Perfectionism

"Cut, cut, cut dammit! I SAID CUT!!!"

~ Steven Spielberg on ET's bike flying a 1/2 inch higher than it should be

"Perfectionism is what gives us the backbone to complain until they stop feeding us shit at fast food restaurants."

~ Oscar Wilde on Perfectionism

(削除) Perfectionism is that strange feeling- no, that sounds stupid. (削除ここまで)

(削除) Perfectionism is the Oscar Award-winning epic- dammit, I screwed up the link! (削除ここまで)

(削除) Perfectionism is the Award-winning epic romance novel between a man and a- it was better with the screwed link. (削除ここまで)

(削除) Perfectionisn is the misspelling of- damn keyboard! (削除ここまで)

Perfectionism is some problem with some person for some reason that has to do with their tiny, tiny brains! Jeez!

History[edit | edit source ]

The first (削除) known (削除ここまで) perfectionist was Joe Jerryson... no, wait a second, wasn't it Cyrus Caesar? Arthur Argus? Hmm... maybe that's the first historic reference... hang on... no, not him... wait... maybe... oh! Okay, then...— The first (削除) known (削除ここまで) perfectionist was Ogg Gruntsson, (circa 1,548,452,042-1,548,452,069 BC) who was, according to Ogg's journals, ^[1] "(削除) obsessed with (削除ここまで) fascinated by the beauty of (削除) things (削除ここまで) creations that (削除) are perfect (削除ここまで) embody perfection."^[2] From what archeologists ^[3] were able to find, Ogg was frequently banished from his tribe for writing his work down, rather than remembering it like everyone else, for not worshiping the sun (as he knew it was just a big ball of fire), and for inventing fire and not sharing. He was eventually sentenced to death, but he mysteriously vanished^[4] the night they tried to kill him, and Ogg's genius was lost to the world forever. His was survived by his children, who ran away when Ogg was "killed" and joined anoth(削除) o (削除ここまで)er distant tribe, and his descendants multiplied into the bounty of perfectionists there are today.

Wait, there's something else I'm forgetting about History... oh, right! Sorry! Here, let's try this information:

The terms "Perfectionist" and "Perfectionism" were (削除) invented (削除ここまで) coined by early linguist and perfectionist Jakob Grime (circa September 20, 1863-January 4, 1785 BC), when he noticed several thousands of people in history had a(削除) n unhealthy and unruly weird (削除ここまで) peculiar (削除) obsession (削除ここまで) interest in (削除) being perfect (削除ここまで) perfection.

Okay, hold on! This says nothing about what he did! Fix that, please!

—He decided that such people and their "study" needed a name, and initially decided to call them "Perfectologists" and "Perfectology". Then "Strivers" and "Strivationism". Then "Correctors" and "Correctationism". And still kept coming up with new, better, and more sensible words. He continued seeking the right words, and, on January 4, 1785 BC, he (削除) discovered (削除ここまで) (削除) realized (削除ここまで) had an epiphany: "I have it! We'll call them Perfecteers who are involved in Perfectionism!"^[5] , then died of a heart attack from his excitement. While "perfectioneers" never really caught on, perfectionism quickly wove its way into modern English, and gave birth to the grammatically-correct term "Perfectionists".

...what? That's it? No snazzy conclusion line? We can't end a section like this! It's just... boring! Here, I'll fix that!

Thus perfectionism was (削除) alive (削除ここまで) (削除) born (削除ここまで) (削除) CREATED (削除ここまで) WHATEVER MAKES SENSE! GAH!

No, wait, come back! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't get mad at me, please! I won't do it again, I promise! ...

...Oh, thank you. Now, let's move on!

Physical Traits[edit | edit source ]

You can tell if a pe(削除) e (削除ここまで)rson is a perfectionist by several chara(削除) ra (削除ここまで)cteristics in his or (削除) she (削除ここまで) her personality, his/her habits and, sometimes, his/her physical appearance.

...no, wait a second, maybe that's too... professional and stuck-up. What if a complete idiot shows up and reads this?!? Maybe if I put it in layman's terms they'd understand...

-I mean, you can tell if someone is obsess(削除) s (削除ここまで)ed with being perfect by telling what kind of a person they are, what kind of strange things they do when they think no one's looking, and how attractive- I, mean, how they look.

...no, now it's too... unprofessional. Isn't Uncyclopedia supposed to be a pillar of truth and honesty? ^[6] So, shouldn't there be like, I dunno, a list?

Anyway, if you still can't tell how to spot a perfectionist by now, remember to look for strange patterns in the following areas:

• Personality
• Habits
• Physical Appearance

No, wait, I still have to think about if there's any other mis —

Personality[edit | edit source ]

The first step in identifying a perfectionist is to look at a person's social life. Ask yourself: "Does this person spend lots and lots of time locked up in a small room with a magnifying glass while analyzing every single fiber of a painting?" If your answer is yes, you should investigate further; is the work this person is obsessing over belong to (削除) him (削除ここまで) (削除) her (削除ここまで) (削除) it (削除ここまで) them? If not, you've found a perfectionist. (削除) Not sure exactly why you wanted to, but, still, (削除ここまで) congratulations!

