My fourth Torth novel, the aptly named "World of Wreckage," is complete!

It weighs in at a healthy 104,000 words, and took me one year to complete, or six months if you factor out real life delays.

Writing this book was one heck of a wild ride, and required me to stretch my writing skills in new and strange ways. I wrote a blog post about the chemistry of hate (see May 2010), inspired by a rocky relationship between two characters in this book. I developed some new insights about the Torth Empire, and opened up the plot gateway for the wrap-up of the series, which will probably require three more novels.

Working on this series has given me a lot more respect and appreciation for writers such as Robert Jordan, J.K. Rowling, and George R.R. Martin, who've juggled long character arcs that must stay fresh and fun over multiple novels. It's really not as easy as it looks.

And now . . . here are a few random, completely out-of-context, and spoiler-free quotes from the book!

# # # # # # # # # #

Here's a solution, she told the Commander of All Living Things. Drop a series of thermonuclear bombs on them.

"He's a lying sleaze-ball who'll lick anyone's boots if he thinks it will save his life."

"You've doomed the universe. Way to go, genius."

"I have to warn you," he said in a quiet voice, "the Great Prison is a hard place to visit, even if you're not being tortured there." He seemed intent on ignoring Thomas. "The sights we'll see . . . it will be unpleasant. We have to remember not to intervene. We can't help the prisoners, no matter how much we'd like to."

"I should have let you die." He raised his voice to a squeaky pitch, doing an imperious imitation of Thomas. "I bet I can outsmart them!"

"The little girl who keeps coming up with doomsday devices? Ugh. She gives me the willies."

"This place has been untouched for who-knows-how-many-thousands of years, and he's going to break it?"

"You're obliterating countless centuries of ancient artifacts!" His voice cracked, anguished. "The things we could have learned!"

"We've met before. You saved my life. Would you be so kind as to allow me to save yours?"

"C o m m m m m m m m m m e," the Torth whispered through smiles.

Cherise raised her hand--and stopped herself just before she could slap Flen across the face. "I don't love Thomas." The very idea stung her, a deep wound that she wasn't sure she could forgive Flen for speaking. "I hate him. But he's trying to save the Alashani, so get off his back."

"Oh, hell. I could explain it perfectly if you were a mind reader. But since you're not getting it, I think you're going to have to perform an astonishing feat of heavy lifting, instead."

The Indigo Governess sat in her massage pool in her suite on Umdalkdul, so weakened that she required medical devices to aid her lungs and heart. Derision leaked from her. This 'frippery' is an ingenious new weapon that will change the course of history. Her communication came with an attached mental image of the Betrayer as a bloodied corpse. Once it's ready, it will destroy him. My creativity will save the Empire.

"Alex is done for today. The next time he reappears, grab him. Jump on him. Tell him to get some sleep. If he tries to ignore you and do anything at all, kick him in the balls."

Get rid of all mentally defective infants, no matter how trivial the defect seems. No emotional babies, no handicapped telepaths, and especially no Yeresunsa. We (Torth) have been too lax.

Of course, the Death Architect replied. It could destroy a star. It might be able to destroy the galaxy. It might unravel the space-time continuum and collapse the universe as We know it. I don't really know. Pride and eager curiosity shone in her thoughts. I'll need to run some experiments.

Inwardly, the Commander wondered what signs of treachery she'd missed twelve years ago. Why did you throw away your life (just) to copulate with a human beast, and then carry a hybrid fetus to term inside your womb?

# # # # # # # # # #

Ah, those Torth ... never up to any good.

Now I would love to write Book 5, but I'm going to resist the temptation and (sighhhhh) take another peep at Book 1. I want to market this series, and, like, sell it, someday.

A few photos from Carlsbad Caverns:

Carlsbad Caverns natural entranceThis gigantic hole in the ground was feared by early settlers in New Mexico.

Carlsbad Caverns
Carlsbad Caverns
Carlsbad Caverns
Views of Chaco Canyon, ruins of ancient pueblos:

Chaco Canyon
This was once a thriving city with a population of thousands of people. They traded with the Mesa Verde people, as well as coastal people and Mexican Aztec people. The city went into decline in the 12th century A.D.

