Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Friday, November 15, 2013
She closed the door
I wrote about a particularly bad panic attack I had while at the acupuncture doctors office 4 weeks ago. Post is here. I went back last night for the first time and had a fair amount of anxiety going into the office. I was also openly hostile. This was not a conscious choice but rather something beyond my control. I was closed off and simply full of rage.
There is a substance called Moxa that they have started using in the office and it really affects me for some reason. There is the smell of it which I find offensive. That is one thing. But it was building into something more as every time I complained about the smell, I was greeted with kindof vacant "smile and nod" and dismissive statements about how it's so beneficial. In other words "quit your bitching and accept it." Talk about your triggering feelings for a survivor!! It all came to a head when the doctor offered to put the Moxa oil on me during treatment and I flipped out and said no, how I find so offense. To quote my prior post "The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then. We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit." From there, I spiraled downward into the worst panic attack I've had in years, unable to breathe, paralyzed to communicate other than hysterical, hyperventilating sobbing.
I didn't put that significance together until last night. I was thinking through the incident and my reaction and then it hit me. He closed the door and walked out while dismissing my statements.
On more than one occasion, my mother walked in while my brother was sexually abusing me. Unable/unwilling to deal with it.....she turned around, walked out and closed the door behind her. Dismissing the whole thing.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut while I was sitting there and made that connection.
Last night the Dr. used a fantastic treatment called NAET on me. He treated me for my sensitivity to the Moxa and also treated me for anger, rage and cellular memories. I felt so much more calm and open by the time we left. It's really an amazing, miraculous tool that I HIGHLY recommend if you can find a practioner who is licensed in it.
I recognize that I have so many mother issues left over. I have been very angry with her lately. I notice when we talk, I can barely look her in the eyes. I place a room's distance between us and stand with my arms & feet crossed. I wrote the following a couple weeks ago and have had it saved in draft because it didn't seem like a complete idea but it's relevant here.
I was thinking more about B's focus issues. I made some calls yesterday and have a lot of work to do, a lot of avenues to explore. I go back to that feeling that I don't want to just cave to what is "easy".....I want to do right by her. And I realize the reason I feel SO incredibly strong about that statement is because, when my mother had to deal with my abuse and my cutting and all the problems that resulted from the abuse, she shoved me off to a psychiatrist who I never spoke to, swept it under the rug and that was pretty much it. Oh except for the part where she fed me.....and taught me to eat my feelings. That's helpful....your brother raped you? Here, have some cookies. She did the easy. Not what was right. I will not do the same to my daughter.
I simply do not know how to work with these feelings going forward. And it's the holidays no less...... good times.
There is a substance called Moxa that they have started using in the office and it really affects me for some reason. There is the smell of it which I find offensive. That is one thing. But it was building into something more as every time I complained about the smell, I was greeted with kindof vacant "smile and nod" and dismissive statements about how it's so beneficial. In other words "quit your bitching and accept it." Talk about your triggering feelings for a survivor!! It all came to a head when the doctor offered to put the Moxa oil on me during treatment and I flipped out and said no, how I find so offense. To quote my prior post "The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then. We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit." From there, I spiraled downward into the worst panic attack I've had in years, unable to breathe, paralyzed to communicate other than hysterical, hyperventilating sobbing.
I didn't put that significance together until last night. I was thinking through the incident and my reaction and then it hit me. He closed the door and walked out while dismissing my statements.
On more than one occasion, my mother walked in while my brother was sexually abusing me. Unable/unwilling to deal with it.....she turned around, walked out and closed the door behind her. Dismissing the whole thing.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut while I was sitting there and made that connection.
Last night the Dr. used a fantastic treatment called NAET on me. He treated me for my sensitivity to the Moxa and also treated me for anger, rage and cellular memories. I felt so much more calm and open by the time we left. It's really an amazing, miraculous tool that I HIGHLY recommend if you can find a practioner who is licensed in it.
I recognize that I have so many mother issues left over. I have been very angry with her lately. I notice when we talk, I can barely look her in the eyes. I place a room's distance between us and stand with my arms & feet crossed. I wrote the following a couple weeks ago and have had it saved in draft because it didn't seem like a complete idea but it's relevant here.
I was thinking more about B's focus issues. I made some calls yesterday and have a lot of work to do, a lot of avenues to explore. I go back to that feeling that I don't want to just cave to what is "easy".....I want to do right by her. And I realize the reason I feel SO incredibly strong about that statement is because, when my mother had to deal with my abuse and my cutting and all the problems that resulted from the abuse, she shoved me off to a psychiatrist who I never spoke to, swept it under the rug and that was pretty much it. Oh except for the part where she fed me.....and taught me to eat my feelings. That's helpful....your brother raped you? Here, have some cookies. She did the easy. Not what was right. I will not do the same to my daughter.
I simply do not know how to work with these feelings going forward. And it's the holidays no less...... good times.
Labels:
abuse,
anger,
anxiety,
connection,
mother,
panic attack,
Trigger
Monday, November 4, 2013
Six years
Six years. That is how long one prescription of Xanax has lasted me. I still have a few rolling around in the bottle. Good to know they still work. But sad to report I had to test their effectiveness this weekend. Was this an ironic lesson?
My last post about my feelings on how to deal with B's focus issues mentioned how I am so steadfastly opposed to medication. I am a naturopathic girl, all the way. Yet the panic and anxiety attacks I suffered this weekend were some of the worst I have ever had. After two nights of living hell, I caved to a Xanax last night and enjoyed a peaceful nights sleep. Even though I had to live with the Xanax "hangover" this morning.....eh, it was a good excuse to stop at Starbucks.
So, maybe sometimes, despite my beliefs and good intentions.....drugs can be a solution.
.................................Nah, I still hate myself for even thinking about it.
I still feel I am suffering from depression but I just refuse to go the anti-depressant route again. I did not like how they made me feel. I felt so numb. And coming off them was a stone cold nightmare. Unless I am in danger of throwing myself off a cliff, I will get through this without. I'd like to return to acupuncture but I'm still waiting to hear back from the Dr after my freak-out a couple weeks ago. I asked them to remove the offending substance from their office on the days I am there. They were not sure how to answer me on that. I have to think about how I will handle this if they come back unwilling to do so. Spiteful me wants to say that I'm done going there and ask for a refund of all the treatment plan money I have pre-paid. But I really have to think about what is best. B has benefitted greatly from her treatments there and so have I. There are not really many other options for me to change practices. I dunno. I got nothin.
My last post about my feelings on how to deal with B's focus issues mentioned how I am so steadfastly opposed to medication. I am a naturopathic girl, all the way. Yet the panic and anxiety attacks I suffered this weekend were some of the worst I have ever had. After two nights of living hell, I caved to a Xanax last night and enjoyed a peaceful nights sleep. Even though I had to live with the Xanax "hangover" this morning.....eh, it was a good excuse to stop at Starbucks.
So, maybe sometimes, despite my beliefs and good intentions.....drugs can be a solution.
.................................Nah, I still hate myself for even thinking about it.
I still feel I am suffering from depression but I just refuse to go the anti-depressant route again. I did not like how they made me feel. I felt so numb. And coming off them was a stone cold nightmare. Unless I am in danger of throwing myself off a cliff, I will get through this without. I'd like to return to acupuncture but I'm still waiting to hear back from the Dr after my freak-out a couple weeks ago. I asked them to remove the offending substance from their office on the days I am there. They were not sure how to answer me on that. I have to think about how I will handle this if they come back unwilling to do so. Spiteful me wants to say that I'm done going there and ask for a refund of all the treatment plan money I have pre-paid. But I really have to think about what is best. B has benefitted greatly from her treatments there and so have I. There are not really many other options for me to change practices. I dunno. I got nothin.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Bad Day
Yesterday was a rough day. Started off alright but the afternoon brought a work crisis of moderate proportion. You know how sometimes, someone asks you to do something then they continue to check on your progress every few minutes thus impeding you from actually completing the task? It was like that. An IT issue caused the back wing of the office to lose connectivity to phones, internet & server. I had no idea the cause. I ran through my normal gamut of fixes and none worked. I called in the big guns of my consultants. I was talking to 4 different people on 2 phones, flipping back & forth. And meanwhile, all of the employees from the affected wing kept interrupting me.
"What's the word?"
"Any progress?"
"I need to make a conference call at 3, will it be fixed by then?"
"I have a client waiting for a proposal, is this almost fixed?"
"How's it going?"
"What's the problem?"
"Why is it taking so long?"
Etc Etc Etc
It took about 90 minutes and I finally got it fixed. I am super thankful I wore pants yesterday because the process of finding the problem involved a great deal of crawling under desks, standing on chairs and following wiring splits through the ceiling tiles. On top of that issue, it's been really crazy at work. For the past two days, I've had a single task as my goal. That task has five components and should take about two hours to complete. After two solid days, I've yet to complete the first of the five components. On top of that, I am staring down the face of an IT audit and the project of completely revamping my entire server setup by end of year. To say that I am overwhelmed is a vast understatement.
I left here feeling very drained. Happy to be headed to acupuncture which is generally extremely relaxing for me. Except my phone started ringing on the drive home and I answered to find one of my co-workers in a panic about a serious issue. It WAS serious and so I had to do some hustling and finagling to be able to assist her from the road.
I got Bianca and we headed over to the acupuncture center. We took a break from acu last spring and are just recently back to treatments. Since we left they made a complete overhaul of staff and also they have taken to burning some sort of substance, similar to incense, that is supposed to have beneficial properties. I greatly dislike this smell. It's herbal and, to me, reminiscent of marajuana. I have disliked it with a growing intensity since day one. I complain about it regularly. Yesterday, it was making me downright angry. I was already in a stressed out state. I've had a rough week with B's father drama, my confusing feelings for J and a demanding afternoon at work. By the time I was laying on the table, I was flat out hostile. Why should I be subjected to a smell I find so offensive?? Why am I paying all this money to be in an environment where I can't relax because I am assaulted by this horrid smell?
I am extremely sensitive and receptive to acupuncture. I can tell when my body energy is out of balance once he places the needles and, although I am laying perfectly straight and still, I feel like more like this:
And also like I am spinning at the same time. It's unnerving. So the room was spinning, I felt disjointed and contorted. The Dr said he was going to apply an oil of something....I wish I could remember what this stuff is called but I recognized the name of the oil as the same stuff they were burning. I said "NO! Absolutely not!" The Dr asked why and I said "That smell is so ungodly offensive!" The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then. We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit. I started crying immediately, there was a huge rush of emotions. This has happened to me before in acupuncture. It forces a relaxation on me and all the emotions I've been holding back come flooding out. That smell.....it was really bothering me, burning my throat, making me feel like I could not breathe and I started having a panic attack. I calmed down once, then it resurfaced. I calmed down again and it came back once more. I got up and flipped out, I opened the door and was hyperventilating loudly. Staff came running. I was crying, pulling my needles out. Couldn't answer their questions, couldn't breathe, couldn't say what I needed, couldn't move. Paralyzed in every way. Complete panic.
Something was triggered here and I can't figure out exactly what. It originated with that smell but I don't know....is it evoking a memory?? Was it the feeling that I could not breathe? Was it the rush of emotions that I wasn't prepared for or was it the simple fact that I feel discounted and not heard when I complain about somethig I find interolerable? His attitude, and the staff attitude, about my objection is pacifying and dismissive. It's insulting and I think I am being triggered in post-abuse feelings.....we know you are experiencing something you don't want but we're going to ignore your objection and expect you to just accept it. Yes, we hear your concerns. Smile & nod. It's good for you, there are health benefits to the burning. You will accept it, you have no choice. We know better what you need. When you tell us you can't tolerate it we will promptly dismiss and ignore you.
I imagine it was a combination of all the factors and I simply do not know how I'm going to handle it come my next appointment. I managed to squeak out that something about the smell was triggering an emotional reaction. We'll see if they do anything about that. I don't know what to expect....I'm not sure I feel worthy enough to think they should change their practice for my comfort.
Adding to the fun of my night, like insult to injury....as soon as I left the office, there was a gigantic green bug on my car door. I tried to swish it away and it flew into my face. And then when we got home I discovered that Bianca had done something that she and I have discussed in the past and I warned her about severe consequences should she do it again. I decided to table the consequences since I was so angry that I was afraid I would take it out on her in the process. So I put her to bed and got drunk. It seemed like a reasonable solution at the time.
"What's the word?"
"Any progress?"
"I need to make a conference call at 3, will it be fixed by then?"
"I have a client waiting for a proposal, is this almost fixed?"
"How's it going?"
"What's the problem?"
"Why is it taking so long?"
