Just Me

It's currently 3am and I cannot sleep. Could it be my recent knee surgery? Maybe discomfort from 2 weeks of sleep on the couch? How about all that is on my mind, such as my children, pending divorce, and the new frontiers that lie ahead?

I'm not too inspired to write at this moment, but have a need to release...somehow...someway

My mind and heart are racing with such an array of thought and emotion about myself, about my kids, about my new journey...I can't seem to make sense of them all at the moment, but I am choosing to simply process through them as they come...happiness, sadness, relief, anxiety, excitement, fear, etc...all the while doing my best to keep my chin up and my spirits high as I move forward...

What I can say with great conviction is that I am on the brink of a new life of sorts...away from a life of sadness and struggles with an occasional happy spot to one where I live in peace and happiness, working through the occasional challenge...

It's been many months since I've written anything and I'd love to be able to report sweeping changes in my life, but I honestly can't say that much has changed at all....I am still paralyzed...I just need to jump in to the abyss of the unknown and have faith that I will come out on the other side stronger and ultimately happier...I just need to jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump..................

Over the past few weeks my head has been turning so fast that I'm not quite sure where I'm at on what day! Work has had me VERY busy, and life in general seems to be advancing at a pace that is unreal....yet with all the appointments, trips, meetings, discussions, and activities I juggle on a daily basis, I feel absolutely paralyzed...

How is it possible to be crazy busy and simultaneously paralyzed? I'm not sure I have the answer, but I figure a lot has to do with OVERLOAD....I often feel like a mouse on a wheel...running and running, getting nowhere fast....For the record, I am NOT liking my current state in life...

That being said, I realize that much of my paralyzed state has to do with my inability to take action in my personal life....knowing what I want but feeling overwhelmed by the degree of change that my choices will bring. While I realize that the only way to change my reality is to BEGIN the process, I feel like I am standing before the Himalayas...with absolutely NO hiking gear...and the need to get to the other side....

I know I have done a tremendous amount of work over the last 3 years of my life...soul searching...digging for my truth...coming to terms with my choices in life thus far...but the levels of apprehension around my next steps are off the charts...I actually realize that my busy life is a way to avoid my own progress....if I'm so busy that I can barely keep up with myself, there is absolutely no way I can initiate major change in my life....I am very aware of this unhealthy behavior, but once again, the fear of what's next paralyzes me and stops my progress....

Not sure what to do about it all! It is not easy for me to NOT CONTROL my future...and while my son has helped me learn to have faith and trust that everything works out in the end, I struggle with applying this to decisions about my happiness....I trust and move on faith alone when I can predict results...but I cannot predict anything about my future given the changes I want to make.....so instead of doing anything....I sit paralyzed by fear....paralyzed, paralyzed, paralyzed...

So after posting yesterday, I got to thinking about the inspirations in my life...they really do come in all shapes and sizes...but there are two that truly stand out to me--my children, Soraya and Najib. Each has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible, and in them I find more hope than anywhere else in my life.

Soraya is the light of my world..she can, like no other being on this earth, move me to laughter and tears within a matter of seconds...when I'm down, all I need is a glimpse at her beautiful eyes and dynamic smile and I quickly forget my ills. A hug from her brings me instant peace, and her laughter is contagious. Her wonderful spirit and love of life remind me to strive for the same in my own life...to focus on happiness and joy! She is simply spectacular, and I'm honored that I will be a witness to her life! It will be nothing less than amazing!

And then there is Najib. For many people, having a special needs child imposes great amounts of stress, heartache and struggles. I could not be farther from that reality...Najib is special alright, but he is special for all he offers to me simply by existing and living as he does...with the purest heart and most gentle spirit that I have ever encountered...

When he entered my life I began down a journey of discovery....discovery of the world around me...discovery of the strength of the human spirit...discovery of what unconditional love and support is all about....discovery of acceptance...let me say that again...discovery of acceptance...of knowing and loving all people for who they are...for where they're at...for where they want to be....and that discovery began with me...

Many parents of special needs children at some point participate in the pity-ridden, "why me" game....and unfortunately some never find their answer...they may blame others or themselves and this "pain" blinds them from all the gifts and benefits that having such a delicate creature in their lives can offer. I too played this game. For the first year of Najib's life I searched for reasons why, for the causes of his ills, for my possible failures, but I kept coming up empty handed. And all that time, with my energy focused on my "plight" I was not fully capable of appreciating Najib for what he did and does offer me. Then the day came when I simply held my beautiful son in my arms, and I saw him for all he is and all he can be. I saw hope and experienced inspiration like never before!

I know exactly WHY Najib came into my life...and I am SOOOOOO grateful for his arrival. Najib came to me to teach me...to help me grow. On a daily basis he reminds me to have a pure heart, to be grateful for all I possess--both material and spiritual riches, to be accepting of others, to never allow my limitations to stop my life from moving forward--to NEVER stop growing.

So, yes, as I said yesterday, inspirations abound, but all pale in comparison to those provided to me by Soraya and Najib...how lucky I am!

So much time has passed since my last entry that I cannot possibly begin to write about all that has transpired in my life, but I can offer some insight as to where I am at on my journey...

While I struggle with making sense of my personal life, I have gained such inspiration and hope from my work. I do admit that at times being a "change agent" and "fighter" for equity can be utterly exhausting, but it is such rewarding work. I cannot adequately articulate the satisfaction I derive from working to create deeper understanding about and respect for human ways...I truly feel blessed to FINALLY be dedicating so many hours to something that inspires me on personal and professional levels...

I am also extremely grateful for those people in my life who inspire me to continue on my own path of growth...those who encourage me to have the strength and fortitude necessary to confront difficult and often painful realities as a step towards greater happiness and peace...I love each and every one of you more than my meager words can express...

Lately, it's all about the inspirations that I encounter on a daily basis...those that propel me to examine my inner thoughts, feelings and desires....whether they manifest themselves in the gesture of a friend or co-worker, the words of a keynote speaker at a given conference, or the actions of others, these inspirations offer me hope and the ability to envision the day when I am living with my heart and mind in balance...when I can be true to myself in all of my life's facets, and thereby be the best possible me, JUST ME, for this world...


[フレーム]

So for my birthday a few weeks ago 2 of my friends gifted me a session to have my astrological charts read. I made the appointment for today, and anticipated the session with equal amounts of excitement and nervousness. What did the planets, moons and stars have in store for me?????

Well now, just 3 hours after the session ended, I am feeling equally amazed and amused. You see....it's was not a reading to tell me my "fortune" or what may happen in my life in concrete terms, but rather a session that offered insight into the energies of the universe that work in my life. I enjoyed it tremendously and was quite tickled by how accurate some portions of the reading were......

But now I find myself processing all the information shared with me during that hour-long session....and believe me it was a lot!!! So much, in fact, that I feel a bit scattered at the moment...not able to truly concentrate or wrap my mind around all that was offered to me by the planets, moons and stars...

I neither place stock in nor discount all that was said, but I do wonder why so many people dismiss what the universe has to offer us through its energy and celestial bodies....I simply intend to keep processing in hopes that my "read" will shed even more light on the path that I follow in life....

processing....processing.....processing.....TO BE CONTINUED!

So for the past 3 years I have been big on the Law of Attraction...put out into the Universe what you want...envision it...believe it...feel it, and the Universe will take care of the details....you will attract to you what you most think about and desire.....

To that end, I have been purposeful in my intentions and have been very happy with how the Law of Attraction has worked in my life...but now the Universe seems to be SHOUTING at me...encouraging me to take action...to leave fears behind...to truly embrace my happiness and balance...to live life without fear....

Just here to say, "hey Universe...I hear you LOUD & CLEAR!"