My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder

I have this thing about sharing. Well, maybe it's not really about sharing so much as being able to decide what I share and what I don't. I guess it's not uncommon for victims of childhood abuse to feel this way.

I would give someone the shirt off my back if I thought it would help them. BUT I don't want anyone taking my shirt without asking. That comes down to control I guess and that's ok with me. While I'm not a controlling person as in needing to be in charge all the time, I do want people to respect my property and my space.

I am not really obsessive about wanting people to respect my space. I just want to know that it's a consideration and that I am not being taken for granted. Also it's one of those things that I am sure to honor in regards to the space and property of others.

However, I have this problem with my husband on this issue. He doesn't really regard my feelings when it comes to such things. Most of the time the things are small so not worth fussing about but sometimes he butts in where he is not wanted and he ruins something that's important to me. His lack of respect for my boundaries really infuriates me but doesn't seem to mean much to him.

I find myself tearing my hair out and he's standing there looking at me like I'm some kind of nut. That only makes me all the more angry. The sad part is nothing changes. He continues to be oblivious to what I need and does whatever he thinks should be fine. The end result is just more stress in a time where I'm already stressed to the max.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I wouldn't just be better off out there on my own than trying to live with someone who says he loves me but doesn't really work at participating in this marriage. The loneliness of the situation is bad enough without the intrusions into the things that make my life bearable.

It is a difficult place to be and it's really getting old. Then it's not the only thing getting old. That's probably what scares me the most. As I age I can't help but wonder if I haven't sold myself down the river. All of the healing I accomplished and I still didn't end up in a healthy relationship. It just doesn't make sense.

Sometimes I find myself looking back over my life and wondering how I managed to make it where I am today. Coming from a childhood of abuse, I knew how to be a victim. Obviously I wasn't aware that's how I was living but it was. Everything I did was colored by the perspective I'd learned in my family of origin.

I think the most important part of my recovery was learning to change that perspective. Learning to see the world through the light of truth instead of disguised by the fog of lies my family lived was liberating.

It started off slowly. Discovering that those feelings I got about the weird guy on the corner were probably normal and that they could be trusted. Finding out that "normal" was NOT what happened at our house. Tying up and gagging toddlers to teach them not to cry isn't OK. Enemas aren't huge amounts of fluid held until you feel like bursting. The list goes on as did my new awareness that what happened in my home on a regular basis was twisted........even evil.

The most important things I learned where about the games. I learned to spot them instead of getting sucked in by them. Probably the most important one of those games was the "blame game." It's always someone else's fault. If I was hurt, I must have done something to deserve it.

But there were other games as well. Playing helpless to such someone in to take care of her, that one my mother was an expert at. She could play the poor widow with six kids like a pro so people wouldn't look beyond the surface to see what really lay underneath. When I finally did confront her, she feel right into it. It was amazing to not get sucked in by her helplessness and stand my ground.

By that time I knew every possible card she might play. It was a good thing because she played them all. She blamed me, my kids, life, God, you name it. She claimed she did her best but I knew she was just quoting words she'd seen. What she really wanted was for me to stop so she didn't have to hurt. The only thing that mattered to her was protecting herself from pain. She had no concern at all for me or what I might be feeling. That realization set me free from worrying or wondering about our relationship anymore.

It was clear she had no idea what it meant to be a mother and she really hadn't ever wanted to be one. Me walking out of her life was no loss for her. As long as it would allow her to be free from facing the truth of what she'd done, it was good. The reality of our relationship was finally out in the open. It was difficult but at least it was finally the truth.

How do you define betrayal? Is is just another subjective thing that is different to all people? Or is it something more finite, measurable in one's behavior? Is it different for all of us? Or is it a constant? Do you know it when it happens to you? Or are you stuck wondering what it is that's happening? Is it different for family members? Or the same no matter whose the transgressions?

I find myself wondering all these things and more. If my daughter continues to do business and socialize with someone who has harmed me in any way, is that ok? Or is that a betrayal? Or does it really matter what the harm was? I'd like to know.

