February 24, 2009
A poem illustrating the flow chart
Posted by Sam under double-bind, Literature and Trauma, psychotraumatology, recovery, Survivor and perpetrator stages, trans-generational trauma, Victimization Sequelae | Tags: DDNOS and DID, double-bind, Literature and Trauma, positive spin, psychotherapists, psychotraumatology, research, second-generation victimization, Survivor and perpetrator stages, trans-generational trauma, triggers, validation, Victimization Sequelae |[14] Comments
Below you can read an elaborated-on version (2.1) of the poem that was unexpectedly born as one of my replies to the Kathy Broady’s post involving Portia Nelson’s poem An Autobiography in 5 Chapters.
To visit the poem’s “birthplace” at the Kathy’s blog click here .
I wonder should I title it More then An Autobiography in 5 Chapters . . . or it would be more accurate to call it An Autobiography in More Then 5 Chapters“. Either way, this is how it goes…
– – – (version 2.3 of the poem) – – –
-II. (or two steps ago)
(corresponding to Step 1 in the chart)
I walk down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
I am tripped up by somebody.
I don’t like it.
I tell them it is disgusting what they do.
They say: "Oh, come on, it’s nothing.
You didn’t fall in the hole, didn’t you?".
"They are right", I think,
"It could be worse".
I continue walking as if nothing happened.
-I. (or one step ago)
(corresponding to Step 2 in the chart)
I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk.
I get pushed so much I almost fall in the hole.
I am getting angry with them, but I hear:
"Why do you want to be angry now?
You didn’t yell when you were tripped up,
didn’t you? It’s no worse than before and
you didn’t do anything about it before,
didn’t you? So be quiet and go your way."
"I did nothing before", I think to myself
"they are right." So I continue walking down
the street as if nothing happened.
zero level (or here we go)
(corresponding to Step 3 in the chart)
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
This time I get pushed so much I do fall
in the hole.
I get scared.
I am afraid.
I climb out and want to tell other people
what happened. But will they listen?
If they do, they can help me,
but if they don’t...
I. Chapter
(corresponding to Step 4 in the chart)
...I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I am alone. Only me and they
who can push me and step on me,
anytime.
I can’t hide. I freeze.
They might be everywhere.
When I’m in a hole, they say,
"You can only allow it to happen.
You have already allowed it. So,
it’s your fault,
isn’t it?"
I can’t bear the thought of
blaming myself. Another part of me is born.
S/he picks up the blame imposed by abusers
and continues walking down the street.
As if nothing happened.
II. Chapter
(corresponding to Step 4 in the chart, elaborating on it furtherly)
The self-blaming alter walks down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
The alter blames him/herself when
finding himself/herself anywhere near a hole.
However, the alter can’t bear the thought
of punishing the body for it.
Another part of me is born and s/he picks up
self-punishing behaviors
and continues walking down the street as if
nothing happened. To me. Or to the self-blaming
alter.
III. Chapter
(corresponding to Step 4 in the chart, elaborating on it furtherly)
The self-punishing alter walks down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
The self-punishing alter gets “voluntarily”
near a hole in order to punish the body.
But the alter can not bear the thought of
being fatalistic about “their will being done”, anyway.
Another part of me is born and s/he picks
up the fatalistic behavior and walks
down the street as if nothing happened.
To me. Or to the self-blaming alter. Or to the self-
punishing alter.
IV. Chapter
(corresponding to Step 5 in the chart)
The fatalistic alter walks down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
The alter lets their will be done,
but can not bear the thought of showing positive spin
(gratitude to them for having kept the body alive and for other good side-effects).
Another part of me is born and s/he picks up the paradoxical behavior
and walks down the street as if nothing happened. To me.
Or to the self-blaming alter. Or to the self-punishing alter.
Or to the fatalistic alter.
V. Chapter
(corresponding to Step 5 in the chart, elaborating on it furtherly))
The paradoxical (positive spin) alter walks down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
The alter stops by the hole and shows the
paradoxical gratefulness (positive spin ),
but can not bear the thought of showing proudness
of grandiose survivorship achievements.
Another part of me is born and s/he picks up the
proudness of grandiose survivorship and continues walking
down the street as if nothing happened. To me.
Or to the self-blaming alter. Or to the self-punishing
alter. Or to the fatalistics alter. Or to the paradoxical
alter.
VI. Chapter
(corresponding to Step 6 in the chart)
The proud survivor walks down the street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
The alter shows proudness of grandiose survivorship
to those around him/her, however can not bear the
thought of having a personal worth just like everybody
has in the first place.
– –
– –
– – – (end of the 2.3 version of the poem) – – –
I was not explicit enough by calling it (the poem) an illustration of the chart, so I will re-iterate here each chapter corresponds to the steps shown in the chart and I am going to post the picture/chart again in order to show this correspondence.
Steps 4 and 5 from chart are being elaborated furtherly on in the above poem, so there is not a one-to-one correspondence between the two.
[画像:Chart]
UPDATE 2009 If you wonder why the post has been categorized (and tagged) with “trans-generational trauma” category, as well, then click the following link https://mybelovedalter.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/a-poem-illustrating-the-flow-chart/#comment-17 to read the comment below about the “trans-generational trauma” and/or “second-generation victimization”. UPDATE 2010 – On Youtube there is a video offering a psychotraumatological explanatory framework for literary criticism based on the flowchart. You can see the video by clicking on the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6BoSpsgLzWU
UPDATE 2012 – A request (approved) for the flowchart to be quoted in a dissertation by Jacob M. Metro was received in the comment here https://mybelovedalter.wordpress.com/about/
Hi Sam’s Alter:
I am a researcher studying the effects of the double-bind on worker productivity. While your poem and flowchart aren’t explicitly related to the double-bind, you indicate a relationship that I would like to work on.
Rather than take your knowledge and rephrase it without citation, I would like your permission to use the flow chart or a modification thereof (with full citation) as part of my research.
The version I am looking at is: https://mybelovedalter.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/a-poem-illustrating-the-flow-chart/. Please let me know if I will be authorized to use your flow chart.
I don’t have any money with which to pay you royalties and this will be used only for inclusion in my dissertation. It will be disseminated within normal dissemination parameters for a dissertation (i.e. instructors, publishing, other cited individuals or groups).
I would be willing to share the results of my research with you once it is completed.
Sincerely,
Jacob
_______________________________________________________________________
14 Responses to “A poem illustrating the flow chart”
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castorgirl Says:
February 28, 2009 at 11:00 pmHi,
As you could tell by my comment on Kathy’s blog, we have a few issues with the original poem. But much prefer the alternative versions put forward by those who experience the dissociation.
Your version is one that I can see and understand, but realise that (collectively) we’re probably at around chapter IV. Some of us are stuck at earlier chapters, but we’re hoping to work with a new therapist soon to help us work through the various levels of being “stuck”.
Great work…
Take care… -
March 2, 2009 at 1:57 pmHi Castor Girl,
thank you for leaving your reply here. It is much appreciated.
Regarding what you said about being “stuck” at one or more chapters, I would prefer to describe it with words by calling it “repressing the chapter” (instead of being “stuck at the chapter”).
Why?
Because what one needs to move forward it is NOT merely movement as opposed to stuckness, but the ability to express each chapter’s extreme emotions. It is NOT merely moving forward or moving around the hole (as suggests the original poem by Portia Nelson), no, it is expressing the chapter’s emotion!
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March 2, 2009 at 3:48 pmAnd, Castor Girl, again,
thank you for your explicitly mentioning the chapter IV. as it needed to be elaborated furtherly, and I did it. How do you find it now?
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castorgirl Says:
March 3, 2009 at 9:05 pmYes, you’re right about the term “stuck”. It’s a term we picked up from a therapist, and it is quite negative.
