The Thriver's Toolbox

I'm a bit behind on everything. I discovered this past weekend that there are things one needs to watch out for with dogs in warm climates that one doesn't worry too much about up north. Sigh It was a weekend of cleaning everything washable and shoveling unpleasant medicine down her throat. But the medicine worked and apparently I caught it right away and we're back on track.

I'm finding—big surprise!—that the more consistent I am, the clearer the boundaries are, the calmer and safer Sophy seems to feel. Gee, does that sound familiar anyone? I've come to realize that efforts to be too soothing and kind can misfire badly so that neither she nor I benefit. Does that sound familiar? She is supposed to be a year or a little over that. Perhaps. But clearly, emotionally she's younger—probably due to being swapped around a different bunch of homes to be fostered so that she still has huge abandonment issues though that's getting better, too. Again, sound familiar anyone?

I'm probably repeating things I've said before. But it's useful to understand that there are consistent patterns because a) it encourages us to look for currently dysfunctional patterns we might be playing out and to create new and healthier patterns in our lives and b) it takes away any guilt that we feel what we feel and need what we need.

Fortunately Sophy seems to be a very quick learner. She's also brave. Even after a bath that left her shaking with fright the whole time, she willingly came back into that bathroom later in the day to see what I was doing. Which means that if things have scared her in the past, she can learn to get past them now and discover they don't always have to be scary. (I'm not saying she'll get to like baths, but I'll bet she doesn't shake nearly as much next time.)

I don't know if I'm making a whole lot of sense. I've had a ton of work suddenly land in my lap this week and that combined with the extra work with Sophy has my head spinning. Hope that all of you are having discoveries of your own and reason for laughter because in the end, the more reasons we find to laugh, the more we realize that NOW we can be happy.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Just a quick note to let anyone know who was worried that Hurricane Ike missed where I am completely. Not even any rain out of it! Meanwhile, I'm dealing with Sophy having stuff she probably picked up in the shelter so...lots of laundry loads, trying to give her a bath and get foul tasting medicine into her and deal with her reaction to said medicine.....

Hope all of you are doing well. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

We might be getting a hurricane here. We'll know more a day from now. Meanwhile, it brings back memories of the year my daughter started college. She was trying to pack, her dad and I were frantically trying to keep up with the water seeping into our family room from the hurricane outside, and we didn't know if her flight would even take off in the morning.

A couple of years later, 9/11 hit shortly before my daughter was supposed to go back to college. We had family and friends in NYC. We talked about her options to get out to college if the planes stayed grounded and we talked about life and what mattered and of the grief we felt over all the lives lost in the twin towers.

If the current storm continues to head our way I'll bring in all my potted plants and anything else that could be tossed around by high winds. I'm ready if we have a few days without power.

When I think of 9/11, when I read about or experience things like a hurricane, I remember not just what went wrong, but also the things people do to help each other in such times of crisis.

Every crisis is a chance for each of us to rise above our fears. Each crisis is a chance for us to look at our lives and decide what matters most. May we always remember the lives lost on 9/11 and may we always celebrate the courage and concern for others that we also saw that day.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

As Sophy and I learn to live with each other, I find myself thinking what a good match we are—both intelligent and resilient and capable of love despite all odds. And those were very long odds. If there is anyone who can understand her fears of abandonment, it's a survivor like me. If there's any dog who could make me laugh enough to overlook some of the challenges, it's one who can stand up on her hind legs and figure out how to open a sliding patio glass door with her snout and front paws. (I was too startled and laughing too hard to think to take a picture!)

Sophy is reminding me that too much self-sacrifice isn't good for either party.

She is remind me that clear rules and boundaries are easier on everyone.

She is reminding me that play is an important part of the day—all through the day.

She is reminding me that one can be loving and still speak up for oneself whenever necessary.

I'm sure as heck getting more exercise since I got Sophy!

She's reminding me that we can defy the odds. We can choose who we will be no matter what our backgrounds might have been and learn to get past old hurts to trust when trust would seem to be impossible.

Here's hoping you have someone or an animal in your life who reminds you of things like this, too.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Yes, I'm still delighted with Sophy. I love discovering how clever she can be—and how sweet. We've had a tussle or two over who is alpha but we're getting that sorted out too—in a loving way. Gently. With firm boundaries but not anger. I see her exploring issues of safety and abandonment and am glad that I can provide her the love and safety she deserves.

As I've watched various things happen this past week, I find myself thinking that one good thing about being a survivor is that we are—I think—far more likely to be willing to question our own assumptions and to look for ways to grow and stretch our comfort zones.

I have watched my ex-husband's family fuss about my daughter coming to visit her grandmother and have talked with her about how we cannot change anyone—we can only choose who we want to be and act in ways that are consistent with what we value most. We've talked about not letting the ideas of others limit us and stepping back, taking a deep breath and trusting that we will find solutions.

I've watched my daughter play with Sophy and seen what comfort that brings both of them.

I've talked with friends who are going through difficult moments and reminded myself of the costs of being dogmatic and angry and the power in being willing to let go of those things and trust that each day the path will reveal itself.

As I've interacted with Sophy and looked for ways to successfully integrate her into my life, I've noticed that when I start to get upset, it all gets worse and when I am willing instead to let go and love, I can figure out what will work best—for both of us.

There is power in choosing who we want to be and how we want to live our lives. There is comfort in knowing we are living in a way that is consistent with what we most value.

Now for a Sophy story. You knew there was going to be one, didn't you? Today I left Sophy alone for an hour—the longest since I brought her home. Put her in a room with a gate at the doorway. Came home to be greeted AT THE DOOR by Sophy. The clever girl had figured out how to pull the gate open on one side (it's only pressure mounted) and slip through the opening. Now since there were no accidents and she hadn't gotten into or damaged anything, I wasn't as upset as I might have been. If anything, I have to keep from laughing at how clever she is. She was extremely pleased with herself, I might add, and who could blame her?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

Well, I have my new dog. Since she came from a shelter, there's no way to be sure what her parentage might be. She's probably about a year old and weighs 45 pounds—bigger than I thought.

I grew up with dogs. At times they were my greatest refuge. At the shelter they told me this one is “needy.” Maybe. She did want to play at 4 am. On the other hand, maybe what she needs is just to know she's safe. She's lying on her fleece blanket sleeping as I type.

One of the good things about adopting a 1 yr old dog is that she's pretty much housebroken. I've housebroken puppies before and am just as glad not to have to deal with that this time.

It's odd to have to change how I do things. And a part of me resists that. But another part of me is glad knowing that it's really important to shuffle our schedules and do things new ways. Plus it's sooooo soothing to pet a dog! And nice to get unconditional love. I have no doubt that in a week or two we'll settle in nicely and I'll know how long I can leave her alone and how much exercise she needs and she'll know what she can do and what she can't.

After waiting what seems like forever, everything happened very fast.

Here's hoping you have some unconditional love in your life this week! Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

First, no word yet on adopting the dog. Silence there.

Second, my daughter (and I) just found out her grandmother (my ex-mother-in-law) has Alzheimer's. No one told the grandkids. Don't ask me why. My daughter is scrambling to find a way to go visit her grandmother before classes start in the fall. And furious that no one told her sooner. The family seems surprised she thinks it's a big deal or that she wants to come and see her grandmother NOW.

Silences. No matter what the reason, silences hurt. It's too easy to misunderstand why no one spoke or shared information. It's upsetting not to be given the option to act—because one didn't know what was going on.

Silences hurt when no one tells about abuse.

Silences hurt when there is a secret that keeps someone from helping or spending time with a person who is slipping away.

Silences hurt when no one knows why.

Silences hurt even when no harm is meant.

It's easy to recognize the silences that hurt US. The greater challenge is to recognize those silences on our part that may hurt others. Sometimes we think it's a kindness. Or we're afraid we'll say the wrong thing. Or maybe we just feel overwhelmed.

This week has been a reminder for me that regardless of our reasons, silences can hurt. Sometimes silences ARE necessary. I know that all too well. It's just good to be consciously aware of the choices we make and the potential pitfalls when it comes to silences.

Here's hoping there are no hurtful silences in your lives now or ever again. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

You wouldn't think getting a dog would bring up so many emotions. Well, one expects emotions such as excitement, some concern about what having a dog will entail, etc. I found something else, though, when I started seriously looking for a dog to adopt over the past week or two.

I'd been thinking about it for some time. I assumed I wanted a collie or a sheltie but kept thinking it wouldn't be fair to the dog when the summers get so hot here. (We've already had over 40 days where the high was over 100 degrees this summer and since it's only the beginning of August we can expect quite a few more. Dearly as I love collies and shelties I can't help but feel it would be selfish of me to have one here.) But...maybe. Did I want to find a breeder or rescue a dog from a shelter? There were financial, ethical and breed specific issues to consider.

