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BREAKING NEWS: NFL fans outside Philly and Kansas City boycott Super Bowl, Swifties replace them
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CALIFORNIA - The devastating wildfires that have been raging LA and Southern California - including the homes of many celebrities - have claimed 27 at last count and caused 250ドル billion in damages. While it was initially suspected of being caused by global warming and/or "human factors" such as arson, after recent investigation from the FBI, it has been revealed that Smokey Bear is part of a covert organization to start wildfires.
The cabal also includes Smokey Robinson, Smoky Barrett, the ghost of Smoky Dawson, Smoky Mountain Wrestling, Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files , The Marlboro Man, Joe Camel, Smokey on O'Reilly, and Smokey and the Bandit. And formerly David Lynch until his Thursday death. "This is my revenge for the CGI mess my ad council has made of me in recent years," Smokey Bear says. "I'm supposed to be big, rugged and voiced by Sam Elliott. But those goddamn woke liberal snowflakes turned me into a cute little Chuck E. Cheese f----t. This is why my man, Donald Trump, won!" When asked how we went from an ardent environmentalist into full-blown MAGA, the famous ursus explained, "The hell did you expect? I'm 80!" CAPITAL ONE ARENA, WASHINGTON D.C. - To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Elon Musk has made a nazi salute to his fellow Trump supporters yesterday. We at UnNews are not shocked at all to know that Musk is obviously from the far-right and hence, does dumbass racist shit like this. Is there any thing to take from this? Well, what hasn't been taken already? Far right hate groups obviously devolve into crazy stuff like this all the time, try to cover up their notions with the "durr woke liberals think everything is HITLER" and refuse to see that duh, you hate basically all minorities except for the straight, white, conservative, Christian, American, rich, cis male. ELON MUSK isn't even all of that! (bolded the punchline for you guys) Hell, sure Hitler may not have been a Christian, American, or technically even white by Western standards at this point, but damn it it is pretty close.
WASHINGTON DC -- President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration today will prove to be just as controversial and surreal as the rest of his political career, as time travelers are taking part in the various D.C. protests. What a minute...
The arrival of time travelers has been thoroughly reported around the nation's capital for days now, appearing out of glowing electronic orbs and carrying picket signs with slogans written in some indecipherable language that we can only assume are clever. Though they don't speak our language, they all seem to share a passionate hatred for Donald Trump. It's clearly a universal tongue.
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Your horoscope for today: Last week you stepped in some dogshit. Oh wait, you want next week? Hang on, I was looking at the chart upside down.
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