Etc Etc Etc
It took about 90 minutes and I finally got it fixed. I am super thankful I wore pants yesterday because the process of finding the problem involved a great deal of crawling under desks, standing on chairs and following wiring splits through the ceiling tiles. On top of that issue, it's been really crazy at work. For the past two days, I've had a single task as my goal. That task has five components and should take about two hours to complete. After two solid days, I've yet to complete the first of the five components. On top of that, I am staring down the face of an IT audit and the project of completely revamping my entire server setup by end of year. To say that I am overwhelmed is a vast understatement.
I left here feeling very drained. Happy to be headed to acupuncture which is generally extremely relaxing for me. Except my phone started ringing on the drive home and I answered to find one of my co-workers in a panic about a serious issue. It WAS serious and so I had to do some hustling and finagling to be able to assist her from the road.
I got Bianca and we headed over to the acupuncture center. We took a break from acu last spring and are just recently back to treatments. Since we left they made a complete overhaul of staff and also they have taken to burning some sort of substance, similar to incense, that is supposed to have beneficial properties. I greatly dislike this smell. It's herbal and, to me, reminiscent of marajuana. I have disliked it with a growing intensity since day one. I complain about it regularly. Yesterday, it was making me downright angry. I was already in a stressed out state. I've had a rough week with B's father drama, my confusing feelings for J and a demanding afternoon at work. By the time I was laying on the table, I was flat out hostile. Why should I be subjected to a smell I find so offensive?? Why am I paying all this money to be in an environment where I can't relax because I am assaulted by this horrid smell?
I am extremely sensitive and receptive to acupuncture. I can tell when my body energy is out of balance once he places the needles and, although I am laying perfectly straight and still, I feel like more like this:
And also like I am spinning at the same time. It's unnerving. So the room was spinning, I felt disjointed and contorted. The Dr said he was going to apply an oil of something....I wish I could remember what this stuff is called but I recognized the name of the oil as the same stuff they were burning. I said "NO! Absolutely not!" The Dr asked why and I said "That smell is so ungodly offensive!" The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then. We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit. I started crying immediately, there was a huge rush of emotions. This has happened to me before in acupuncture. It forces a relaxation on me and all the emotions I've been holding back come flooding out. That smell.....it was really bothering me, burning my throat, making me feel like I could not breathe and I started having a panic attack. I calmed down once, then it resurfaced. I calmed down again and it came back once more. I got up and flipped out, I opened the door and was hyperventilating loudly. Staff came running. I was crying, pulling my needles out. Couldn't answer their questions, couldn't breathe, couldn't say what I needed, couldn't move. Paralyzed in every way. Complete panic.
Something was triggered here and I can't figure out exactly what. It originated with that smell but I don't know....is it evoking a memory?? Was it the feeling that I could not breathe? Was it the rush of emotions that I wasn't prepared for or was it the simple fact that I feel discounted and not heard when I complain about somethig I find interolerable? His attitude, and the staff attitude, about my objection is pacifying and dismissive. It's insulting and I think I am being triggered in post-abuse feelings.....we know you are experiencing something you don't want but we're going to ignore your objection and expect you to just accept it. Yes, we hear your concerns. Smile & nod. It's good for you, there are health benefits to the burning. You will accept it, you have no choice. We know better what you need. When you tell us you can't tolerate it we will promptly dismiss and ignore you.
I imagine it was a combination of all the factors and I simply do not know how I'm going to handle it come my next appointment. I managed to squeak out that something about the smell was triggering an emotional reaction. We'll see if they do anything about that. I don't know what to expect....I'm not sure I feel worthy enough to think they should change their practice for my comfort.
Adding to the fun of my night, like insult to injury....as soon as I left the office, there was a gigantic green bug on my car door. I tried to swish it away and it flew into my face. And then when we got home I discovered that Bianca had done something that she and I have discussed in the past and I warned her about severe consequences should she do it again. I decided to table the consequences since I was so angry that I was afraid I would take it out on her in the process. So I put her to bed and got drunk. It seemed like a reasonable solution at the time.
Labels:
abuse,
anger,
anxiety,
mind/body connection,
panic attack,
Trigger
Monday, August 31, 2009
Not Hungry
Things have been crazy around here. I've not blogged but it's certainly not due to lack of material!
~
Starting back last weekend, Friday Aug 21st. I'd planned Bianca's birthday party for Sat the 22nd. Now, every single year it has rained on the day of Bianca's party. I went out on a limb this year and planned an outdoor beach party but I put a backup party plan in place in case the weather phenomenon continued this year. Naturally, we seemed to be in the path of the hurricane this year and bad weather was looking imminent. No worries, I thought....I have my backup plan in place!
~
The weather was bad Friday night and I ended up losing power at about 9pm. Right as I was getting all the food ready for the morning. *sigh* Afraid to open the fridge and let any cold air out, I decided to go to bed early so I could get up early since certainly the power would be back on by then. Oh what a night. Bianca was scared because it was so dark. I put candles in my bedroom and she slept in my bed. It was so dead quiet that I could hear the neighbors and every little creak & groan. It was about 90 degrees with no air or fans and Bianca kept snuggling closer and closer to me. Then the power company showed up around 2am and started digging right outside my unit. I did not sleep at all. Come 5am, I got up. Still no power. Weather questionable. Hot as blazes. I have a migraine. I'm worried about the food in my fridge and if it's gone bad. I get us both ready and as I'm about to start packing the car, the power comes back on. I'm frantically trying to put food on serving platters and I'm calling my contacts for the beach party to see if the weather dictates cancellation. I'm sick to my stomach. They are on the fence, tell me it's up to me. I'm carrying, packing, driving, calling, checking weather on radio & blackberry. If you live in this area, you will know a common local saying which is "If you don't like the weather in New England....wait a minute." Things change so quickly. I was so stressed out trying to figure out what to do and I finally made the executive decision to have the party at the backup location. Now, I'm driving, trying to listen to my GPS, passing bagels & milk to Bianca in the back seat, checking my party list and emailing or calling all the parents to tell them of change in plans while also trying to drink coffee and drive with my elbows. Fun. I will *NEVER* again book an outdoor party!!
~
Party itself turned out to be a blast and the kids all had a great time at a small, family owned arcade. I worked hard during the party and was happy for some downtime afterwards where Bianca and I hung out and played games by ourselves. It absolutely torrentially downpoured on our way home and we had to make a mad dash for the door in the rain. I wanted to wait it out in the car but it was "too loud" for Bianca. She wanted to go inside. I was exhausted. I had not eaten anything all day. I'd had coffee & diet coke. And I'd forgotten my Effexor the night before. I was a mess.
~
So here I have ALL this food in my house.....sanwiches, salads, cake, cookies, chips, etc....and the last thing I want to do is eat. Except I have ALL this food in my house and I begin to panic that I don't feel like eating. This is a completely foreign feeling to me. I know I've not eaten and I should have some protein. I feel mildly nauseous which is likely attributable to exhaustion and the migraine "hangover". I am literally trying to convince myself to go binge. Why? I was in a panic about all the food and if I don't start eating it in my usual methodical way it might go bad. Which in my mind, equals my "rejecting" food. And I may not have this opportunity again with this volume of food available to me at once so I need to take advantage! Except I really did not want to eat. Yet I was in a total nonsensical panic about that feeling.
~
It was utterly bizarre, a definite first time feeling for me. But it reaffirms some of my past statements about the fact that Food is my relationship. I felt an obligation to "take care" of the food and be sure it's existence served purpose. To not reject it. To give equal attention to all the different foods. And in my feeling like I was not up to the task, I began to panic and try to convince myself this is what I needed to do instead of just respecting how I was feeling at the moment. Further, I think the panic was likely fueled because if I did respect my wish to not eat, what if I had to start feeling something or dealing with feelings?? Oh, the horror!
~
Unfortunately I've not had any trouble eating since then......but it was an interesting bump in my path that deserves some more thought and understanding.
Friday, January 16, 2009
HUNGER
1 a: a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient b: an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food c: a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food2: a strong desire : craving : an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing
~
I don't like hunger very much. I mean, I'm sure not many people LIKE it. But it really unsettles me. It makes me panic. Why? As I sit here pondering that question, all I can think is that maybe it's because I am afraid to find out what it is I'm hungry for. Since I know that so much of my eating is not about physical hunger. Maybe my fear is that if I don't immediately satiate the physical hunger, I will start to look deeper into the emotional hunger and I'm afraid what I will find. Afraid it will shatter my little world. So why is it that I sit here trying to be open to what the emotional hunger is about and I'm coming up empty?
~
On the flip side, when I have periods of starving myself, I LOVE hunger. I love it because I think of it as a punishment and I think "Good, good...be hungry, feel uncomfortable. You deserve to feel that longing and that pain and not have it met. You deserve this." So if I feel hunger is some sort of punishment, what does that say about the fact that I can't stand it when I'm in overeating mode?
~
Is the perceived punishment simply having to suffer being alone with myself and not having my coping mechanism to stuff feelings down with? I don't know. I'm actually closing my eyes and typing this as it comes to mind. Trying to bypass the usual censors. I just want to feel it. Dear lord, all I feel is the need for a nap......!!
~
When I'm actively bingeing, I tend to feel hungry even when I know I can't possibly be. I actually believe I feel my stomach growling. What is that about? My mind is trying to make me believe that I'm physically hungry? I don't get it. What is my body trying to accomplish? What does it have to gain (no pun intended) by keeping up the eating? I wish I could understand. I guess all I can do it keep trying to think and......no, NOT think. Feel. I need to keep trying to FEEL what else is going on when I think I'm hungry or just when I want to eat. I guess the body just wants to hold the status quo.
~
While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.
While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Trying Something Different
My Mom is here right now and she's playing with Bianca. We've finished dinner. I had enough yet ever since we finished I've been mentally scanning the fridge and the pantry thinking about what is in there and planning my nighttime binge, after Mom leaves and Bianca goes to bed.
~
I mentioned in my last post that I reached out to a woman who is a dietitian. She's the Mom of one of the kids in Bianca's daycare. I'm not going to use her real name here since I've not asked her permission. I am going to call her "JS". We've been corresponding through email and she's been a help, for sure. Though she's not MY nutritionist, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about the topic. And also nice to be able to mix in a little spattering of social & Mom-talk. It takes away some of the intensity. I emailed her last night and confessed it was my "bad" time of day. I told her that I actually feel panic at the thought of choosing NOT to binge. It's something I've just recently realized as I've been getting more serious about dealing with my addiction. And even though I know the guilt, remorse and disgust that follow, I still choose the binge.
~
JS responded with this: Do you ever journal? I know this has helped a lot of people - mainly focusing on why the binge would occur and how you will feel afterwards. Really allow yourself to feel the guilt beforehand and writing it down sometimes makes it more of a reality. I have had patients in the past that were actually seeking out the guilt the next day, even though they didn't realize that was what they were doing and really staring it in the face helped. Trying to just ignore the nature of the beast makes it difficult. Confront your feelings and see where that takes you.
~
The part I italicized struck me in particular. It made me think about Eckart Tolle and his theory that I keep coming back to. Keeping the pain body alive. Continuing to sabotage myself. I've recognized that I do that to myself in matters of abuse.....beating myself up, choosing bad relationships, holding on to bad memories, negative feelings and anger. Punishing myself when there is no one else to do it. Could this be why my eating has been getting worse as I've felt like I'm making more progress in other areas of counseling? Am I just transferring it from one medium to another?
~
Tonight, no matter how scary, I'm making the decision not to binge. I feel dread, fear and panic as I write that knowing that putting it down makes it more real and makes me accountable for my decision. I'm going to brush my teeth when I bring Bianca up to bed and I will blog or knit when I return downstairs. It it's too intense, I will have to go upstairs to bed.
~
It's now 2 1/2 hours later and I'm getting ready to go to bed. Before I brushed my teeth along with Bianca, I definitely felt a rush of "No-no-no-no!!!!!! I need to eat!!!" Normally, I would give in to that and allow myself to be talked out of brushing so I could continue my binge. But tonight I went ahead and brushed. And I came downstairs and I haven't had anything to eat. I watched American Idol. I knitted. I did some things on the computer. There have been a few moments of struggle. I definitely want to eat right now. In fact, I'm feeling "hungry". I mean, it actually feels like my stomach is growling even though it's not. It's making me crazy hence the reason I need to go to bed soon. But I did it. I made it through a night without bingeing. And while it's only one tiny blip in the big picture of my addiction, it's a reminder that I can do this. I can make a good choice. I can survive.