I started looking. The only dog I found that I liked—and she is such a sweetheart!—is probably a spaniel pointer mix. (Maybe. Since she's in a shelter, no one knows for sure.) Great! Except...it threw me. I found all kinds of emotions welling up. When I stepped back, I realized that having collies is tied up in my mind/emotions with the situations I was in when I had them. My collies were my refuge then and there were reasons they were the only kind of dog my family would consider.

Not getting a collie meant challenging assumptions I'd had for so long—and didn't realize I had.
Not getting a collie also meant letting go of that part of my life and stepping into new possibilities. Which should have been a no brainer GOOD thing! But our minds seem to be wired to fear new possibilities—at least mine is. I had to consciously choose to remind myself that this could be great in terms of freeing my mind to see lots of things in a new way.

Not getting a collie felt like betraying the ones I'd once had—especially once I admitted to myself that they hadn't been perfect and/or that maybe I didn't want some of the challenges that go with caring for a collie.

I went 3 times to look at the dog. The first two times it was as if I was afraid to let myself get attached to her. And yet...in so many ways she's a perfect choice. There's something about her. She's a sweetheart. Even though she comes from a shelter, she was fostered for 6 months (since she was a puppy) so she's socialized to a large degree. She's trained to walk with the person holding her leash—rather than tugging them over (the way my collies sometimes used to do). She's not too large, she's not too small. She has the calmest temperament of any dog I've ever owned. And did I mention that I can take her for walks without her trying to pull me over?

But I wanted to be sure I'd truly fall in love with her—because every dog deserves to be loved. I waited to be sure I could welcome her with joy into my life.

And now I've finally put in the application. Assuming it gets approved, I may have her home by this time next week. (They will spay, microchip, test and vaccinate her before I get to take her home. That's AFTER they process my application and assuming they approve it.)

I didn't expect the emotional stuff all of this brought up. At the same time, I'm thrilled to be able to let go of leftover limiting beliefs I didn't know I had. I share this with all of you because knowing that things can bring up unexpected emotions when we least expect it makes it easier to cope—at least for me—when they do. And hey, you're my friends so I figure it's good to share my happiness with you, too! And I am happy that soon—I hope!— I'll be bringing home my new dog.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

Jumping in Puddles asked a great question: How do we bounce back from emotional hangovers?

The first step is recognizing this is what's happening and that we don't have to feel this way—we have a choice.

Second step is doing what I call emotional aerobics. This means:

1)Reminding ourselves of every situation we have been able to handle, every success of our lives, every strength we have, every reason that exists for us to believe we can cope with what is happening.

2)Doing things that make us smile and therefore reminding ourselves that NO MATTER W HAT we can have moments of joy in our lives.

3)Asking what good could come out of the situation.

When we do these things we are reminding ourselves that we are not hostages to anyone else or any events in our lives ANY MORE. It is how we choose to handle the challenges that arise in our lives that determines the quality of our lives.

I know that's hard to believe when we're in the middle of a difficult situation. Believe me, it took conscious effort and daily aerobic emotional exercises to cope with the chaos of my visit back to NJ. And even so it took me a week to shake off all the effects—in large part because until the emotional hangover lifted, I didn't even recognize that was what was going on. Even so, doing the 3 steps above made a huge difference.

I didn't get mired in fear based thinking. I didn't retreat to old behavior patterns with my ex or with my son. I didn't give in to depression. I did manage to find some things to bring back with me. I did manage to be upbeat with my son and set appropriate limits. I did manage to cope with the crises that kept arising—without getting drawn into doing things my ex asked me to do that are no longer appropriate (like finding and buying 4 new tires for his car).

Remembering that we DO have choices, that we can create moments of joy, that we can choose how we respond to situations is immensely powerful AND the key to bouncing back from emotional hangovers.

Here's hoping all of you keep bouncing back from any emotional hangovers you might be facing! Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs))))))).

April_optimist
'
PS Check out what Keepers has done with some of the sayings from my Survivor's Manifesto!

Well, I've figured it out. Emotional hangovers last about one week after I get back from NJ and dealing with my ex and the old house. One week to shake off those patterns into which I sometimes fall. One week to shake off the self-doubt and depression. One week to remember who I am NOW and how good my life is NOW. One week to shake off the regrets and self-recriminations.

Now I can get back to my work whole heartedly. Now I can put my mind to really looking at what I want to do and have in my life. One week to be back to laughing and feeling good.

Whew!

What triggers YOUR emotional hangovers—and how long does it take YOU to get over them?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),

April_optimist

One of my deepest fears for my son, when he was born, was that he would end up in an institution where he would be abused. His behavior issues in the past ten years woke fears I'd once put to rest. So....you can imagine the mix of emotions I felt when I went to look at the group home while I was in NJ last week.

It was wonderful. It was everything I could hope for, for my son. It is a place where he can be safe and grow and let go of old habits as he gains new ones that might actually serve him well. No matter how good a mother I could be, I can't give him the opportunities he will have there. It was good to be able to put aside that fear.

Now...hopes and dreams. A friend of mine likes to say that hopes and dreams die last. I thought I'd put mine to rest. And this visit sure reaffirmed I was right to divorce my ex. But....I came back grieving. Grieving for the knowledge that I can't grow old with the person who watched our children grow up with me, the father of those children, a person with whom I shared my life for 30 years. Even if I find someone else, that person won't know those years, those challenges, those triumphs and the moments of despair.

It's painful to grieve. It would be worse to pretend I didn't feel these things. Knowing and grieving will let me move on to the next phase of my life more completely than if I didn't.

Let me be clear: I do NOT feel sorry for myself! I had the courage and wisdom to get out. I had the skill to do so in a way that left me options. There just was this piece of grieving that I didn't know still needed to be done.

So I'm back home. I'm catching up on things I couldn't do while I was gone. I've been grieving and now I'm starting to look forward rather than back. Because now I can. I have choices. I have time and space to work on creating the life I want to have. Including maybe getting a dog—though I haven't found the right one yet.

But I move cautiously. It would be part of my nature to do so even if there hadn't been so much abuse in my life in various forms. I am wary of old patterns. I am still feeling out what it is I want—and what it is I believe I can have. And I am rewriting any beliefs I discover that no longer serve me.

Here's hoping you are all rewriting the beliefs that no longer serve you—and discovering what could make YOU happy. Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

Some things I realized this past week. Some are liberating. Some make me cringe—except better to have the self-awareness and know so that I can be on guard against playing out those patterns in the future.

I wanted safe. I married my ex because he wasn't intimidating. Only there isn't much safe about someone who lets you drive on the freeway after midnight in a car where the tire was down to 12 pounds of pressure earlier in the day. Or who creates constant chaos. (Did I mention he also “forgot” to tell me about the broken pipe in the laundry room and I discovered it when my son did laundry and the floor flooded?)

I also tried to be the "easy" wife. No drama, no hassles, only a partner who would be of value. I didn't realize he'd value me less, not more because I did.

When I was married, there was a payoff in the chaos. People felt sorry for me and angry on my behalf. And I felt safer because if I didn't want to do something I could use the chaos as an excuse.

I want and need calm in my life. I no longer want chaos.

I can walk away from the house knowing I was wise not to try to keep it.

I know that even if I were the best mother in the world, there are things my son will gain by being in the group home that I could not have given him.

I know that had I gotten custody, my son would not get into a group home for several more years—if ever.

I was reminded how much happier I am where I am now than where I was living for so long.

I can watch my ex with his girlfriend and be happy they found each other. And know that I feel no regrets over choosing to walk away.

I only had a chance to contact one or two old friends. Even in these friendships, I could see patterns I am choosing not to repeat in new friendships here. They were what they had to be when I was married, but as I change, as I grow I can choose different friends and healthier friendships.

It is neither wise nor useful to see myself as having been a martyr. There were choices I could have made. I didn't make them because I was too afraid. Trying to be safe is sometimes the most dangerous thing we can do.

In the midst of all this, a friend died unexpectedly. She hadn't even been sick. I got back here in time for the funeral yesterday. It was a reminder to LIVE, really live—not just endure.

My daughter is coming over for lunch tomorrow. She wants to help me find a dog to adopt. I will cherish the time we spend together and be grateful for her presence here in town while she gets her PhD. And I will know that the best gift I can give her is to see that at any age one can make new choices, at any age one can change and grow, at any age one can create a healthier and happier life.

Here's hoping that each of you are creating the lives YOU want to have.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

It's pouring rain which means the carpeted family room is about to start flooding.

There's no umbrella in the house and my son has to get to the bus to get to his day program.

The downstairs toilet is overflowing any time water goes down the drain in any other part of the house.

