Saturday, May 8, 2010
Paralyzed
Over the past few weeks my head has been turning so fast that I'm not quite sure where I'm at on what day! Work has had me VERY busy, and life in general seems to be advancing at a pace that is unreal....yet with all the appointments, trips, meetings, discussions, and activities I juggle on a daily basis, I feel absolutely paralyzed...
How is it possible to be crazy busy and simultaneously paralyzed? I'm not sure I have the answer, but I figure a lot has to do with OVERLOAD....I often feel like a mouse on a wheel...running and running, getting nowhere fast....For the record, I am NOT liking my current state in life...
That being said, I realize that much of my paralyzed state has to do with my inability to take action in my personal life....knowing what I want but feeling overwhelmed by the degree of change that my choices will bring. While I realize that the only way to change my reality is to BEGIN the process, I feel like I am standing before the Himalayas...with absolutely NO hiking gear...and the need to get to the other side....
I know I have done a tremendous amount of work over the last 3 years of my life...soul searching...digging for my truth...coming to terms with my choices in life thus far...but the levels of apprehension around my next steps are off the charts...I actually realize that my busy life is a way to avoid my own progress....if I'm so busy that I can barely keep up with myself, there is absolutely no way I can initiate major change in my life....I am very aware of this unhealthy behavior, but once again, the fear of what's next paralyzes me and stops my progress....
Not sure what to do about it all! It is not easy for me to NOT CONTROL my future...and while my son has helped me learn to have faith and trust that everything works out in the end, I struggle with applying this to decisions about my happiness....I trust and move on faith alone when I can predict results...but I cannot predict anything about my future given the changes I want to make.....so instead of doing anything....I sit paralyzed by fear....paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed...
How is it possible to be crazy busy and simultaneously paralyzed? I'm not sure I have the answer, but I figure a lot has to do with OVERLOAD....I often feel like a mouse on a wheel...running and running, getting nowhere fast....For the record, I am NOT liking my current state in life...
That being said, I realize that much of my paralyzed state has to do with my inability to take action in my personal life....knowing what I want but feeling overwhelmed by the degree of change that my choices will bring. While I realize that the only way to change my reality is to BEGIN the process, I feel like I am standing before the Himalayas...with absolutely NO hiking gear...and the need to get to the other side....
I know I have done a tremendous amount of work over the last 3 years of my life...soul searching...digging for my truth...coming to terms with my choices in life thus far...but the levels of apprehension around my next steps are off the charts...I actually realize that my busy life is a way to avoid my own progress....if I'm so busy that I can barely keep up with myself, there is absolutely no way I can initiate major change in my life....I am very aware of this unhealthy behavior, but once again, the fear of what's next paralyzes me and stops my progress....
Not sure what to do about it all! It is not easy for me to NOT CONTROL my future...and while my son has helped me learn to have faith and trust that everything works out in the end, I struggle with applying this to decisions about my happiness....I trust and move on faith alone when I can predict results...but I cannot predict anything about my future given the changes I want to make.....so instead of doing anything....I sit paralyzed by fear....paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed...
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