It seems to me that as long as she continues to do business and socialize with them knowing what they have done and what they continue to do, that she is taking sides. She claims she is not. How can she not be? Why would she not be might be the better question? Isn't it a question of loyalty? If she keeps that connection to them, isn't she being disloyal to me?

Does family mean nothing? Or maybe it is our family that means nothing to her? Maybe I mean nothing to her? That's how it feels anyway. I can't even define it. All I know is it feels wrong to me. Now what am I going to do about it? I guess that is the biggest question of all.

To say I've been consumed with the FB commenter I wrote about in
My Own Questions for a Change.......... would be a big overstatement but I have been thinking about it a lot. While it makes sense to me in the context of how it fits into my current dilemma, that's not the only reason it affects me.

I have known this commenter and her mother since the young woman was a teenager. They were among my first friends made at horse shows even though their mother/daughter relationship was stormy and abusive. Newly "graduated" from therapy I felt I had the skills to maintain proper boundaries while still having a relationship with these two people and I thought maybe I could help out the daughter in some way.

I guess in a way I did help the daughter in those early days. My arrival during a altercation between the two could cool things a little. Sometimes I even managed to mediate although I doubt either of them realized I was even attempting this. My help was subtle for sure. I didn't want to push anyone's buttons or make them feel defensive.

That relationship has maintained over twenty years. The young woman is in her thirties and now has children of her own. I might add she treats them in the same manner her mother treated her. It's been sad to see and I've even called her on it a few times. I'd hope our friendship over the years might affect this. It obviously didn't.

I tried to help her get started in horse training a few years back and it bit me.....and bit me good. Some horses of mine were mistreated. It was not good. I tried to speak with her about these things and she shrugged them off, copping out to having a meltdown on one situation and taking no responsibility for any of her actions.

Because her mother and I were friends,I thought I could put those things behind me and still maintain our friendly relationship. That, however, has not been the case although there was a pretense of friendship from them for a while.

I guess the point of all of this for me is I've come to the realization that the energy I'm putting into the FB communication has to do with grieving the loss of those relationships. Even though obviously they never really were what I thought them to be, getting to the point of understanding that has been part of this process as I mulled things over and over finding my way.

The time I spend "feeling" and thinking about this, is necessary to put this thing to rest. I am hurt by their betrayal and those feelings need to be resolved.

I'm not particularly fond of the processing involved. On one hand I think they're not worthy of my time. On the other I can't deny the hurt I feel and it tells me I'm not where I need to be yet. There's still work to do but I'm getting closer.

It doesn't help that it's wound up with the other situation. There are parallels in both and the two parties have joined forces to discredit me. I know in the long run the truth will win out but that doesn't change the amount of betrayal I feel at the hands of both, nor the damage they are currently doing to my reputation.

It wasn't just that this guy undermined my self esteem, he undermined my business as well. I made business decisions based on his contractual obligation to me that I would not have made otherwise. When he knowingly defaulted, it affected the success of those business plan decisions and goals. I'm just beginning to realize the damage caused by that breech of contract.

Then he's out there spreading his lies that I'm the one not honoring the contract. That young woman and her mother are taking every advantage to take pot shots at me under the guise of supporting this man while really trying to hide their own wrong doing.

I probably would be at the place I'm ready to put the young woman and her mother behind me, if she wasn't so enmeshed in the current situation. That's not going to be resolved any time soon and every time something "new" happens, the whole thing gets stirred up over again and I'm as angry with the whole slew of them.

I feel like I'm under attack no matter what I do and I'm getting tired. Even though I know I can't control what they do, it still frustrates me that my good intentions have gotten me into this mess and that some people will believe what they say despite my ethics.

It's that whole "life is not fair" thing. I have worked hard at being a good person in all avenues of my life and to have my reputation stomped on by those with little regard for anything but themselves really irks me. I know it doesn't matter that it's not fair. Life just is what it is........... but that makes me mad too.

There are so many levels of betrayal in this mess. It's not wonder I'm struggling my way through. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time to get myself through.