~
I mentioned in my last post that I reached out to a woman who is a dietitian. She's the Mom of one of the kids in Bianca's daycare. I'm not going to use her real name here since I've not asked her permission. I am going to call her "JS". We've been corresponding through email and she's been a help, for sure. Though she's not MY nutritionist, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about the topic. And also nice to be able to mix in a little spattering of social & Mom-talk. It takes away some of the intensity. I emailed her last night and confessed it was my "bad" time of day. I told her that I actually feel panic at the thought of choosing NOT to binge. It's something I've just recently realized as I've been getting more serious about dealing with my addiction. And even though I know the guilt, remorse and disgust that follow, I still choose the binge.
~
JS responded with this: Do you ever journal? I know this has helped a lot of people - mainly focusing on why the binge would occur and how you will feel afterwards. Really allow yourself to feel the guilt beforehand and writing it down sometimes makes it more of a reality. I have had patients in the past that were actually seeking out the guilt the next day, even though they didn't realize that was what they were doing and really staring it in the face helped. Trying to just ignore the nature of the beast makes it difficult. Confront your feelings and see where that takes you.
~
The part I italicized struck me in particular. It made me think about Eckart Tolle and his theory that I keep coming back to. Keeping the pain body alive. Continuing to sabotage myself. I've recognized that I do that to myself in matters of abuse.....beating myself up, choosing bad relationships, holding on to bad memories, negative feelings and anger. Punishing myself when there is no one else to do it. Could this be why my eating has been getting worse as I've felt like I'm making more progress in other areas of counseling? Am I just transferring it from one medium to another?
~
Tonight, no matter how scary, I'm making the decision not to binge. I feel dread, fear and panic as I write that knowing that putting it down makes it more real and makes me accountable for my decision. I'm going to brush my teeth when I bring Bianca up to bed and I will blog or knit when I return downstairs. It it's too intense, I will have to go upstairs to bed.
~
It's now 2 1/2 hours later and I'm getting ready to go to bed. Before I brushed my teeth along with Bianca, I definitely felt a rush of "No-no-no-no!!!!!! I need to eat!!!" Normally, I would give in to that and allow myself to be talked out of brushing so I could continue my binge. But tonight I went ahead and brushed. And I came downstairs and I haven't had anything to eat. I watched American Idol. I knitted. I did some things on the computer. There have been a few moments of struggle. I definitely want to eat right now. In fact, I'm feeling "hungry". I mean, it actually feels like my stomach is growling even though it's not. It's making me crazy hence the reason I need to go to bed soon. But I did it. I made it through a night without bingeing. And while it's only one tiny blip in the big picture of my addiction, it's a reminder that I can do this. I can make a good choice. I can survive.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I'm freakin' out a bit.....
I'm going to be leaving soon for my evaluation at the Renfrew Center (Eating Disorder Clinic) and I'm having a minor panic situation.
~
Trying hard just to breathe and stay calm.
~
I don't recall being so nervous the first time I did this. Maybe because I didn't know what to expect. Maybe because I was up in the air about treatment. Whatever the reason....send some calming vibes my way. I need them.
~
I will post about my appointment later or tomorrow. Right now, I can hardly breathe.Monday, November 10, 2008
Rough night
So I spent all of last week and the weekend being the sickie. I finally started to get some energy back yesterday and pulled myself together enough to come to work today. I decided to take care of me and get to bed very early. I got in bed at 9:15. That is insanely early for me. I figured after my first real day of any kind of exertion (cleaning, laundry, cooking) I'd be wiped out. So I got in bed, I turned on my TV which is my routine. I was watching House which was maybe a little too interesting for me to fall asleep to. I changed over to CSI because I've pretty much seen every episode 15 times and I can tune it out. No good. I switched to a VOD movie that I've seen numerous times. No good. I was feeling jumpy, antsy and anything but tired. I turned the TV off. BIG mistake. "What was that noise?" "What was that sound?" Turned the TV back on and put on the digital music channel of Soundscapes which is as relaxing as relaxing gets. I layed there and did my breathing, did my relaxation "chanting" (which I do silently in my head as I breathe). Still feeling very jumpy. Rolled this way and that way, tried to get comfortable. Even (confession time) put my hand inside my pillowcase grasping a small potential weapon I keep inside of it, because I was feeling so frightened. Sometimes having that in my hand lets me feel protected enough to calm down. It's now 11:45 and I'm climbing the walls. I'm being plagued by unpleasant thoughts and the sound of my heart beating inside my head is so loud, it's making me nauseous.
~
I've had a prescription bottle of Xanax for almost 2 years now and I still have 2/3 of it. I almost never take it. But I decided the only thing for me to do at this point is to take one. This is fast approaching critical panic attack levels and I will never sleep if I don't have some assistance. So I take one and go back to bed. They usually work in about 20 minutes or so. I lay in bed and decide I need to conjure images of safety. My safe place. What's my safe place? New Hampshire. And what pops into my head? An image of my ExBF and I laying in bed together in NH. Where I felt safe. And that safety was such an illusion. Yet I long for that feeling despite the fact that it was a fantasy. I miss the days when I felt like I could be myself and lean on someone else. What I would not have given last night to have his strong arms around me and be able to feel that sense of love and security. I feel betrayed by my own brain that it would throw this image at me. And I feel like I want to sob til the well of tears dries up but I can't let it out. I fear if I start, it will never end. So I angrily shake that image away and try to bring back something else.
I'm hearing noises and feeling some strange way I've never felt before and I start seeing images of skeletons and a devil. I can't make them stop. I'm terrified and think something is so different about how I'm feeling right now. I convince myself that something pivotal is about to happen and then, of course, I fear I'm dying because I'm seeing images reminiscent of death. I'm dying....and I'm going to hell. These figures plagued me for what seemed like hours though, in reality, it was probably only about 20-30 minutes. I was scared to allow myself to fall asleep and I let my brain run away with the storytelling it does....that I will die in bed and DD will find me and not know what to do or how to get out of the house and will forget how to call 911 and she'll be stuck there with my rotting corpe for days trying to snuggle up to it or wake it up. Oh the pleasantries I think about. It was a horrible, horrible night.
~On the bright side, I'm feeling alright. I'm back at work. My eye only has one little red dot left in it. I heard back from the eating disorder clinic. My insurance will cover 100% of the partial residential program which is 5 days a week from 9am - 2pm. That would be ideal and it's what I will push for. It gives me time to drop DD off at daycare and get to the center. And it gives me time to get to the office and work for a few hours the end of each day. I go for my assessment interview next week. I made them schedule it at the end of the day because I recall it being emotionally draining.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Last Night Sucked
Yesterday was a long and frantic day at work. I picked up DD at the end of the day and came back to the office to finish up a few things. She was not being terribly patient with me and I was aggravated. We went out to grab some dinner and the service was really slow which made me late for choir rehearsal. I was trying not to stress about it but "not stressing" is not really something I'm too accomplished at.
