Djarum
DjarumsTM are a popular brand of clove cigarettes manufactured in Indonesia and owned by the PT DjarumTM Company. What makes them better than traditional cigarettes is, not only their significant price hike, but also the addition of two secret ingredients: fiberglass and clove. Clove, first accidentally discovered by Indonesian-Latino mink farmers in 1847, not only tastes delicious but also is proven to help one fight evil, withstand starvation, outrun smaller mammals, run for President, and mantain a healthy mind/body image.
DjarumsTM come in several varieties, but the variety smoked by "true" DjarumTM smokers (true DjarumTM smokers being the highest and most upper of the upper-class DjarumTM smoking community, represented by an estimated 2 or possibly 3 individuals, yet still constituting over 99% of the gross DjarumTM consumption (or GDC) of the world) are the DjarumsTM Blacks.
Djarum™ Blacks[edit | edit source ]
DjarumTM Blacks, so called because they are smoked only by the most refined and dignified connoisseurs, are, quite coincidentally, rolled with black paper and sold in black packaging. The clove from these is said to be more potent than that found in any other clove cigarette the world over. Such a delicacy is to be wasted on none other than a true DjarumTM smoker. While being known for their cool and calm dispositions, the only thing to ever anger (see Holocaust denial) a true DjarumTM smoker has been the misuse/mistreatment of DjarumTM Blacks. Mistreatments include: not savoring the sweet tingle of clove, wasting any amount of clove in the DjarumTM, not speaking with passion on behalf of the DjarumsTM being smoked, not smoking enough DjarumsTM, not smoking DjarumsTM frequently enough, smoking DjarumsTM only to pretend to be a true DjarumTM smoker, not offering a DjarumTM to any true DjarumTM smoker in the room at the time of DjarumTM smoking, not DjarumingTM a DjarumTM when it has obviously already become sldkfnksjfksjfklsdjfkjsdkfjskljfksjfklsjdfklajdklfjskljfiawejriej skjfksdjf sjfskjfksdjfksjdfksjdkfljskdfjksdjfksjdfksjdfkljsdf skdfjksldjf sdkfjskjf sdjfksdjf ksjdfksdjfkajslkfjiwejrijfskdjfkasljfiojfksjdfksjfksdjfjlDjarumTM, DjarumTM DjarumTM DjarumTM DjarumTM DjarumTM, et cetera.
Of course, simply following these guidelines cannot make one a true DjarumTM smoker, this title can only truly be bestowed by another true DjarumTM smoker and can be revoked at any time; as such, any of these rules can be broken by a true DjarumTM smoker as long as he has the unspoken consent of a fellow true DjarumTM smoker.
Additionally, DjarumTM cigarettes also contain a mild anasthetic chemical known as "eugenol." The true DjarumTM smoker is always aware of the effect of the eugenol, which is said to numb the throat, diminish the gag reflex and generally make smoking more enjoyable for the beholder and all those within a ~50-yard radius (range contingent on clove potency). Eugenol grows on eugenol trees exclusively in the non-existent rolling green pastures on the outskirts of Vantaa, Finland. This is generally believed to account for the exorbitant price of Djarums, as they are manufactured in Indonesia, however the logistics of shipping the prized chemical overseas prevent lucrative trade except during the Finlanders' overseas sex tour off-season.
Djarum™ Logic[edit | edit source ]
When a true DjarumTM smoker is smoking DjarumsTM (or even when he is not smoking DjarumsTM because he is always smoking DjarumsTM because he is a true DjarumTM smoker so even when he isn't smoking DjarumsTM he doesn't have to worry about that because he is smoking DjarumsTM because he always smokes DjarumsTM) he comes to possess a "Djarum™ logic". The above parenthetical statement is, of course, a perfect example of DjarumTM logic. It is logic that is not real logic because real logic is wrong because DjarumTM logic is the real logic so real logic is not DjarumTM logic because DjarumTM logic is real logic and real logic is wrong. DjarumTM logic is always correct but only true DjarumTM smokers are ever aware of this paradigm (see Schwarzenegger paradigm) and, as such, DjarumTM logic is often wasted on the ears of people who are not true DjarumTM smokers (see moron). However, this does not dissuade true DjarumTM smokers from using this form of logic with pride, and in fact, some of the most famous and exemplary true DjarumTM smokers can have conversations in DjarumTM logic for hours at a time. Currently, the US government has banned the unfiltered versions of Kreteks. This is a mass conspiracy, as the unfiltered clove cigarettes are the most healthy!!! They use old, natural recipes to create them, unlike American cigarettes, which are laden with a chemical slurry that would kill any animal on earth. Long Live The Kretek....God Bless America.
Djarums™ in History[edit | edit source ]
DjarumsTM were the key to victory in, not only the Great War of 1847 (curiously the very year the clove was discovered), but also in The Great Excommunication of Everything.
Oscar Wilde was the true historical driving force behind the DjarumTM, as he did create the scrumptious kretek in B.C.X. 82917, nearly four Equinotical cycles prior to the discovery of the clove—a remarkable feat, indeed. Wilde was indisputably the most DjarumTM of the DjarumersTM and DjarumedTM more DjarumsTM than anyone could DjarumTM in a DjarumTM of DjarumsTM.