And my ex isn't answering his cell phone so I can ask:
a) Where are the umbrellas?
b) What plumber does he use to clear out the drain from the street to the house.

Add to that not telling me the tire on the car was low on air and you have a pretty good picture of what my life was like all the time for close to 30 years. I call it the theater of the absurd.

Now, one way or another I'll manage. I always did. If I can't find out what plumber my ex uses I'll just go down the list in the yellow pages. (Though a plumber who knows the recurring problem would save time.) The tire got plugged. If need be I'll drive my son to his program. And to hell with the carpet flooding, if it comes to that.

As I said, this gives you an idea of what my life was like for so many years.

I am so grateful that it is only occasionally that I have to deal with this kind of chaos any more. It reminds me how and why I felt overwhelmed for so many years. It reminds me, too, of old patterns and the need not to fall into them again.

Being a martyr isn't nearly as useful as taking action to deal with whatever one needs to deal with—AND getting away from someone who creates perpetual chaos. (Not having the problems in the first place beats the sympathy one gets from having to cope with chaos.)

I no longer assume the problem is me (because who would be crazy enough to do this kind of stuff....I MUST be missing something).

I don't waste time trying to analyze his motives. Doesn't matter. He is who he is and not likely to change. If there's something to deal with, I deal with it.

I give voice to my unhappiness now—rather than trying to smooth things over or pretend they don't matter. These things do matter. I matter.

I CAN MAKE CHOICES. I can make choices about how I handle things now, while I'm here, and I can make choices about what I will do in the future.

And in a couple of days I can go home. Away from the chaos.

What is YOUR theater of the absurd and what choices could you make that would make your life easier or better? What are the patterns you might want to change about how you act and react to situations?

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))))),
April_optimist

When I go back to the old house to see my son, I never manage to successfully anticipate the form the weirdness will take. It makes for...interesting visits and I always feel like Alice in Wonderland. Well, except when I feel like Sisyphus trying to roll the boulder up the hill, over and over again....

This visit is no exception. As I like to say, my ex has been very good about making sure I couldn't possibly second guess my decision to divorce him.

That said, it's interesting to see how, each time I visit, I'm less likely to get sucked into the chaos. I'm quicker to recover after I get sand bagged. I'm more able to say to my ex: No, I won't do that for you. I'm less likely to freak out and start screaming: Are you out of your freaking mind?????

Ahem. Sorry about that. Seriously, it's always a good reality check for any fantasy “what ifs?” that I might have been having. It's a reminder that things really were as chaotic as I remember. It's a reminder that while I might wish all I want that things had been different, there's no way they were going to be. NOT because he or I were bad people but because the dynamic between us was destructive to both of us. Even the counseling we tried couldn't change that.

And seeing my son and trying to work with him, reminds me why the fantasy of how I wish things could have been with him wasn't going to happen either.

In any case, it's all a reminder that one can't go back, we can only go forward. We can only ask ourselves:

What's the best choice I can make NOW, in THIS moment?

How can I be the person I want to be in THIS moment?

What do I want to accomplish? What's the best way to do that—if it's possible?

All we have is THIS moment. And in this moment we have the power to choose who we will be. NOW. We can't control the outcome of what we do or how anyone else will act or react. We can choose whether or not we will act in alignment with our highest values.

One of my highest values is love and empathy—perhaps because those who abused me were so self-focused. What I have come to know is that it's okay to be loving AND protective of myself as well. Being loving does not have to equal being a doormat! Knowing that I can protect myself means I don't have to scream at my ex when he fails to be protective. (As in discovering he had me drive his car alone with my son after midnight on a freeway when he knew a tire might be very, very low on air.)

So I will spend this week with my son, loving him and helping him get emotionally ready for the group home. I will let go—as much as I can—of how I wish things had been. And I will honor how far we've all come. (And catch up on reading blogs when I get back home.)

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist

We survivors are accustomed to thinking of ourselves as victims. And we were. But....what if....we have more power NOW than we ever realized?

No, I'm not crazy! Really! I swear it! Mind you, had anyone said that to me ten years ago, I'd have run the other way—sure they were making fun of me or crazy or totally out of touch with my reality. And yet, today, I really believe it's true.

What do I mean and how can it possibly be true for all of us?

1) We have the power to choose how we think about situations in our lives.
We can choose to look for the good we can bring out of every situation in which we find ourselves. We do not have to just think about what's bad about the situation. And in looking at the good we can bring out of it, we empower ourselves to move forward.

