Dashboard Confessional
"GodTM hates Dashboard ConfessionalTM"
Dashboard ConfessionalTM is the essential computer product for Catholics on the go.
In between the hassles of beating the kids and trash-talking Protestant splitters, it has become increasingly more difficult for Catholics to practice their faith and insult others even more than they used to. Some just can't find the time for proper confession.
However, with Dashboard ConfessionalTM, confessing your sins is as easy as talking into a cup! For only ten easy payments of $69.99, you too can feel closer to Jesus and closer to heaven. But don't wait! Get yours now! The Dashboard ConfessionalTM: you need it, because we said so, you vagrant heathen.
History[edit ]
The need for the Dashboard ConfessionalTM came about when the iPopeTM, a device very similar to the contemporary Dashboard ConfessionalTM, became outdated, and the demand for repentance had become too much for the low-quality processors of the iPopeTM and its derivatives.
As a result, Vatican®, the company who introduced the iPopeTM (as well as the iPriest, which ended in a massive underage sex scandal) began upgrading the iPopeTM. After several years of tuning, the final prototype was complete. However, Vatican® was forced to rename the product under a different trademark due to the vast differences between the iPopeTM and the new prototype.
Thus the Dashboard ConfessionalTM was born.
Units of the Dashboard ConfessionalTM became available on store shelves in 1999, and it immediately became a commercial success, selling millions of units worldwide within the first three seconds. Today, all vehicles in Italy come standard with a Dashboard ConfessionalTM.
Features[edit ]
Low end models of the Dashboard ConfessionalTM provide a variety of up to fifty pre-recorded phrases including "continue, my child" and the chart topping smash "the grace of GodTM be with you", while the premium selection includes an instant link-up to The Heavenly FatherTM via tin can and string, with optional IM client. Dashboard ConfessionalTM runs on proprietary FaithTM software, providing smooth and steady performance within any conditions, except: marriage crises, hostage negotiations, depression, crucifixions, and areas in which FM radio reception is simply too strong.
The Dashboard ConfessionalTM is fully compatible with modern cellular phones, enabling 24-hour SMS access to your Dashboard ConfessionalTM both in front of and away from the wheel. Whether you need "2 go 2 chrch" or "pik up frangas", the Dashboard ConfessionalTM is on hand at the touch of a single button to deliver the divine truths of H.A.H.T.L.O.H.E.T.O.A.O.J.K.1.8.2. (His Awesome Holiness, The Lord of Heaven and Earth, the One and Only Jesus Krist 182TM).
The internal structure of the Dashboard ConfessionalTM uses FaithTM technology. Although the Dashboard ConfessionalTM is considered to be an upgraded model of the iPopeTM, FaithTM operating system has been around for millennia. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
FaithTM[edit ]
Developed by a group of monastics in the first century AD, FaithTM is famous for being the first ever operating system to run without electricity or any sort of internal logic. Available only in a single size, Mustard SeedTM, what FaithTM lacks in customization it makes up for in stability. Products powered by FaithTM include: war, politics, actors, Santa Clause, the Iranian soccer team, and that kid who believed Willy could make the jump when all the odds were against him, thus making it the most popular operating system in the world as vindicated by FaithTM's developers.
Installation and Maintenance[edit ]
In order to ensure correct operation of your Dashboard ConfessionalTM unit, it should be securely fastened to your vehicle's dashboard using the provided mounting screws. Normal airbag function may be disrupted by the installation of the unit.
Cleaning your Dashboard ConfessionalTM is simple. Simply rinse the unit with purchaseable holy water and let it air-dry. Any other methods of cleaning may result in eternal damnation.
Sins[edit ]
The Dashboard ConfessionalTM comes with the following sins memorized:
- Playing with your food
- Playing with your self
- Playing with the person next to you
- Making money
- Making sex
- Making sex for money
- Adoption
- Shucking corn
- Tossing the Holy Hand Grenade to a count other than three
Trivia[edit ]
- The Dashboard ConfessionalTM loses complete reception within the state of Utah, and within 50 yards of any synagogue.
- Cups come in several custom colors, such as mandarin copper, Siam sunrise, and dusk and summer.
- Despite popular belief, FaithTM is destructible.
- A Muslim version of the Dashboard ConfessionalTM is expected to be released from a separate company, titled, Dashboard MartyrTM.
