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Left Hand vs. Right Hand — Typists Challenge

Your task is to pit each side of the keyboard against each other and build two programs, in the same language, one using only keys on the left-hand side of a standard keyboard that outputs Pollinium milk; plump pumpkin; lollipop?, and one using the keys on the right that outputs Weatherheaded sweetheart haberdasheress!.

Rules

The exact keys allowed for the left-hand program are:

123456!@#$%^QWERTYqwertyasdfghASDFGH`zxcvb~ZXCVB

and for the right-hand program:

7890-=&*()_+uiop[]UIOP{}jkl;'\JKL:"|nm,./NM<>?

There are four free keys Esc (\x1b), Tab (\x09), Space (\x20) and Enter(\x0a and/or \x0d) which can be used in either, neither, or both solutions.

Your score will be the total byte count for both programs. Whilst I've used the term program, your submissions can either be full programs, or functions as usual, and both can be different types (eg. one full program, and one function).

Your result must include the desired text, any amount of leading and trailing whitespace is fine, as long as the exact text appears within it.

Standard loopholes are forbidden.

The shortest solutions in each language win.

Answer*

# [Fission], 958 + 752 = 1710 bytes 

._.

### Left

 D
 z
 ^@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@~~~@!!@~~~@!@$$$$$@!@~~~~~@!@$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@~~~~~~~~@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@~~~~@!@$$$@!@~@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@~~~~@!@$$$$$$$$$@!@~~~~~~~~@!@$$$@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@$$$$$@!@~~~~~~~~@!@$$$@!@~~~~~@!@~~@!@$$$$$@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!@$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$@!@$$$@!@~~~@!!@~~~@!@$$$$$$$@!@~@!@$@!@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@!V

[Try it online!][TIO-ji1rmtis]

[Fission]: https://github.com/C0deH4cker/Fission
[TIO-ji1rmtis]: https://tio.run/##S8ssLs7Mz/v/34WriivOQQUTOChiE0VTUVdX56AIpRyQBBF8FLUwmTpqAsIOJQ1A3QcxFsQhw8H4tVDbxeiOxhbkqAKDNeyR0h1O54NpLKoGa/Qgux4ts8DTF1n@cFAM@/8fAA "Fission – Try It Online"


### Right

 } \} \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \} \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ } \ 
 O________________________________________I'/O\/O\__u'/O\____i'/O\++p'/O\___/O\_i'/O\__u'/O\___/O\_____i'/O\++p'/O\+++/O\+/O\_______/O\_i'/O\_________________________________________I'/O\_u'/O\++p'/O\____/O\___/O\_i'/O\_u'/O\/O\____i'/O\++u'/O\__u'/O\_________________________________________I'/O\_/O\+/O\+++/O\____/O\___/O\_i'/O\++p'/O\___/O\_i'/O\_u'/O\____/O\____i'/O\+++++++P'L

[Try it online!][TIO-ji1stznb]

[Fission]: https://github.com/C0deH4cker/Fission
[TIO-ji1stznb]: https://tio.run/##S8ssLs7Mz/v/X4F4UKsQA0RQFlwIQSGTqBxswuhSCD6RbkE3FIsrEC7GrpYU2xBuJs7T2FwIYXD5xxMJPNX1/WOAKD6@VB1Mxcdnghja2gVQPojMVEdRAlWIolJbWxtEwqRQ9JHiFoglCOvj0V1RCncx3AGlqM4jxTaomyGux2IdtnAoRXUaTCEYBKj7/P8PAA "Fission – Try It Online"

OK, here we are with plain luck, actually ._. 
First cool feature of Fission is that it has 4 commands to create command pointers, AKA atoms: `RLDU`, so I have two commands for left and right groups. 
Second lucky charm is 2 commands for output `!` and `O`, which occurs in different groups. 
Third time the charm. Both outputting comands output ASCII equivalent of atoms' mass. So I need to change it some how. Lucky me! Both `+ (+1 mass)` and `_ (-1 mass)` are in one group and all needed three `$ (+1 energy)`, `~ (-1 energy)`, `@ (swap mass and energy)` are in other group. 
>! Also there are mirrors to control atoms in both groups! But I didn't use them in first program

So there is nothing to stop me, but it can't be compact, setting masses step-by-step.

### First program

First program consists of only `Dz^@$~!V`

 D create atom, going down
 z set its mass to ASCII code of 'z'
 ^ split atom in 2, dividing their mass. One goes left, second - right

Start can be simplier (just `R`), but using divide saves some bytes for first letter. 
Atom, that goes left wraps around and encounters `V`, which makes him going down and wrapping indefinitely, doing nothing. 
Second atom goes rigth and will encounter bunch of repeated patterns `@...@!` for each letter to output. 

 @ swap atom's mass and energy
 ... increament or decrement energy until it would match desired ASCII code
 @ swap again
 ! print character by atoms mass

Eventually it will encounter `V` and share fate of first atom. There is no way to destroy them or halt with left part of keyboard.

### Second program

Second comes with its ups and downs. I've got comands to change mass directly, but output command `O` destroys atoms, so I need to preserve them somehow. 
Program starts on the right from `L` with atom going left. 

Repeated pattern: 

 } \
 /O\...X'

`'` puts next encoutered char's ASCII code in atoms' mass, so code of some `X` is stored first, than mass is changed by `_` and `+` to exact value. 
Sometimes `X'` is skipped, if it is shorter to use just `_` and `+`.

Atom comes from the left, mirrors two times and hits `}` from left. In this case `}` works like cloner, sending two identical atoms up and down. Down atom reflects by mirror and goes left. Up atom wraps, hits same mirror but from below and so reflects right, encountering `O` and printing. 
At the end last atom meets final `O` to be destructed.

If this is an answer to a challenge…

…Be sure to follow the challenge specification. However, please refrain from exploiting obvious loopholes. Answers abusing any of the standard loopholes are considered invalid. If you think a specification is unclear or underspecified, comment on the question instead.
…Try to optimize your score. For instance, answers to code-golf challenges should attempt to be as short as possible. You can always include a readable version of the code in addition to the competitive one. Explanations of your answer make it more interesting to read and are very much encouraged.
…Include a short header which indicates the language(s) of your code and its score, as defined by the challenge.

More generally…

…Please make sure to answer the question and provide sufficient detail.
…Avoid asking for help, clarification or responding to other answers (use comments instead).

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