Chaco CanyonIf you plan to visit this remote site, be prepared for a full day. The easiest route includes twelve miles of washboard dirt roads, and the nearest town with a hotel is over 80 miles away.

Whites Sands National Monument, after a rainstorm:

White Sands
White Sands
surfing White Sands Photographs can't do that sunset justice. We hiked away from the road and lay on a towel. The sand was damp, and the temperature was perfect. We also saw a rainbow, and a huge full moon that night.

sunset over White Sands

Day 2:
I brought a video camera into Carlsbad Caverns, since it handles low light better ... I will capture still shots from the video when I get home. Suffice it to say that Carlsbad Caverns is a beautiful walking trip, about 1 to 2 miles of subterranean hiking. Every bend reveals a new array of colorful pillars, stalactites like needles, stalagmites like giant drip castles, and chandeliers made of rock. The trip took us about 3 or 4 hours.

Afterwards, we drove to Roswell and settled into a quaint motel built in the adobe style. Roswell is a strange town. We began to suspect everyone who lives there might be part alien. Here's a photo of a gift shop on the main drag:

Roswell alien gift shop
Day 3:
We drove to Albuquerque, and stayed with a friend I met via the Odyssey workshop. This was a laid back day, playing Skib-Bo and Bananagrams.

friend's pueblo style house in Albuquerque
Day 4:
We hiked around Petroglyph National Monument, right outside Albuquerque. It was a hot day to be hiking up a hill, but the view and petroglyphs were worth it!

Petroglyphs left by Native Americans in New Mexico
Then we drove up to Santa Fe, and had lunch at a cafe in downtown, which is full of beautiful pueblo-style buildings, art galleries, and very narrow and winding streets.

cafe in downtown Santa Fe
We're looking forward to tonight, when we will be having dinner with a fantasy author, of whom we're all fans.

Since this hotel has wifi, I've decided to try and post a day-by-day account of our road trip through New Mexico. My friend Amy flew in from Rhode Island the night before, and we had a dinner with writers before leaving Austin in the morning. We arrived in Carlsbad, New Mexico last night around 7pm MST, after dealing with tourists in Fredericksburg, Texas, and then driving for about 8 hours west. The whole 8 hour drive is a lot of Texas canyonlands. I think we saw a few ghost towns on the way. There was one Burger King, and maybe three gas stations. Lots of roadkill, including a wild boar and a vulture eating a deer (we didn't kill the animals, just drove past them).

Anyway, we checked into our hotel in Carlsbad, met up with our friend Brian, who drove down from Colorado, and went to dinner at a very crowded Chili's--apparently the only restaurant in town, other than a Subway. But we had a good time catching up.

So now we're ready to tour Carlsbad Caverns! I have my Flip video camera (since it handles darkness pretty well), and I'll see if I'm permitted to bring it into the cave.

This morning, I was just thinking about how many bad drivers are on the road, when a collision happened right before my eyes. I was in a left turn lane. The light was green, but the green arrow wasn't lit up, so our lane had to yield right of way. The car in front of me completely failed to do so. He just swung out in front of a pick-up truck. The truck tried to swerve at the last minute, but it was quite a crash. Car parts few everywhere.

Fortunately, it looked like no one was hurt. The car driver jumped out and ran to the truck to make sure the driver was all right. The truck looked more or less undamaged, and its driver just looked shaken.

Everyone thinks their own city has the worst drivers, but I've lived on both coasts ... I've spent time in several U.S. cities ... and I think Austin is right up there with Boston. It's like the worst drivers from both coasts decided to move here and get drunk, get high, or otherwise mentally check out. The poorly marked, narrow roads for high volume traffic don't help (although Boston is worse on that factor). I like Austin, but maybe they need huge blinking traffic signs everywhere that say STAY ALERT! Maybe the Austin Chronicle should publish a memo that says "pay attention."

It seems that witnessing traffic accidents here is pretty routine. A few months ago, I almost got rear-ended by a speeding pick-up truck. There was nowhere for anyone to swerve; it was a two-way backroad in a forested area. I was waiting to make a left turn. The truck coming up behind me swerved at the last minute, but it had to drive on the grassy shoulder to avoid hitting me, and could easily have hit a boulder or tree. This was in daylight; the truck should have seen me and slowed down. I can't imagine what delayed mental processes led the driver to ignore the fact that my car wasn't moving and had a turn signal on.

A few weeks ago, I got stuck behind a car driving at maybe 2 to 5 mph in heavy traffic. I was stuck behind this car long enough to determine that they were not stalled; the driver was arguing with his passenger. It looked like a greasy older man and either a tiny old lady or a little girl. As we went through a heavy traffic intersection, I honked. The car slowed down even more, causing a huge traffic pile-up. I was able to swerve around him, and everyone behind me was forced to swerve, as well.

I could go on and on. Bicyclists pedal across busy intersections without looking. People cross roads without looking to see if traffic is coming. Cars change lanes or pull into busy roads without checking to see if anyone is coming. This is normal, daily driving in Austin.

I’m pondering the nature of hatred as I write the fourth novel in my Torth series. The interaction between two characters (one of them a new introduction) who grow to absolutely hate each other on a personal level is a challenge for me, and my particular set-up feels like unexplored territory in fiction. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any comparable examples.

The closest might be Harry Potter and Professor Snape. Harry Potter and Snape are both on the same team, forced to interact for the larger good, yet they can hardly tolerate being in the same room together. This is similar to my character situation, except that the Potter and Snape relationship is skewed in favor of one character over the other. Harry Potter has valid reasons to hate Snape, but Snape simply equates Harry with the school bully who tormented him. In my opinion, this makes it harder to identify with Snape. If you had to side with one or the other, most people would side with Harry. Snape is just a little too greasy, a little too mindlessly supportive of Draco Malfoy.

My characters locked in mutual hatred are meant to balance each other. They’re both good guys. They’re both on the same team, which holds them in check. They both have equally valid reasons for wanting to strangle the other to death. (To readers: I can’t say names or details without giving major spoilers.)

This got me thinking about the nature of hatred. It seems to me that fictional hate relationships tend to be impersonal and sketchy. The grand scale of hero vs. villain hatred is alien to the average person. A serial killer or a tyrannical dictator is almost like a force of nature. Even if the villain orders the hero's family to be murdered and gets the hero framed for the crime, readers have to acknowledge that the villain is just acting in his or her best interest. Fictional villains usually target the hero because he or she has the wrong genes, or happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The villain simply acts; all the hatred comes from the hero, who reacts. This is not the simmering, mutual hatred that leads siblings to tattle on each other, or divorced couples to use their children as pawns against each other. Most people can’t identify with grand-scale hatred, but everyone has some personal experience with mutual or personal hatred. Personal hatred seems to come from a betrayal of trust. It’s the flip side of respect or love.

Is there anyone whom you once admired? Someone whom you used to protect out of love? Someone you once held in great esteem? Someone who used to be your role model? Is this person now the one you speak of with venom, and can’t say two kind words about?

Yeah. That’s the chemistry between my two hate-filled characters. In a different story, they might admire each other. They are naturally inclined to respect each other. But each character feels as if the other did him a grave injustice, or has grossly misjudged him.

Both of these characters consider themselves to be very wise, but their world views are polar opposites. One character wears his emotions on his sleeve, while the other hides everything he feels. One character tells the truth no matter who it hurts, while the other sees no problem with lying. One character is deeply spiritual, the other is abhors religion. One is an adventurer, while the other would rather stay home and hide. One is a gambler, the other takes no risks. One advocates peace, the other is a war-monger. One sees the universe going to hell in a hand-basket, the other is wildly optimistic. One curses like a sailor, the other uses scientific jargon. They are hot and cold. They are night and day. All their personal differences add to the friction.

Real life abounds with this spectrum of friction. It’s as much a part of life as love. In America, we see outspoken atheists sharing a family with the devoutly religious. We see liberal Greenpeace advocates living and working with conservative Republicans. This is our world. I don’t know what side of the fence you fall on in those examples, but if you’re anywhere close to the middle, you probably agree that both sides have some merit and certainly have a right to exist. But people on the extreme fringes would disagree. They scream with fury if forced to spend significant amounts of time with their polar opposite.

That’s the kind of hatred I’m talking about. Personal hatred seems to parallel the love formula. Two characters meet, they get to know each other, they exchange scathing verbal attacks (as opposed to flirting), they are thrown into a situation where they have to rely on each other (as opposed to torn apart and having to rely on themselves), they start making death threats towards each other (instead of long for each other) and tearing the other down at every opportunity (as opposed to reuniting in romantic bliss).

I’m learning as I write that hate is just as complex as love, and takes just as long to build. I’m eager to see reader reactions on this one. Torth Book 4, World of Wreckage, will be finished sometime this year. As always, please let me know if you’d be willing to test read my Torth series. Unfortunately, the fourth book in the series only makes sense if you’ve read the first three.

One more positive book review! I listened to the (unabridged) first book in Jeffry Lindsay's Dexter series, about the serial killer who kills other serial killers. It's a new twist on crime thrillers, and despite being a cold-hearted serial killer, Dexter has a lot of personality and interesting inner monologue. If you've ever wondered if you're missing something about human interaction, you'll empathize with Dexter. The book's one weakness was the author's penchant for alliteration. Dear despondent Debra, discombobulated dorkiness, D'oh!

Refrain from watching season 1 of the TV show Dexter if you plan to read. It follows the book very closely.

My favorite book reviews are negative. They rip apart books dumb enough or unoriginal enough for me to hate, written by a best-selling or critically acclaimed novelist. But since I want to avoid winding up on a blacklist, I will henceforth only post positive book reviews. Nancy Farmer's The House of the Scorpion fits the bill.

Fresh, original premise, sympathetic and strong protagonist, fast pace, tight plot, great setting and characters, scintillating dialogue, serious underlying themes, all wrapped in a light young adult package. The House of the Scorpion has it all. Go read it.

Need more encouragement? Let's see. I picked up this book from my local library because the back cover blurb sounded interesting. It's about the teenage clone of a drug lord/dictator, set in a future where mind-altering drugs and human slavery are legal in North America. I wondered how a young adult author would handle such weighty topics. I figured the protagonist would stay ignorant throughout most of the novel, until (HORRORS!) he figures out the evil around him (sugar-coated evil, of course), and easily escapes.

Nope. Nancy Farmer stays authentic to the situation. Matteo suffers the best and worst childhood imaginable, full of unique details that bring to life a high tech, futuristic dictatorship located in northern Mexico. Nothing comes easily for him, least of all, escape. Not only must he deal with the sinister implications of being a clone, but he's the pampered clone of a particularly feared and hated tyrant. He must figure out the secrets kept around him in order to survive, and he also has to navigate a tough world of criminals, child labor, drug trafficking, and communist ideologues. And somehow, Nancy Farmer managed to weave a romantic subplot in all that danger!

Seriously, this novel is adventure, science fiction, romance, action, coming of age, and adult themes, all rolled into one. Go read it!
(P.S. -- Don't read the Wikipedia article unless you want spoilers.)

At last, the wait is over ... you can watch all four of my CalArts student films on YouTube!

Here's Like Liz and Beth, made in my third year.

This film was screened at the CalArts Producers Show and the Museum of Modern Art in New York City.

My channel on YouTube is AbbyBabble. Comments on the videos are welcome.

I modified a drawing I had using a stylus and Photoshop, to recreate a character from my Torth series. This is Alex as a prisoner (Book 1).

Alex as a prisoner of the Torth

One more piece of my own fan art. I can't say much about this character without giving spoilers, but he has quite a reputation. If you've read Book 1, CITY OF SLAVES, you'll recognize him as Jonathan Stead.

Jonathan Stead from the Torth series

More of my own fan art.

These characters are Rhianna, Cherise, and Margot, shortly after being enslaved to the Torth.

Torth slaves
Those green collars around their necks ensure that they wake up and sleep when the Torth want them to. Green means it's a work shift.

I've colorized some ink drawings from my TORTH series of novels. I like drawing fan art for my own books. It's almost like having a fan.

This character is the Indigo Governess. She has the power to telepathically absorb knowledge and memories, whether or not you want her to. But does she use this power to help people? No. She uses it to gain personal power.

Torth fat girl
Quote: "When I want something, you give it to me."