Someone recently wrote this comment that reflected my diagnosis. If you can seriously look at your self in the mirror and be okay with the one of many people looking back you then you have some serious issues. I posted the entire message on my private blog but I thought this attack against me by using my MPD or DID as a weapon needed to be addressed. I suspect there are those with a similar diagnosis who would be impacted dramatically by such an assault so I think it's important to examine what it's about.

As I read this statement for the first time I couldn't help but think what a cheap shot this was. Why would someone feel the need to do such a thing?

I also can't help but wonder can another person really feel better about themselves attacking someone like this? What is the purpose of such a statement? Does it really express her feelings or is it designed to make me look bad? Am I supposed to feel defective or somehow less than everyone else because of that reference?

It really makes me wonder.......... not about me, but about her.

I tend to treat others the way I would like to be treated although I do get stymied about how to respond to someone who has taken advantage of me or has been mean to me. Then I defer to not wanting to be an enabler. Holding people accountable for their behavior is the healthiest thing you can really do for them.

Obviously this person doesn't value the same things although masked in the rest of her writing it looked like she did. The use of that one sentence gave away her true character.

So I guess when I'm thinking about this statement and I'm trying to figure out what it means, I'm really trying to figure out what I'm supposed to "do" with it. How do I respond? Or do I respond?

It occurs to me that the statement represents people fighting dirty. Low blows are used to throw people off balance and give the other the upper hand. How do you deal with someone who fights dirty?

I find myself in the middle of a mess with my reputation being trashed and the information is based on untruths. This statement is part of that. I know you can't make people listen to the truth if they don't want to so what do I do with this kind of stuff?

*****************

If you're wondering if I am offended by that statement, you're darn right I am! However, it is not because I feel wounded. I am offended that anyone would think poking fun at something as serious as MPD or DID is appropriate.

Putting my current dilemma aside, the most offensive part of her message was that statement. The intolerance of society towards mental illness and its surrounding issues really strikes a cord with me. It's hard enough for victims to recover without society taking pot shots at them. It's just not acceptable.

It is in difficult times I find myself analyzing what I do. What gets me into the fixes I find myself in? What can I do to ensure I don't keep falling into the same pitfalls? Looking at these things I find myself facing an obvious conclusion, I have issues with trust and loyalty.

You would think with my childhood history of victimization that I wouldn't trust anyone. Yet, that is most definitely not the case. However, once I decide that I will trust a person, I probably tend to trust inappropriately. Instead of letting someone earn trust gradually, I dive in head first and expect that persons values will be like mine because of what I have heard and not necessarily what I see.

Once I have given that kind of trust, I don't give it up easily. Despite warning signs that tell me those values important to me are not really important to the trusted individual, I hang on with a loyalty that is undeserved and get myself burned in the process.

Such misappropriate granting of trust and application of undeserved loyalty are indeed victim behaviors. As much as I would like to say otherwise, I know that is the case. Any therapist worth his/her salt can tell you victims are known for granting trust in this manner and being loyal long after it is appropriate.

I like to believe that I am "healed" from my victimization as a child. I guess in many ways I am but clearly when it comes to these two issues, I have much to learn. Unfortunately, that learning seems to be coming the hard way.

I was recently accused of being different people by someone who I had said didn't know me. I guess the response was a way to justify not knowing me in the way in which I was referring. However, it did get me thinking about the conclusions others can draw just because they think they know what being a multiple means.

Funny, those of us who have the diagnosis would like to have such a clear picture of just exactly what that means. The problem is there really is no clear picture. All people diagnosed with MPD or DID are different. That makes having an exact notion of what the diagnosis means or how it presents itself next to impossible.

My answer to this person was that he had not seen different people. Pretty much no one has seen different people for many many years and that was only during the time of my therapy. I can be confident of that because it's pretty much how my system works. Presenting in a detectable way would have gotten me killed back in those days my system was developed so my system was created in such a way as to avoid detection while still protecting me from the abuse I endured.

The thing that struck me with the accusation that I was different people is that it was an easy way to blame me for the this person's behavior. It is one thing to tell a person over and over that you are a friend and another to prove it with one's actions. For me I believe that friendship can be measured by how someone acts when things get tough not what one does when things are smooth. It is easy to point the finger in blame, not so easy to take responsibility for oneself and one's actions to help find a resolution through the rocky times.

