My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder

I'm at another one of those times in my life where I find myself spending a lot of time measuring what I'm doing by the standard of the Serenity Prayer. As long as I can put things into those categories of what I have control over and what I don't, I seem to be able to stop the feeling that things are spinning out of control. It's funny how that simple measure can put things back into perspective.

Still I find myself wondering about many around me. There seem to be so many playing games, trying to control those around them, and, of course, some of them are trying to control me. Yet most of those people would say they are not game players. Their lack of understanding of what is and isn't within their control permeates everything they do.

I learned early on that making decisions on how someone else might respond was about wanting to control the behavior of others. Since I now "get" the futility of such actions, it was easy for me to shun such activity. I find no point in spinning my wheels hoping someone will respond as I hope. It's much easier to make decisions based on what I believe is right than on how I expect someone else to act.

That doesn't mean that I don't care how others react to what I do. It just means that wanting them to react in a given manner is no longer my motivation. Staying true to myself is a much easier goal than controlling the actions of others and it takes a lot less energy.

I "get" that many around me are not motivated in the same manner as I am. I am prepared for their disapproval because I don't play by their rules. Still bumping up against that is wearing even if it doesn't stop me from continuing on in my pursuit.

I think at times like these the Serenity Prayer helps me as well. When I can identify others behavior as controlling, I am less apt to be affected by it. I understand the fruitlessness of their endeavors, even if they don't. The frustration or anger they may feel is really a result of their own game playing and not about my ethics at all.
Being able to identify it as such makes it easier for me to not get caught up in their trap......to not take their issues on. It gives me some distance from the emotional turmoil controlling behavior takes. There's serenity in that.

What is it about guilt that it is born by the not guilty and shunned by the guilty? It doesn't seem logical that victims willingly take on the guilt of the offenders and yet they do. After lots of therapy it's now obvious to me that offenders are more than willing to shove their guilt onto their victims. Offenders do not claim guilt in any fashion. If they do it's only a ruse to throw people off track, it is not truly born.

I certainly carried plenty of guilt in my lifetime. Buckling under it's weight I still pushed on trying to be "good enough" to make up for sins that weren't even mine in the first place. I remember how liberating it was when I realized that most guilt was not MINE to bear. I was really not 'bad" after all.

Still it's easy to feel guilt for reasons that are not logical or even accurate. I don't know if it's just because it's something I'm used to doing or some urge of all humans, or maybe I should say MOST humans, to assume guilt for anything that goes wrong or feels bad.
Clearly not all people are saddled with guilt. If they were, people couldn't do to one another what they do. The weight of guilt would prohibit such behavior.

It's those people who are unaffected by guilt that reek all kinds of havoc. Those people don't assume responsibility for their actions so they aren't saddled with the appropriate guilt. They always have some kind of excuse, some one else to blame. This enables some pretty bad behavior to be perputrated on others. Most times it is the victims of that behavior who will step right up to claim the guilt that should belong to the offender.

It is a trap forged in the darkness. Anyone who doubts the presence of evil needs to just look around to see this sinister plan. Guilt misused in this manner keeps good people down and bad people in control. The shame of guilt causes victims to quietly hide what they believe are their transgressions while the offenders go free to do further harm.

Keeping those secrets only aids in keeping victims bound by the chains of guilt they have assumed for the offender by beating victims down into an abyss of darkness, depression and self loathing. It's only by speaking out and exposing those secrets to the light of day, that guilt can be released from victims of its weight. While that guilt may not be transferred to the offender where it belongs at least the offender's behavior will be exposed so others might be warned of the dangers of the pathology of their behavior.

Once again we are down to darkness and light. So many things in life are healed by light. The winter blues melt in the sunlight taking the darkness of depression away. This dark plot to keep people victims lifts when secrets are exposed to the light of truth. The evil that keeps victims trapped cannot withstand the truth that wrongdoers shed their guilt at the expense of their victims. Victims who are taught to recognize this behavior can be finally liberated by its truth.

So why is it that we victims do not ourselves see this plot in the making? Why do we so willing step up and take responsiblity for things that are not ours to claim? Why can't we see that those claiming to be guiltless are USUALLY the most guilty of all?

Yesterday I saw a brief snippet of a tv show with a relatively young woman stating she was a "the glass is half empty" kind of person. The woman further stated she just couldn't help it. That was just her and there was nothing she could do about it.

I remember thinking as I heard those words how stuck this woman was. I know from personal experience it is the perspective that keeps us stuck. We are only stuck because we chose to be. If we decide we want to find a way out, we indeed can.

I know this because I used to be a "the glass is half empty" kind of person. Back before therapy I couldn't see the other side of that either. Life was tough and it felt to me like it was always trying to beat me down. For the life of me I couldn't see there was another side to it. I believed just like this woman and I was stuck because of it.

I probably would have been really pissed off had someone tried to tell me I could be a " half full" kind of person only if I tried. I remember vividly believing there were no other choices for me.

It was only after intensive work that I was able to see there really was another side to this coin. Ever since that discovery there has been no looking back for me. I will never again saddle myself with the burden of "no choice" knowing how destructive that belief can be.

If I had to pick one thing in my process that was the most important to me, it would probably be learning I ALWAYS have a choice. I may not like the choices available to me and maybe not even one of them is what someone would consider a "good" choice, but being able to see that I have choices in any and all circumstances has liberated me. It has taken me from the negative world of the half empty glass to the positive one of the half full one because it IS a choice to see the glass as half empty or half full.

It used to be that the memories of my ritual abuse were really memories of my therapy process. Although I relived a lot of those memories in the recovery process, they didn't feel like they belonged to me. My only "real" memories were of the relived experience not the original one.

That distance from the memories was a form of denial I suppose. If not denial, then, at the very list a coping mechanism to keep me from being overwhelmed by the sheer horror of them. I knew my diagnosis explained that distance but knowing and feeling are so different sometimes. There always seemed to be a questioning.

That distance did indeed come up over and over in my mind as a valid argument that these things really could not be true. It was easy to say they were just a figment of my imagination when they were "different" from my "real" memories.

It was only those "coincidences" I encountered as I bumped into others, outside myself, with similar stories and even the same locations that pulled me back to believing it was "real" even if it didn't feel that way. It was hard to argue those things were figments of their imaginations as well when their experiences matched mine as they did.

Yet that distance has remained thumbing its nose at me. A constant reminder of something so unreal it couldn't be processed like "normal" things. The tug of war to believe and not to believe a constant companion as I have made my way through my recovery.

Even when I quit therapy that tug of war has continued over the years.. The only difference has been in how long the struggle would go on. It actually got the the point I could catch myself in mid thought and push the self doubts out of my mind.

That was until the most recent events that had me doubting most everything I did. With the return of depression, the belief the memories are not real seemed to gain strength until I got out "that box" and looked at all of the raw emotion there.

I was sure that part was real. Somehow those deep dark feelings associated with that box make sense of me. They, and the memories that generated them, have taken the complicated maze that is me and made it understandable.

When I accept those memories and feelings as real, I have the tools to keep me centered. From the time I began building that box full of horrors, I knew the path of self discovery I was on would be liberating. I just didn't know what I needed to be liberated from.....

Had I known, I doubt I would have changed anything. I have always been inclined to do the difficult when others would not. That message "You don't want to go there" is like an invitation to me. I have always been a truth seeker.

Yet I have continued to struggle with the truth. The distance of the memories rattling around in my head has been such a source of fuel for questioning myself. I've been going around in circles with the circles getting smaller and smaller but still going nowhere that I could see.

Sometime during my trip to Tulsa, I experienced a memory of that time that felt like it was mine. At first I didn't recognize the change. It was only after the fact I caught myself wondering about the difference.

Since then I have had more memories....... sometimes just little snippets of them. They are so powerful and so raw brief glimpses are all I can handle, or maybe all I chose to handle. ....... but they are MY memories.

With this development I find those episodes of self doubt are fading. ...... and not just about the memories........ but about myself as well.

Note: Just a reminder that I have a private blog for more sensitive information. Anyone interested in an invitation to that blog please email me through my profile link.

It is in difficult times I find myself analyzing what I do. What gets me into the fixes I find myself in? What can I do to ensure I don't keep falling into the same pitfalls? Looking at these things I find myself facing an obvious conclusion, I have issues with trust and loyalty.

You would think with my childhood history of victimization that I wouldn't trust anyone. Yet, that is most definitely not the case. However, once I decide that I will trust a person, I probably tend to trust inappropriately. Instead of letting someone earn trust gradually, I dive in head first and expect that persons values will be like mine because of what I have heard and not necessarily what I see.

Once I have given that kind of trust, I don't give it up easily. Despite warning signs that tell me those values important to me are not really important to the trusted individual, I hang on with a loyalty that is undeserved and get myself burned in the process.

Such misappropriate granting of trust and application of undeserved loyalty are indeed victim behaviors. As much as I would like to say otherwise, I know that is the case. Any therapist worth his/her salt can tell you victims are known for granting trust in this manner and being loyal long after it is appropriate.

I like to believe that I am "healed" from my victimization as a child. I guess in many ways I am but clearly when it comes to these two issues, I have much to learn. Unfortunately, that learning seems to be coming the hard way.

I was on a friend's blog today and she'd asked about goals or resolutions for 2010. I know it's nearly February but it occurred to me there was a goal that would be helpful for me. That would be listening to that inner voice of mine.

That voice seems to keep me out of trouble when I pay attention. When I don't I can end up in trouble clear up to my neck, sometimes even farther. Yet, it's not uncommon for me to tune that voice out particularly when it's telling me about people. Why is that?

For me I think I get caught in wanting to be fair. Fair seems to dictate a lot of things I do. Yet I've found that wanting to be fair seems to set me up to be exploited by others who don't have similar intentions. That inner voice has recognized who those people might be on first impressions. in the interest of "fairness" I have ignored the warnings, built relationships and gotten myself in some not so good situations. I need to fix this.

