Monday, January 26, 2009
Full Circle
I've been struggling recently, on both the personal and professional fronts, but I feel blessesd to have a strong circle of support that helps me through those rough times. I am one that believes that everything comes full circle in life and this weekend I had some of those full circle moments.
3 of my "pillars"---those that listen, love, and guide me daily--were going through their own moments of struggle, discontent and strife. Individually each one of them turned to me this weekend for an ear, a shoulder, some advise, some understanding...basically what I refer to as gestures of true friendship! I was there for them, as they are for me, and that ability to stand strong for them, to give back to them what they offer to me--unconditional support--has left me feeling more whole than I have felt in quite some time!
Too many relationships are one-sided...at work, people "need" me to lead them---make those tough decisions, take the hits, etc....; at home people "need" me to manage the house, take care of the shopping, bills, kids, etc...and often times appreciation is an implied after-thought...; then there are those relationships that allow me to vent, share, emote, but never allow me to reciprocate that support...and those relationships have left me feeling somewhat conflicted lately, wondering if friendship actually exists between us or is it that these people simply feel somehow required to be there for me...obligated to demostrate concern in my issues and problems because of some other vested interest on their part....
Well, it has been these 3 pillars who have offered true friendship to me---an EXCHANGE of love, support, criticism, humor, tears, etc... For only when a relationship is TWO-sided can it be fulfilling in the truest way....a person needs to feel supported, but also needs to feel wanted, and desired by others...not just one or the other is enough for a healthy relationship to exist...you know the kind that lifts you up and helps you grow...the kind you turn to for laughs and for hugs...the kind that will last through crisis and success...the kind that I cherish so dearly!
So...to my 3 pillars...2 of whom happen to be born the same day...thank you...thank you...thank you...! Your friendship means more than you'll ever know!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A little help goes a long way!
I never imagined that the events of one week, all rooted in a simple gesture, could cause such change! Guess that seems like a silly thought given the state of the world in which we all live, but I had never experienced it so closely in my life outside of the death of a loved one...
What I'm getting at is how amazed I am by the outpouring of generosity that I have witnessed after being caught up in a media storm that ensued from I letter I sent home at work! I'm not going to get into any details...(just Google my name and you can read all about it)...but I have experienced the true human spirit at work... truth and justice overcoming deceit and cover ups, wrongs being righted, those that love and support me coming out in my defense, an outpouring of donations from around the country....I could go on, but in short, I must say that this week has been very humbling! The demonstration of strength and solidarity of the human spirit in moments of needs is remarkable!
All this assistance comes at a time when I am processing a bevy of emotions related to self-doubt...am I a good mom, wife, person, leader, human being? It helps to see, hear and feel all the support as I go through these feelings....it helps to reassure me....it helps to know others see me in a positive light! I've been deflecting these feelings of self-doubt onto many of my relationships, but I know that it's all part of the process...all part of me working out my junk!
So...this past week has been intense to say the least, but it draws to a close , much like this blog entry, with lessons learned, identities re-assured, and hopes for a better day....
What I'm getting at is how amazed I am by the outpouring of generosity that I have witnessed after being caught up in a media storm that ensued from I letter I sent home at work! I'm not going to get into any details...(just Google my name and you can read all about it)...but I have experienced the true human spirit at work... truth and justice overcoming deceit and cover ups, wrongs being righted, those that love and support me coming out in my defense, an outpouring of donations from around the country....I could go on, but in short, I must say that this week has been very humbling! The demonstration of strength and solidarity of the human spirit in moments of needs is remarkable!
All this assistance comes at a time when I am processing a bevy of emotions related to self-doubt...am I a good mom, wife, person, leader, human being? It helps to see, hear and feel all the support as I go through these feelings....it helps to reassure me....it helps to know others see me in a positive light! I've been deflecting these feelings of self-doubt onto many of my relationships, but I know that it's all part of the process...all part of me working out my junk!
So...this past week has been intense to say the least, but it draws to a close , much like this blog entry, with lessons learned, identities re-assured, and hopes for a better day....
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
A new day!
Yesterday was my birthday---a day filled with joy, tears, fear and lots of self-pity...overall just an OK day...not great, not exhilarating...not fun! I've decided that I should start celebrating my 1/2 birthday...July 6th, instead of my real birthday...you know, it's summer; I could host an outside party; I could dance all night and get my groove on! You see the problem with Jan. 6th is that everyone is exhausted, upset about returning to work, and not wanting to get together as they have just spent the holiday season doing so! But all that aside...the real problem is me...
I do not look forward to my birthday! My dad died on the night of my 9th birthday, so every birthday since then I just want the day to be over before any other tragedy hits. I know that may seem ridiculous or irrational...but it's at the core of why I don't like my birthday! So I spend each year trying to put on a good face...happy, grateful for all the outpouring of love and affection, but inside I feel like shit! Every "Happy Birthday" just reminds me of how I want to the day to just end..."let me make it through; let me end this day!" Once the 7th arrives, I feel much better---safe in a sense that I made it through one more day without tragedy!
