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#CAPTCHAlice
Vibe-check questions I've asked new followers, and my answers to them.
If you were a donut, what kind would you be?
Visually I'm a Pink Sprinkle all the way. Personality-wise, I'm more of a Cinnamon Roll—tightly wound and way too sweet sometimes 😁
Occasionally I just want to be a Creme Filled though 💁🏼♀️
Describe a time that you did something kind for someone—even if it was small—without anticipating anything in return.
I can name an example for most days in the last week, but I'll pick a small one from this morning; I volunteered to sign up and put in hours as a moderator on a different instance to help them deal with spam accounts.
If you were two scoops of ice cream, what flavors would you be, and what would you be served in?
I'd be strawberry with macadamia nuts & French silk with crushed toffee, served in a rainbow sprinkled, white chocolate-dipped waffle cone.
E.g. primarily fruity and sweet, a little nutty, sorta sophisticated, but kinda cronchy and very colorful.
(wow, I put way too much thought into this one)
If you could mashup two real-world animals into a new species IRL, what would they be, and what would the new creature be like? (assume any combo is viable and finds its niche in the ecosystem)
I want a yellow lab pup and a cuttlefish. It would be super-friendly, roly-poly, and have floofy face tentacles that it would mouth folx with. It would be amphibious, generally preferring land, but loving the water.
If a genie appeared to you and said "You get a dozen words to make a wish with, but it can only directly affect you." What would you say?
I'd probably reply "A dozen words? Wait, does that count this? Oh fuck. Do over."
If you could pick up a new hobby (assume it's free for you, and you magically excel at it), what would it be?
I'd pick electric guitar (which I just did a couple days ago; sadly I'm not magically good at it, but that'll come with practice 😋).
You were bitten by something in your local pet store that turned out to be a were-something. Now every month, on the full moon, you turn into ____! What animal was it?
I'd pick a long tailed finch. One day a month I'd just be adorable and beep at everyone.
You ran away to join a magical circus, but now you have to pick something to do there. What do you choose? (assume you can do any job there that you pick, like being an aerialist, ringmaster, lion, etc)
I'd be an escape artist (I've already got the lockpicking skills for it 😋).
What's your favorite non-panda character in a panda movie?
My vote is for Miriam Mendelsohn from "Turning Red", who will no doubt discover she's a lesbian before her sophomore year of highschool.
If you could link any action to an instant consequence, and it would affect everyone indiscriminately, what would it be?
I'd make treating someone with malicious intent taste like rancid milk.
If you had to have one (scientifically classified) vegetable included in every meal you eat, for the next five years, what would it be?
I'd go with the versatile and "🤷🏼♀️ eh, it's fine" potato. There are other veggies I like more, but I can't think of one that I'd be okay with as part of every meal without coming to regret it.
You discover that magic is real, and with enough practice (and some secret PeerTube tutorials) you start to learn some basic spells. However, you can only learn one school of magic. Which one do you choose?
https://www.wikihow.com/Schools-of-Magic-5e
I think I'd have to go with conjuration. I want an adorable familiar and to be able to pull useful stuff put of thin air. Plus teleportation would be pretty sweet.
Divination would be my next choice. I'd never misplace my phone again.
Technology has advanced to the point where minimally-invasive, low-risk, designer cybernetics* are the stuff of reality. Someone gives you a coupon for 1 free new sense. Do you redeem it? If so, what do you pick?
*assume these aren't affected by the typical corruption of capitalism—they don't spy on you, sell your data, show you ads, or require subscriptions.
I'd go for it, and I'd pick trauma-sense, e.g. the ability to pick up on things that cause another person trauma, so I could always steer clear of other folx triggers, or help them to work on them (or if I'm talking to MAGA nuts, go straight for whatever would rock their worldview most).
In your opinion, what are the three coolest animal species in the world?
I have to give it to the orchid mantis, striped pyjama squid, and the American crow.
What is the best kind of pie? How should it be served?
I'm torn between rustic apple pie (with the big apple chunks, flaky crust, and crumbly topping), served with a bunch of French vanilla ice cream, and chicken pot pie (with oodles of fat and sodium), served with way more than my stomach can fit.
If you could snap your fingers and instantly be an expert player of any musical instrument (singing counts), what would you pick?
I'd pick singing to chase that nonbinary dream of being able to hit a wide range of vocals. My second choice would be (electric) guitar.