Trusting that inner voice seems to be more difficult than trusting people who don't deserve to be trusted. I'm not sure why that is. I just know that it is. I assume it is part of human nature. If not that, then some hanger on from old victim behavior. Either way, I would like to be able to put more trust in my inner voice and less in those that it warns me about. Easier said than done.

It's not that I don't hear that voice loud and clear because I do. I just don't heed the warning. When all is said I done, I clearly remember the warning I received in the first place. Yet time after time I disregard that warning and end up realizing I set myself up yet again. I'd like to stop repeating this behavior and move on to healthier things.

What about you? Do you trust your inner voice? Or do you disregard it like me only to find yourself in a mess?

As I said in I Found It! some of my journal entries are very dark.......maybe most of them are. Dark not necessarily meaning the content of the memories, but rather the emotions they evoked. I had wondered about posting anything so black but I have come to a decision about that.

It would be presumptuous of me to think I am the only person who has ever felt such overwhelming emotion. Actually, even more than presumptuous, I think it would indicate some kind of grandiose thinking on my part. I have long since given up anything like that. I know others struggle with the same intensity that I did and that is at the root of my decision.

I understand when a person is in the throws of dark depression, the feelings are so isolating that the isolation itself can be crippling, let alone the depression. That thought motivates me to share those dark times so maybe others will recognize their dark hole isn't as unique as they think. Just understanding someone else has been in that place and come back out can be a life line. I know that from personal experience.

So I am going to post some of those dark brooding journal entries in the hopes they will be helpful to someone, somewhere. If not in the realization that they are not alone, then maybe in the process that freed me.

I did put myself through a trial trying to come up with answers.........forever answers. Heck, I'm still always seeking answers but it's interesting to me to look back at that dark place and see how I challenged it. And while I can sense in some way that old heaviness, it no longer has me by the throat. The feelings are only those of a bad memory.

I'm also hoping that just maybe someone caught in such a place might see that it really is possible to get free. Depression does not have to be a way of life..........no matter how dark or how black, it can be overcome. Of that I am living proof.

When I posted Being Real....What Does That Mean? I felt like I had more to say on the subject but it just didn't seem to come. So I decided to post what I had written all except for one paragraph that just wasn't fitting for me figuring if I thought about it long enough the rest would come............and as Linda Ellerbee used to say, "And so it goes....."

For me being real means saying what I believe, treating people in a manner I think appropriate and striving to do better each day. Sometimes I do ask others for their perspective but only as a sounding board to find my way to what is right morally, ethically and for me.

While difficult in the beginning I have found staying true to myself has become much easier to maintain than the old ways of trying to achieve happiness by keeping others happy . It really is amazing how much energy gets used up trying to create happiness for others instead of doing the same for oneself. As difficult as it was trying to figure out who I was and what I needed, it really was easier than trying to meet the needs of others.

I've found that this method of being real has developed much stronger and healthier bonds in my relationships. Those around me know they can count on me to be honest, even when it's tough. They in turn feel more comfortable being honest with me. The relationships grow based on mutual trust. They also become relationships worth fighting for.

While people might get mad at me sometimes because of my honesty, it still usually works out better in the long run. I found a long time ago that that short term fix rarely works. The one geared towards how things will work out in the end is much more efficient and rewarding.

The other thing important about being real is it gives people the opportunity to do things differently. Folks can't fix their annoying or hurtful behavior if they don't even know there's a problem in the first place. They can't apologize for something that's hurt you if they don't know you were hurt.

Granted many of our original friends and family may not function well under or even appreciate these "new" rules. My feeling about this has been if the relationship was important, finding a way to make it better would be important too. For me that was a measure of whether a relationship was worth holding onto or not. If what was important to those people was maintaining the status quo whether it hurt me or not, then I had a pretty clear answer of my importance to them.

For me the measure of a friend is based on what that friend stands for under duress. Anyone can do the easy thing. It is the difficult thing that shows the true character of a person.

Being real definitely separated the wheat from the chafe in the relationship department. My siblings, step father and mother pretty much were all chafe. A couple of unexpected friends turned out to be wheat and since that time I've found others to add to the classification of wheat.

I don't miss those people I left behind. I miss what I never had in the first place. There is a distinctive difference between the two. Being able to understand this has been healing.

I don't get tempted to "return" to that family of origin because there is really no family there. I can work on building what I need in a support system to make up for the family I never had. My inner child (actually children in my case) feels nurtured for the first time in her life because she is protected from the harm of that dysfunctional family. In turn she feels safe enough to be real in all the ways that count....... meaning she now feels free to be herself.

I don't really know why this particular topic jumped into my head. But it's been dogging me for a while so I decided I might just as well spit it out and see where it takes me.

I guess it's open for debate exactly what "being real" means. When I hear someone say, "Get real!" they seem to be talking more about someone thinking along the same lines as them instead of really wanting what is "real." The word is definitely abused a lot.