I also like the re-working you’ve done. You’re incredibly talented with words and concepts. This version fits more with our experiences, although I’m not sure that we’ll ever feel the “proudness of grandiose survivorship”… But that just be because we’re not ready to look at that concept yet. Healing takes time…
Take care and again thank you… :)
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Vague Says:
March 3, 2009 at 10:10 pmawesome post!!! i’m glad i came across your blog…. i linked to this post, for posterity, lol, good stuff!!!! :)
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March 4, 2009 at 8:52 amCastor Girl
thank you – you’re right about that that maybe you’ll be lucky enough to not find yourself behaving like a grandiosely proud survivor around other people, ever. I hope you will not go so far. It would mean you are not in need of compensating the inner sense of worthlessness the way I seem to be because my parents never were able to see me as important enough
in comparison totheir early-life experiencesSINCE THEY WERE BOTHborn duringWorld War IIand in a little European country that wasoccupied bytwo larger neighboring countries’ armies that were at the timeHitler's alliesand divided by them in pieces.UPDATE 2012: SEE MY WIKIPEDIA EDIT ON THIS BY CLICKING ON THE FOLLOWING LINKhttp://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Holocaust&oldid=474042940#Non_Jewish#Ethnic_SlovenesNothing
I have ever been (or done) as a childcould come close to the importance of my father’s home being burnt down by Fascists Italian soldiers or my mother’s home backyard occupied by Hungarian pro-Nazi soldiers when they were newborns.I, as a child, just a little child, could
simply not competewith these two armies of soldiers, always present in my parents’ eyes, thoseinvisible armiesthat I just couldn’t fight against (not even in case I’d have my own army and courage to do it) because those were “only“ my parents’ unhealed memorieslurking from the past..._____________________________________
So I ask my
(which among them? hmmm)self:How could any childbeat two armies (Hitler’s allies) in the parents’ eyes and step out of the shadow of those experiences?No child could do that!I must tell the answer to
my inner childnow.My inner child(with my inner adolescent they are a team) I find still “fighting(2009年03月04日 削除) my (削除ここまで)their war"against my parents’ internalized aggressorslurking from their eyesand competing with teachers/therapist/etc all the time as if in hope thatone day I will winif I (the child) am big, bigger, grandiose enough…_____________________________________
Thank you for the opportunity to be able to write this to myself (to my “inner children“).You have no idea how you have helped me, thank you, Castor Girl… Thank you again.
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March 4, 2009 at 10:25 amVague, thanks
I feel now like a rabbit caught in the headlights reading your comment.
Why am I feeling that way?
Well – because I expect the reader’s comments to be at least partially critical about what I wrote – (if not straightforwardly negative or ignoring what I have to say) – which yours is clearly not.
I am able to see now that I am having hard time accepting praise once I get it.
Despite (or because) I am “fighting my war” so much to get it.
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Vague Says:
March 4, 2009 at 7:28 pmi’m sorry if my comment caused you problems! i don’t have anything critical to say about what you wrote cuz it’s very insightful, and expresses the process of thought very well. :)
i understand difficulties with praise… while i so much crave it at times, when i get it, it’s like… *oh. what’s the catch?* and it’s hard to accept….frustrating. -
March 5, 2009 at 8:50 amVague
we are complicated, aren’t we? (If we can speak on behalf of all dissociative people, which of course I can not (but have just done it, anyway))
It is *good*, however, that at least we can understand each other.
Your reply made me feel understood, I and want to thank you, Vague, for posting it.
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thevaguecollective Says:
March 5, 2009 at 9:00 amgee, you are very welcome! :D
now i feel like…. *gee*, what did it do? i did something? i did somethin’ and… it was… *good*? whoa… no way!?!?! really?!… *scratches head*
lol…
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Samo Says:
March 5, 2009 at 10:14 amgee mee too *smiling with a big child’s smile*
we both did somethin’? or what?
and… it was… *good*, sounds incredible, huh?!?!(reminding me of *we are BOTH good* feeling that I felt yesterday at Five Rhythms class
when dancing with my (imaginary?) *inner child*, and at the end with another participant’s *inner child*, such a beautiful dance I felt sorry I couldn’t catch it on video to be able to show to my other alters and to people like you) -
thevaguecollective Says:
March 5, 2009 at 6:13 pm*claps hands giggling*
oooh, the dancin souns nice!!!!
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castorgirl Says:
March 7, 2009 at 8:46 amSorry to sort of jump into the conversation…
But thank you for sharing some of your past with us. I can see why authority would pose so many problems for you all. How could a boy fight or compete with the memories the war created for your parents? It would have been impossible.
Looking from our perspective, we see you as an incredibly intelligent person who has been hurt through no fault of their own.
Only if you would like them, here are some (((warm safe hugs))) – remember only if you want them… Sending you positive thoughts…
The dancing sounds like sooo much fun :)
We’re glad we could help in some way – please feel free to contact us any time if you need to.
Please take care…
*smiles*
Sophie :) -
oshri Says:
June 1, 2011 at 9:10 pmthank you!!
can you elaborate oncompeting with teachers, therapits, etc.?? i tend to do the same…