...AND...?

—And also, a perfectionist may seem to be (削除) unfocused (削除ここまで) uninterested in (削除) discussions (削除ここまで) conversations with other people, and (削除) usually (削除ここまで) often spends time (削除) alone (削除ここまで) isolated. (削除) Frequently (削除ここまで) Normally, this is because a perfectionist may want to ponder over the last (削除) picture (削除ここまで) (削除) drawing (削除ここまで) (削除) thing (削除ここまで) piece of (削除) art (削除ここまで) work (削除) he (削除ここまで) (削除) she (削除ここまで) (削除) it (削除ここまで) the perfectionist (削除) did (削除ここまで) completed. Perfectionists have been known to commit minor crimes in order to go to jail (or time-out, if the perfectionist is (削除) very (削除ここまで) young) to achieve such alone time, so perfectionists tend to be drug dealers, (削除) arsonists, murderers, (削除ここまで) and bank robbers, which has a significant impact on their personality. However, this isn't a sure sign, as criminals can also be just plain mad.

Are you saying that perfectionists are all scumbags?! How DARE you! That's it, I'M taking over!

—Perfectionis(削除) m (削除ここまで)ts (削除) is (削除ここまで) are also (削除) known to (削除ここまで) (削除) infamous (削除ここまで) (削除) famous (削除ここまで) notorious for (削除) being (削除ここまで) having (削除) angry thoughts (削除ここまで) (削除) voices inside their head (削除ここまで) (削除) getting angry very fast (削除ここまで) (削除) very long (削除ここまで) (削除) extremely (削除ここまで) short (削除) angry (削除ここまで) (削除) furious (削除ここまで) (削除) temperament (削除ここまで) (削除) temperature (削除ここまで) (削除) TEMPERMENTAL (削除ここまで) TEMPERS! THEY HAVE VERY SHORT TEMPERS! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

...No! No! Wait! I didn't mean it like that! Come back! Please! I'm sorry! I just couldn't help myself! I can't do this without you! Please!...

...Thank you! I'll try not to get mad! I'll do better! Now, let's stop wasting time! Moving on!

Habits[edit | edit source ]

Perfectionists are(削除) n't (削除ここまで) (削除) well-known (削除ここまで) for having a few (削除) tendencies (削除ここまで) (削除) quirks (削除ここまで) (削除) unusual practices (削除ここまで) (削除) rights (削除ここまで) habits that can (削除) identify (削除ここまで) (削除) incriminate (削除ここまで) (削除) personify (削除ここまで) distinguish a perfectionist from a (削除) group (削除ここまで) (削除) bundle (削除ここまで) (削除) audience (削除ここまで) (削除) guild (削除ここまで) crowd.

That is WAY too small! That's barely a paragraph, let alone a whole section! Surely you can say something else abou—...

Oh. Right. I can put that down.

—Perfectionist(削除) ics (削除ここまで) (削除) have been (削除ここまで) are (削除) not (削除ここまで) known to (削除) strike out (削除ここまで) (削除) cross out (削除ここまで) strike (削除) text (削除ここまで) (削除) his (削除ここまで) (削除) her (削除ここまで) (削除) its (削除ここまで) their(削除) s (削除ここまで) (削除) mistakes (削除ここまで) errors out, (削除) instead of (削除ここまで) rather(削除) s (削除ここまで) th(削除) e (削除ここまで)an (削除) erase (削除ここまで) (削除) delete (削除ここまで) erase/delete (削除) 73H (削除ここまで) the (削除) mistake (削除ここまで) error(削除) s (削除ここまで) li(削除) c (削除ここまで)ke(削除) s (削除ここまで) (削除) normal (削除ここまで) (削除) persons (削除ここまで) people(削除) s (削除ここまで) do(削除) es (削除ここまで). Th(削除) ese (削除ここまで)is i(削除) i (削除ここまで)s be(削除) a (削除ここまで)cause(削除) s (削除ここまで) t(削除) w (削除ここまで)o a(削除) nd (削除ここまで) perfectio(削除) m (削除ここまで)nis(削除) t (削除ここまで), a(削除) n (削除ここまで) (削除) mistake (削除ここまで) error(削除) er (削除ここまで) is(削除) a (削除ここまで) li(削除) se (削除ここまで)ke (削除) the (削除ここまで) an itch(削除) y (削除ここまで), (削除) who (削除ここまで) whi(削除) t (削除ここまで)ch must(削除) ard (削除ここまで) be(削除) e (削除ここまで) scratch(削除) y (削除ここまで)ed as(削除) p (削除ここまで) s(削除) p (削除ここまで)oon as(削除) s (削除ここまで) (削除) potential (削除ここまで) poss(削除) p (削除ここまで)ible. Note(削除) s (削除ここまで)ably, th(削除) ese (削除ここまで)is make(削除) th (削除ここまで)s a(削除) n (削除ここまで) perfect(削除) s (削除ここまで)ion(削除) eer (削除ここまで)ist's wri(削除) gh (削除ここまで)tin(削除) s (削除ここまで)gs ve(削除) eres (削除ここまで)ry (削除) hards (削除ここまで) diff(削除) erent (削除ここまで)icult to(削除) es (削除ここまで) re(削除) ed (削除ここまで)ad(削除) s (削除ここまで).