I guess that means that "real" is another of those subjective things. Each person will have her/his own perception of what the word means. Along with that will go what it means to be real.

To me I think being real it is about being true to ourselves. When we do things because others think we should, we are really putting on a face and stuffing down our feelings, trying to manipulate a situation for peace at the expense of our own needs.

While that might be "real life" for lots of people, it's not productive nor is it real. Such behavior leads to unhappiness and even to depression. When we continually put the needs of others above our own, we end up feeling anything but healthy or happy.

While living like that is a reality for many people, I know from personal experience it doesn't solve anything. Because we cannot control the feelings of others, even doing what they want will not make them happy nor keep us safe from their anger. In the long run that means we will not be happy either. It is a game in which there are no real winners.

I believe when we can be true to ourselves, we not only can discover true happiness but we will find ourselves with people who do the same. Which in turn makes it much easier to stay on course. It's definitely easier to be real with people who appreciate it, than around those who don't.

It's been my experience when I learned to be "real' that my family retreated from me quite quickly. Sure it was painful during that process and I worried I might be doing the wrong thing. But in the long run I am much happier for it. I have my own "hand picked" group of friends who are more like family than my family could ever be. Being real has made a huge difference in my life.

Just for the record I'm not condoning being selfish. Being true to oneself does not mean tromping on the feelings of others. But it's important to remember that we are NOT responsible for the feelings of others either. What we are responsible for is what we do.

If we are listening to that inner voice that guides us through life's maze and making decisions appropriate for us and someones feelings get hurt in the process, we are not responsible for what that person feels. She/he is the only one who can resolve the issues that may have caused her/his reaction, not us. There negative reaction does NOT make our behavior wrong or inappropriate.

Being able to keep this straight and not take on the feelings of others is an important part of finding our way to true mental health. We cannot affix more importance to the feelings of others than we do our own, or we will never be real. We will instead be what those around us believe we should be. I'm pretty sure that most understand that "should" really gets in the way and makes us very unhappy.

We humans are a silly lot. We think we can control way more things than we really can. Then we hold it against ourselves or others when it doesn't work out. We want better for ourselves and family but may not be able to figure out how to accomplish that.

We do what we know. We are a direct product of our history learning from the things we are exposed to over our lifetime. Especially as children, we soak up the examples of our parents and other significant figures around us whether we like their behaviors or not.

Even though we may not like the way we were raised and have vowed not to be like that, there are aspects of that behavior we cling to because they are comfortable. We don't really understand how the things we have embraced feed into the ones we want to reject.

Then when stressed we do what we have learned even though it may not be what is best for us or the situation. It may or may not be as abusive as we remember but it will be destructive none the less. Then we wonder why in the heck that happened.

It's simple really. As I said before, we know what we know. We are limited to that. We can only do what we know how to do. If we want to do differently we must "learn" different skills.

Just believing that "It'll Never Happen to Me" does not work. That's why Claudia Black wrote that darn book trying to guide us towards "learning" new skills and away from old destructive ones. First we need to recognize what those games are all about. Then we have to find new ways to replace them and practice, practice, practice so when stressful times come we have something to rely on.

If we want to shed the old family dynamics we must get rid of ALL of those old family rules. We cannot hang onto the one's we think work for us. We must establish new boundaries and enforce them even though it feels hard, awkward and uncomfortable and that destructive family fights us tooth and nail.

It is not an easy journey. That is why they call it The Road Less Travelled (by Robert Peck) It is a painful journey with lots of winding bumpy roads and more than it's share of tears. But the only way to truly break through and live the life we dream of is to travel this road each painful step.

Dealing with the upset family members who claim we are responsible for their feelings is a part of this test. It can not be accomplished without sticking to the plan and standing up for ourselves. Believing it is just easier to go the course we know leaves us stuck in the pain we claim we wish to leave.

Sure, we're going to falter along the way and take steps backwards. We'll acquiesce when we don't want to because we didn't have the strength at the time. That is all a part of the journey. We must accept that and not defame ourselves because of perceived weakness. It is about honoring ourselves and believing no matter how bumpy the journey.

I'm working on my post to answer the question on JIP's blog. It's a post that's going to take some "heavy" thinking on my part. So I thought in the meantime I'd post something that I've been meaning to post for quite a while.

Early on in my therapy I stumbled across the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). You might wonder what ACOA has to do with me but I clearly remember thinking the first time I read those characteristics it felt like someone had been following me around, watching my every move and making a list. That's how familiar those things were to me.

I found myself wanting to know more about this phenomenon so I began attending meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics. They were free ( although a collection was taken to pay for coffee etc) and I found it to be a supportive group of people. Many of them had the same kinds of problems with relationships and stuff that I had. It was another form of support for me.

Then when my "other" memories began to emerge, I found myself with people who were there for me. Instead of thinking I was lying and telling tall tales, they believed every word. Their added support was very helpful in getting past my own denial as well as some of the programmed messages I had.

