Essay #12 for Kalvos & Damian's New Music Bazaar

Live, from 180 miles due east of the precise center of the universe -- assuming your universe is shaped like a giant hollowed-out pinball whose inhabitants fancy creating gelatinous desserts -- it's Kalvos & Damian's New Music Sesquihour, broadcasting this week just off the road from Plainburg, Vermont. It's an underestimated pleasure to bring you the show today, especially considering the alternative, which was to sit on a yak demonstrating Colostomy Bag® brand Colognes to members of the Assembly of Neutered Alchemists.

It's one day after the last of the official dog days, and one day before the beginning of lemming season. Today is also "Be Kind To Academics Day," and we'll be paying tribute to our otherwise disreputable brethren and cisterns in the high-paying, low-pressure musical teaching community who grow fat and dull in insular ivory-towered universes cowering behind educational facades discussing moribund compositional techniques made popular by dead and often self-indulgent faculty whose only acquired skill is longevity.

Academic music has its snooty roots in the dirt of avant-gardeners who tilled the sesqui-soil before them, and later had to clean up after them, too. These sesqui-pseudoscholarly gentlemen farmers with tenure have offices and secretaries and maleable student musicians ready and willing -- for a paltry grade of C -- to perform whatever alleged tune the academician puts in front of him or her. Makes me sick. Still, it's a great life, and were I tendered one, I'd snatch it in an instant! Go ahead, make me an offer; make my day!

No, on second thought, I'd rather stick to my sesqui-ethics and sit on a yak than have to kowtow before executive committee tycoons in order to get a slice of the scholastic welfare pie.

On third thought, I could sure use a little fiduciary assistance in the gainful employ department, or, le flambeau oriange.

But, no matter. It's August, it's Saturday afternoon, and Kalvos & Damian have a sesquishow to broadcast. Speaking of which, this portion of the New Music Sesquihour is sponsored in part by this portion of the New Music Sesquihour. Portions of the show which are not brought to you by the New Music Sesquihour are still indeterminate and will be discussed at length as lapses in the interview portion of the show warrant. And speaking of warrant, today's featured Vermont composer-o-the-week is Bea Phillips, long- time caretaker of Rhythms of Ribbon, which she will discuss later as related lapses warrant. Today's avant-announcement, which is, will be and would have been a really good one, will not be heard in order that we may present some welcome dead air, which will be heard as soon as conditions warrant.

At last, without further disbursement of words here and now, it's time for Kolvas.