I wonder how many people diagnosed with MPD or DID take the blame for other's behavior because they feel guilt about being different. I suspect it is a high number. I hope maybe they can learn the only thing they must take responsibility for is what they do. What others think or feel because of our diagnosis is not our fault even though that finger of blame might be pointed our way.

Feeling guilty about being different is just another one of the traps laid to keep us stuck in victim behavior. I have long shed that old behavior and while I might have spent some time recently doubting myself, I will not be caught back in it. I will stand up for myself no matter how difficult it might get.

I don't know if I've posted about this or not before, if I have I guess I must need to go down this road again. The last year and a half have been kind of rough around here. I've lost some friends and I feel alienated from a lot of people in the horse community. I'm also having some issues with part of my family.

That may not seem like a big deal but it's affected my sense of well being. I find myself looking over my shoulder and wondering whose saying what about me. It's not a good place to be.

I've tried to look at this and figure out why this is happening. I've been involved in this industry for twenty or so years now and this kind of crab is new to that experience. Why is this all happening now? What has changed? Have I changed?

Well, I think I have changed since this stuff has started happening. That's for sure. But is it a change in me that caused it to happen. I don't think so.

The common thread in all of this is the "source" of this information that has changed how I see those people around me..............from my family members to business associates. These things I have not experienced first hand as much as I have been told about them. All of them have been negative perceptions of me by other people. For example, I've been told "they" call me the crazy lady from Graham.

There have been a couple of experiences that have been first hand but those things might just be explained as a reaction to what they might have been told I said. Just as I have reacted to what I was told. Does that make sense?? In other words, I'm beginning to think that maybe this source has been actively involved in stirring the pot so to speak.

Now I find myself wondering if this information is accurate and if I should really trust it. It has certainly turned my world upside down.

I can only guess why this source has put the effort into making sure I get this information he/she has to share. I hate to assume anything. But it's gotten to the place that I really am not sure that I should trust this source at all. It is possible that these things I have heard are not true or are an exaggeration. Either way, they have been a destructive force in my life. I need to figure out what to do. Who can I trust? And are my new found perceptions valid? What a mess!

I sure could use some help sorting this thing out....................

It's finally occurred to me I'm surviving by zoning out. If I'm not working with the horses, then I'm sitting here at the computer playing spider solitaire as the hours slip away. If my eyes get tired or I get distracted, I move onto the television set to continue my existence as a space cadet......lost in some unknown world that's easier than my life at the moment.

I have made the necessary decisions to "cut back" on my horses. I've even listed a couple of those horses on the appropriate sale sites. I've begun the process of getting my website updated. All in an attempt to get the ball rolling and bring my life back to a more manageable point.

The problem is I am mourning each and every step. Giving up on the dream as it is to scale it down to one that is more likely to be attained is just not sitting well within my system. I/we understand all the plausible reasons why this is necessary but accepting it is another issue. Transitions are difficult. That's all there is to it.

I suspect this heaviness will not subside until the "new plan" shows some sign of working. In the meantime zoning out seems to be my protection from the overwhelming feeling that my life is spinning out of control.

It's been a long time since I've been in a place where zoning out was a necessary survival skill. Frankly I was surprised that I still had it in my repertoire.............but here it is like an old friend getting me through.

I might be grateful if it wasn't for the fact that zoned out feeling is a constant reminder of some very difficult times in my life. If I allow myself to reflect on how I feel at all, I find myself being drawn back to places that can only lead to darker places.

I suppose it is tied in with old programming locked away in unhealed cubicles of my psyche. Since I chose not to integrate such recurrences are expected, I guess. I just need to remind myself this is "normal" for me under these circumstances and better days are coming.

In the meantime maybe accepting the zoning out instead of challenging it might be a better solution. I don't seem to get drawn to that hole if I just accept this place I am at as a part of this process of change.

I have trouble feeling loved. Even though I may be surrounded by people who care for me, I just can't feel it sometimes.