I left choir around 10pm and DD chit-chatted all the way home. Normally something I enjoy but I really wanted her to go to sleep. I was having a tremendous amount of pain in my left shoulder and arm. And I was feeling shaky and nauseous. By the time I got home, I just felt WAY off. I put DD to bed and I went to bed myself. I couldn't sleep...my shoulder was burning, seering pain. I was having stomach cramps, muscle spasms in my back, shortness of breath. I was worried I was going to die. (Hello, panic attack.....) This morning, I simply could not get myself out of bed. I felt so drained and out-of-sorts. The good news to all of this is that it *finally* lit a fire under my rear to get some bloodwork done. Bloodwork, mind you, that was ordered probably a year ago and I've left the order slip sitting in my car all this time. It's going to make me face some things that I know are wrong. Things I don't want to face. It's going to require some dedication to changing my habits and behaviors. And it's going to make me accountable to someone for all of the above. Aah crap, that sucks.
~I was emailing with my BFF today. She's going through alot of personal growth and I'm so very proud of her for all the work she's done. She said the most simple, yet profound, thing to me a little while ago:
~Judging myself really hurts. Weird for some reason that hurt is something I have just lived with. I have never questioned it as something I don't have to do.
~
Isn't that a fabulous statement?? Without a choice, we hurt at the hands of others for so long that we just continue to do it to ourselves never questioning if it's optional or not. If only we could learn to treat ourselves with a fraction of the care and concern we bestow on those we love.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Beyond Poop: Just Plain SHIT.
I'll spare you an image for this post. *smile*
I'm just in a really crappy (no pun intended) mood. It's been a trying time, for sure. Work has been so hectic and crazy. It seems like my In Box doubles on a daily basis and I simply can't do that much work. The 2 co-workers I depend on the most to help me just end up making more work for me. One because she is a self-centered, careless, unpleasant troll. The other because he is just an ass, really. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here every day and for every step forward, I'm being pushed 2 steps back.
Leaving here yesterday, after a normally stressful day, I picked up DD at daycare. I go to sign her out and see she's not taken a nap. DD always naps at school so this is highly abnormal. Of course it happens on a Tuesday, which is my longest day because of choir rehearsal. Under any other circumstances, I may have skipped choir or just cut it short but we're preparing for our biggest performance of the year this coming Sunday. And I still have a sinus infection. The anti-biotics are not working as quickly as everyone assured me they would. So my voice is questionable for this performance. Stresses me out. I'm the "lead lead", the "top Diva" as I jokingly call it. Meaning there are 3 other women who sing the same part that I do but I'm the strongest voice and they count on me to lead my section. No pressure, though. :o)
So after I pick DD up, she is already whining at me in the car. We have to kill some time before choir and I don't have any errands to do this particular day. I tell DD I'd like to stop at the library. Noooooooooo, she whines; she doesn't want the library. I go anyway to discover they are closing in 5 minutes. Summer hours, I guess. So I say we can't go. Wwwaaaaaahhhhhhh, she cries; she wanted to go to the library. Tune her out...tune her out. I'm already feeling frazzled and numb. "ICE CREAM" the brilliant Mommy bursts out.....we'll go get a scoop of ice cream. Crying stops. We go get ice cream which DD plays with more than eats, drips it all over her dress, says she's done with it. She puts it in the garbage and then comes back & starts crying "I wasn't done!!!" Tune out, Tune out.
We get to choir (which is at my friends house, BTW) DD poops in her undies. She's wearing a dress and I've now learned not to let her wear nothing underneath after the office fiasco last week. Taking T's advice, I just say "okay, let's get you cleaned up." I clean her up and realize I've packed PJ's but no more undies and no diaper (which I still have her sleep in b/c of night accidents). So I tell her "Listen, we have no more clothes with us so if you need to go potty again, tell Mommy. Otherwise you're going to have to stay in poop clothes til we get home." She says okay.
Next I knock over my very substantial pendaflex file of music, which is all alphabetized. It shoots out across the room and I have to bend down (recall I've got the sinus infection so bending down is excruciating) and pick it all up then shuffle through it all and re-file it. Few minutes later, DD informs me she has now pooped in her PJ's. I say "Well, I'm sorry you chose to do that instead of using the potty. We have no other clothes, so you're going to have to live with it til we leave." I would have let her run around naked but I was worried she'd poop on their floor. She's crying. All my choir-mates are doing their best to tolerate her stink. I was horrified. Still trying to go on singing but having breakdowns instead. I had to stand away from everyone else b/c I was getting so stressed that being in a tight group of people was bringing on a panic attack. I had a hard time controlling my crying and I kept thinking this is when I miss having a boyfriend....when I just want someone who loves me to listen to me and give a hug. Then DD starts crying. She says she needs to poop on the potty now. I suspect it's a lie/ploy but I take her upstairs to the bathroom anyway. Lucky for me, there are some spare kids clothes hanging around at my friends house and I'm able to grab a pair of sweats that (sort-of) fit DD. The poop has worked it's way down both legs to her knees and as I take the PJ pants off, it smears all the way down & over her feet as well as getting all over me, under my fingernails. I throw her in their tub and wipe her down with TP the best I can then wash her off in the tub. Not realizing this tub has drainage problems until there is a pool of poopy water in the tub. I'm sitting on the floor and I go to get up, leaning on the edge of the tub, slip on the wet edge & smash my ribs into the side of the tub. Cry. Get the plunger & slowly help the tub drain out. Then clean the tub so I don't leave poop in my friends bath. We don't leave choir til almost 10. DD is awake until 10:30 and frankly I just couldn't wait for her to fall asleep. I needed the reprieve.
I was just so exhausted but still had dishes to put away, lunches to make. I slept restlessly, a battle of weary body, busy brain. This morning was a battle with DD, being that she was so over-tired. I love her more than anything but just was thrilled to leave her at daycare today. Of course, I get to work 20 minutes late, thanks to morning battles, and immediately there are emergencies, urgents and a tiff with the co-worker who is an ass. I broke down & had to shut my door. I feel very disconnected, physically, right now. Oh. lightbulb....time for grounded breathing. I did do my breathing and I came up with 2 prevailing thoughts: #1 - No Control. That's what is making me nuts. I feel entirely out of control. #2: HOLY potatoes my sinuses HURT!! :o{
I'm just in a really crappy (no pun intended) mood. It's been a trying time, for sure. Work has been so hectic and crazy. It seems like my In Box doubles on a daily basis and I simply can't do that much work. The 2 co-workers I depend on the most to help me just end up making more work for me. One because she is a self-centered, careless, unpleasant troll. The other because he is just an ass, really. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here every day and for every step forward, I'm being pushed 2 steps back.
