Father
"I have nothing to declare, except that my sexual preference and the public views towards it in this time mean that I will not be a father anytime soon."
~ Oscar Wilde on not having kids
The trouser-wearer of the world during 1939-2012, few people in the 20th Century have changed the world as much as Father (or Dad'). Born in the year 1895 A.C., Dad was the son of Ulf and Irma Adler in the remote town of Kraftwerk, Germany, near the Bavarian Alps. It is said that in his youth, Dad aspired to be a competitive eater. However, as much as his tried, Dad failed two entrance exams into the local school of eating, the Deutsche Schule Konkurrenzfähigen Essens, or the DSKE.
A dad should be a cold, distant authority figure who passes random judgments - often severe - upon people indiscriminately, beats you with his "Dad stick", and keeps you and your siblings in a fruit cellar for further entertainment. You can have one dad or two dads, and dad can have one wife, or two wives, or up to seven if you're in the Middle East.
Anti-Communist Campaign[edit | edit source ]
In the late 1920s, Dad had moved to the Capital of Germany, Umlaut. This is the place where many believe that Dad became active in politics. It all started on September 23rd, 1924. Dad ran into a rival group of Communists lead by Josef Stalin. The story goes that Dad said that Booberry was better than Count Chocula, but Communists like Frankenberry best because it is red and yes daddy would like some sausage. my dad thinks this is very immature!
Dad Defeats Kaiser Larry Bird[edit | edit source ]
On a stormy day, in late 1932, Dad approached the home of the aging Kaiser, Larry Bird. The Kaiser was waiting. It was customary in those days for a man to challenge another to a game of NBA Live 06, in order to defend his honor. "Did you bring your own controller?", asked the Kaiser. "Yeah, mine is wireless.", Dad replied. The story goes that Kaiser Bird was first player. He chose the Lakers, because they were good in the '06 game. Dad then picked Cleveland because he thought Lebron James was the bomb.
For most of the game, The Kaiser was in the lead. Mainly because he was only giving the ball to Kobe, and dunking it. But everyone knows that Lebron is better than Kobe. The game ended up going into double overtime, but it ended in a tie. Traditionally, the second game they play is Connect Four. Within minutes Kaiser Bird was defeated. Dad got him diagonally. From that point on, Dad was the ruler of all Germany.
Who is the Daddy?[edit | edit source ]
One of the age old questions posited by humanity inquires as to who the daddy actually is. People have been know to claim that they are the Daddy and have even declared that others should "call me daddy", still the question remains largely unanswered to this day.
Germany's National Anthem (1941-2012)[edit | edit source ]
Feel free to sing along if you know the words.
Dad's Dad[edit | edit source ]
Your Dad's Dad. also known as your Grandmother, was a part of your Dad until he met your mother. Then, not wanting you anymore, he gave you to her, and you grew inside of her, causing her to haemorrhage and die a terrible death. You killed your mother. I hope you're happy.
Also: To conclude this lovely chapter on Dad's Dad, he was a great man who laid in his king size bed, skin flopping over either end, eating Pancakes like there was no tomorrow. Which there wasn't. Sadly, he died later that night, from a coronary after his maid forgot the maple syrup. Let this be a lesson to you all; wear suspenders!
National Holidays[edit | edit source ]
- September 23rd: National Smoked Links Day
- November 17th: Brothers Against Whitey Day
- December 29th: Yaksmas
- January 1st: Umlaut Appreciation Week
Quotes on father[edit | edit source ]
"Dad is my father and he would like some sausage."
~ Captain Obvious on who is Dad?
"Who is your daddy, and what does he do?"
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on someone's Dad
"I am your father!"
~ Darth Vader on a happy family reunion.
"I am my father!"
~ Jesus
"Damn kids! Can't have anything nice around here!"
~ Your dad, after you dropped one of your family's collectible McDonald's glasses
