Piano: Difference between revisions
Revision as of 06:08, 27 July 2009
"Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat minor."
~ Confucious on piano
"Man who drops piano over army base get tone of A flat major."
~ Confucious on piano again
"What's the difference between a Piano and my wife?"
~ Piano Buyer on piano
"You need ten fingers for one and you need two fingers only for the other to reach her G note"
~ Piano Dealer on piano
"In Soviet Russia, piano plays you!"
~ Russian Reversal on piano
The piano (Italian piano-forte (lit. "40 pianos")) is one of the class of musical instruments referred to as the "Big Keyboard". They usually run on either electricity, magic, or legs. Pianos are deployed from very tall buildings, whereupon they are propelled by gravity (or, if the target is of a higher elevation than the building, rockets) onto the target's head, usually resulting in instant death. These weapons of mass instruction are used by the class of combatants known as pianists, a subspecies of keyboardist. However, it is now known that the keyboardist is a sub species of the pianist due to its time travelling capabilities.
I used to be a piano player, which made me a pianist, then I realised I had a specific body part, so now I'm a Peniast ~ Casanova
The First Piano
Historians have found that the first piano was crafted out of Mammoth tusk (12,983 B.C.) by the famous craftsman Jay Bush. This piano was named "The Grande Piano" which leads us to believe that Jay Bush is actually native to Mexico.
Wether the first Piano actually had keys on it is impossible to be proven. Many believe that the first Piano had a Valve that you blew into.
"people thought that face raping monkeys was a type of instrument this was later proven to be a type of piano" james pepper leadbeater "1932"
Evil Piano Makers
You may believe that Richard Nixon invented the first piano. Historians have found evidence that this belief is somewhat false.
Several Piano Makers employed popular musicians of the day to create sonatas and concertos for "concert Piano". Concerts during which these were performed were at first well attended, but quickly led to the downfall of classical music, when people realised that no musician on earth could make a set of ivory cubes inlaid with varying numbers of ebony dots (Piano-Fifteen) sound any good at all. The rise of popular music began in an effort to maximize the impact of this momentous realization, although some argue that all those shenanigans on stage were really just meant to pick up girls, or boys if that's the way you lean.
Sometimes when an abo plays a piano, it instantly becomes an evil piano. Plus if it's white it turns black and you know what they say about that; once you go black you never go back.
Continuing Development
More justification for killing elephants and rare trees was needed, and pianos therefore became ever more elaborate. Eventually other ingredients were added, and Piano-Twentytwo was born, whch was made entirely from ivory and ebony triangles, held together with cabbage. Later, further elements were added, including piano wire, invented 500 years earlier by a man who wanted something with which to garotte people.
By 1936 many British pianos were kept in public houses in the east end of London where they were unfortunately vulnerable to damage during the Blitz on London's docks and factories that formed the second act of World War II. Following the outbreak of peace in 1945, a section of the merchant fleet was converted to become Piano Ferries which discreetly redistributed pianos from defeated Germany, Belgium, and parts of occupied France to damaged districts of London. One of the main berths was renamed the Surrey Keys due to an accident with a dockside crane. After 1951, when local musical demands had been satisfied, the shipping-line began to transport cars, trucks and passengers.
Breakthrough
Just as the elephants and rare trees began to run out, Piano-Forty was made. By some astounding coincidence, the previously composed concertos and sonatas sounded really quite good on this particular piano.
As there was no real need to justify killing elephants and rare trees anymore, all subsequent pianos were modelled on the Piano-Forty, and cheap plastics were often used in place of the (by now very rare) ivory and ebony.
Though a popular instrument in modern music, piano players are frequently bitter and twisted individuals as no one ever sleeps with the piano player in a band. Oh sure, they'll sleep with the brain dead drummer or guitarist, even the smelly overweight bassist but not the guy who can actually read music, play the instrument properly and knows how to wash himself!! Shit, what does a guy have to do?
Key Layouts
As the piano has grown more and more elaborate, a few different layouts for the keys have emerged. The original layout was set by a still unbeknownst man who arranged them in successive order, A through G, Sharps (#) and Flats (b); such that the piano is arranged a little like a musical staff. This layout is referred to as Qwerty, after the rare bird.
A few hundred years later, Czech composer Antonin Dvorak created a new style of keyboard. He proposed that the most commonly used notes be placed nearby one another so that one's hands need not stray too far from what he liked to call the "Home Octave", being the natural postition of one's hands when playing.
The Downfall of the Piano
Jerry Lee Lewis tried and failed miserably to bring back piano music after the White Man tried to replace the Piano in Blues with Electric Guitars.
Mr. Lewis almost succeded with his attempt to revive the Piano-forty but failed because the British mistakenly assumed he married his 13-year old cousin. When he got back to America Jerry Lewis(Jerry's "other" cousin) made being a Douche bag popular with his jokes against Jerry Lee Lewis.
Also Jimmy Swaggart stood in Jerry's way when he said that the Piano is the "Devils instrument"
While many Catholics believe that this is true most Protestants and Eastern Orthidox find this improbable.
In 2099 the "Smart Piano" will be released under Sony and will be capable to play Jerry Lee Lewis's songs.
Up until now it was believed to be impossible for any mortal man to play Sir. Lewis's songs without summoning Beethoven being pissed off at the player and smite them.
Trivia
Music played on only the black notes of a piano sound vaguely oriental. This is due to the method of coloring the black keys, the tears and bile of Chinese women are combined in a silver vat and the substance produced by boiling this mixture is applied to the keys. If the tears and bile of African American women is used instead the keys will still gain a black color but will produce an inferior sound with a gangsta quality.
International Conventions
As reported by UnNews, in late 2007 the United Nations adopted the "falling piano" as hazard warning sign in areas with possibility of piano attacks. There is, however, doubt about the intuitivity (yes, that's a word) of the warning sign; some consider it still too vague or unclear to express the grave danger of such a situation to an unprepared belowstander. Russian Prime Minister Viktor Zubkov has come out strongly against the signs, saying, "If a piano falls on you, then that's that. It's destiny. It's not that God hates you. He actually likes you, which is why he wants your death to be comical."
Famous Piano Players
Throughout time many innovative thinkers (or Europeans as they are called in Kansas)had deviced schemes to make compositions or randomly smashed notes on a keyboard or piano, to challenge the following generations to cause lots of explosions. Surely enough several succeeded inculding;
Mozart- Minute in P Wagner- The Cb scale Nixon- You know what you did..
Freddie Mercury- All sorts of gay cum explosions, but a few straight ones too.
Note* Freddie Mercury was one of the few sexy pianists (but he was mostly a fag what a shame for the ladies)
See Also