If you could pick an animal to be your familiar (e.g. you could summon/dismiss it, speak with it, borrow its senses, etc), what would it be?
I think I'd pick a common American crow. I already love them, and the local murder follows me around, so it would really just be extending that relationship to supernatural proportions.
What's one of your favorite animated shows or movies?
I'm going to have to go with Harley and Star vs the Forces of Evil. Lower Decks is up there too.
If you could remove exactly three types of food or beverage from existence, what would they be?
- A food/beverage can be as specific or general as you see fit.
- It just blinks out of existence and can never be made again.
- Realistic ramifications ensue.
I'd pick:
- peaches (just to get rid of the song)
- soda in tiny cans (fuck shrinkflation)
- anything made to market to the manosphere
What are your two favorite keyboard symbols?
I'm going to go with the octothorpe (I love the name) and em dash (no, I'm not an AI). I use both a lot. The tilde would be a close third—I don't use it as much, but it's definitely in my top ~10% of liked symbols.
If you could import a cultural quirk from another place or time to where you live and just dial it up to 11, what would it be?
For me, it would be the willingness to embrace the ephemerality of life, as seen in things like Japan's bizarre house designs, or the experimental vehicles of the 1910s and 1950s. We get a lot of cool character when folx aren't worried about resale value or appealing to the widest possible audience.
What's your vibe (in exactly four words)?
I think I'd be "wholesome-ish multiqueer activist lockpicker".
If you could be dictator in chief just long enough to make one order, law, amendment, etc. that your country had to follow, what would it be?
I'd declare that no one can own a building/property that they don't live in/on. Any buildings/properties forfeit by this law become public property.
What's something kind that you've done for someone else (or yourself) recently?
I reached out to an artist (after Fedi helped me track them down) to tell them how much I liked a drawing they did a decade ago. Then I encouraged my followers to go listen to their music and leave nice comments on their YouTube channel.
What's one of your favorite sci-fi movies?
I think I'll have to go with Demolition Man, because I hold out hope that Taco Bell will one day be a fine dining experience.
Who is the ____est non-human in a StarTrek series...and why?
*where ____ is a descriptor of your choice.
I would go for "T'ana" and "do these thoughts make me a furry"est. Why? Bank heist episode.
What's your favorite onomatopoeia?
Mine would have to be the moo of the heilan coo.
If you could snap your fingers and replace cars with any other existing mode (or two) of transportation—complete with all the infrastructure needed—what would you choose?
*note: it doesn't have to be practical.
Since Seattle is hilly and has a big North-South ridge, I'd go for a fast rail down the middle, and hanging gondolas from the train stations down into all the East–West neighborhoods. The rest would be mostly footpaths.
If there was a soundtrack for the best parts of your teens, what would be the first track on it?
I'm going to throw in "Daydream Believer" by The Monkees for myself.
What's your favorite collective noun? (feel free to make one up)
I've always been a fan of "a giggle of girls", "a mischief of mice", and "an aww of kittens".
Is pumpkin spice overrated?
Personally, I would've said "yes" up until a couple months ago when my girlfriend and I passed a signboard that made some reference to the holiday flavor, and she casually turned to me and said "you know, I'm kind of a punkin spice slut myself".
Since then, I've had a new appreciation for it.
If you could design your ideal midlife crisis, what would it look like?
Mine was an electric guitar and bass setup, a few new piercings, and (still in progress) an electric power modification for my old custom longboard.
If you were a beverage, what would you be, and why?
I think I'd be a strawberry-grapefruit margarita — a cool, bright pink, sweet-tart treat with a notably salty exterior.
If you could snap your fingers one time, and there'd be a cozy little (2 bed, 1.5 bath) house for you anywhere you wanted, where would it be and what kind of little house?
I'd choose a treehouse in Kona's cloud forest (I absolutely adore geckos).
What's your ideal cake or pie* (including toppings or sides)?
*and if you say "3.14159..." I'm going roll my eyes, but I'll take it.
Mine would be a dark chocolate-espresso ice cream cake, with a toffee-cookie crust, covered in thick whipped cream, fresh strawberry slices, and toasted coconut shavings.
What's your favorite theme park/fair/etc ride?
I'd have to go with the Guardians of the Galaxy drop ride at Disneyland. I went on it like half a dozen times while I was there. It takes you like 80' up, then alternates between free fall and raising you back up. The room is dark, save for a screen showing the GotG stuff, and it has a good soundtrack.