Leaving here yesterday, after a normally stressful day, I picked up DD at daycare. I go to sign her out and see she's not taken a nap. DD always naps at school so this is highly abnormal. Of course it happens on a Tuesday, which is my longest day because of choir rehearsal. Under any other circumstances, I may have skipped choir or just cut it short but we're preparing for our biggest performance of the year this coming Sunday. And I still have a sinus infection. The anti-biotics are not working as quickly as everyone assured me they would. So my voice is questionable for this performance. Stresses me out. I'm the "lead lead", the "top Diva" as I jokingly call it. Meaning there are 3 other women who sing the same part that I do but I'm the strongest voice and they count on me to lead my section. No pressure, though. :o)
So after I pick DD up, she is already whining at me in the car. We have to kill some time before choir and I don't have any errands to do this particular day. I tell DD I'd like to stop at the library. Noooooooooo, she whines; she doesn't want the library. I go anyway to discover they are closing in 5 minutes. Summer hours, I guess. So I say we can't go. Wwwaaaaaahhhhhhh, she cries; she wanted to go to the library. Tune her out...tune her out. I'm already feeling frazzled and numb. "ICE CREAM" the brilliant Mommy bursts out.....we'll go get a scoop of ice cream. Crying stops. We go get ice cream which DD plays with more than eats, drips it all over her dress, says she's done with it. She puts it in the garbage and then comes back & starts crying "I wasn't done!!!" Tune out, Tune out.
We get to choir (which is at my friends house, BTW) DD poops in her undies. She's wearing a dress and I've now learned not to let her wear nothing underneath after the office fiasco last week. Taking T's advice, I just say "okay, let's get you cleaned up." I clean her up and realize I've packed PJ's but no more undies and no diaper (which I still have her sleep in b/c of night accidents). So I tell her "Listen, we have no more clothes with us so if you need to go potty again, tell Mommy. Otherwise you're going to have to stay in poop clothes til we get home." She says okay.
Next I knock over my very substantial pendaflex file of music, which is all alphabetized. It shoots out across the room and I have to bend down (recall I've got the sinus infection so bending down is excruciating) and pick it all up then shuffle through it all and re-file it. Few minutes later, DD informs me she has now pooped in her PJ's. I say "Well, I'm sorry you chose to do that instead of using the potty. We have no other clothes, so you're going to have to live with it til we leave." I would have let her run around naked but I was worried she'd poop on their floor. She's crying. All my choir-mates are doing their best to tolerate her stink. I was horrified. Still trying to go on singing but having breakdowns instead. I had to stand away from everyone else b/c I was getting so stressed that being in a tight group of people was bringing on a panic attack. I had a hard time controlling my crying and I kept thinking this is when I miss having a boyfriend....when I just want someone who loves me to listen to me and give a hug. Then DD starts crying. She says she needs to poop on the potty now. I suspect it's a lie/ploy but I take her upstairs to the bathroom anyway. Lucky for me, there are some spare kids clothes hanging around at my friends house and I'm able to grab a pair of sweats that (sort-of) fit DD. The poop has worked it's way down both legs to her knees and as I take the PJ pants off, it smears all the way down & over her feet as well as getting all over me, under my fingernails. I throw her in their tub and wipe her down with TP the best I can then wash her off in the tub. Not realizing this tub has drainage problems until there is a pool of poopy water in the tub. I'm sitting on the floor and I go to get up, leaning on the edge of the tub, slip on the wet edge & smash my ribs into the side of the tub. Cry. Get the plunger & slowly help the tub drain out. Then clean the tub so I don't leave poop in my friends bath. We don't leave choir til almost 10. DD is awake until 10:30 and frankly I just couldn't wait for her to fall asleep. I needed the reprieve.
I was just so exhausted but still had dishes to put away, lunches to make. I slept restlessly, a battle of weary body, busy brain. This morning was a battle with DD, being that she was so over-tired. I love her more than anything but just was thrilled to leave her at daycare today. Of course, I get to work 20 minutes late, thanks to morning battles, and immediately there are emergencies, urgents and a tiff with the co-worker who is an ass. I broke down & had to shut my door. I feel very disconnected, physically, right now. Oh. lightbulb....time for grounded breathing. I did do my breathing and I came up with 2 prevailing thoughts: #1 - No Control. That's what is making me nuts. I feel entirely out of control. #2: HOLY potatoes my sinuses HURT!! :o{
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
14 Years Ago
These are some excerpts from a journal I found a while back.
Background to help understand this post – my brother (one of my abusers) had an enormous tumor and it was at this time he was living at our house temporarily while he underwent testing, treatment and eventually a surgery to remove it. My parents were still married but my father (another abuser) was living/working out of state. He returned home for all of this. It was also a few days before my birthday. I'd like to add that my jaw nearly hit the floor when I read back over this and saw the following first statement.....HOW exactly does she ask a kid something of this magnitude after what I'd experienced at the hands of my family??
6/6/94: Mom has asked me to help keep the family together. How do I tell her, at a time like this, that I don’t feel like I have anything to hold it together for? I’ve been trying for so long, following in my mother’s footsteps. It’s not a behavior pattern I want to follow. Saturday was an absolute disaster. We had dinner and I was so miserable. I was just dealing with so many feelings and having (brother) and dad there together is too overwhelming. (Brother's Girlfriend) was here and Uncle too. Under other circumstances, I could have forced myself to be happy. But I was bursting into tears all evening. It was all I could do to even sit at the table with them I hardly ate, I barely spoke and when I did it was quiet & brief. Mom said that I sounded like a wounded child. Don’t they understand that is exactly what I am? They bring me back to that hurt scared little girl that I was and I guess I’m just not in touch with all those feelings yet. I felt horrible – I knew I was ruining dinner but I just couldn’t force it Let me add that (Brother) and Dad both did not recognize or mention my birthday. Mom got a cake but they didn’t want to have it with me.
