Big Ash's Antics

I have recently semi-acquired a cat in my life. Her name is Stickers and she is actually pretty cute (for a cat). I love all mammals and I would never want to see any harm come to an animal…but I really do not like cats. Not only am I allergic to them, but I do not like their personalities and their sense of entitlement. Stickers and I are currently in a power-play. I am trying to assert my authority by teaching her to stay the &%$# out of my bedroom. We are constantly at war with each other. I don’t understand cats and I don’t know how to handle them. I am a dog person. In fact, I like dogs more than humans. So even though I am sure nobody cares, I wanted to outline why dogs are better than cats (and when I say dogs I mean real dogs, not lap dogs): 1. Dogs can be taught to do really cool tricks. Although cats can be taught to do a couple things, they are either too stupid to learn most things or they pretend to be stupid so they don’t have to do your bidding. Have you ever seen a cat shake hands or high five? I didn’t think so. 2. Dogs are fun. You can play with them, swim with them, take them on hikes, take them camping, go on walks, etc. Cats are fun too….if you like to lay around all day and stare at people. 3. Dogs protect you. If someone tried to rob your house, your dog would bark and go after the intruder. A cat would watch the intruder from their perch on your sofa whilst licking their butt. As long as the robber does no interrupt the licking, they could care less what happens to your belongings. 4. If you drop food on the floor, dogs eat it. Cats don’t even acknowledge the existence of the food and the food will lay there for days until you finally decide to clean it up. I just vacuumed up some chips that fell on the floor four days ago. This is the first time in my life that I have had to pick food up off the floor. 5. As long as dogs are taught properly, they tend to stay off the furniture. Cats don’t care. They climb on your bed, your sink, your washing machine, and worst of all….your kitchen counters and kitchen table. There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a cat lay on your kitchen table, licking its yoohoo. I eat all my meals standing at the counter now. 6. When you come home, your dog greets you and is happy to see you. The cat just stares at you thinking “why has this human entered my kingdom?” 7. Cats in heat are the most disgusting thing I have ever beheld. There is a reason why “Cats” is literally the worst play to ever hit Broadway. 8. Remember that video that was posted a few weeks ago about that little boy being attacked by a dog, and his cat rescued him and went after the dog? Well, everyone was talking about it because it was so shocking that a cat actually did something useful! 9. I don’t trust cats. They get this look in their eyes like they are going to attack you at any second if you make the wrong move. I am constantly on edge around them. 10.Dogs love unconditionally. Cats are just out for what they can get (which is your soul, your home, and all your money) I know some of you may love cats and are probably super offended right now by all the cat bashing I just did. You are probably reading this while your cat is possessively sitting on your keyboard (who am I kidding? No one even reads this blog!). But I confess that even after all this hateful cat talk, I have actually grown quite fond of Stickers. I even let her take a nap by me yesterday and she looked so cute with her paws all tucked in under her chest. What is happening to me?! Look at how cute she is: I like her best when she is asleep: Dogs are better: