Sir
Sir <insert name here>,
I am writing with the intention of objecting most heartily to the motion to amend the proposed articles of the policy document (Articles 27.3.b through 27.4.c and 34.a), these articles have been a great solace in times of tribulation, they have kept us warm and reminded us of what it means to be British, we may not have flash American cars, or the raw efficiency of the Hun (what with their steelworks and refusal to admit THAT THEY WERE BLOODY WELL WRONG), but by gum we have the indomitable refusal to acknowledge that we are ever worse than anyone at anything, ever.
But I digress, the aformentioned articles (Articles 27.3.b through 27.4.c and 34.a) are integral to the smooth running of Loughborough town council, and without them I fear that we may be sunk. Why, I remember the time I was serving on the HMS Grimsby, back in the winter of '42, on escort duty. We got stuck just off the coast of Norway, engines shot you know? Anyway, the men got rather peculiar, after a few weeks of drifting they were always retiring to their rooms with one another (to indulge in a stimulating game of yahtzee or somesuch I should assume) and there were most peculiar noises emenating from the starboard torpedo tubes. Indeed, one day I passed by the tubes only to find the captain and the first mate in a state of conjugation! I was shocked! The captain was a man of advancing years however, and the stimulation had apparently worried his heart. He fell to the deck, grabbing at his chest. "Stand back!" I said, remembering my training with the Corps, "I'm a doctor!" The mate was somewhat nonplussed but allowed me to perform my life-saving work, until, after a few moments he cried "who the hell are you, you cad, and what are you doing on this fine ship of the King's Navy?". I replied, "I am merely a patriotic lad, come to war to shoot some Germans, and mayhap find a young Belgian lass, with whom I can settle down. Like that TV show, you know the one, that one with that English captain who marries that Belgian resistance woman?"
The main complaint I possess with proposed amendment of the articles in question is that the alterations of the articles (Articles 27.3.b through 27.4.c and 34.a) will undoubtedly affect, in the most heinous fashion, the very life we fought the Hun to protect, those many years ago. Why, I remember when I was serving in the Home Guard, still looking for my Belgian lass, I ended up in the Netherlands. Operation Market-Garden they called it, though it was more like Operation Take-Some-Bloody-Bridges, I've never understood that. We were to seize seven bridges, the first six fell easily, but we had some trouble at the 7th. I remember coming face to face with a group of Germans, they shot "Spiffer" Peterson and provoked a number of our troop to run like bloody leopards. As in leopards that have just been shot. And are dead. We escaped, but never took the bridge. It was a bridge too far, you could say.
In conclusion, I feel that the proposed amendment to the articles (Articles 27.3.b through 27.4.c and 34.a), are extremely harmful, and all due consideration should be undertaken when concluding their amendment, at whatever point in time this may occur. Maybe tomorrow.
Yours faithfully, Colonel J.E. Oswald KBE, MA(ox) (retired)