7/4/94 (Brother) had his surgery. It was long and complicated. I stayed at the hospital all day with mom. I went to the hospital a few times but couldn’t handle it. Just seeing him so helpless was like turning the tables. I just didn’t know how to feel about all of it. I didn’t like to see him in pain but I wasn’t really upset. One of the side effects of the surgery could have been impotence. I found myself thinking what a sick kind of justice that would be. I know that’s horrible and I certainly wasn’t wishing for it. Sometime I feel like I’m making too much out of what happened. There’s no doubt it’s affected me. Will I ever know what “making love” feels like? Will it ever be more than just an empty physical act? I was going to throw together some dinner and I asked Mom where something was and she said it was on the table. I felt like I was in a movie. I turned around to look at the table and I felt like I was in slow motion. I saw the table all set and started to hyperventilate and cry. I tried to collect myself but I was hysterical. I didn’t want to go through that dinner scene again. My stomach just dropped and I was mad at mom for putting me in that position without forewarning me. She said she asked everyone what they wanted to do and they wanted to eat at the table. I guess I’m not part of everyone? I ran downstairs feeling very upset and betrayed.
It was interesting to me to read these. I realized I've been dealing with panic attacks FAR longer than I ever realized. I realize how long I've been questioning if what happened was really "that bad" or if I was making too much of it. I had forgotten completely that my mother actually asked me to help her keep the family together. That's insanity. No wonder I'm so hostile toward her. It showed me how long I've been pushing my own pain aside so as not to inconvenience others. It shows me how F***ed up my family really is.
Background to help understand this post – my brother (one of my abusers) had an enormous tumor and it was at this time he was living at our house temporarily while he underwent testing, treatment and eventually a surgery to remove it. My parents were still married but my father (another abuser) was living/working out of state. He returned home for all of this. It was also a few days before my birthday. I'd like to add that my jaw nearly hit the floor when I read back over this and saw the following first statement.....HOW exactly does she ask a kid something of this magnitude after what I'd experienced at the hands of my family??
6/6/94: Mom has asked me to help keep the family together. How do I tell her, at a time like this, that I don’t feel like I have anything to hold it together for? I’ve been trying for so long, following in my mother’s footsteps. It’s not a behavior pattern I want to follow. Saturday was an absolute disaster. We had dinner and I was so miserable. I was just dealing with so many feelings and having (brother) and dad there together is too overwhelming. (Brother's Girlfriend) was here and Uncle too. Under other circumstances, I could have forced myself to be happy. But I was bursting into tears all evening. It was all I could do to even sit at the table with them I hardly ate, I barely spoke and when I did it was quiet & brief. Mom said that I sounded like a wounded child. Don’t they understand that is exactly what I am? They bring me back to that hurt scared little girl that I was and I guess I’m just not in touch with all those feelings yet. I felt horrible – I knew I was ruining dinner but I just couldn’t force it Let me add that (Brother) and Dad both did not recognize or mention my birthday. Mom got a cake but they didn’t want to have it with me.
7/4/94 (Brother) had his surgery. It was long and complicated. I stayed at the hospital all day with mom. I went to the hospital a few times but couldn’t handle it. Just seeing him so helpless was like turning the tables. I just didn’t know how to feel about all of it. I didn’t like to see him in pain but I wasn’t really upset. One of the side effects of the surgery could have been impotence. I found myself thinking what a sick kind of justice that would be. I know that’s horrible and I certainly wasn’t wishing for it. Sometime I feel like I’m making too much out of what happened. There’s no doubt it’s affected me. Will I ever know what “making love” feels like? Will it ever be more than just an empty physical act? I was going to throw together some dinner and I asked Mom where something was and she said it was on the table. I felt like I was in a movie. I turned around to look at the table and I felt like I was in slow motion. I saw the table all set and started to hyperventilate and cry. I tried to collect myself but I was hysterical. I didn’t want to go through that dinner scene again. My stomach just dropped and I was mad at mom for putting me in that position without forewarning me. She said she asked everyone what they wanted to do and they wanted to eat at the table. I guess I’m not part of everyone? I ran downstairs feeling very upset and betrayed.
It was interesting to me to read these. I realized I've been dealing with panic attacks FAR longer than I ever realized. I realize how long I've been questioning if what happened was really "that bad" or if I was making too much of it. I had forgotten completely that my mother actually asked me to help her keep the family together. That's insanity. No wonder I'm so hostile toward her. It showed me how long I've been pushing my own pain aside so as not to inconvenience others. It shows me how F***ed up my family really is.
Labels:
abuse,
brother issues,
inner child,
panic attack,
parents
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Xanax, Anyone??????
What I didn't include in my last entry was the fact that I was expecting another visitor. I sent J home on Monday morning. My mother arrived Monday afternoon. I started this with her last year. It's something my daughter enjoys. It's something my mother really loves. I get a certain benefit from it as well in different ways.
Is it any coincidence that I had a total laid back, good time with J but as soon as my mother comes, I'm tight, tense, having shoulder/chest pains, trouble sleeping? I was actually nervous to get on the ferry boat this afternoon for the lake cruise b/c I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. For me, that's the biggest component of a panic attack. That heart attack feeling. If I'd had my Xanax with me, I would have taken one. I managed to compose myself with relaxation breathing and a walk around the ship. I'm still feeling very tight.
Last night, I had a dream that had many odd components to it. The part that stood out at me the most was that I was living in a haunted house and every time I tried to put the key in the doorknob, it was sucked into the knob and disappeared. Well, that says alot right there. A haunting, in a dream, symbolizes early traumas, repressed feelings & memories. Can't open the door, being locked out? So, off the bat with her arrival, I was bringing up some demons.
Today on the way to the lake cruise, DD fell asleep and my mother was talking. She was complimenting me on what a great mother I am. I appreciate the critique but really....it doesn't mean much coming from her AND I want to say "It's not that F***ing hard to be a great Mom!!!" Why couldn't she do it, too?? She was talking about kids she sees in the course of her job and how they are so innocent and being "ruined" by horrible parents. She talks about patients she takes care of and how she doesn't put up with them speaking to her abusively. But I guess it was okay for her to let my father treat her that way? And treat me that way? I don't get it. It's no great wonder I need some god damn Xanax tonight.
Someday, I will have the wherewithall to shut her up when she starts down that line of conversation. For now.....I *WISH* my silence would say as much to her as it says to me. But she doesn't get it. And I just don't have the energy to explain to her how utterly clueless and inappropriate she is. I don't really care enough right now. She leaves in the morning. Let the countdown begin........
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