I know that I am responsible for my feelings and that my happiness does not depend upon others. Yet sometimes I just can't avoid going down into that dark pit of loneliness that beckons me.

I've been struggling with a crossroad for quite some time. Trying to figure out whether I settle for the status quo or take the plunge into the unknown seems to bring with it the calling of that abyss. Therefore I find myself teetering on the edge, torn between jumping off or fighting to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

For the longest time pursuing my dream has been the defining answer to this dilemma. Any time the road would get rough I could just latch on to that dream to keep myself from falling.

Life, however, has its own hand in all of this. Despite all my best efforts to keep my dream safe and alive, the current economic times have had their own effect. The dream is in jeopardy.

I am at the end of the road. I cannot maintain without help. The help I thought I had is not happening. I must either adapt the dream to something less than I really want........or I must totally give it up. There is no comfort with either option. Both feel like giving up to me.

I suppose this is the reason for the darkness right now. Being fractured into so many parts makes the resolution of such problems difficult. All the logic in the world will not comfort those parts who feel I'm letting myself down. There is little consolation for the wailing children who feel abandoned once more.

The transition through these changes to my dream will not happen over night. It will be a long process with no foreseeable end in sight. Whether or not the internal process takes as long, I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime I find myself struggling with that old problem of feeling unloved. It is trying to wine and dine me into complacency so it can swallow me up. The holidays have managed to add their own flavor to this mix. I'm hoping getting them behind me will bring some relief. In the meantime I am trying to take one step at a time.

I find myself examining the last year to see what has changed because there has been a change.........a change in me. I'm not going to say I was gloriously happy last year but the world seemed all right to me. Now, it feels like it's no longer a safe place. So how did it get that way? What has happened to change things.

Not that everything was great with my family before that because it wasn't. I was having problems with my daughter and granddaughter. Despite doing what I thought was protecting myself from them, I have continued to be increasingly hurt.

If I'm honest, I have to say there has been a catalyst in this change......a person in my life stirring the pot so to speak. Little pieces of information get dropped my way that are hurtful. Those little pieces have built up into a huge mountain. I feel like I've been discarded by my family.........pretty much all of my family. I don't know if that's real or not..........only that it's how I feel. So do I try to figure it out...........or do I run?

I seem to have trouble deciding when enough is enough. I can be unhappy in a situation but keep hanging in there for what seems forever and ever. Nothing changes so I go on being unhappy.

I understand that my happiness is up to me but I get caught up in all kinds of things. Depending on the relationships I can tell myself I need to be loyal or maybe my expectations shouldn't be quite so high. Whatever the reason, I convince myself to continue and the hole just seems to get deeper and deeper.

I can also get caught wondering if somehow it's really all about me. Maybe I don't connect with people because I am so flawed, so damaged by my past that I really will never connect. Maybe the longing I have for a connection is a void that will never be filled because I am too guarded to let anyone in.

Granted really don't let just anyone in. I know I am guarded but I do look for people I can trust. Sometimes I find them.......or I think I have only to let them in to have them hurt me or take advantage of me. This leaves me wondering why it always seems to end up this way.

Maybe I am into "All or Nothing" thinking It certainly feels right now like the whole world is untrustworthy even if I know that isn't really the case. Am I somehow playing into this old way of thinking even if it's not obvious? I guess I don't really know.

I chose to live my life believing "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." is a plausible possibility. Yet double standards seem to be more of the norm. I am beginning to wonder if there really are people out there looking out for anyone but themselves.

Maybe that leads me to thinking I really shouldn't put up with anything more. All I know is I am struggling with more than one relationship where I feel I'm getting less that what I bargained for. Trying to figure out where that line might be is exhausting me.

Do you have trouble deciding when enough is enough?

Yesterday was the memorial service for the four police officers killed here Thanksgiving weekend. I spent the afternoon watching the event on TV. I even wrote the post on my horse blog about it, a day for the fallen. Just couldn't get myself to write much of anything else.

Today, I had an appointment to get my haircut. My normal route took me right past the location this whole think happened. I wasn't prepared for my reaction as I drove by.

