"I love you so much, I'm gonna give your love handles friction burns!"

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"That's a new dress. See? I notice things. I also notice that you look disgusting in that dress. See? Noticed."

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"Okay, Captain Salad, time to meet your doom! And your little sidekick Garnish Boy can just fuck off."

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Sometime, when I hear Adam talking in his sleep, I have trouble understanding exactly what he's said, and he has to help me decipher it from the recording in the morning. This was a particularly disastrous example of that:

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"Happy Birthday! It's a dead puppy! ... Now listen, you: you didn't specify a live puppy, you just said you wanted a fucking puppy! Jesus you're spoiled. Now go take it for a drag."

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I suppose this has something to do with the fact that we're celebrating Adam's daughter's birthday tomorrow. I hope she appreciates our gift more than this ungrateful child liked STM's.

"Where'd you put the pelican food? Where'd you put the pelican food?! They're gonna be really cross if we don't get the pelican food. Shit. I found the toys for the toucans, but I need the pelican food. If you don't find their food, I'll find a reason to punch you in the face. I'm not going out there without the pelican food. Fuck it, you can go out there. You explain it to them. They're all beaky and flappy. Once they get excited, they just cause a mess. There's no reasoning with them, either. Nope. Unreasonable beaky twats. Big mouth fuckers. Find their food!"

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"Oi. Oi! One pound?! Tooth fairy, ya thieving short-changing cunt! A fucking pound? What am I meant to do with that, you cheap shit?"

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Meanwhile, my brother and his girlfriend are visiting from the States, and early this morning Adam woke himself up yelling, just about the loudest he has ever done so. I'll have to ask them later today if they heard it down the hall.

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(rest of the reveal below)

"Congratulations. You may now wipe your face on my butt cheeks."

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"Oh! It's a outtie revolution! Us innies gotta stick together and ride this shit out."

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"You can't talk to me like that. No you can't. No, see, let me break your face with this brick, then staple your bloody fucking mouth back together again. NOW, you can talk to me like that."

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When STM said this, Adam was dealing with a particularly difficult client at work.

Here's a first: When STM kicked off talking last night, he came out with this:

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Starts off okay, but soon goes off the rails, poor thing.

He then said a couple other things (which I've tucked into the nest-egg). But finally, he came back around to give it another go:

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I guess even STM has his tough nights.

"Here's my CV. Why don't you just file it under 'Awesome'."

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Does everyone in the States know that CV = resume?

This conversation is from the beginning of the night, shortly after we got into bed:

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We're back from our sloth adventure! Here's one of the sanctuary-inspired gems that STM came up with:

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A few relevant notes here:

1. That evening, we had been talking about the spine-chillingly bad modern B movie "Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus".

2. One of the tasks involved in preparing the sloths' afternoon meal was to peel a hundred of the most ENORMOUS carrots you've have ever seen.

3. At the sanctuary, there is a life-sized statue of a 25-foot sloth ancestor from the dinosaur-era.

"Walking on water, and turning water into wine. Yayyyyy! I like magic tricks."

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My apologies to all the Christian folks out there.

"I'm the best present you've ever had. A perfect love package. Handle with care."

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"I can honestly say that from the state of your kids, you must have one fucked up ugly vagina."

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"Oh, it's a sad sad sad day when gumming someone pushes you down the social pecking order."

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"That's a sheep! I don't care how hard you kick it, it's never gonna be a cloud… Kick it again. Huh, huh. Funny."

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"And so the moral of the story is, don't be upset when people think of you as a mucus-filled vaj-sack. Because they will."

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"That marmoset stole my earring! We are NOT carrying on until that bitch gives it back… Well, actually, it looks quite cool when it wears it. Mmm. New romantic marmoset, I like it."

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"Scissors. I need to find scissors. Gotta cut the yellow wire. Yellow. Shit, red wire! It's the red one, red... Fuck it, it's the green? Oh, suck this, I'm going home, you deal with it!"

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