A lot of really great books get overlooked by the general public and best-seller lists, a fact which saddens me. Of course, "great" is a subjective opinion. Still, sometimes I'm baffled when I find gleaming treasure that no one else seems to have noticed.

I just finished re-reading Tad Williams' four book Otherland saga. This series is everything The Matrix films should have been, and better. It's just a stunningly awesome tale. It's deep on many levels. It's about the nature of reality, the nature of religion, the way humans perceive things, the nuances of the human psyche, all wrapped in a shell of epic science fiction with romance, adventure, and overtones of fantasy. It blows my mind that so few people have enjoyed this series, or even know what I'm talking about.

The only reason someone might be off-put by Otherland is the density of the writing. Tad Williams is wordy. He's obviously a LotR fan, and he delights in fantastical descriptions. But you know what? He's good at it. His descriptions are masterful. I'm happy to sit there and let him describe the horror of being chased by a giant Egyptian god, or the wonder of stepping off a cliff and finding yourself able to fly.

The first Otherland book was published in 1996, and it's a tiny bit dated in terms of technology. It was written during the end of the virtual reality craze. But it still holds up well! Otherland is about a near-future where people have integrated their daily lives with online lives. People wear virtual sims (avatars) to do their online shopping and business. Kids spend their free time in virtual worlds that sound a lot like World of Warcraft, although Tad Williams wrote this series before WoW or Everquest. People form close friendships with people in distant countries, whom they've never talked to or seen in real life. People take pride in making their virtual reality bodies look super-awesome or super-realistic, or both. Aside from the virtual reality factor, this is visionary stuff, considering that it was written in the early 1990s.

In a virtual world where real people choose their own body/voice/identity, relationships get complicated. It's great. Two of the main characters are a teenage boy & girl (friends) who wear heroic male identities. When the boy finds out that his best friend is really a girl, he starts having protective feelings towards her, and worries that he's gay. For her part, the girl thought it was fun to be a guy, but she has to sort out the way people react and treat her differently when they discover that she was lying for years.

There's a blind woman whose virtual body looks very generic--but she is a pivotal character and not at all generic in personality. And best of all, there's a man who wears the body of a baboon, which really complicates his love life. There's also a teenager who looks like a giant robot. That's always good.

Enemies? This series has awesome antagonists. Felix Jongleur is a multi-trillionaire whose body resides in a vat of gels designed to keep him alive. He's over 200 years old, but he wants immortality, and he does some truly vile things in pursuit of that goal. I mean REALLY vile. I can't say it without giving away the ending of the series, but it involves incest and clones.

My favorite character is Paul Jonas, the amnesiac wanderer and target of everyone. Paul is simply awesome. In the beginning of the series, he believes that he's a trench soldier fighting in WWI. He has no memories of being placed in a virtual simulation world. As the series progresses, Paul slowly figures out that 1) he belongs in the 21st century, and he must be in a virtual network more realistic than any he's ever encountered, 2) he's being hunted by scary figures with weird abilities, a la Agent Smith in The Matrix, and 3) he has no idea where his real body is, or why he can't disengage from the network.

Paul's memories come back to him bit by bit, like puzzle pieces, as he flees from virtual world to virtual world. He hides in a post-apocalyptic version of London, and remembers 21st century London. He glimpses a princess in another virtual world, and recognizes her as someone he loved in real life. He talks to a swashbuckling hero and finally meets someone real, whom he's sure isn't just A.I. He interrogates an oracle in a Venetian underworld, and learns a few secrets that allow him to travel through the Otherland network more easily. But through all of this, Paul is lonely and terrified, unsure who to trust, or who is real. Paul isn't even 100% sure that he's real, himself.

Paul eventually meets up with the rest of the ensemble cast, other real people stranded in the vast Otherland network, unable to unplug. Their real bodies are in comas. Some of them are in hospitals, or are cared for by family members. But there's a difference between Paul and everyone else: Paul did not plug himself into the network. As far as Paul remembers, he doesn't even have a neurocannular (a jack that allows him to plug into virtual reality). No one else is being hunted by the most powerful agents in the network; only Paul. And only Paul is visited by a strange angelic apparition who gives him riddles and advice, sort of like a brain-damaged game character. When Paul stumbles into a virtual simulation of Homer's Odyssey, he finds himself in the title role, assailed by sea monsters and goddesses. Since everyone who dies in Otherland winds up dead in real life, Paul is desperate to survive. He is very much an ordinary man who has to become a hero.

