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The Food and Cooking Portal

Warning: May kill British just by smell

Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately for us, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive, so you probably eat it every day. The world of conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. (See more... )

Cooking ... it's not exactly music... but it's close. Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials a manner that would procreate delectable (needless to say edible) and proper nourishment for humans of civilisation. It is prepared by 90% of the women in the world who come home after hours of grueling sexual harassment and unproductive meetings to apply heat to the meat or frozen dinner in order to satisfy the man. It encompasses a vast range of methods, drawers full of once used tools, and 5 used daily. The combinations of ingredients and rearranged rotations serve to disguise the same old same oldishness of the food. (See more... )

Featured Article

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Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. Last night was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I can't believe how much we drank. Seriously, can you believe we killed that whole handle of Relska? What were we thinking? It's always a good time when I come by, isn't it?

Well, here's the thing: I think I owe you an apology. See, last night, while you were passed out, I ate your Haagen-Dazs. I know, I know, it was kind of a dick move on my part. You shouldn't eat another man's ice cream. It's kind of the guy code.

But I had a reason. Give me a chance to explain.

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Written by Hyperbole

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Culinary News

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PERSNICKETY, Arkansas - The waitress at the diner on the corner doesn't find the antics of your rambunctious child to be nearly as entertaining as you think they are.

"Sure, it was adorable for awhile, hon. Everyone in the restaurant thought it was cute when your toddler asked for a 'sammich'. But 'pusketti' was pushing it, no matter how charming your tyke's freckles are. The fact that your urchin got more food on other customers than he got in his mouth didn't win any fans. By 'cheh-wee pah' we were ready to give the insufferable whelp the bum's rush." said Peggy, a long-time employee at the 'Corner Diner', a greasy spoon known for good food at reasonable prices. "My name's not really Peggy. The tag came with the uniform, luv."

"I'm a little surprised that your kid has grown at all. You'd think that a lad his age wouldn't need a bib, but hoo-wee! That one sure does; more goes on him than in him, darlin'. It'd probably save time just to buy him food colored clothes... Children need boundaries; that temper tantrum when I said we were out of chocolate milk was over the line, dear."

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Written by Modusoperandi

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Featured Image

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The average Japanese courtship ritual involves more bananas than expected.

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Image by Ben DeRoy

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Top-Rated Eateries

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Cracker Barrel is a Southern-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food. Cracker Barrels can be found along the fine Interstate Highways of America: if you see an exit or interchange, chances are there's a Cracker Barrel lurking around the corner waiting to ambush unsuspecting travelers.

On a clear blue day in September, 1869, Old Jedediah Smith of Lebanon, Tennessee thought to himself, "Gee wilikers, I could sure make a ton of money peddling our nasty Tennessee cuisine to unsuspecting Yankee travelers. Maybe I could also sell them cheap banjos or scented candles."

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Written by Skinfan13

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Featured Food

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A fortune cookie is a crisp, wafer-like cookie that is baked around a message of infinite wisdom and prophecy. The cookies are usually served after dinner at authentic Chinese restaurants. Although the Chinese have known the secrets of the fortune cookie for millennia, the rest of the world only gained knowledge of the untapped wisdom of the fortune cookie in the mid-15th century, when the prophet Nostradamus utilized fortune cookies and opium to see the future.

The fortune cookie was developed in the early 5th century B.C. by the Chinese philosopher Confucius. Confucius sought to make a delicious treat that provided not only physical nourishment but mental and spiritual nourishment as well. It is said that Confucius spent many days meditating in the mountains of Tibet while training in Tai Chi with Buddhist monks so that he could condense his wisdom.

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Did You Know?

... don't throw away pickle juice. use it for peeled hardboiled eggs. Yum!
... in France, cooking is a national sport? Whoever adds the most red wine to a dish wins!
... in France, cooking is a national sport? Whoever adds the most red wine to a dish wins!
... in France, cooking is a national sport? Whoever adds the most red wine to a dish wins!
... 70% of all berries contain traces of napalm?
... the most effective way to slice onions without crying is to use your teeth?

Quote of the Day

" My weaknesses have always been food and men, in that order "

— Hannibal Lecter, on weaknesses

Further Reading

Meat

Chicken

Buffalo wings · Chicken McNuggets · Chicken pie · Chickenbox · Chick-fil-A · Fried Chicken · Kentucky Fried Chicken · General Tso's chicken · Orange Chicken · The Colonel's Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices