his wife finally divorced him and filed for support of their daughter. I hope, for his sake, it's #2 because frankly if it IS #1...then #2 should be shortly forthcoming!! Either way, I'm giving myself more kudos for managing to stay grounded and take this information as nothing more than....well, information. It's not tied to anything, it's not triggering any of my father issues or bringing up feelings of failure, wishes for a different situation. It simply is what it is. As I said to Susan, I'm not going to give it any more energy than it deserves (which is essentially none!) but oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall of his life for a minute!! Way to really, really screw things up for yourself and a handful of kids, too!

This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, panic attack would shortly ensue followed by rapid consumption of Effexor, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, other assorted medical sundries and large quantities of ice cream.
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All kidding aside....I feel like this IS a test of some of my new skills of staying grounded, staying present and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
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The last time I had to deal with a Child Support issue was in August of 2008. It's been well over a year. I like it that way. I like not having to think about it too much. I do check Bianca's bank account regularly to be sure payments are coming in. For the past 2+ months, payments coming in from her biological father have been less than the ordered amount.
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While I detest the thought of resurrecting the case, I have little faith in the system after my experiences with it. I've fought tooth and nail for every small victory. So, while the underpayment isn't huge and even though I don't need that money for day to day living, I can't let it go unchecked for long. Today I called Dept of Child Support Enforcement. I spoke to a representative who saw no reason for the underpayments...no obvious change in employment status or anything. He said 99% of the time when this happens, it's a change in salary which prompts a reduction in child support payments because, by law, the non-custodial parent must be allowed to take home a certain percentage of thier pay. I am familiar with this law and I also assume it's the reason for the reduction but instead of "Oh, I see", or "Okay, thanks", I say "Uh huh...?" as in "I'm now waiting for you to tell me what you're going to do about it.....??" Brief silence as the man waits for me to give any indication that I'm going to accept that answer and go away. Shhyeah....right. He's obviously not dealt with me before. Finally he speaks "So, I'll send a letter to his state in order to prompt an inquiry and find out what's up." Great, thanks.
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In the course of conversation, he asks the obvious question...."Are you in contact with the father at all?" I wish. I wish it were that simple. Don't I wish I could just pick up the phone or jot off an email and say "Hey, what's the story?" This brings up all the feelings I have about how I backed into motherhood. It evokes shame in having to admit that I created a life with a man I essentially did not know. It raises the needle on my "Rejection Meter". I must be unlovable for my daughter's father to have nothing to do with us. In times past, I'd probably cave and write him an email, pointlessly hoping that this time would be different. This time, he'd come clean and tell me the truth. This time, he'd ask about his daughter and how she's doing, maybe want to see a picture. Somehow, magically, the email from me would draw out his paternal feelings and he would turn into a standup guy who wanted to do right by his child.
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Right now, I'm fighting my anxiety. I do not like to wait. I'm the person who, when the computer is "thinking" with the hourglass, I'm clicking *Enter*Enter*Enter* Click*Click*Click Esc*Esc*Esc* Click*Click*Click....Alt-Ctrl-Delete!!!!! AAAaaagggghhhhh!!!! Waiting is painful for me. So to put this latest inquiry into the hands of overworked strangers who don't give a crap about why he pays me less since he is, after all, still paying me and to know that I will probably wait 6 weeks to even hear that maybe they actually did send a letter to his state after all is tough. To give up my attempts to control, drive or rush resolution gives me angst. The angst is what would generally push me to act hastily and email him. Inevitably, I'd get some BS subpar reply from him which would piss me off even more, send me on some ginormic father tangent and land me on my therapist's couch for an emergency session.
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Today, I'm grappling with the discomfort of knowing it's out of my hands. I am living with the unease of knowing I cannot control it. I accept, with difficulty, that he's nothing more than a DNA donor and I cannot ever expect anything different. I am not contacting him. I am not taking responsibility for the lying bastard he turned out to be. I'm not calling myself names because I chose to believe his well-rehearsed lines. I will focus on the utter joy that is my dimpled, smiley little girl.
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This is not about me, or anything I did wrong. It's not about my father and how he abused me. It's simply a question about a court ordered financial arrangement. And despite my propensity to snowball one tiny idea into reliving a lifetime of pain and failures, I'll leave it at that one small question. I'll stay grounded. I'll live in the present. And I'll take one giant step forward into my progress.

