Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
20120131
Jan 31 2012
"Sex with you is like an autopsy, and you're the cadaver."
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This post has been pre-scheduled. We're off volunteering at a sloth sanctuary!
Your daily dose of sloth:
20120130
Jan 30 2012
"Oh, humanity. You can go suck my fat hairy balls. I made you and I can break you whenever I want. See that? That's free will too, you know. I created that too."
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Well, we've gone off to Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary. But do not despair, for I have pre-scheduled posts!
And, as a special bonus, you'll get a daily dose of sloth. Like this:
20120127
Jan 27 2012
"You're just like an itch that I'd love to scratch… with a fucking chainsaw."
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This pleasant little number will be my last real-time post for a couple of weeks. We're leaving tomorrow for Costa Rica to volunteer at a sloth sanctuary for two weeks! But do not despair, for I've pre-scheduled posts from my nest-egg of STM gems. I'll miss you guys!
20120126
Jan 26 2012
"It's not bullshit. It's mancrap. It means whenever I use it, I'm right."
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Adam so wishes this were true...
20120125
Jan 25 2012
"Ice cream cake. Mmm. Love to the power of— I've just come in my pants. New pants, please!"
or click here"Stop throwing dinosaurs everywhere! It's gonna take me forever to get the pterodactyls down from the wardrobe. Oh, you messy little velociraptors."
What I find most amusing about this is that Adam has never had ice cream cake in his life. It's not such a thing here in the UK. But he is anticipating his first taste of what can only be a perfect combination with great excitement.
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20120124
Jan 24 2012
"Well, thank you very much for taking me out of my happy place, you pus-gargling cock-turd."
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20120123
Jan 23 2012
"Everybody kneel on your swimming towel. It is time to pray to the omnipotent baby squid. (chanting) Squidyyyyyy. Squidyyyyyy."
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And we had this in the middle night, as I sat up to get our restless little beagle settled:
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20120120
Jan 20 2012
(singing) "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Head, shoulders, knees and toes. I'm going to smash all of those, all of those. I'm going to smash all of those. Yaaaaaaaaay!"
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Oh, we all remember that delightful childhood game! Smashing good fun!
20120119
Jan 19 2012
"If sense of humor is a gift, yours is one of those unwanted gifts that gets passed on from person to person, never opened or appreciated. Best you keep that gift to yourself."
or click here"I'm living my life, my way. And loving it."
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Oh. Well that's an unusually healthy sentiment from STM.
20120118
Jan 18 2012
"mmmmuuhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhh... COCK WOBBLER!"
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And here's the rest transcribed:
20120117
Jan 17 2012
20120116
Jan 16 2012
"What the fuck are you doing here? Piss off back to the sick part of my imagination. Reality shouldn't have to put up with your pathetic shit."
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And the reveal:
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20120113
Jan 13 2012
"Are you listening to me? Are you? 'Cause the last person who didn't listen to me had their throat ripped out. So tell me: what would you like on your toast?"
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I trawled my nest-egg of quotes for the most Friday the 13th-appropriate. This was the closest I could get.
IMPORTANT NOTE: In response to a wonderful suggestion on Facebook, throughout the month of January we are offering special "Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?" t-shirts (men's and women's). Profits will go to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation.
20120112
Jan 12 2012
"Speaking of fabulous, how are your breasts today?"
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Well, this one is OBVIOUSLY about me. Right, Adam?... Adam?!
20120111
Jan 11 2012
"Hey, look at me! I just made bumble bee pajamas. They're so cuuuute, with their little leg holes. This one's bright fuchsia with some black spots. I think that's my favorite. And this one's got a night cap that fits right over the antennae... (gasp!) TOSS! Wing holes! I forgot to put wing holes! Oh, well. '...and all the honey was oozy woozy, sticky and gooey, but it tasted good.' Awww. Bed time story for tired little bumble bee. (whispering) Go to sleep, bee."
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Karen's irrelevant notes: As our long-time readers know, Adam and I spend two weeks every year volunteering at an animal sanctuary somewhere in the world. This year, it's sloths in Costa Rica! Here are some of the amazing sloths we'll be snuggling in February:
Let's cross our fingers that it proves inspirational to STM, just as the monkeys did last year, and the elephants in 2010.
20120110
Jan 10 2012
"Ugh. What a mess! Everywhere, UGHHH! And up there, EWW! When are you gonna learn: when transporting giraffes, shouting "duck" every time you hit a bridge doesn't work!"
or click here"Be happy happy happy. Smile more. I said smile more, jerk."
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MERCH NEWS: As requested, later today I'll be putting "If beauty is in the eye of the beholder...." onto t-shirts. Go on, buy one! I DARE YOU!
20120109
Jan 9 2011
"If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then BEHOLD BITCHES!"
or click here"Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning— Get out of my fucking way and stop looking at the sky you idiot! Dickheaaaaaaaaaaad!"
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That's right, Americans! Here in the UK, they use "shepherd" in that idiom! I like ours better.
20120106
Jan 6 2012
"I'll have a baby on the rocks. Yeah… What the fuck is this? Seriously?! A baby smoothie?! What the fuck, barkeeper, I asked for a baby on the rocks. Baby, rocks. Simple. Goddamnit, people. A baby on the rocks."
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Personally, I could really go for a baby smoothie right now.
20120105
Jan 5 2012
"Now I'm going to batter you to death with chicken drumsticks! It'll be really messy, but I'm going to enjoy every hour of it."
or click here"Hey! That's MY bag of hair. Get your own! And stay away from the zoo, I'm going there next."
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And the ensuing discussion:
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20120104
Jan 4 2012
20120103
Jan 3 2012
20120102
Jan 2 2012
"I don't care if people think you're weird and you meow like a cat. Just don't go and lick your— Oh!... I now care."Happy New Year, fair readers!
Here's to another year of delightful irreverence from our friendly neighborhood Sleep Talkin' Man!
or click here"Fanny batter-go-lightly. I don't want the fatty stuff. No no no."
I have to be honest, people tend to think I'm a little weird (in a good way, right? RIGHT?!), and I do regularly "meow" my way through songs. But don't worry, STM, I'll try to limit my cat impersonation to that.
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This one hearkens back to about three weeks ago, when STM first coined the phrase "fanny batter". As a reminder, "fanny" here in the UK is mild slang for vagina. So "fanny batter" is... you figure it out.