Honorable mention goes to the Slingshot, which they always have at the fair near where I live. It's basically a harness strapped to two really tall poles by some bungee cords, and it launches the person up, then they free fall and bounce a bunch, until they get winched back down for the next poor soul. When I was like 11 or 12, I watched some guy go up in it, barf at the apex when the direction changed to downwards, then get flung back up through the falling cloud. The whole line was screaming and scattering for shelter like Godzilla was coming or something. You could tell the guy realized what was about to happen as he bounced back up, because he tucked into a ball and tried to shield himself from his former fair fare as it hurled towards him. It was amazing.
What's the most beautiful sentence you can think of (in less than about 2 minutes)?
I'm going with "...and that's how our ancient ancestors discovered what the rich taste like".
What have you done that was kind to yourself (or someone else) recently?
I'll pick a fun one—I made a huge mob farm, iron farm, and trade hall for my kid, and all their friends, on my kid's Minecraft server.
If you could share one trivial "fun fact" about yourself with all my followers, what would it be?
Personally, I've been purposefully mismatching my socks for almost 20 years. Originally it was random, but now I usually match them to the primary and secondary, or complementary colors to my outfit. Today, however, they're both pastel blue, because I'm washing all my other fuzzy socks right now (and it's too cold to wear non-fuzzy ones).
Who/what is your favorite cartoon/comics character, and (optionally) why?
There are so many to choose from, but today I'm going to go with Hooty "the weird bird-worm" Hootsifer from Owl House, because I laughed myself to tears several times at his antics.
What's your favorite "controversial" food?
For me it's Brussels sprouts. So many people seem to dislike them, but I've loved them since I was little. They're like munchkin cabbages 😊
What's your most 🤢 food-related story (that's safe to share)?
When I was a kid, I used to like to drink milk out of giant cups (I'm talking like the plastic 32oz Big Gulp cups my step-dad would bring home).
One day in the summer, I was in the rather warm little loft area where the family computer was. I was enthralled playing an old video game called Heroes Quest, when I realized I had set my cup down somewhere and forgot it. So I waited until a good spot to run downstairs to (unrelatedly) use the restroom and find my cup. It was nowhere to be found downstairs, so I ran back to my game. At some point, I looked over at the book shelf and saw the cup sitting there, so I darted over to grab it, sat back down to play, and went to take a quick swig.
Turns out that wasn't the milk cup I had misplaced earlier that morning...it was one I'd misplaced days or maybe weeks ago.
It hadn't exactly gone sour, but it had formed a nice cheese layer over the top of the 80°F milk, which delayed the pour until I had turned the cup almost completely upsidedown.
And then it hit me—a plug of cream-cheese-like substance, followed by a sizeable amount of hot spoiled milk...all over my face, down my front, onto the office chair and carpet.
It honestly put me off milk for months, and made me wary of it to this day. I drink non-dairy "milks" now.
If you were a vinyl sticker, what would you be?
Me? I've already got so many good ones to choose from; all the hacker and lockpicking ones on my laptop (like "I Void Warranties for a Living"), all the butcher ones on my skateboard (like "Fresh Ground Rump"), and the queer ones on my electric guitar (like my "Nonbeenary" bee).
What's the oldest feeling thing you've owned?
Like, I have locks in my collection from the late 1800s, but the oldest feeling thing I think I've ever owned was as a little kid, I found a busted 8-track player in the local landfill along with a cassette that had "The Name Game" (1964) on it. I repaired the thing and got it working, though I only ever had two cassettes for it (I got really familiar with like 12 songs from the 1950s & 60s 😋).
What's your favorite type(s) of cheese1?
I'm a big fan of several of the Swiss and Norwegian cheeses myself; just had some Jarlsberg on my sandwich a moment ago 🤤
1 or, for the non-cheese crowd, "favorite type(s) of other non-cheese food that has notable types".
If you were a bug, what kind would you be?
I'd opt to be an orchid mantis—colorful, curious, and might eat someone.
If you made a playlist for your typical Saturday night, what would be the first song on it?
For personal reasons, I'd go with "Kitchen Light" by Xana.
But if I was going out, maybe "90s Kids" by Jax.
Which memeber of the Legion of Doom would you be most okay with inviting to your birthday party?
