Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish

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"I'm not touching this one with a ten-foot Polish person."

~ God

"Jesus was a nice Jewish boy from a good Jewish family who had some strange ideas."

~ St. Paul in his letter to the Kligontians.

"You guys do know I wasn't white, right?"

Would the crowds have followed Jesus if he looked like this? He couldn't get a miracle passed if he had this guy's kisser.

One of the great misconceptions about Jesus is that he was Jewish. This is of course ignorance in the extreme - Jesus Christ was a Christian. All you have to do is read about him, because if the Bible said he was Jewish it's news to me. And none of the stuff about Jewish things ever makes it into the movies, so it didn't happen. In fact, researchers in Hollywood have proven beyond a reason or a doubt that Jesus was converted to Christianity by John that Baptist. Jesus was (as we all know, from the movies) murdered by the Jews due to his religious beliefs and good looks, and you can tell from the better ones that the Jews really had some kind of bone to pick with the guy.

All of that proves that Jesus was not Jewish. People have to stop believing this un-movielike lie. Here are several reasons why I know what I know.

Jesus Never Engaged In Jewish Activities

Jesus never wore glasses, or had affairs with my mother which caused my dad to leave me and my older brother. Never. And Jesus never ate babies, or cut off his genitalia (why would he?), and he never stole money from the his followers or mom's rainy-day account when he could help it. In fact he was highly critical of such things, especially when he ran the merchants out of the temple for not giving him the correct change[1] . Jesus never celebrated Hanukkah or Passover or Christmas, nor any of those other bogus holidays promoted in the Jewish bestseller, the Book of Leviticus. He especially did not celebrate the Year of Jubilee. Jesus instead promoted a philosophy totally at odds with the ignorant Jewish vegetarian rule of "Thou shalt not kill", the death-penalty obsessed anti-Roman ways of the Pharisees that rule the Jews, or the idol-worshipping ways of orthodox Judaism, or even the things Arabs do. I doubt if Jesus even came from the Middle-East at all.

And Jesus wasn't like any of those heathen virgin birth Sumerian, Egyptian, Roman and Persian Gods who were born on December 25th, not in any way. Because he was a Christian, and proud of it.

A balanced and fair depiction of your typical historical Jewish activity. Jesus would never cook humans, not in one million years.

Jesus Had Christian Heritage

Jesus was the son of God. God is one of the founders of Christianity, along with Moses and Cleopatra and maybe even that Abraham guy, and Mary was also a Christian long before she agreed to carry Jesus around inside her and then let him loose into the world. And for those who Lie she was Jewish, you don't know the same logic applies to her; it's Biblical Canon she's a descendant of the Christian King David. So there you go, ipso facto. If God was Jewish what do you know?

Jesus' Christian heritage can be seen as so:

Jesus Was Killed By Jews

The Jews killed Jesus for his religious viewpoints and maybe his hair. If Jesus were a Jew, which he never was and neither were his parents or his relatives or his Rabbi, the Jews would not have done this, as Jews do not kill their own kind. Much like their ancestors, the ants, they are a hive-mind, and to kill one of their own kind would cause a chain-reaction like lemmings walking up to the edge of a cliff and deciding to jump off. Jesus was the lemming who said "Let's don't jump this time, let's do something else now".

Since the Jews killed Jesus with a big piece of wood, like a vampire only on the outside, it is safe to assume he most certainly wasn't Jewish but Christian. As a Christian he went to heaven, which he would never have found if he was Jewish because everyone knows and the movies tell us that the Jews have a different kind of heaven, one sort of like that E.T. film where the alien guy points to his heart and goes home or something.

If Jesus or my dad had been Jewish and real strong the story would have ended more or less like this. But Jesus was Christian, and so he knew he'd be in heaven with his dog soon enough.

Jesus Warned People About Jews Being Bad

Jesus told people to be Christian and watch out for Jewish culture and food, not out of hate or fear or indigestion, but out of a divine purpose and an instinct for protection. God, as stated and proven above, is Christian, and thus could no longer stand to see the Jews taking over things like the film industry, so he sent Jesus down to earth to show the Jews how it should properly be done (psst. Revenue sharing versus a piece of the percentage).

"Who're you calling a Jew? You and what Roman army?"

Jesus' girlfriend was Christian, not Jewish

Mary Magdelene was Christian all the way, not Jewish. When Jesus started to date her he made sure she was Christian. She even knew some of the apostles, who were all Christian and not Jewish. One of the apostles, John, used to date her before Jesus did, and they had a man-thing going for awhile about who was dating her now, and back off bro I saw her first, and I dated her before you did so she's mine, and uh-uh, O no you don't, and then Jesus won her heart because you know why? He was Christian! That's why.

Jesus Is Called "Christ" For A Reason

Jesus' name on his birth certificate is "Jesus Christ", not "Jesus Jew" or "Jesus, King of the Jews". If he was Jewish he wouldn't have been named "Christ" right from the get-go, now would he? Names mean things, and to be named Jesus Christ was pretty cool for the guy, who could have been named most anything.

It's pretty simple to say that this alone proves he was Christian.



Washing his feetnote

  1. Ironically, his followers have now set up mass markets to sell all kinds of Christian symbols. Go figure.
The Holy Family of the Jesii
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names.
If you are still confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus
.
Main Jesii
Original Jesus : Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself! Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother: Jebus
Evil Jesus : Like the Antichrist, but worse. ¿Qué?: Jesús
Jesus Christ Sponge : Purge sin and clean your dishes! Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus
Placebo Jesus  : Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe! Your own: Personal Jesus
Jesus Hasselhoff : He's everywhere! Jesus' very own Homeland: Jesusland
Canadian Jesus : The Second Coming! Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus
MicroJesus : A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware
Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish : Enough said. But what If Jesus had lived in America?
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names.
If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus
.
Monster Jesii
Jesusaurus Rex : The tyrant Jesus...lizard Save yourself from Werejesus !
Raptor Jesus : Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus
Attack of the 500 foot Jesus : New York, watch out! This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus
Munchie Jesii
Jam Jesus : With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus
Jesus Juice : An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! A stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick!
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
Pity them, and feed them table scraps.
If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch!
Bad Jesii
Atheist Jesus : You won't believe his disbelief... French Jesus: Djesus
Piss Christ: Ewww! You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus
Communist Jesus: In Soviet Russia, Jesus dies for YOU! Pestering your grandpa's social media: AI Jesus
Republican Jesus : Has a "W" sticker on his SUV And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names.
If you are confused about which one you want to know to know it is it is yes, babs, it's probably Original Jesus
.
Funny Jesii
Prehistoric Jesus : The find of the century. Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus
Hide and Go Jesus : The hardest one to find Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus
Sweet smoking Jesus : What would Jesus smoke? Try our new McWine(TM)!: McJesus
Musical Jesii
Disco Jesus : Knows how to love you The Jewish Rap Sensation: MC Jesus
Rockstar Jesus : Singer and Songwriter Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus
Twisted Jesii
Jesus 1.5a : An alpha prototype Christ. Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus
Jesus Christ - Alcoholic : He drank too much wine at the last supper. Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah
Jesus Marx : Illegal Commie Clone He's blonde, cultish, and "not" a Nazi: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Pseudo-Jesii
Stephen Colbert : Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin
Kyle Broflovski : The Passion of the Jew He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS
Jesus LaBrie : That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something. Exiled from Babylon: Rasta Jesus
Accordion Jesus : Saves you from pop music. Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus
Jihad Jesus : جهاد عيسي Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus
If you are still unsatisfied with these Jesii, you can always check out even...
More Jesii
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