2) We have the power to choose how we will respond—or to choose not to do so.
We can consciously choose whether we will fight or talk or take quiet action. We do not have to keep playing out old patterns or react to life. We can choose to be pro-active.

3) We have the power to decide we will believe—about ourselves and the world around us.
We took in messages, growing up and because of the abuse that probably do not serve us very well any longer. We can choose to challenge any that hold us back from becoming who we want to be and having the kind of life we want to have. We do not have to hold onto the shame and guilt. We can place it where it belongs—with our abusers.

4) We have the power to choose how we see ourselves.
We can choose to see ourselves as strong, capable, competent, wonderful, joyful human beings.

What if all of that is true? What if we really do have that kind of power? Then we go from being victims to being thrivers.

That can be a scary thought if being a victim has had any kind of emotional or real world payoff for us. And yet, if we choose to see ourselves as powerful, capable human beings then possibilities open up for us. We are likely to draw into our lives emotionally healthier people than before. People who can love and support us and see us as the wonderful human beings we really are.

If it's too hard to see these things as true NOW for you, try it as a What If game. What IF I had the power to choose....? What if I could be strong and capable and able to choose my reality?

I know that as I go to stay with my (down syndrome) son this week I will keep asking myself: What if it all works out wonderfully well? What if I am able to let go and say good-bye to a house that once held so many hopes and dreams for me? What if I am able to be strong enough to truly wish happiness for my ex-husband and all that is happening for him now? What if I am wise enough to know the right things to say and do with my son so that his transition to group housing does go smoothly? What if I am fully aware of how much stronger and wiser I am than I ever knew when I was still married?

Every survivor's blog I visit, no matter how much pain is on the page or how evident the feelings of helplessness sometimes, I also see incredible strength and resilience and a beautiful spirit. It's time for all of us to claim that wonderful truth—that no matter what anyone has ever told us about ourselves, we are joyful, beautiful, courageous and wonderful spirits here in this world and we are profoundly fortunate to have the internet so that we can connect with each other.

Wishing for each of you a true sense of your very real power—this week and always. Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs))))))),
April_optimist

I suspect that's not a question we ask ourselves very often. We are far more likely to focus on who we think we should be. I wonder how many of us have ever sat down and written out who we are, what we like, etc. If we haven't, I suspect it's because we're afraid that we won't like what we discover or that it won't be good enough.

I still remember my shock, a few years ago, after my divorce, when I realized that my ex-husband's opinions notwithstanding, maybe it was okay to like using an automatic coffee maker!

What if we started with the proposition that whoever we are is okay and that our job is to figure out how to create a life that supports and empowers who we are—not who we think we should be? What if we asked what sort of schedule would best suit our natural body rhythms? Our preferences for working alone vs with others? What if we asked ourselves whether we liked creative freedom or being told what to do? What if we asked ourselves what kind of people we LIKED to be around? What if we asked ourselves what level of intimacy suited us? What if we asked ourselves what would make us happy?

What if we truly believed there were no right or wrong answers—only information that could let us create happy, productive lives?

What if....?

As a writer, I ask myself that question all the time about the lives of my characters. But it's an equally powerful question to ask about my own life. In my writing, I can't know what will work with a character until I know who they are and how they feel and what is going to suit them and what won't—no matter how much they try to make something fit that won't. In my own life, I'm trying to step back and figure out exactly who I am and what best suits me—rather than doing what I did for so many decades which was to try to be who I thought I should be and who other people wanted me to be.

This may sound like a selfish thing to do but in the end it gives the greatest odds that we and the people we bring into our lives may actually be able to be happy.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_Optimist

Survivor's Manifesto

I'm in one of those moods so here's my Survivor's Manifesto. If I repeat myself, it's intentional:

1) Don't judge where I am. You don't know where I started or how complicated my journey has been.

2) Don't pity me or assume I'm fragile or flawed. I may very well be stronger, more resilient, courageous and creative than you are.

3) Respect the courage it took to survive.

4) Respect the resilience I've shown becoming who I am in spite of the abuse or trauma I experienced.

5) Respect the creativity and intelligence I used to survive.

6) Expect the best of me AND believe that ultimately I can do anything I choose to do—including fully heal.

7) Don't assume my emotions are a flaw.

8) Laugh with me.

9) Don't give glib answers or ideas. I KNOW deep down what I need to do next.