I am going to be 40 this week.
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That may not seem like a huge deal to others. But I have never been a fan of birthdays. Particularly milestones. Once I hit 21, I was legally able to do everything I wanted to and I would have stopped aging right there if given the choice.
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Any attempts at birthday celebrations generally went heinously awry. There was always some sort of disaster, drama or similar misfortune. It got to the point where I did not even want to have my birthday acknowledged.
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I kept this preconceived checklist of where I should be at that age and, when I never found myself where I wanted to be, I allowed it to drown me. 25 was very tough for me. 30 was difficult but not as bad as 25 because I was getting married when I was 30. I was divorced and five months pregnant when I turned 35. Excited but unsure and alone...not a good one. Each year since then has just felt like a death march towards "The Big 4-0" I just knew that 40 would be utterly devastating.
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And then.....a funny thing happened on the way to my birthday..... :o)
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I think it's called acceptance. Acceptance of self, acceptance of my journey, acceptance that I can't control everything in my world. And the realization that hating my birthday wastes an awful lot of energy. It says alot about how far I've come in the past year and in the past 39! I am fully embracing 40 with both arms. I feel good. I'm telling everyone. I'm enjoying celebrations and parties. If you had told me 15, 10 or even 2 years ago that I'd be pumped up about my 40's, I may have punched you in the head. I have such good feelings about where my life has led me and there is something inside me that knows I'm about to embark on some pivotal things. It's exciting to see where I've come to and exciting to think about what lies ahead.
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I would have stayed at 21 if I could have; would have made a deal with the devil himself to retain my youth. What an immature fool! Bring on my 40's! Older and wiser, indeed.

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As I mentioned in my earlier post, today is my DD's 4th birthday. We've been making a VERY big deal of her special day!!! I'm so excited to celebrate her and make her feel cherished. I'm leaving work shortly to bring an ice cream party to her school. From there, we're going to get our nails done, the park and then out to dinner. Maybe ice cream. And some serious snuggle time at home.

After I got to work, a familiar thought popped into my head. "I wonder if Donor realizes it's her Birthday." But here is the progress.....the "new & improved" thought that followed "Eh, who the hell cares?!?"

Last year, that thought nearly ruined my day. Wondering if he remembered and then wondering if my other XBF remembered (for clarification, I began dating XBF when DD was 2 mo's old and he took on the role of "Daddy" for a couple years) And then my father issues surfaced and I had all this old emotional garbage to deal with.

Today....the thought showed up again without the emotional power it has held in the past. And THAT, friends,is a reason to party!!!

It's been an interesting week for me. I've made a vow to be online less, much less, at work. I have alot going on in my professional life and I need to stay focused on that. At the same time, I've made a few small, yet huge, strides in my personal life. I inquired with the local Parents Without Partners (PWP) group about joining. They have several social events every week, some for the parents only and some for the parents and kids together. I'm planning to attend an upcoming open house to see what it's all about. It's a step out of the isolation I feel so comfortable with.

Another thing I did was to call a Chinese medicine center to set up an evaluation with a highly recommended acupuncturist. We've played phone tag and I haven't been able to actually set up an appt yet but I will. I want to see what it can do for me, for my stress level and for all the physical issues that my anxiety causes.

This morning I had a dream. It was almost as if I was in a virtual video game or something. Like I was fighting creatures yet I wasn't afraid. I knew I would not be hurt no matter what. I was going through a maze of corridors and all kinds of animals and creatures were jumping out at me. Things like bears, snakes, apes. But I'd just shove them to the side because I knew my task was to get to the Dragon. When I found the Dragon, he jumped out at me and I put my hands on his snout, in between these big spikes and I shoved him away. Dragons, or dinosaurs, can often represent old issues in dreams. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this dream. On the one hand, I thought it could be good because I was facing the Dragon without fear. On the other hand, when I got to the Dragon, I shoved him aside. So did this mean that I wasn't afraid to face my issues or that all I do is push past them?

I posed this question to T this morning when we met and she smiled. She got up and walked to the corner of her office and pulled a small framed picture off her bookshelf. She handed it to me and said "It's funny that your dream was about a dragon since this has been sitting there for as long as you've been coming here." It was a drawing of a dragon, similar to the one in this post and the words "Sometimes the Dragon Wins". Which doesn't mean that I "lose", so to speak, but rather that I recognize it's okay to stop fighting. Stop wrestling with the dragon (the past) and just let it be. It is what it is and slaying the "dragon" doesn't mean it never existed. There comes a time when you have to weigh the energy and resources used in fighting the fight against the process of just making peace with it.

I find this a very timely dream after my last post about loving myself and no longer questioning why my abusers did what they did. I've changed my focus. I'm not fighting the dragon anymore. I'm learning to let it be and to love myself enough to give up a futile fight. My energy is better spent focusing inward on myself than outward on that which is already done.