I don't know if other victims or survivors of abuse have utilized this available resource. It is certainly there and available. It's really amazing what that extra support can do to help work through important issues.
There were countless times I had "revelations" of family issues just sitting there listening to others talk. Identifying the problem in the first place is such a huge part of getting free, these occurrences always seemed to help me along in my process.

I must point out, however, there will always be those doing therapy or twelve step programs who are working the system instead of healing. It is important to be able to recognize those folks and not get drawn into their web. That kind of support will only keep one stuck.

I think one of the ways to identify such people is they always seem to be complaining about the same thing. Over and over, the details might be different but the underlying theme is the same........they are victims and it's not their fault. I always stayed clear of those people. Their opinions were not helpful and they always seemed to make me feel worse.

So now that I've shared a bit of my thoughts and history about ACOA in my healing process, I'm going to post those characteristics. I might add the wording in these is slightly different than the way I saw them those 20 years ago (My original copy is stuffed in that box I am still trying to unbury.) but the idea is still the same. So here goes..........



Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics


1. Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.

2. Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.

3. Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.

4. Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.

5. Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.

6. An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.

7. Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.

8. An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.

9. A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.

10. Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.

11. Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.

12. Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.

13. Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.

14. Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.

15. A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.

As a kid I always got the impression that I wasn't worth much. I guess to be truthful I got the impression that I wasn't worth anything. Even without the satanic cult stuff, my home like was not good. My mother was into appearances and did a good job of hiding the craziness in our house but still managed to convince us kids that we were unwanted and a pain.

There were funny things about my mother that were actually almost normal I think. Or at least I thought they were. With six kids to raise we all got the message that money was tight and it was our fault. At the same time when shopping for clothes my mother always had to have the very best. Her line was something like "You get what you pay for. If it's not good quality it will cost you in the end." That kind of stuff. So even for us she always bought good quality but it had to be practical and really last. She didn't want to have to spend anymore money on us than necessary.

That message of "practical" has stayed with me long past any of her other old messages. After therapy I pretty much threw out all of the old family rules except that one. "Practical" has carried me through a lot. It hasn't really hurt me but then it hasn't really allowed me to "bloom" either......if you know what I mean.

Dressing practically means buying things that will "work" many ways in a wardrobe. For me that has always translated not just to style but to color as well. Black has been a staple of my wardrobe and color..........not so much. Not that I don't love color but that I haven't used it in my wardrobe.....well at least on anything expensive. It's one thing to buy a brightly colored tee shirt another to buy a brightly colored coat.

To be honest, I am very comfortable in black. It is a color that looks good on me. When I'm not wearing jeans, you can bet I'll probably be sporting black slacks and some kind of sweater or a blouse. Occasionally I buy blouses or sweaters that are colorful......but not often. I usually stick to the practical gray, white or black..........get the picture.

So why am I posting about this right now? Well, to be honest again, it has been ok but not great. I love RED and while I've allowed myself that red blouse along the way, I've walked by lots of red items in my lifetime that I would have loved to own but didn't because they were NOT practical. I've bought whatever was more practical. Then I've always longed for the red one whenever I've looked at or worn the item. It's always been there telling me I really wasn't true to me.........

Well, you'll never believe what I did before Christmas. I saw a beautiful red wool coat when I was shopping for "something comfortable" to wear to my surgery (per instructions on my instruction sheet). I don't own a nice coat to wear when going out wearing slacks or jeans.......just my barn style coats. This coat was perfect for me.

I indulged myself by just trying the coat on.............despite Dave's protestations. It fit perfectly.......but it was expensive. Still I went to find Dave telling him this coat was something I'd like to have maybe for Christmas. I told him I'd love it in red but wimped out and said it would be more practical to have it in black. I also told him it was toooo expensive but maybe with the economy like it was it would go down in price enough I could have one.

For Christmas I received that RED coat! My husband had gone back the very next day to find them on sale for half price. All of the dozen red coats were gone except 2...........1 of them was my size. Despite urges to take the coat back because it was not practical (something I have done many times before), I kept that coat. I actually wore it yesterday for the first time.

I can't even explain how good it felt to put on that RED coat and know I deserved it whether it was practical or not. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I love that coat! And I feel good in it!

I never would have gotten this much enjoyment out of a black one. I would have always looked at it like all the other black things I'd bought to be practical instead of red and wished for the RED one. I only wish it hadn't taken me this long to figure out that practical isn't always a good thing.

No one likes to "eat crow." That was my step-father's term for having to 'fess up and admit that you were wrong. It seemed to be reserved for those situations where we had an an opinion about something and then we turned out to be wrong.

Not that it ever happened much with the adults in my family. They were ALWAYS right......just being an adult guaranteed the expectation that they were not to be questioned because they were infallible.

Eating crow had more to do with us kids and belittling us. I guess it was a good way to keep us afraid to go out on that limb and have an opinion other than theirs. Rubbing our faces in our mistakes, making us feel stupid, vulnerable and God only knows what else was so humiliating it killed any desire we had to think for ourselves or express it if we did.