I could rave on and on about how awesome this series is. Aside from the battle between the forces of narcissistic trillionaires and ordinary people trying to save their comatose family members, and aside from the question of who is real or not real, there is a central mystery that gets answered in a stunning reveal at the end of the series. The mystery: What is Otherland? Otherland is a collection of interconnected virtual worlds, but those worlds seems indistinguishable from reality, far beyond any technology known to mankind in this series. People trapped in Otherland can die there, or go blind, or feel as if they're being tortured. People trapped in Otherland can't unplug. Otherland seems more than the sum of its human-designed code. Strange figments roam the Otherland worlds, virtual children who have the traveling privileges of real people (users), but who have no memories of any other life. Then there's Paul's angel, the woman who appears to him in different guises and different worlds, but who seems drawn to him. The angel can only appear to him once in each world, and she follows game logic, a set of hard-code rules--she's unable to converse on a human level--yet she also embodies elements of a real person whom Paul once knew.

I guess it takes a certain kind of patience to read this series. It is dense with words. Still, I can't believe it isn't more popular. I can't believe Hollywood hasn't made it into a trilogy of movies yet. The second time I read it was just as amazing as the first time. This is a work of genius, one of the few books/series I will ever speak of in such terms.

I can be cynical and critical, but right now, I'm a raving fan girl!

I began writing the third novel in my Torth Empire series in January 2009. I completed it on June 1st. This first draft weighs in at 128,000 words (roughly 500 pages), and I hope to shave off a few thousand words on the second pass. But it was an absolute joy to write. I would have completed it much faster, if real life didn't keep me so busy. I poured in a few hours here, a few hours there, usually late at night. The characters showed up vibrant in my mind, ready to continue their story. It all came together nicely.

I'm still high from the experience of writing it, so don't trust my judgment ... but I think this is the best novel I've ever written.

Of course, that's not saying much, since this is the first NEW novel I've written in over seven years. I've improved as a writer and as a person since the early 2000s. But the experience has taught me that I am a writer at heart. It is in my blood. I enjoy it too much to deny it. I will write many more new novels in the coming years.

Book 3: City of the Dead picks up where Book 2: Caves and Canyons left off. The characters think they're escaping to safety, and then ... well, I can't dilvulge the details. You'll have to read to find out. And by the way, I am always interested in test readers. I welcome feedback, even criticism, and I will never pressure you to finish reading, so there is no obligation involved. Let me know if you'd like to test read!

Just for fun, here are a few out-of-context quotes from my new novel:

"My calculations would take an average genius weeks to work through. I did it in half an hour."
"You have free will. Now turn around once in a complete circle."
"I recommend that we fly into the sun and kill ourselves."
"They have a system called justice. I very much like the idea."

If you know my characters, you can probably guess who said each of those quotes.

And now I will begin to climb the mountain of marketing. I have plans to make an official author site for myself, which will include a high quality, interactive TORTH section. What do you think? The TORTH net will include an alien encyclopedia (with information about culture, physiology, and native habitat for each intelligent species), a guide to choosing your own spacecraft, a photo guide to Torth and their ranks, and either a web comic based on the Torth universe, or an interactive "Thomas Guide," where the user can view Thomas's childhood on Earth in a series of animated vignettes which Thomas comments upon. If you can suggest other ideas, please do so.

My time for marketing is now. I've come to the stunning realization that I can market my work before I get published. The science fiction book genre industry is a fickle business, and some of my newly discovered heroes among authors include Scott Sigler and Mark Jeffrey, who put a lot of effort into networking with fans and marketing their books, as well as honing their writing skills by welcoming feedback. I admire how they built their careers from the ground up, circumventing the traditional route of agent-editor-publisher. Like every other unpublished novelist, I want to go the traditional route, but in this economy and with the changing climate of publishing, there are no guarantees. so we'll see what happens. But I have confidence that someday, my Torth series will see the light of publication--and I hope that my readers, new and returning, will help me get there.

I work at home, so this dog is my full-time companion. We take daily hikes. I've owned her for six months!

