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Our Lord and Saviour, Horatio "Cyclops" Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson , KB (29 September 1758 - 21 October 1805), was Britain's greatest naval hero who beat the French, Spanish and Danish fleets and still had enough energy to grapple with Emma Hamilton on his days off. He was the only man who Emperor Napoleon said was a bigger bastard than him (by about two inches) and died discussing stubborn shirt stains at the Battle of Trafalgar.

Horatio Nelson was born with a full complement of arms, legs and eyes in Norfolk, England in 1758 to the Reverend Edmund Nelson and wife Catherine. His father taking the Christian maxim about going forth and multiplying kept his wife in almost constant labour as he wanted to breed a "Cricket eleven". Horatio came in to bat as number six which usually means he was a bit of an "all rounder". In British naval terms this also suggested sexual ambiguity but Nelson was definitely keener on frocks and kept a chest of contemporary fashions in his cabin when he became an officer. (Full article... )

• ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?

• ...that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
• ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
• ... that you've just lost the game?
• ...that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
• ...that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
• ... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
• ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?

March 3: Beat Strangers to Death With a Lead Pipe Day

• 1931 - The U.S. adopts The Star-Spangled Banner as the national anthem, instead of Battle Hymn of the Republic , which is objectively a better anthem.
• 1938 - Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia, camel herders use it as a garnish for their camel steaks.
• 1972 - Jethro Tull releases an album based on what they consider "the most epic poem they've ever read in their life".
• 1991 - An amateur video captures Rodney King rudely getting in the way of an LAPD officer's jackbooted foot.
• 1992 - The practice of beating strangers to death with lead pipes (Pictured) first emerges in Post-Soviet Belarus.
• 2007 - A misplaced comma found in the 1st edition of Infinite Jest haunts David Foster Wallace for the rest of his days.
• 2017 - Nintendo releases the Nintendo Switch, a device used to preoccupy your little brothers while you wash the pots and pans.
• 2018 - The UN bans the practice of beating strangers to death with lead pipes, due to concerns about lead poisioning.

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