These feelings have always been there, but resurfaced a few years back when Najib was born...15 days after my birthday...the same day my niece was born...the same year my father died! Last year around this time, I had to go to the hospital with Najib (a few days before his birthday), and I confronted these feelings of tragedy! I made a conscious decision that day to CHANGE my life and attitude! Since then I have tried to be healthier, happier and more positive, but even with all my efforts, I crashed yesterday! I know that's ok...to have a day or two when you're off, but it simply sucks to have that day be my birthday EVERY YEAR! I can't change the fact that my dad died that day....I can't help but remember all the grief associated with that event...all the guilt I've had to deal with because I was grateful for his passing...it made our lives easier...lifted some burden from all our shoulders...especially from my mom! I only knew a sick dad...one with a very severe and short temper, and when he was gone I was able to live rather peacefully...no more arguments...no more fights....at least for awhile! So each birthday I had to deal with grief and guilt from his loss! Still working on working that out!
The other issue about my birthday is that it's never MY day...you see the 6th of January is 3 Kings day, and it's the day we celebrate gifts for everyone in my house! I love the tradition, but the focus, especially after having kids, is always on everyone else....Now I know this sound incredibly childish and selfish...but I want and believe I deserve a day for ME...to be happy...to be celebrated... to CELEBRATE myself! I mean, come on, between my dad's death and 3 Kings day...my birthday is not about me at all! I feel for those born on other holidays as well because they must go through similar shit!
Now, people in my life who love and care for me go out of their way to make it about me...but inside I'm feeling all my shit and can't even truly appreciate their efforts...which then brings on feelings of guilt about not being more grateful for what I do have! Damn that Catholic guilt...gets you every time!
So I return to my theory of celebrating my 1/2 birthday...a day removed from all these feelings, removed from the holiday, removed from my personal drama! It will be a day of nothing but fun! I'm going to seriously think about it! This year I'll spend it in China...but next year I will party away! Hope all of you who care can make it!
I do not look forward to my birthday! My dad died on the night of my 9th birthday, so every birthday since then I just want the day to be over before any other tragedy hits. I know that may seem ridiculous or irrational...but it's at the core of why I don't like my birthday! So I spend each year trying to put on a good face...happy, grateful for all the outpouring of love and affection, but inside I feel like shit! Every "Happy Birthday" just reminds me of how I want to the day to just end..."let me make it through; let me end this day!" Once the 7th arrives, I feel much better---safe in a sense that I made it through one more day without tragedy!
These feelings have always been there, but resurfaced a few years back when Najib was born...15 days after my birthday...the same day my niece was born...the same year my father died! Last year around this time, I had to go to the hospital with Najib (a few days before his birthday), and I confronted these feelings of tragedy! I made a conscious decision that day to CHANGE my life and attitude! Since then I have tried to be healthier, happier and more positive, but even with all my efforts, I crashed yesterday! I know that's ok...to have a day or two when you're off, but it simply sucks to have that day be my birthday EVERY YEAR! I can't change the fact that my dad died that day....I can't help but remember all the grief associated with that event...all the guilt I've had to deal with because I was grateful for his passing...it made our lives easier...lifted some burden from all our shoulders...especially from my mom! I only knew a sick dad...one with a very severe and short temper, and when he was gone I was able to live rather peacefully...no more arguments...no more fights....at least for awhile! So each birthday I had to deal with grief and guilt from his loss! Still working on working that out!
The other issue about my birthday is that it's never MY day...you see the 6th of January is 3 Kings day, and it's the day we celebrate gifts for everyone in my house! I love the tradition, but the focus, especially after having kids, is always on everyone else....Now I know this sound incredibly childish and selfish...but I want and believe I deserve a day for ME...to be happy...to be celebrated... to CELEBRATE myself! I mean, come on, between my dad's death and 3 Kings day...my birthday is not about me at all! I feel for those born on other holidays as well because they must go through similar shit!
Now, people in my life who love and care for me go out of their way to make it about me...but inside I'm feeling all my shit and can't even truly appreciate their efforts...which then brings on feelings of guilt about not being more grateful for what I do have! Damn that Catholic guilt...gets you every time!
So I return to my theory of celebrating my 1/2 birthday...a day removed from all these feelings, removed from the holiday, removed from my personal drama! It will be a day of nothing but fun! I'm going to seriously think about it! This year I'll spend it in China...but next year I will party away! Hope all of you who care can make it!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Speaking from the heart!
Tomorrow I will turn 35...the age I always thought of as being truly "grown up"...you know when I was a kid, my friends' moms were "35"...they were married, settled, complete...or so it appeared...but somehow I think I got it all wrong! I don't know if any of us are truly ever "grown up"...you know...totally stable, grounded, mature in our thoughts and actions, true to ourselves, true to those we love, etc... As I approach this birthday I'm thinking about myself in these terms...am I grown up...mature...complete? HELL NO...but I've realized that I don't think I'll ever reach that state of mind, heart and soul! I do believe my integrity is intact..I do believe I am everyday more certain of myself, my relationships, my life...but I think, NOW, that being "grown up" means realizing that you are human; you are flawed; you like being in the "process" of growing more than any final product...at least that's what works for me!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)