Just like the power struggles in our family made being "right" and "wrong" so important. The fear of being laughed at and ridiculed made it impossible to learn how to deal with making a mistake and taking responsibility for ourselves in any manner. It seemed like just another way of being hurt. There was no value in being responsible, or so we were taught.

Over the years I've learned it's actually very freeing to take responsibility from my mistakes. It's turned out my old expectations of how people will respond does not match what actually happens. Instead of being ridiculed for being "stupid" people seem to appreciate the honesty it takes to "fess up.

Who knew all those years ago this would be the case. While it wouldn't have changed any interactions with my family because I couldn't afford the abuse it would reap, it sure would have made life outside the family much easier. Who knows, maybe I would have learned how to make friends and be accepted.

What brings this subject up today, well, in a figuratively way I guess I'm eating crow on the other blog. I have been "caught" making some assumptions that have turned out not to be true. So far they are little things but with the importance of the subject matter, I have decided to step back, and give the other side a chance to answer some questions before I proceed. I don't want to be eating anymore crow over this issue.

Kahless, if you are wondering if it is safe to read my latest post on the horse blog so you can see how I went about 'fessing up, A Different Sort of Rescue Story - Thoughts it is. The picture I used is one of the horses this series is about pretty much healthy again. I don't talk about specific abuse only what my motives are and what I am trying to achieve.

Interestingly enough, the comments I have posted are supportive of my decision to look for the other side of this issue. There are a couple of comments I haven't posted, not because they are not supportive of me (because they are) but because the way they have been expressed is mean towards the professional horse rescue involved. As much as I believe that people are entitled to their opinions, I think they need to express them appropriately.........but that's probably a whole other post.

Having a Sense of Power Is All About........

*Believing that we can do what we set out to do

*Feeling that we can handle, one way or another, what is put before us to do

*Knowing that we can get what we need in order to do what we must

*Feeling that we are in charge of our own life

*Feeling comfortable when we have a responsibility to fulfill

*Knowing that others can't make us do anything we really don't want to do

*Feeling we can make decisions and solve most problems we might have

*Knowing that in spite of pressure or stress, we are not going to lose control of ourselves easily

*Being able to use the skills we have in situations which require those skills


The competitive spirit is a fundamental requirement for great accomplishment. The competitive spirit in children should not be thwarted, but rather, refined through actions, and tempered by a social conscience. The need to win is strongest in those who continually fell the imminence of failure. The highest form of the competitive spirit is the motive to challenge oneself.

After talking on the phone with JIP, I promised I would fess up.....come clean............about my surgery. Not because I think you all want to know about my bum but because there really was a lesson in this whole thing.

So to start off I should mention that the procedure I had done was for hemorrhoids. And before you begin wondering how I might get a surgery done for hemorrhoids when I can't get myself back to the doctor about a breast exam, let me just say this problem with hemorrhoids has been going on for a much longer period of time than the lump issue.

I think I have been tolerating this condition for about 5 years because the first time I asked my doctor about them his response was to say that "they weren't that big" implying that I was some kind of a wimp for complaining in the first place. I allowed myself to be "shamed" into doing nothing about it despite all the pain I've been in but finally got the courage to confront the doctor about the hemorrhoids when I went back in to talk to him about the screwed up status of my ultrasound. I guess while I had the courage I was going to get everything solved at once.

I came with that appointment with referrals for this surgery, a re-do on the ultra sound and an appointment with a pulmonologist as well as a list of prescriptions (Including one for that darn EpiPen) to get me back on track.
The reason the surgery was taken care of first was because of the timing in relationship to my horse business..............yes, you should have known. What other motivation would have have? Well, besides the fact these things have been so painful they have been keeping me up at least 3 nights a week for a very, very long time.

The point of this post really was to admit that I'd allowed the doctor to intimidate me into believing I didn't need help when I really did. Maybe because I am uncomfortable with doctors in the first place, it didn't take much for me to back down.

The fact is the reason I am having problems recovering from this surgery is because my problem was so extensive. The surgeon's exact words, "There is extensive tissue to be removed." Those 5 years I didn't get help made this situation a whole lot more difficult than it needed to be and I'm paying for it now. I wish that doctor of mine could feel what it's like to sit on my b*tt right now. Maybe he'd get an accurate lesson about hemorrhoids. Unfortunately the only one paying for this is me. I hope I never sell myself short like that again. It's just sooooooooooo not worth it.

Of course, I repeated that behavior over and over. One little thing here and another there seemed so harmless that controlling behavior was like a drug. It kept me believing I had power over my life in ways I had no power at all. It was it's own little addiction........just as deadly as alcoholism or drug abuse.

It did the same terrible damage to my inner child........beating her up beyond recognition, making her the least important person in my life when it came to feelings. Such a price I put on her for the "happiness" of others. How could I have expected it to work out any differently.

Equally disturbing is the fact none of it ever made any of those others happy either. It was all just an illusion.........an illusion that kept me trapped in a cage of my own making.

Yet it's hard not to get caught in that trap again. It's just so much easier to think that withholding information or camouflaging it will be useful. Yet in the end, when all is said and done, those relationships aren't healthy and they can only cause problems. That's the only real truth I have found in all of this.

Where does that lead me? Well, I pretty much say what I think. Sure I censor some things...........I have parts of me that are terrible potty mouths..........and others that are really hot heads........so thinking things over and deciding the best way to say something so that all of my parts are represented instead of just the angry ones is important to me.

I know that some of you are probably groaning at this information........
thinking what a mess your life would be if you just spoke the truth. But let me say that first off, every thing needs a little balance.

There are those things that are just better left unsaid BUT what's important isn't about the words but what is behind them. For example calling my husband an SOB is not the point, it's about getting across what is hurtful to me. Finding the message that needs to be communicated is key to finding peace while telling one's truth.

Has my life changed because of this change in thought and behavior? You bet it has. Sure sometimes it's still been difficult but sometimes it has been more rewarding than anything I have ever known before. The pluses have definitely outweighed the minuses.

There is no honor among manipulators,thieves or liars so why would I expect those people to honor me. What I've found is that the people who are comfortable with this new me are much better friends than those who liked the old withholding me. I'm much happier surrounded by people who appreciate honesty than those who prefer the opposite.

In my post Generational Satanism a comment mentioned dabbling. Immediately I flinched a bit because I know that only we humans would be so presumptuous as to believe that what we're doing just isn't that bad or much so it could be called "dabbling." Our rationalizations to make us less accountable for our behavior, however, can be our down fall.

You see the devil only sees black and white. Either you are or you aren't. You can bet the evil one sees any human "dabbling" as fair game. It doesn't take a degree of participation to open the door.........only participation.

That poor soul who thinks she/he is safe from an all out pursuit by the devil and his followers because they're only just playing a bit is only fooling herself/himself. If the darkness doesn't swallow her/him up it's only because there were better things to do at the time......or it served their purposes somehow. It's not because that person had control........that was given up the moment the "dabbling" began.

You just can't fool God or the devil. Each knows when we stumble. When that stumble is across that forbidden line the transgression allows the darkness to reek havoc, you better bet you can be a target.

I remember the nuns warnings about Ouija boards, fortune tellers and tarot cards to name a few. I also remember that deep recognition somewhere within my system..... that understanding of the price one can pay for experimenting.

Channeling other entities or even honoring those doing the channeling all count. I know people who think all of those things are innocent. Me................it's not a price I want to pay. I've seen too much...........I know too much. I've had that battle for my soul and I don't want to have it again.

I hope and pray that my children and their children will take me seriously. For they will pay the price if they don't. The devil would love nothing more than to reclaim any portion of my family...........a way to haunt me.........a way to laugh at God. There is no such thing as dabbling when your immortal soul is the price to be paid.

I was asked recently if it was possible that my memory of certain events were really memories planted by the cult and not really things that happened to me. At the time I only addressed those particular memories....which were real by the way, because the person asking had particular interest (if not hope) in wanting them to be something other than they are.

While I can certainly understand wanting this crap not to be what it is, the only way to heal or help someone else heal from this stuff is with the truth. That means wading through all of this and figuring out what is and isn't the truth.

It would be easier to go through this with black and white thinking. Meaning it either all is the truth or it all isn't. However, when dealing with the cult that just isn't the case. They work very hard to convince their victims that things are real that really are not.

Why you ask? That confusion works to their benefit. It helps keep people stuck. It has a way of overwhelming that somehow smothers out the hope.

The difficult thing, of course, is figuring out what is and what isn't real. While most will hope that the most horrifying memories are not real, that probably isn't the case. The illusions the cult creates are more sinister than that. It's hard to explain exactly so I'm going to tell the way I know best. That's with my own personal story.

As I posted in Generational Satanism I have memories of my mother, a brother and my grandfather involved with the cult. (Lots of memories I might add.) Actually I am indifferent to their involvement. For me it just answers lots of questions I had about those people in the first place.

However, I also have what I am pretty sure are fake memories of other family members as well. These memories are limited and odd. They just feel wrong to me. The memories don't fit with who I remember those people to be.

Now that might sound strange. If everyone in my family who was involved were multiple, there could/would be many, many faces of those people. However, the ones I am sure about could never fully hide behind their masks the ugliness that was inside.

These others, particularly my fraternal grandfather, the whole picture doesn't fit. Something about it just screams at me that this was a trap designed to conquer me. I know from what I was taught, that this kind of programming is very very common.

The details can be changed to suit the "needs" of each individual. You see its important to crush all hope, all belief in human nature, all love to turn someone over to the devil. Each of us has our own window to what is good and what is bad in the world. The cult programmers are experts in locating and turning the lights out in the good window.

For me, that light would have been held in the arms of that grandfather. To make him one of the bad guys would mean that there was no hope in this world. I thoroughly rejected that programming. That may be one of the keys to how as a child of 7, I was able to stand up to them.

