Web1.2 (眼鏡かけて)

本を読もうとして、活字が相当見えにくくなっていることが判明した。老眼が進みすぎたらしい。老眼鏡をかけていないから分からないが、もう見えないものと考えていいのだろう。すなわち、私の人生における活字からのインプットは、おおかた終わってしまったということだ。まあ、いまでもアウトプットに要する資源の半分くらいは、20歳以前に仕入れたような気がしていたこともあり、そう大勢には影響はないと予想される。しかし、フィジカル(身体的/物理的)な理由でインプットを断念することは想定していなかったので、あーこんな日が来るものかという感慨がある。

ときを同じくして、血圧も急上昇している。上が155、下が105というのが常態で、頭は痛いしダルイし、食事のあとなどはさらに上がって、気分が悪くなって横になるほどだ。こういった老人性を疑われる体調不良が来るのも、予想より早かった。人生は折り返し地点を確実に過ぎている。しかし老いの構造については、とりあえず以前にもブログに書いたように、いちおう整理はしてあるから、そんなにうろたえることはない。

これも一種の老いかもしれないが、自分は他人とこうも違うものなのかという感覚と、それでもいいやという感覚が強まっている。みんななんでそんなに世相に合わそうとしているのかということが、まるで分からなくなっている。ネットの新サービスなんてほとんどどうでもいいし、フジテレビのデモも、反原発デモも、遠い別の国で起こっていることのようだ。そのくせ、誰もチェリビダッケなんか聴こうとしない。

ちょっと足を伸ばせばすぐに当事者として参加できるのかもしれない。しかし、新宿で柄谷行人さんがマイクを取ったり、いとうせいこうさんがラップをしたり、デモの参加者が機動隊を殴って逮捕されたりしていることをツイッターで横目で見ていても、おっさんたちすげえなという感想しか浮かばない。何が彼らをそうさせているのか。そんなことを考えながら、近所の酒屋で買ってきた赤ワインを空け、チーズをつまみ、ベランダでぼんやり空を見ながらときどき居眠りしたりしている。本は読んでいない。もう読めないからだ。

耳はまだ聞こえるので、チェリビダッケの悲愴を聴くことができる。これでもう十分。

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