I'd go with Bane (as depicted in the Harley and Kiteman series)—poor thing, he deserves some cake.
What's your favorite #CAPTCHAlice question so far?
I think mine is this one:
https://lgbtqia.space/@alice/115574502923136677
If you could choose any color as your natural hair color, what would you pick?
As someone who has dyed their hair almost every color imaginable, this is a really hard question for me. My instinct would say baby pink, as it's my favorite color, but practically, maybe I should choose white or translucent, so I could easily dye it any color...like baby pink.
If you could swap the world's cats and dogs with two other things, and folx would continue as though their lives and pets had always been that way, what would you choose?
I really want to answer with something like "tiny fainting goats & giant rubber chickens" just for the laughs I'd get out of it.
If you were chocolate, what would you be?
I could see myself being strawberry white chocolate with praline. Sweet, a little fruity, not really chocolate, but "chocolate-adjacent", kinda crunchy, kinda nutty, but taken together, pretty pleasant.
Damn, now I want more chocolates...brb.
What insect do you think would look cutest in a tiny hat, and what kind of hat?
At my girlfriend's suggestion, I'm going to have to go with a ladybug in a cloche 🥰
What's one of your favorite bits of trivia from your field of expertise or hobby?
For me, I think it's the history of just how many lock manufacturers have fixed vulnerabilities and then reintroduced them to their products again a short while later. Combined with other companies ripping off older designs, it means that simple bypass techniques are all over the dang place.
And for a bonus, the default combo on most locks is all zeroes. It's scary how many people never change it, so it's always my first guess when opening combo locks.
Do you collect anything? Is there something you'd like to collect if you could? Why?
I collect locks, especially love locks. I've been doing actively so for almost 10 years, but I've had a fascination with them since I was a kid. There's something magical about locks—they're a physical ward, a warning, a promise, an idea. They mark something as off-limits, yet with skill they turn into little puzzles to be solved—often more interesting than very the thing they protect.
What's one of the coolest things you own?
I have a puzzle lockbox that was handmade by one of my friends, then delivered from Australia by another friend. It has three weird locks on it, one of which was designed and built by said friend, and the bitting on the key is shaped like my name. It's pretty fucking cool. I also have an antique 8-lever padlock that's stamped with "Mastodon" from circa the late 1800s.
If you could snap your fingers and instantly solve one major societal problem, what would it be? (like healthcare access, homelessness, institutional racism, etc)
I'd snap away performative masculinity. I think that would have a pretty strong ripple effect through most of the causes I care about.
What's something you've done recently1 that made you feel good about yourself as a person?
1 recently can be a relative term here.
For me it was just a little thing. Earlier today I welcomed someone to our community here, and they replied back to say thank you. I've been personally welcoming every new member I see, and ever member whose application I approve, for a couple years now (at least). I do it because it can be scary to join a new thing and not know anyone, so I try to help soften that a little.
Would you rather live in the Marvel or DC Cinematic Universe's Earth, and why?
I feel like the threats in the DCU are less world-ending than in the MCU, but when there aren't gods raining down death on the populace, the MCU seems more survivable. But in the DCU I might be able to date Beast Boy (hey, he's been reinvented so many times over the years that one of him has to be my age now).
If you could liquidate a billionaire and reallocate all their assets to the charity of your choice, which would you choose?
I'm going to be basic and say I'd choose to liquidate Musk and donate his assets to the Trevor Project.
What's your favorite thing about yourself?
Mine is that I try to be genuinely kind to, and interested in everyone I meet. I don't always succeed, and sometimes I run out of patience, but I feel like I do pretty well most of the time.
If you were the patron saint of something extremely specific, what would it be?
This is an easy one for me—it would totally be "Alice, Patron Saint of Love Locks".
Your capitalist fairy godparent grants you a tiny magic shop that will regenerate its inventory each morning as long as you run the place, but it can only sell one type of item (like books, or stuffed animals, or pygmy goats, etc), and will make just enough for you to live comfortably. What does it sell?
Folk can probably already guess my answer, but yes...mine would indeed sell cool locks.
You get to design a new competitive Olympic event, and all the official folx and media have to treat it like any other time-honored tradition. What is it?
I re-invent the high-dive, only it's sideways, out of a giant slingshot, into a huge vertical wall of Jello. Competitors get graded on style, technique, depth, and flavor choice.