I write this so that survivors and those who work with them might understand there can be falsehoods. But they probably are not where you would hope or expect. They will be in subtle things that have big meaning only to the individual who is programmed. AND those things probably won't look big to that survivor at the time or even in the first remembering. It is only in the restoration of the puzzle that the true meaning can be seen.

I know that this particular commandment gives lots of victims of abuse pause for doubt and lots of confusion. How do you "honor" someone who has abused you or stood silently by and let it happen? Learning to break free of victimization is tough enough without trying to find resolution with this commandment. I'm sure many get stuck wondering what's right.

For me there was never any question. I guess maybe it's my relationship with God and the Church are two different things. I learned long ago that man in the form of "church" can say and do lots of things that don't make sense. The way many chose to interpret this commandment just happens to be another of those things.

As mentioned in this analysis of the Ten Commandments, the order to honor one's father and mother is not an absolute granted by an unthinking God to enslave children to their abusers. On the contrary, God would never have intended for His law to be perverted the way it has been by some sadistic parents who manipulate it to browbeat children into submission. I doubt that God would ever expect a child to honor parents who don't and didn't honor their children.

I like the Hebrew definition of "honor" which means "heavy." It seems to make much more sense than the "honor" that most parents demand. And it makes sense to me that the Hebrew definition would be the correct one since that's where these commandments came from in the first place.

So what does "heavy" mean in this context? It means to weigh heavily. To give things that extra thought and consideration while deciding what is best. It doesn't mean blanket permission for parents to demand respect when it hasn't been earned. It means to weigh their request against what is real and see if it fits. If it does..........good. If not, then it's ok to walk away. It's as simple as that.

I haven't seen a survivor yet who has just walked away from a family member or parent easily. Or one who has ignored an unreasonable request who didn't first sweat blood and tears making the determination. We already carry the grave burden of "it's family" or "my parent." Deciding to go against their wishes to take better care of ourselves is a heavy, heavy burden that we take seriously.

I think that is all that God asks. That we weigh it fairly and then do what is best for ourselves and our mental health. God doesn't want us to be slaves to parental responsibility to parents who have not lived up to the role a parent is supposed to be in the first place. He wants us to find our own way in this world to true happiness and spirituality. If that means leaving behind sick family rules and all the attachments that go with them.....then so be it.

My friend, JIP, did a post titled "when you have no choice" that got my mind racing off into one of those places that just couldn't quit without a post. And while I have spoken with her about this decision she made and know she believes she probably made a good choice for herself, she did make a choice. And it's not her decision I want to question in any way but the words and thinking that suggest she had "no choice."

One of the most important lessons I've learned is just we always have a choice. Maybe it's not a good one or one we would wish for but we always have a choice. Being able to see my choices (even though they're not be desirable) gives me back the personal power my offenders took away from me.

Regaining that personal power is what healing is really all about if you ask me. Learning how to "NOT BE" a victim any longer is wrapped up tightly in the package of personal power and being able to find our choices in life.

The subliminal message when we say we have "no choice" is that we are powerless. Our choices have been taken away from us and we can only do one thing. When in fact we can chose to go with the flow or buck the system or all things in between. Whether or not we are prepared to deal with the consequences of our various decisions certainly has a role in what path we chose, but the important part is giving ourselves the permission to chose at all. The self talk "I have the power to make decisions in my life" is much more productive than the powerless statement "I have no choice."

Words like "can't" and "no choices" are the things that get us stuck unable to see a way out of the trap of victimization. That is really what they did to us so many years ago. They took away our choices and taught us to not see them making us dependent on the coping skills they allowed us to have.

We stay stuck when we continue to live our lives dictated by the "can't' and "no choices" and powerlessness that we have learned. Stepping up and taking that power back by seeing that we have choices and with that the power to make decisions after all is a liberating experience.

Being able to see our way clear of those old beliefs and look for our choices gives us a road map to find our way to meeting our own needs. As we reclaim our personal power by owning our decisions we find it easier to begin to search out more and better choices. That routine stamps out those old feelings of powerlessness and builds us up.

Because a big part of this "no choice" train of thought has to do with how we use our own words and thinking to keep ourselves stuck. I've found I can combat those old messages by just changing a couple of simple words.

Instead of saying "can't" I now substitute with the word "won't" It's a much more powerful word even though sometimes the sound of me saying, "I won't" offends my sensibilities. It doesn't sound productive or kind to be saying something like "I won't talk to that person anymore" or "I won't lose weight" but it does sound powerful and gives me back the decision in the first place.

From there I can make the leap to the next change. That simple change is to go from "no choice" to "I have choices." Just changing from the negative to the positive starts me on the path to figuring out just what those choices might be. It gets my feet moving towards doing something productive instead of staying stuck.

Taking back my personal power by finding the choices helps me see I do have control in my life and builds my self esteem. It also helps me to take better care of my inner children or child, whichever the case might be. Once I started down this path there has been no stopping me. I can now reach for the stars if I want because I have choices after all.

I have to say, I'm pretty sure my friend, JIP is following right behind me. I'm pretty darn sure she's beginning to figure out that she has choices too!