picture of experience

my little ones love to watch me draw and doodle in my art journal. so much that i let them add their own artwork.

this one is by Buddy (age 5). he drew our family. i'm blue, princess is green, and he and hubby are orange. he also drew our cat and dog.


the next two are by princess (age 3). the first one is daddy laying down in the grass.
this one is me hugging andrew, and she is playing.

i love seeing their drawings and hearing the stories they tell to me about them.

last night i was hugging my little boy and he said, "mommy, i love you SOOO much i can't EVEN stop!"

i just love my babies.

sometimes i am so overwhelmed with love and pride in my children i can't breathe.

being a mother is the most amazing thing in the world.

one of the things my art journal has allowed me to do is reflect on myself in a different way. in a regular journal, of which i have stacks and stacks of, i mostly write about what i did, where i went, and how i feel about it. or i write pages and pages about how depressed i am. in my art journal, it's a different story--it's a story of me. i'm sure someone who read my journals would know a part of me, someone who looked at my art journal would probably understand me better.

and i've begun to understand myself better, too.

in high school i did a lot of self-portraits. mostly reflections on the inner turmoil i was dealing with--undiagnosed bipolar disorder, depression, PTSD, self-loathing and normal teenage angst, all wrapped up into one enormous dysfunctional 17-year-old. now that i am an adult, on appropriate medication, have moved on from the abuse and generally less dysfunctional, it is interesting to me to see the different way i am portraying myself. there are a lot more words, and a lot more colors involved.

so who am i, really? a wife, a mother, a woman, an artist. these are all labels, all things i do--important things. but what's underneath that?


i'm a person, i struggle with self-esteem. i don't really like the way i look. i think i'm witty sometimes, and i can be funny. i'm smart. i have artistic talent, which i am trying to hone. i am a creative person, and i'm outgoing. i love people. i'm generally an optimist, when i'm not struggling with mental illness.


so the thing is....i'm made up of a lot of things. genetics. experiences. what i've seen, heard, and felt. what i believe. my convictions, ethics, and values. i change, i adapt, i learn, i grow. i'm not perfect, but i want to be better than i was, and better than i am. tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...i will be different--but deep down, still the same person.

i, myself, am made of flaws. stitched together with good intentions.

i'll bet you didn't know i love sharpies.

you did?

well, i guess i haven't mentioned it before, huh? :)

see these two beautiful new packages of multi-colored sharpies? they're my new favorites. hubby told me he'd give me 10ドル if i let him try to drop a candy into my mouth from two feet away....from his mouth. yeah, he missed. but i still got 10ドル. and two new packages of sharpies. yay, me!

i think the sharpie people should pay me, because i promote their products so much.

thanks to everyone who took the time to enter my giveaway! it really means a lot to me, it makes me feel loved and supported. :) so thank you so much.

the big winner of the painting....

kyleigh! congrats!
you will soon be sporting a brand spaking new "cornnut original" on your wall. lucky you! hehe.

the big winner of the art journal....

tiffany!
thanks for all of the awesome comments you left!

and since my other entrants are also pretty darn cool, you also win! i'll be making you each a mini art journal.

congrats, jasui and keri!

thank you so much to the four of you for being such good friends.

send me an email at cornnut32@gmail.com with your mailing address and what you would like your original painting/art journal entry to consist of.

love you all tons!

so for my birthday hubby and the kids got me a freaking awesome field easel. it packs up all nice and small and fits in a canvas bag, and is super adjustable. so look at how cool my easel is and ignore my messy house. (in my defense, i have a three year old, a five year old and a husband. plus i'm a crappy housekeeper, so there.)

i was so excited about my freaking awesome easel that i suddenly became prolific in my art production. i did a really difficult and time-consuming paint-by-number, which turned out pretty well.


then i was perusing pinterest and found this cool sketch done by picasso of a mother holding her child. it was unfinished, but i loved it so much that i did an acrylic of it, and finished it in my own style. i love the way it turned out (mostly) and it's now hanging in my entryway.





hubby asked me to paint something just for him, so for valentine's day i did this one. he is studying applied cognition and neuroscience (if you just said "wait, what?" i feel ya. big words. he's studying the brain because he's a brainy brain lover. hehe.) so i looked at some brain scans and came up with this. pretty cool, eh?

want to know what my next painting is? well...YOU could decide! because it could be for YOU! so go enter my giveaway RIGHT NOW, because you KNOW you WANT TO!

what are you waiting for? click here! enter! you won't regret it if you do, but you will regret it if you don't!

two years ago today my grandma passed away.

i miss her every single day.

i love you, grandma.

the time just after the kids fall asleep and hubby is done studying is often the highlight of my day. it's when i get to just relax and BE. sometimes hubby and i watch netflix or play a game. sometimes he surfs the internet while i read or draw, or he plays video games while i sit next to him and relax.

pretty much every night, though, i do at least one crossword. hubby lovingly teases me and calls me an old lady, but hey--i won't be getting alzheimer's at a young age!


music is something that means so much to me. i play the piano, and having music come from my fingers is something i don't take for granted. listening to music really affects my mood. it makes me happy, silly, sad, reflective, calm, or even angry. but music, all kinds of music, can bring joy not only to me, but to everyone in the world.

and, of course, the thing that relaxes me the most is sleep. lots and lots of sleep. long naps, short naps, cat naps, all night long...i LOVE to sleep! and believe me, nothing helps you feel better about yourself and about your life than sleep. it really does solve everything!


what do you do to relax?

the other night i asked hubby to contribute to my art journal. i told him to draw whatever he wanted. hubby is a genius--a scientific mind, but not an artist. i am very proud of him for drawing in my art journal for me, when it's something he doesn't enjoy doing.

this one, "tough love," started out as a heart. then he put arms on it and decided that the heart looked strong now so he called it "tough love." hehe.


the second one he drew was about me, and what he thinks and feels about me. i love it. it's a colorful and happy butterfly, just emerged from its cocoon.

i think i've left my dark past in my cocoon behind, and now i'm flying forward into my life.

thanks, babe.

....and then everything is much easier. no one could love my children more than hubby and i do. no one could be a better mother to them than me--because they are a part of me. they mean everything to me and i would die for them. so even when princess is throwing toys at buddy's head and he is screaming hysterically and all i want to do is scream, i just need to remember that LOVE is all i need.

one of the things i've struggled with my entire life (at least as far back as i can remember) is self-esteem, especially when it comes to my appearance. after my babies were born it got worse. suddenly my entire body changed--and not for the better, in my opinion. things were suddenly sagging and no longer where they should be. i had a major layer of extra fat, and skin covered in stretch marks. for the last five years i've hated the way my stomach looks.

i came across a photograph of a woman's stomach that looked much like mine on pinterest awhile ago. along with it were these words:


A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.

It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's okay. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it.

now, when i look in the mirror, i try to remember these words.

awhile ago i posted some bucket list items here and here.

well....a few of those things have been checked off my list. hard to believe, but it's true.


1. get married in the Salt Lake City temple



2. become a mother





3. confront and forgive my abuser

4. dye my hair black




5. play Frank Lloyd Wright's piano



6. own red high heels




7. have my own gallery show. even if it means building my own gallery in my backyard out of refrigerator boxes and inviting the neighbors.

8. visit europe...paris, london, venice, florence, prague, rome. at least.

9. see a rothko, pollock, and klimt in person.







10. feel beautiful.

11. be able to sit for five minutes and feel nothing but peace...no worry, anxiety, depression. just peace.

12. watch my children grow up to be happy people.

13. finish an associate's degree. finish a bachelor's degree, maybe a graduate degree. in art.



14. feel like a real artist...not an amateur pretending to be a real artist.

15. have a room in my house that i can hang art prints all over, so when i'm depressed, i can walk into that room and be surrounded by joy.

16. find out the secret to being happy.

17. go to the smithsonian, moma, louvre, musee d'orsay and any other art museum i can get myself to.

18. see a broadway play on broadway.

19. fly.....

20. watch a sunset that takes my breath away from beginning to end.

21. write a book.

22. learn to play clair de lune. if not perfectly, then at least accurately.

23. take more piano lessons. get better at playing. find time to practice.

24. learn to make those around me happy. with no reservations.

25. speak another language passably.

26. purchase an original work of art that i love. buy a couch to match the art. inform couch salesman that it is ridiculous to buy art to match a couch. it should be done the other way around.

27. paint something i am truly happy with, that i can look at without second guessing or critiquing.





28. own a four-poster canopy bed.

29. dress up in a regency ball gown.

30. be a good person, wife, mother, daughter and friend.

31. sleep under the stars on a clear night; learn to identify a few constellations.

being the kind of person that i am, i feel passionately about things. typically this means i either love something or hate something....or am totally ambivalent. there aren't many "in-between" emotions. and, sometimes, i can feel passionately about something and both love and hate it.

it is (generally) in my nature to be an optimist. often this drives hubby nuts...because he worries, and i just say, "everything will be fine." or he's stressed about something, and i just say, "no worries, relax. everything will work out." we balance each other pretty well in that regard, i think.

there are a lot of things i love. a few days ago, the kids and i made "things i love" hearts. theirs turned out pretty awesome, i have to say.

here is mine. of course, there are a thousand more things i could have listed, but these are the things that stood out to me that day.



but of course, the thing i love most...my man.

studmuffin hubby + cornnut forever, baby.

so what do you love? what would you include in your heart? make one and share!

this song is so beautiful to me.....listening to it makes me feel so happy, and so inspired.

just thought i'd share a little of that inspiration with you.

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(if you haven't seen Across the Universe, you definitely should....LOVE that movie.)

this art journal thing is pretty awesome. i'm really enjoying myself.

found this quote on pinterest...turned it into my own work of art. i like this...it's good to remember. the hard times, the scary things, the unknown--they all lead to the good things in life. new experiences, new people, new chances to learn.



another idea from pinterest--these are my children's hands. optical illusion....they bring color and life and a thousand shades of emotion to my life.


and this one is just self-explanatory. :)

anyone else out there use an art journal?

today my little buddy turned 5.

exactly five years ago at this moment, i was holding my brand new baby boy...only 3 hours old. and marveling at the tiny creature that had come from me.

today i held my big five year old...and marveled at how grown up he is. how intelligent, and sweet, and sensitive...and that he came from me.

i am so proud to be the mother of this amazing little boy....who isn't so little anymore.

five years old.....

a few days ago i decided that i was going to start creating more art. i've been a bit more prolific with my art production in the last few months with my painting (more on that in another post), which is awesome, but pulling my paints out and getting everything together isn't very convenient sometimes. hauling a sketchbook and prismas around is more so.

i've posted about how much i love pinterest before (it's a creative person's paradise). after seeing examples of art journals i decided i wanted to create my own. many of the art journals i've seen are very beautiful--and very elaborate! i don't have hours a day to devote to an art journal entry, not to mention the right kind of sketchbook and supplies. so i'm doing an art journal MY way, with my choice of materials.


this sketchbook is a really nice one--and one that my AP art teacher gave me when i graduated high school in 2004. (yes, i've been holding on to it that long!) when i opened it up there were two drawings in it (rather ugly ones, i might add). out they went. i typically don't like to rip pages out of bound sketchbooks but i made an exception in this case. it has probably 200 pages of plain paper in it. perfect.

my choice of media is pretty typical for me as well--prismacolor pencils (both standard and verithin) and sharpies. i LOVE sharpies. colored sharpies, black sharpies, thick sharpies, thin sharpies, angled sharpies, paint sharpies, fabric sharpies....i love how smooth they are on paper, and the way they smell, and the brightness of the colors.

and thus my art journal was born.


this was my first page--an illustration of what is most important to me.

it is true...what i love most about my home is who i share it with.

my handsome, genius, hardworking husband. my sweet, intelligent son. my spitfire, loving daughter.

my home wouldn't be HOME without them.

i found the poem for this one (which i modified slightly) on pinterest. (it looks bubbled because of my camera, and while the text is uneven it's not as bad as it shows. it also cut about an inch off all around it.) i'm actually pretty happy with this one, it will match my living room pretty well. plus...this is something i need to remember!

this one i started in early august and just finished last night. it's an anniversary present for hubby. this one also looks better in real life and has had the edges cut off in the photo.

both are done in acrylic on 16x20 wrapped canvas.

it has been nearly four months since my last post. it's not because nothing has been going on, but rather because i haven't known what to say. the culmination of the last four months--and, in fact, the past twelve years--came just last week. i confronted my abuser in person and forgave him.

i have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis and have been doing EMDR with her. this has had an amazing effect on me. the nightmares stopped. the flashbacks stopped. thinking about my past and the abuse no longer gave me panic attacks, caused fear or anger. i was able to let the anger toward him go. i have been much happier and much less volatile.

i have also been put on hormone therapy, which has helped immensely. i don't have such drastic mood swings and my depression has been better overall. i have had more energy and don't lose control of my emotions nearly as often.

i have had little to no contact with my parents. this has been extremely difficult for me but i believe it has been for the best. i have separated myself from the dysfunction of our realtionship. i still want so badly to try to repair the relationship but in spite of my willingness to do so, my parents have all but refused to alter their method of communication and won't listen to my feelings. i don't know how much longer this will last. i still feel ostracized and cut out of the family. part of this is my doing, i know--but to be frankly honest i felt that way even when i was communicating with them on a regular basis.

approximately two months ago i was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. she has been sick for quite some time; several years, in fact. when i arrived i found my uncle (my abuser) was there. this was the first time i had encountered him since i had done the EMDR work with my therapist. when i saw him, and knew he was there, i was able to remain calm and relatively unaffected by the situation. i left the hospital feeling happier than i had in a long time, proud of myself for my progress and relief at the fact that the fear and anxiety were no longer attached to his memory or presence.

just over a week ago our family had a devastating blow...my grandmother passed away. i have been struggling so much with her death. yesterday is the first day i have not cried since her passing...and even then i had to fight the tears. i cannot go into any more detail than this because i am sure i will lose it again. i was very close to her and i am sure it will take a long time for me to recover from the loss, to lose the ache in my chest every time i think of her.

last friday night was her viewing. i spent all week in agony, anticipating the viewing and funeral. i was so anxious, i didn't think i would be able to handle it. once there i did better than i had expected. i cried--a lot--but i didn't go into hysterics. of course my uncle was there, standing with my dad and his siblings and my grandfather, next to the casket. i avoided him through much of the viewing. but just before we left, i gathered the courage to talk to him for the first time since i was thirteen.

i felt safe knowing that i was surrounded by many people who loved me. my husband was there. he has been so strong for me, so supportive of me. i knew my grandmother would be proud of me. so i did it.

i told him that i forgave him. i told him that i would never be okay, that i would always struggle. i told him it had taken me a very long time to get to this point, but i had finally been able to forgive him.

he tried to touch my arm and i stepped back. he apologized and stepped back from me as well. he told me he was very sorry for what he did. he said that he had been through a lot of counseling, and that the therapy had helped him fix his life. he said that he tried to convey to me how sorry he was through my parents and others. he apologized to me probably five times. he thanked me for speaking to him. i told him thank you for the apology and i shook his hand. then i walked away.

through this entire interaction, which lasted five minutes at the most, i had nothing worse than butterflies in my stomach. afterward i was amazed at the way i was able to maintain my calm. i didn't feel threatened or afraid. it was an impromptu confrontation but i am very glad that i did it. i left the viewing with a mixture of devastation for the loss of my grandmother and euphoria for my ability to confront my uncle.

the next day at the funeral i did not look at him or speak to him, and he still stayed away from me. but knowing that i was finally strong enough to be in the same room as he without being affected was a huge relief.

my interaction with my parents over the course of the last week--at the hospital the day my grandmother passed, in several phone calls with my dad, at the viewing and at the funeral--were overall positive. i maintained some distance for my own emotional well-being (i had enough to deal with) but was able to hug them and cry with them. i believe they enjoyed interacting with my children. i am hopeful that things will eventually be able to change between us--but as of yet i am not holding my breath. i love my parents dearly but i need to hold on to my new found strength, to continue to stand up for myself and my well-being, to maintain emotional stability.

this journey from abuse to healing has taken me much of my life. i have an odd sense of pride in myself, of freedom. this is a very unusual feeling for me. self-loathing, anger and fear have been my constant companions for as long as i can remember. i still have a long way to go as far as my self-esteem is concerned, and as my communication with others goes, but i believe i am on my way. this blog has been a large part of my healing. the ability to share my feelings and thoughts, to connect to others who have been through what i have, to learn from and help other abuse victims has been empowering. i don't know if i will be posting here again. perhaps i will, but this chapter of my life is closing.

the image of the swallow is one that i drew. traditionally, sailors would have swallows tattooed on their bodies to represent their experience sailing--the number of miles they had traveled on the ocean. (one swallow for every 5,000 nautical miles.) it also represented hope for returning home, to safety, as birds are one of the first signs of land and a safe harbor. legend has it that if a sailor drowned at sea, the bird would alight upon his soul and carry it safely to heaven. swallows are also a symbol of freedom, loyalty and love.

this swallow is just that to me--a symbol of freedom, of hope, of a safe return. i am free from the chains of my abuse. i have hope for a better future. i have safely returned from the stormy waters of recovery. it is a symbol of healing, of love and support and loyalty from and for my family.

i wish all of you the same peace, recovery and happiness that i am beginning to find.

i stumbled across an expressive arts carnival today at mind parts. this activity is right up my alley...and i really wanted to participate in this carnival. each month, there will be a new creative activity. this is the first month--and the first activity is to create a wordle or other word cloud to captures the essence of a soothing activity.

for me this wasn't even a question. art. art is what brings me peace in expression. art is what allows me to release and express my thoughts and emotions when words fail. drawing, painting, even something as simple as using crayons in a coloring book brings me such childlike joy, such satisfaction. i would be lost inside my own head without my art.