It really is an amazing sight. The entire corner of the property has been taken over by a memorial created by passers by leaving their remembrances. Television doesn't do the magnanimity of it justice. It limits it to a frame. In real life it seems to go on forever. As I rounded the corner it took over my entire view.

Even today there were still people there paying tribute to the fallen officers. People were crying and looking at all the things that have been left. Police officers are there too, standing over it...........guarding it. My heart was breaking.

To be honest, my heart still breaks. You'd think having lived through such evil in my childhood something like this wouldn't shake me. I know about evil in it's most vile form. Yet something about this crime and the one less than a month before it has a hold over me. If police officers cannot feel safe in this world...............how can I?

The other day I saw Dr Wayne Dyer on the Bonnie Hunt Show. While this man has written over thirty self-help books, I don't think I've read even one. Not because I don't like his message or anything like that. I guess maybe he began his climb to "self helf guru" fame as I was finishing through the process of remodeling myself. What ever the reason, I've missed him as an expert.

I'm not really sure why I watched him this time. Maybe because Bonnie Hunt began her show with a rather personal discussion about her own life. It's not the kind of fare I'm used to from a host on talk television and I guess that drew me in. Then I hung on to see what Dr Dyer had to say.

He talked about a number of things but the one that stuck out to me was the subject of forgiveness. I know forgiveness is a sore subject for many of survivors of childhood abuse and it's certainly not something that I know much about. I guess that's why the subject struck me the most.

Dr Dyer grew up in an alcoholic family. He said for the longest time he carried around a rage because of it that completely comsumed his life. Not until he let go of that rage, did he get free of the past.

I've been thinking about it since then and I'll probably be thinking about it for a while. My question is "How does one forgive?" Is it something that just happens? A place one works to? Just how does one let go and forgive?

I realized something during this questioning. It's not just that I don't forgive........I don't think I've ever been forgiven. Sure.....I've been forgiven for little trangressions like forgetting the milk or that Lindsay wanted blue instead of pink..........but for anything major. I'm not sure that I've ever been forgiven.

I know my oldest daughter has not forgiven me for what she thinks I did to her as a child. I suspect that my oldest son also has not forgiven me. And obviously I am estranged from my family of origin because they have not forgiven me for not being what they expected. So maybe I'm not good at forgiveness because it's one of life's skills that I've never learned.

I know how to be pissed off and mad at the world (figuritively speaking) because I've been hurt. But when that anger is enough and move on........not so much.

It was the strangest experience being gone for that long and by myself most of the time. I hate being alone and I was resigned to that. However, I just hadn't expected the internal reaction I got from being surrounded by people yet still very much alone.

With nearly two thousand horses at this show there were plenty of people around me. It was hard to go anywhere without bumping into folks. Yet with the focus as intense as it can be at a national horse show , they were pretty involved with doing their own thing. Even those people I knew were mere passing blips on the radar for some kind of human connection. The people I was stabled with were kind but not friendly. My only interactions with them were pretty much at my instigation and brief. It was a solitary and uncomfortable time.

Fortunately I had lots to do. With three horses to care for just the maintenance work could take most of the day. Add in schooling times and unexpected "issues" surrounding the horses and there really wasn't even much time to watch classes.

I had hoped to see more of the national championships. I love watching classes at horse show. However, even that activity is something more enjoyable shared with a friend. When I did get the opportunity I was painfully aware of the difference partaking in this activity by myself.

Cleaning stalls has always been a reflective time for me. I'm not sure in this particular situation that was a good thing. I spent many an hour keenly aware of my discomfort in a time that should have been gratifying. I found myself wondering if this dream as currently interpreted is what I really want after all.

Somewhere near the end of this experience it dawned on me the source of the agony I was experiencing. Even with people everywhere I was feeling invisible.

Being invisible can be a form of comfort to many who have experienced abuse. However, for me being invisible was a form of punishment. To be ignored in such a manner meant that I was unworthy to be alive......to breathe.........to love. These maybe old messages from a time long past but they still have a dark hold on me. That was clearly evidenced in the emotional roller coaster ride I took on this trip.