You get to replace handshakes with some other form of greeting ritual, and everyone outside of your social circles will just treat it like it's always been that way. What's your new greeting?
As someone who always disliked shaking hands, I gotta pick butt-sniffing. I want to watch all the suits squaring off to greet each other at the next business conference I attend, while I die laughing with all my Covid-conscious queer and infosec friends.
After you accidentally step on their robe, a rather sarcastic and moderately disgruntled wizard looks deep into your soul and polymorphs you into an animal, what animal is it?
Were it me, I'd put 5ドル on being turned into a pygmy goat and left in a petting zoo; full of righteous anger, but too adorable to be taken seriously as I headbutt authority figures.
You must choose one highly-specific, and utterly trivial hill you're totally willing to die on. What is it?
(if you already have one, you may share it instead of choosing a new one)
For me, it's use of the term "guys" for groups that aren't all guys. I've found myself more and more annoyed the more I talk about it. Now, I'm like at the point that I'm railing against the default-masculinity of language to random strangers at the grocery store! Also, it's not trivial! Language is important—it shapes our perceptions! How many guys have you slept with, huh? Huh??
You know how powerful magical artifacts are created when some item lives an extraordinary life in the hands of some great sorceror or hero of legend? Okay, now scale it down a bit. What magical artifact do future adventurers find in your tomb/bedroom centuries from now?
They'd find "Alice's Temperamental Lockpick" which is a chaotic good lockpick that'll open nearly any lock, as long as you don't steal for personal gain, and you're kind to strangers. If you ever intentionally break either requirement, it'll vanish in a puff of glitter and appear in the pocket of the next person who needs it most.
Someone from the TED committee calls you about your upcoming TED talk. They won't let you get a word in edgewise as they rattle off the details of your accommodations, compensation, and contract for the talk. There's obviously been some mistake, but a follow-up email confirms your plane tickets for tomorrow and the payment into your bank account. Do you go? What's your talk about?
Fuck it, I only get a chance like this once; I go. My talk is titled "The Sucker-punch Problem of Social Media".
If you could open the tongue-in-cheek "achievements" tab of your life, what would be some of the achievement titles there that would require some explaining?
For me, it'd be:
- Furry Con Pelican Penetrator
- Soggy Salmon Savior
- Lascivious Love Lock Lover
What's something you've made that you're proud of?
I've made a lot of things, but most of the ones I'm most proud of were group efforts (like my kid, AltAfterDark, my community, etc), but one thing I made—by myself, and from scratch—was my first set of lockpicking tools. I wanted to see how hard it would be to start from a couple bits of scrap metal and a basic idea of how a lock worked. Those crude tools opened my first batch of padlocks, and now, years later, I'm Fedi's most well-known1 lockpicker, working with various security companies, teaching at conferences, and designing my own tools.
What's your favorite comfort food (or foods), and why?
I have two: chicken teriyaki and those frozen chicken pot pies. The both stem from my childhood. I grew up poor—not like "on the street" poor, but "we bought some nice shampoo once, and now we refill the bottle with bulk stuff, so it looks like we can afford nice shampoo" poor.
Anyway, I would get sick and stay home from school, but when I could keep food down again, my mom would spring for 7ドル chicken teriyaki from this little hole in the wall shop near where we lived, and I still associate it with feeling better.
The 99¢ pot pies were another kind of treat. Since I was a latchkey kid, I made food for myself (whatever was available in the cupboards or freezer). I ate a lot of toaster waffles and skimpy wonderbread sandwiches. But sometimes we'd get those pot pies when they were on sale, and I was (reluctantly) allowed to eat two at a time! So I associate them with being stuffed with a hot meal while I watched cartoons by myself.
Well fuck, this is the first #CAPTCHAlice that made me cry while answering my own question.
What real or imaginary world record would you have the best shot of holding the title for?
Earlier today, I would've said "Best Improvisational Lockpicking Tool" for my video of me opening a lock with a vibrator with an uwu fave drawn on it.
But then I beat the world speed-picking record this afternoon, so now I'd say that 😋
You get to propose a mashup between any two things, and someone will have to make a 3+ season TV series about it that meets your exacting vision...what is it?
I'd mashup Harry Potter and HeartStopper. That way all the queer folx that were so disappointed that JK turned out to be a raging FART would have their wizarding-world back, and JK would have to endure 3+ seasons of the gayest, transest, most wholesome Hogwarts teen romances I could dream up.