Holy Market

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

An image or images should be included on this page to improve the quality.

If possible, please add some pictures to properly illustrate this page and then remove this message. Do not remove this notice until it receives some pictures. Failure to comply will result in this notice being added again. If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.

The Holy Market was founded on the idea that people should pay for their sins. Most people couldn't get into the afterlife because they had too many sins, and so the church decided to start charging for sins and selling vouchers to get sins forgiven. Since most people don't donate to the collection plate, this was a good way for the church to earn money. Therefore, the major religions agreed on a price list.

Sins[edit | edit source ]

While religion is meant to inform us of how we are to live our spiritual life and become closer to the universe, the ultimate divine reality ... observing the practices of ascetic worshipers of any religion will demonstrate that not even the most devout worshipper can do without daily business transactions. The holy market is strictly an internal one (non believers or even non celebate monks in some cases cannot participate) making it difficult to research and find accurate information on how the market is carried out, what transactions occur and what the prices are.

Our deep undercover investigation has found out the following. In the American evangelistic church, buying SLAVES black woman (So Loud And Vivacous Episcopalean Singer) to sing in a holy gospel choir is not so easy to procure. They are often shipped from Africa (as they are cheaper there and there are outsourced Indian Choir Singer traffickers to find them and prepare them for the pleasant voyage. Surprisingly they are very cheap. Apart from paying for a 4th class ticket (they are expected to earn their sleeping mat and board) they are sold for the surprisingly low bargain of 22 dollars ahead if they arrive in good condition. The following is a price list for other Protestant Items

Evangelistic Market[edit | edit source ]

All prices are in American Dollars, as SLAVES and related items are yet to be regulated in the US and are banned in most other places except Saudi Arabia and Qatar.

SinPrice
Segregation Signs 2ドル.35
Nooses 1ドル.35
Jesus ́s Body (comes in packs of 50 thin slices 12ドル.35
Jesus ́s Blood (comes in 2 quart jugs 2ドル.35
The Passion (comes in packs of 5 DVD ́s personally signed by Mel Gibson 0ドル.35
Creationism and why anti-creationists are damned, signed by Sarah Palin 12ドル.35

Catholic Market[edit | edit source ]

It would be a tiring cliche to say that the catholic church only traffics in little boys as opposed to SLAVES. While there is in fact a huge market for them at very reasonable prices to keep priests at their best and perkiest, there is an unknown market in blame. Three rooms in St. Peters square is dedicated to the procurement, manufacture, distribution and marketing of blame. Five further rooms are dedicated to the sale of shame. While prices are set based on supply and demand (for instance around Easter time, Jew blame is quite popular and shame is its most known when kids come back pregnant after spring break) blame and shame is only processed twice a year. The most scrupulous bishops take advantage of this to make as much money out of these vouchers and use it to buy more boys.

Shame TypePrice
Unwanted Pregnancy 2ドル.66
Anal Sex with woman 500ドル.00
Anal Sex with man using strap on 600ドル.00
Anal Sex with SLAVE 5ドル.00
Anal Sex with wife 0ドル.01
Anal Sex with schlonged up horse 50ドル.00
Anal Sex with cucumber 2ドル.50
Happiness 900ドル.00
Religous Doubt 5ドル.45 per toe
Voting for Obama 4ドル.32
Locker Room Experimenting 412ドル.50
[[Last one to cum on the cookie participation1ドル.00
Eating the cookie14ドル.99 from HMV
Looking at the moon while having period 9ドル.99
Riding a bicycle without seat with woman 500ドル.00
Masturbation 0ドル.25
Masturbation with both hands 1ドル.25
Masturbation with hollowed out cucumber 5ドル.25
Masturbation with injuries to third parties 8ドル.25
Playing poker with Chinese loan sharks€This Amount

For this price members of the religious community can blame other people for whatever they want one time.

BlamePrice
The dog for eating something0ドル.05
Blaming the dog for pooping on the carpet2ドル.50
Blaming the dog for cum stains on bathroom towel1ドル.00
Blaming Jews0ドル.0000005
Blaming Banks and or Corporations2ドル.05
Blaming politicians you voted for2ドル.00
Blaming your parents3ドル.00
Blaming violent television for the murder of your wife10ドル.00

Controversy[edit | edit source ]

Atheists and Jews object to all forms of holy markets claiming that they should not be subject to such monopolies, paying to eat Jesus or being victims of vouchers of shame or blame. Atheists instead believe they should be paid to write shrill books lambasting religion in every conceivable way and demonstrate their superiority.

Since wikileaks have leaked such information Visa nor Mastercard now accepts any transactions linked to any of the above (except buying parts of Jesus ́ body) and PayPal is considering rewording the items about SLAVES to seem more consumer friendly.

Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Holy_Market&oldid=6277141"