User:Mrmonkey72/ideabox

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• HowTo:Build a Moral-Teaching Haunted House

HowTo:Build a Moral-Teaching Haunted House[edit | edit source ]

Ah, Halloween. A holiday full of thrills, chills and scares all around. But wouldn't you like to take this well-loved children's holiday and turn into a lesson-teaching gospel? Of course you would, as a dedicated patriot and a dutiful follower of... well, whatever religion you subscribe to.

How, though, should you go about turning this frightfest into a swamp of good morals and treating others as you'd like to be treated? Some of your neighbors may decorate their yards for the season, and you should take a further step; convert your entire home into a haunted house for the kids to enjoy. And learn from.

Why would I want my haunted house to teach valuable life lessons to children?[edit | edit source ]

While some people may find that trying to teach children morality through graphic images and shockery to be wrong, these people have usually ignored the fact that organized religions have been using this system for centuries. If it worked for the Pope, it should work for you; that's my philosophy, and I'll stick by it until my death.

Lessons[edit | edit source ]

Staying off your yard[edit | edit source ]

If the children in your neighborhood are anything like mine, they just can't seem to keep their dirty shoes off your beautiful, well-tended lawn. That friendly Keep Off The Grass sign that you placed so prominently out front just hasn't been able to work, and your warnings only makes them more enthuastic. Halloween is the perfect time to establish, once and for all, that stepping on your lawn is a bad idea. A very, very bad idea.

How should I do this, you may ask yourself, puzzling over the intense quandary inherent in the problem. How should I finally make my lawn so repellant that none will ever want to venture into its green, perfectly-trimmed depths?

Human corpses.

While this suggestion may originally seem, to put it politely, a little bit "out there", it has numerous benefits. For one, it is a good, spooky way to create that perfect atmosphere you need to run a decent haunted house, along with accompanying fog machines. Corpses are also free and easily attainable from your local cemetery: just make sure to go late at night and quietly, as during the day, digging up people's deceased relatives is generally frowned upon.

Besides this, bodies also serve as an excellent fertilizer, which should help keep your lawn in tip-top shape.

Abstinence[edit | edit source ]

All these young whippersnappers nowadays just have sex left and right, willy nilly, with the proper safety measures taken in order to prevent dangerous STDs that they've been thoroughly educated on. However, even this so called "safe" sex should be cleansed away like the filthy, non-committal, fun smut it is.

However, since you are a purebred patriot and saint, you wouldn't know anything about the dirty, dank world that is sex. In order to avoid exposing yourself to this smut, you should go to your reputed neighborhood expert on bizarre and disgusting sexual interactions. These experts are commonly labeled with a convinient Registered Sex Offender tag, and should be recruited to assist with your safe, spooky house.

Don't forget, these people are experts in their crafts. You don't have to come up with an idea; just tell them to go to town making one of your frightful rooms as "sexy" as possible, and watch the children fear godless, non-reproductive sex. Also, as long as you have them, your local Sex Offender should be a tourguide through your haunted abode; after all, they're readily available and nothing bad could possibly happen when you leave them in dark rooms with children. Absolutely nothing.

The Big Finish[edit | edit source ]

Every good haunted house has to have a spectacular finish in order to make it memorable. Since you need to get a good, solid reinforcement on all the vital lessons that you've just taught, it's recommended that you show the final, inevitable path for those who choose to ignore your teachings: Hell.

Simply showing the kids the flaming, fiery and sickening underworld that is Hell will probably not be enough; recruit an actor to play Satan in your demonic destruction, give them a knife (while it is preferable that this knife is very rusty, it is not necessary) and have them stab the biggest troublemaker in the tourgroup straight though the chest.

That'll teach them to disobey God.

Just stab 'em.