Well, geez, you couldn't be more subtle about it! Lemme rewrite that last paragraph:

(削除) —Perfectionists are known to overuse the "strikeout" function. (削除ここまで)

Never mind, we'll keep the large one.

...did you think that meant this section's done? Well, tough luck! Keep those fingers moving!"

—Perfectionists are also (削除) also (削除ここまで) known to (削除) complain (削除ここまで) (削除) whine (削除ここまで) (削除) bellyache (削除ここまで) (削除) critique (削除ここまで) comment on the many (削除) paintings (削除ここまで) (削除) writings (削除ここまで) works of others. They simply (削除) cannot (削除ここまで) will not tolerate incompetence, and they will assert their opinion on everything and (削除) everything (削除ここまで) anything that (削除) they want to (削除ここまで) catches their (削除) attention (削除ここまで) interest. (削除) All (削除ここまで) Nearly all perfectionists are critics of some sort.^[7]

Well, at least you got ONE thing right!

Physical Appearance[edit | edit source ]

Perfectionists are, in (削除) a (削除ここまで) (削除) two (削除ここまで) three words, very, VERY nerdy. If you're trying to find a perfectionist just by looking at him, I've (削除) created (削除ここまで) (削除) got (削除ここまで) (削除) made (削除ここまで) prepared a (削除) check (削除ここまで)list of (削除) traits (削除ここまで) characteristics to (削除) look (削除ここまで) (削除) search (削除ここまで) (削除) quest (削除ここまで) check for:

1. A Magnifying Glass— A perfectionist can't make sure there are no brushstrokes out of place on a poster without a magnifying glass at the ready every moment of the day.
2. Spray Paint— Should there be something wrong with a large document (like a billboard), how will people know something's wrong if the perfectionist can't show them?!?
3. Pale, Pale Skin— An unfortunate side-affect from hiding in the basement for months on end correcting the background of the Mona Lisa.
4. Nerdy Apparel— Perfectionists paid attention in school just so they could correct the teacher. Being a nerd is another side-affect to this small pleasure (削除) some (削除ここまで) (削除) most (削除ここまで) all perfectionists engage in.
5. No Glasses— Glasses, though nerdy, get in the way of the magnifying glass. All perfectionists wear contacts.
6. Braces/Signs of Braces — Nerdy + Perfect Teeth = A perfectionist MUST-HAVE!!!!
7. Good Hygiene— Perfect hygiene is still perfect.
8. Bruises/Cuts/Scars— Perfectionists are advocates of self-discipline, though not a figuratively as one might think...
9. Bags— You may need to borrow the perfectionist's magnifying glass to see them through the make-up, but no amount of cosmetics can fully erase the proof of the perfectionist working night and day to proofread through the Bible.
10. Perfect Features— If the perfectionist isn't born with 'em, there's always plastic surgery.

Sorry I took so long! You'd be surprised at how hard it is to pick the perfect cup of coffee in Starb—...

...what are you doing with that picture of my Halloween costume from last year?! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY CLOTHES?! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR "FACTS" AND IMPERFECTION! I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVER AGREED TO CO-WRITE THIS ARTICLE WITH YOU! YOU CAN GO RIGHT ON AHEAD AND WALK OUT THAT DOOR! I DON'T CARE! I'M FINISHING THIS ARTICLE MYSELF!!!

The Perfectionist's Persistence[edit | edit source ]

...

Well?...

...Oh. Right. I have to write this... alone... in front of all Uncyclopedia... oh, boy...

(削除) Um, right. A perfectionist... er... is, um... very... loyal? No... what was I going to say? Okay, stop, let's try this again! (削除ここまで)

A perfectionist is (削除) usually (削除ここまで), I mean, (削除) often (削除ここまで), no, (削除) FREQUENTLY (削除ここまで), ARGH! (削除) CONSTANTLY (削除ここまで)— NO! I CAN'T... GET... FRUSTRATED... MUST... STAY... breathe... calm. Okay, let's try this... again!

Let's... see, now, um, a... p-p-perfectioni-i-i-ist, um, is, eh... um... grr... v-v-very dete-e-e-r-rm-m-mined when... um... p-p-ersuing (削除) his (削除ここまで) (削除) HER (削除ここまで) —ulp! Heh, heh. C-c-could you... excuse me for a m-m-m-moment?

Grr, what is WRONG WITH YOU!? For crying out loud, it's JUST AN ARTICLE! PULL YOUSELF TOGETHER!!!

—Okay, now! A perfectionist is VERY determined when in pursuit of (削除) HIS (削除ここまで) (削除) HER (削除ここまで) (削除) ITS' (削除ここまで)...

GAH! THIS IS STUPID! I HATE

THIS STUPID ARTICLE! I HATE

IT! THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME!!!

I'M OUT OF HERE!!!

Citations[edit | edit source ]

• Articles about a person written in the style of that person
• Pages that look like the things they're about