Saphira graduates

After her graduation, I took her to the RedBud dog park in Austin. It's on an island, so the dogs can't easily escape. What a great park! There were about thirty dogs on the island, chasing and wrestling each other, fetching balls, swimming. Saphira had the time of her life. I had a good time too, chatting with other dog owners while our furry friends played.

Some people may be wondering if I've disappeared off the map. I wonder the same thing myself sometimes. I've had a lot of R&R time here in Missouri, more than I thought possible for myself. So what have I done with all this amazing mana-from-heaven free time? Did I use it to further my career? No. Did I change my life in any fundamental way? Nope. Did I get engaged or married? No, but I got a puppy. Did I get a novel published? No, but I'm still trying. Did I write a new novel? No, but I wrote the first half of one.

Mostly, I spent the last few months trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. I'm at a major crossroads. Do I want to remain in the game industry or seek a new start? Do I want to work for myself or for a major corporation? Do I ever want to settle down and raise a family? How much effort is my writing non-career worth, and what balance should I seek?

These may seem like simple choices to you. You've probably already made the decisions, and they're sealed ... or you have a very strong idea of what you want in life.

When I was in high school, people would tell me how envious they were of my ability to KNOW what I wanted in life. They would say, "You're so lucky you're an artist; you know what college to go to and what job you'll have afterwards." And I felt lucky. I loved having my shining future planned out. Of course, at the time, I never doubted that I would be highly happy and successful by the age of 25. I saw myself as the next James Baxter of animation, or maybe I'd be like Brad Bird and direct my own blockbuster animated features.

Okay, I'm not in Los Angeles any more. What's more is, I don't particularly WANT to move back to Los Angeles. The city is loud, smoggy, expensive, pretentious, and animation is often not the glamour job it's reported to be. I lived in Los Angeles for twelve years. I have unpleasant memories of applying at TV and movie studios, and taking on crappy freelance jobs. My animator friends have similar experiences. The industry hasn't changed. But I've changed. My tolerance for the low pay, job instability, and lack of respect towards artists has gone way, way, way down. I almost enjoyed it at age 22. I wear my bad experiences like a badge of honor. Animation is like a fraternity; you have to get hazed by bad jobs before other animators will admit you're one of them. But my hazing days are over. I've been there and done that.

I'm moving to Austin, Texas, with my boyfriend Phil. Austin is a city of technology and video game development. I took a break from full-time work while we lived in Missouri, but I plan to pick up my career in Austin. I have a lot of worries about what sort of job I'll be able to find. I want something that's fun, challenging, and pays well. I'm worried that such a job doesn't exist, so what do I settle for?

And then there's my love life. I won't be airing any details here (sorry to disappoint), but Phil and I disagree on one major, important issue. I'm afraid to think in terms of engagement and marriage right now, because this one issue does not allow for compromise. Could I ever be a mother and raise kids? If you know me, you know my reaction. And being a mother means making all kinds of sacrifices that I think would lead me into deep depression. I don't feel as if I've fulfilled my potential in life yet. I don't want to cut short my remaining opportunities. Yes, I really want to leave a mark somewhere. I want to have an impact in the book industry, or in games, or on the internet. I feel as if I can make an impact, given the right time and resources. I don't feel as if my "destiny" (using a cliche here) is to be someone's mom. You may go ahead and cite J.K. Rowling as an example of a mother who made her mark, but I dare you to name another.

And then there's my goal of being a career novelist. I've aimed a lot of effort into this goal over the past ten years, and so far, the tree ain't bearing no fruits. My mantra is "I will keep trying to get published, even when I'm 80 years old." But now the question becomes one of balance. How much time is this effort worth? I write novels instead of making new friends. I write novels instead of updating my animation reel and applying for jobs. I write novels instead of furthering my software skill set. I get nice reader reactions, but I have trouble inducing any literary agents or publishers to look at my work. I write because I believe in my ability to communicate and affect readers, and because it's fun ... but should I refocus my efforts on another project in another medium? Maybe I should create my own animated show. It would require more work and it might be a hair less fun for me, but it would get more immediate reactions and hone my art skills.