10) Don't freak out on me, no matter how horrible it was, I DID survive.

11) Don't minimize what happened or ask me if I want a book on Christian forgiveness. If it felt
bad to me it was. I'll forgive if and when I'm ready to do so.

12) Set limits that protect you and understand that sometimes I won't know what those limits should be—BUT I CAN LEARN.

13) Accept the boundaries I set. You can negotiate but don't cross those boundaries unless I agree.

14) Understand that I won't tolerate bullies.

15) What matters is not what you intend but how it feels to me.

16) I'm not a patsy. I may go extra far to be nice and keep things calm, but try to take advantage too much or disrespect me and I'm gone.

17) I'm just as smart, courageous and resilient as you are and maybe more so.

18) Just because you don't get it doesn't mean I'm wrong!

19) I'm always questioning my assumptions and working to change and improve my life—are you? If not, don't ever be condescending or act as if you're superior to me!

20) If you want my trust EARN IT!

21) Just because you don't want to believe it could happen to nice people or in families like yours doesn't mean I should stop telling the truth.

22) Treat me with respect. I don't care who you are or what your credentials might be or what success you have achieved in life. I'll stack my courage, resilience, strength and creativity against yours any day.

23) I am the expert on who I am and what I need. You may not believe that and sometimes what I say or do might contradict what you think you know but there is no way you can have as complete access to who I am and what has happened to me as I do. TRUST ME.

24) Trust me to know what I need to do next.

25) Trust that I am doing the best I can every day of my life.

26) Trust that I can and will heal.

27) Trust that finding joy in my life is the surest way to my creating a happy, healthy life—NOT scolding or blaming or otherwise feeling bad.

28) If you want to help, TRUST ME.

29) If you want to help, BELIEVE IN ME.

30) If you want to help, encourage me to see my successes and strengths NOT focus on my weaknesses.

31) Never, ever encourage me to wallow in my pain! I don't care how angry I get, remind me again that you believe in me and that you believe I can heal NO MATTER HOW BAD THE PAST MAY HAVE BEEN.

32) What seem to you like weaknesses may actually be the foundation of my strengths.

33) Treat me with respect and kindness and trust and look for the best in me because that is what every human being deserves.

Wishing for each of you reading this post respect, kindness, trust, and people who believe in YOU.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle (((((((hugs)))))),
April_optimist

I realized at a very early age that I was going to have to look for parenting role models outside my family. I knew even as a young child that neither of my parents were who I wanted to be like when I grew up. And over the decades I found myself making note of those qualities I thought made a good parent—and tried to adopt as many as I could as I raised my children.

Some of the qualities of a good father (or mother, for that matter...):

1) Sees and nurtures the best in the child—and helps the child build on those strengths.

2) Encourages the child to believe in him or herself.

3) Loves deeply and gives of himself AND sets good limits on the child's behavior.

4) Helps out the child whenever it's a good idea AND knows when to step back and allow the child to discover what he or she can do on his/her own.

5) Admits mistakes and knows how to apologize.

6) Cheers on a child's success AND knows that surviving failure can be just as important and sometimes more so and helps the child know that failure is NOT the end of the world but only a beginning to the next steps forward.

7) Teaches the child financial responsibility, how to handle credit and the value of deferred gratification.

8) Reads and reads to his child and encourages a love of learning—whether book learning or life skills.

9) Encourages a child to be true to him or herself AND to think about others as well.

10) Sets an example of moderation in all things.

11) Is willing to be silly and play like a child.

12) Is willing to be a grownup and make the hard decisions when that's what's called for.

13) Cares enough to set limits and hold to them.

14) Shows the child how to be as safe as possible in a sometimes uncertain world AND encourages that child to LIVE, really LIVE even if that sometimes entails risks.

15) Understands that the harm a parent does goes far deeper than any harm anyone else can do just as the good is better than anyone else can do--AND HE CHOOSES TO DO THE GOOD.

I have known some wonderful men in my life. It wasn't just luck—I looked for them. Because I knew that I didn't want to live afraid or believing that every man would be abusive or hurt me. I am profoundly grateful to those men who helped me feel safe or helped me to grow to become the person I am now. Some of those men have done both. Some have been friends or married to friends and it was/is a joy to watch how loving some relationships can be.

Today I honor all those men who have been truly loving fathers—or tried their best to be.

Sending blessings and safe and gentle ((((((hugs)))))),

April_optimist