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ArnoldC, 286 bytes

HEY CHRISTMAS TREE c
YOU SET US UP 0
HEY CHRISTMAS TREE d
YOU SET US UP 0
GET TO THE CHOPPER c
HERE IS MY INVITATION a
HE HAD TO SPLIT b
ENOUGH TALK
GET TO THE CHOPPER d
HERE IS MY INVITATION a
I LET HIM GO b
ENOUGH TALK
TALK TO THE HAND c
TALK TO THE HAND d
YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED

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###How It Works HEY CHRISTMAS TREE c //DECLARE VARIABLE c = 0 YOU SET US UP 0 HEY CHRISTMAS TREE d //DECLARE VARIABLE d = 0 YOU SET US UP 0

GET TO THE CHOPPER c /*
HERE IS MY INVITATION a SET c = a/b
HE HAD TO SPLIT b 
ENOUGH TALK */
GET TO THE CHOPPER d /*
HERE IS MY INVITATION a SET d = a mod b
I LET HIM GO b
ENOUGH TALK */
TALK TO THE HAND c // PRINT c
TALK TO THE HAND d // PRINT d
YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED //END