User:Harmlessmassacre

Member of the Order of Uncyclopedia

This person has successfully registered on Uncyclopedia. They should be proud of themselves for making such a smart move.

Welcome to....

Well actually, you're still in the same place as before. I mean you didn't physically change locations just by going to my page, right? Oh well, feel free to stick around.

This user was once a n00b but is now taking its first steps into the world of Uncyclopedia on its own.

Imasimpsonnow3.png

This is me as a Simpsons character. AND I STILL ROCK!

How This Page Came To Be

The Industrial Revolution

I was born a miner in some town in Pennsylvania. I worked for no pay from the day I was born, until infant slavery was abolished as a result of the Industrial Revolution. After I gained my freedom, I left home in search of adventure. At first I concidered sailing down the Mississippi on a raft, but I wanted to avoid copyright issues with Mark Twain, so I joined the army. I fought for 18 years before getting kidnapped by space pirates. I could've escaped too, but that egomaniac Captain Kirk just had to save the day. After I got home, I became stand up comic. Those 50 years are now just a big blur. Although I can slightly remember creating and hosting my TV show "Worlds Funniest Suicides: Caught on Tape!" Well the day I turned 70, I was strickin with an awful disease, oldness. This disease changed my life. I started wearing my pants up really high, keeping my blinkers on for 3 blocks, and gaining less respect from the youngsters. After I came to accept the fact that I was old, I decided to become a stalker on Club Penguin. Then I figured my life was over soon anyway, so I decided to make this page in my spare time.

Canada!!! The Section[edit | edit source ]

Captain Canada! Eh.

No, I am not Canadian unfortunately, however it would be totally sweet if I was! Canada is most definatly the coolest country with a leaf on their flag. Its got some pretty sweet provinces including, Quebec, Alberta, and Sweden. In fact, only two bad things come from Canada, Life With Derek and Naturally Sadie, and anyone who likes these shows shall perish and rot for the awful sin that they have commited. Well enough about this wonderful country's negatives, Canada is home to some of the worlds most excellent celebrities. There's Captain Canada, Jim Carrey, and I think Bill and Ted are canadians cause they're so AWESOME! I mean who doesn't want to live in a country with free national healthcare, curling, and Communism? Well thats what I know about Canada, feel free to use this information in any school reports you may have to write about this wonderful nation.

The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything![edit | edit source ]

Click this button to see the Ultimate answer, Oh wait you cant!

Dont worry I wont say 42, in fact I wont even answer the question! This heading was just a trap to get you to read this section and if you are a good person that doesn't drown puppies for your own sick entertainment, you will read on. Well you might be thinking, if this section doesn't answer the ultimate question, what is its purpose? The answer is adverisment. Thats right, this section is a giant ad! This company is paying me millions of dollars just to tell you to buy their product! Isn't that great! I only have to put it in there once too! So I might as well do that last. Well in the mean time, I'll just rub it in your face that i'm gonna be rich and you aren't! Man, what will I buy that you cant afford? Hmmm, Its gotta be something so good, that when you see it, you will be so mad that you dont have it!

Something I will have and you won't!

Maybe I can buy a yacht! Yeah then I can throw a yacht party and only rich people will be invited! Oh yeah this is gonna be good, wait this is mean isn't it. I mean I'm sitting here just waiting to be rich and you have to work to achieve wealth. Still, it isn't often that I'm better than someone else, I deserve to be able to taunt you, right? I don't know, I just feel like I should share some with you. GOTCHA! Oh man, I saw you comin'. You actually thought I would share my money with someone like you! Oh please, next you'll expect me to donate to charity! Oh man thats rich, LIKE ME! HA! You aren't rich! I am! I am better than you! Oh yeah, this feels good. Hey who knows, maybe someday you can make millions of dollars for doing nothing, oh wait you can't cause you don't have skills. Thats right, skills, I have many and you have none, like 100 dollar bills. Ha! Oh man this will never get old. The most pathetic thing is, you're still reading this. After all that taunting, you're still here like im gonna share with you, or I'm gonna lose my wealth due to my unbelievably rude behavior. Well I'm gonna teach you a lesson. Poor guys finish last. Rich people rule the world. If you have money, you have power. If you have power, you have victory. Because you dont have money, you lose. Which makes you a loser. Well I guess its time for me to put the name down and reap my reward! The company you should buy from is ... Crap I'm out of room!!!!!!