I could work on my Darwin's Gap project and finish a funny webisode or two. My short animations might gain noteriety in contests and stuff.

I could make a more serious animated show, set in my Torth universe, and put it all online for free. This might generate interest in my novels.

I could create and maintain an educational website about a subject I'm interested in, and keep it entertaining, thereby gaining noteriety.

I could found my own art outsourcing company for video games, and try to make life better for video game artists.

I could finish my horror-thriller screenplay, enter it in contests, and try to get my foot into the screenwriting industry. Maybe I'll have better luck there than in novels.

I could get a job as an environmental artist to further my 3D skills (I already know animation and low poly modeling), use this knowledge to create an amazing 3D short film set in my Torth universe, and use the film to generate interest in my novels or get a job at Pixar.

I could write story and dialogue for video games, and possibly design a game based in my Torth universe, thereby generating interest in my novels.

I could go into architecture or marketing, and learn completely new things in a completely different industry.

Or I could continue writing novels and wait for one of them to sell to a major publisher.

Tell me, what would be the best use of my time? I can't decide. I can't do all of the above (unless I get another 300-400 years of life). Every option has pros and cons, and I always second-guess my choices.

Enough of that. For your viewing pleasure, I've posted puppy photos of Saphira (below). She's a nine-month old heeler-basenji mix. We adopted her from a shelter. She's very sweet, friendly, and playful, and oddly quiet for a dog.

Saphira

Saphira

Saphira

And our cat Fiona is up on the LOLCATS website! Here's the links:

Fiona 1
Fiona 2

So is our neighbor's cat, Mary:

Mary

Earlier this year, I drove 1,650 miles with my friend Val. We managed the drive in 4 days and included some sightseeing along the remains of old Route 66.

CLICK HERE for a photo journey of our trip.

Cities we spent the night in:

• Flagstaff, Arizona
  
• Albuquerque, New Mexico
  
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
  
• Springfield, Missouri
  
• St. Louis, Missouri
  

Sites we saw:

• Calico Ghost Town, California
  
• Petrified Forest, Arizona
  
• Painted Desert, Arizona
  
• Old Town Albuquerque, New Mexico
  
• Amarillo, Texas
  
• Tulsa, Oklahoma
  

The trip was a lot of fun. If you check out my photo journal and would like to use one of the photos, just let me know. Here's a small sample of the Painted Desert:
the Painted Desert

If you include my four years of college, I've lived in the same Southern California valley for nearly 12 years. Now I'm going to enter a new decade of my life by moving to the American midwest.

Why Missouri, you ask? Well, 1) boyfriend is waiting there, 2) new job is waiting there, 3) house and lower cost of living, and 4) just for the change. As much as I enjoy living in California, I've grown increasingly bored with the lifestyle. It's almost too easy. I can go to Disneyland or San Diego, ocean kayaking or skiing, out to the high desert or up to wine country, clubs or theatres, whenever I want. And all my friends are here. Oh, okay ... so I'll miss California. A lot.

All the same, I'm excited about this new lifestyle awaiting me. I never expected I'd end up in Missouri, but then, I never expected I'd live in California for 12 years, either. Here's a photo of Phil and our Missouri "front lawn" (actually a park across the street):

Missouri front lawn

I don't know how many tornadoes we're going to face, or how my new job will compare to the old, but I look forward to all of it. And I will continue aiming to get my novels published. That hasn't changed.

As my new life gets started, I will make an effort to update this blog more often. For now, let me show you some pretty pictures of California and what I'm leaving behind.

Vasquez Rocks

Huntington Gardens

Los Angeles Music Hall

Griffith Observatory

Sausilito

I get tired of living in a disaster area ... actually, it could have been a lot worse. The fire department fought quickly and efficiently. Every time a new fire started, it looked as if helicopters were dropping water on them immediately. They stopped a lot of fires before they even got going.

These photos were taken last week, when the smoke started rolling in.

smoke-filled sky

acrid air

early afternoon sun

rolling smoke

Pretty, but I had a sore throat all that week!

Several neighborhoods near me had to evacuate. None of them lost their homes. Unfortunately, thousands of people did lose homes in San Diego and other regions of Southern California.

Right now, the sky is a clear blue and back to normal. We finally got some rain.