CONSPIRACY TO MAKE CUNNING PLANS RESULTING IN NEAR DEATH AND EMBARRASSMENT, SUSPICIOUS REINCARNATIONS THROUGHOUT HISTORY, FRAUD, SEXUAL DEVIANCE, TURNIP TRAFFICKING, INTELLECTUAL CRIMES, CROSSDRESSING, MALE PROSTITUTION, COMMUNIST AND ARISTOCRATIC SYMPATHIES, FEEBLE CHARLIE CHAPLIN IMPRESSIONS, MANUSCRIPT BURNING, AND EXTINCTION OF THE DINOSAURS
BALDRICK
Date of Photograph could be 15th, 16th, 18th, or 20th century
Aliases: Turd, Malodorous Runt, Worst Cook in the Entire World, Lord Baldrick, Sodoff Baldrick, The Other Woman, Frozen Horse, Private Baldrick, The 'Man Who Cleans Out the Septic Tank', Little Sausage.
DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth:
Unknown
Hair:
Sewage Brown
Place of Birth:
Satan's Bottom
Eyes:
Brown
Height:
5' 2"
Complexion:
Revolting
Weight:
Light enough to fling around
Sex:
Male
Build:
Skinny
Nationality:
Stateless
Occupation:
General Dogsbody
Remarks:
Known to be as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, Baldrick is the main instigator of plans in the Baldrick-
Blackadder crime syndicate. A tall, handsome stallion of a man who was once called the 'greatest genius who ever lived'. Baldrick has also published poems in a proto-Minimalist journal of the early 20th century.
Scars, Marks and Other Peculiarities:
Difficult to tell which ones are actual features and which ones are marks of abuse although he does have a large growth in the middle of his face of unknown origin.
CAUTION
BALDRICK IS WANTED IN CONNECTION WITH FAILING TO ADD 2 AND 2 TOGETHER,
SELLING OWN URINE AS PREMIUM WINE, IMPERSONATION
OF CHARLIE CHAPLIN, SEVERAL MALAPROPISMS, BURNING BOOKS OF EDUCATIONAL VALUE,
AND THE REPEATED HINDRANCE OF EDMUND BLACKADDER'S ACTIONS.
CONSIDERED STUMPY AND EXTREMELY
SMELLY
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS PERSON,
PLEASE CONTACT
SAMUEL JOHNSON, OR THE BABY EATING BISHOP OF BATH AND WELLS.
ACCOMPLICES
Prince Minibrain (the most deranged of the lot...)
REWARD
The Mensa Society, working in conjunction with the FBI, is offering a years free supply of crossword puzzle books
and brainteasers for any information, observation or otherwise that may lead to the
apprehension or conviction of this philistine. An additional baker's dozen of pies is
being offered by Mrs. Miggins's Pie Shop.
WARNING
In spite of being kicked, having a milk-jug broken on his head, being roasted on a red-hot spit, and subjected to days of exposure, Baldrick is still with us. Do not expect him to be a pushover.
ENVIRONMENTAL HAZARD
Baldrick was the son of a dung-gatherer, and he seems to have inherited his father's odious smell and is considered an extreme environmental hazard, as well as being a danger to rationality.
