The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

In director John Landis' parody film - it was created by the ZAZ trio (David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker of Airplane! (1980) fame) - a group of comedy writers when they first performed as a Madison, Wisconsin comedy troupe. The comedy act moved on to Los Angeles, CA where they had a four-year stage run as "The Kentucky Fried Theater" at a rented warehouse in West Los Angeles, CA. John Landis' work on the film propelled him into being chosen as director for (National Lampoon's) Animal House (1978).

The independent film was essentially an unrelated, blatantly sexual, and racially-insensitive collection of comedy sketches (over two dozen) including parodies and fake commercials with no unified plot. It was as if one was surfing TV channels and projected films in a movie theatre - viewing the great variety of genre types provided by television and film programming in the 1970s. The entire film with extensive black comedy pushed the boundaries of its time by satirizing pop-culture of the 1970s. On a tiny budget of 650,000,ドル it made 7ドル.1 million at the box office.

See uncensored version here.

A Teaser for the Late-Night News:

11 O'Clock News (Part 1)

The anchorman at a desk reported:

"The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in. Film at 11."

A Company Commercial:

"Argon Oil"

A spokesperson (Colin Male) for Argon Oil announced unique processes and alternative sources that the company was using to save energy costs. The oil from the acne-covered faces of adolescent teenagers was being extracted at a plant in Fairbanks, AK.

Additional sources of reclaimed oil were found by an Argon affiliate in Milan from the trashed "well-worn" combs of resident Italian city-dwellers. And back in the US, oil was being extracted from American "carry-out" fast-foods in Oakland, CA, and in Beaumont, TX at a roadside burger and chili dog joint (as burps were heard), natural gas was being collected.

A Morning News and TV Show:

"A.M. Today"

The hosts of a morning TV show, Barbara Duncan (Janice Kent) and Frank Bowman (Michael Laurence), announced a number of featured segments (the speed of learning of Louisiana pupils, slow trains in Vermont, a visit with a "furry Australian friend," and the craze of smoke detector alarms), before a live mini-cam report at the Convention Center on the week-long New York City teacher's strike. However, technical glitches prevented correspondent Ron Butler's (Mike Hanks) on-location report (and he began picking his nose).

The next programming item was a debate segment (COUNT-POINTER COUNT) between conservative John Fitzsimmons (William Tregoe) and "bleeding-hearts liberal" Sheila Hamilton (Eloise Hardt). The liberal responded to the pompous Fitzsimmons with an obscene flurry of swear words, and a challenge to sit on her extended middle finger. A second attempt to communicate with Ron Butler (after the teacher's balloting vote was completed) caught him scratching his rear end on-camera.

During her introduction to a "daily feature" segment featuring an Astrologer (Mallory Sandler), Barbara Duncan reminded viewers: "These reports are not intended to foster a belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives." The Astrologer Joyce was seated next to a circular wheel of the various astrological signs, and offered advice for Libras to delay spending for "a big purchase," and Virgos could expect "an untimely death or perhaps a tragic dismemberment of someone very close to you." There were other startling suggestions and recommendations, including those with a Gemini sign (like herself) who could "expect the unexpected." As she signed off - her prediction about Geminis came true - she was lethally shot in the chest with an arrow.

The next feature was with chatty Judy Morton (Ellen Regan) from the San Diego Wild Animal Preserve who first showed off a rare Australian gerbil named Oscar. Then, after haphazardly throwing the gerbil over her shoulder, she brought out a furry brown gorilla named Dino (Rick Baker). The beast became crazed and agitated after Judy described unsuccessful mating attempts, and commented that Dino might be impotent. It attacked and tore off the shirt-top of the animal handler, and tossed other studio personnel away, including a TV Technician (the director John Landis!). [Note: Actor Rick Baker had portrayed the title character in director Dino de Laurentis' King Kong (1976).]

The next segment of the morning show was a late news review by Tom Leclair about a recent meeting of OPEC ministers in Teheran, Iran, and a potential price hike on oil products. However, his report was interrupted by the gorilla crashing the studio set, so the cameras switched over to Ron Butler, whose audio hook-up had been restored. He reported that the final tally would be available after counting the absentee ballots. As a Gemini, he claimed that he never knew what to expect - and he too was hit by arrow. The show ended with Dino destroying the network's TV camera.

Short Sketch:

"His New Car"

Movie Trailer for Sexploitation Film (also a parody of WIP (Women-in-Prison) films)

"Previews of Our Coming Attractions"
(announced with a trumpet fanfare)

Satire About Movie Theater Gimmicks

The Movie-Going Experience - With "Feel-Around" (a Parody of Sensurround)

A young man (Jeff Maxwell) stood outside a theater's marquee reading: "SEE YOU NEXT WEDNESDAY IN FEEL-AROUND." [Note: This was an in-joke often seen in John Landis' films. It referred to a non-existent film titled: "See You Next Wednesday."] The male bought a 3ドル ticket from the Box Office Girl (Julia Embree), gave his ticket to the Ticket Taker (Bruce Bonnheim) who warned him about how the film was being presented in "Feel-Around," and bought popcorn from the Candy Counter Girl (Tracy Landis).

[Note: The outdoor lobby of the theatre displayed a poster from Landis' own horror-comedy Schlock (1973) - his directorial debut film.]

In the movie theatre, the melodrama was presented with the added movie-going pleasure of "Feel-Around." The male movie-going patron experienced what was happening on screen by having a red-jacketed usher (Michael Alaimo) stand behind him to mirror and synch him up to the actions of the on-screen female lover (voice of Tina Louise) -- he was touched and groped during the smelling of cigarette smoke and perfume, the spilling of a drink, a cigarette burn followed by bandaging, hair-massaging, shoulder and chest-rubbing, rough-handling (due to jealousy), quarrelling, and even the placement of a knife to his throat, although followed by a loving kiss on the neck.

As the male was leaving, the sequence ended with the announcer suggesting that the patrons stay around for the next feature-length film presentation of Deep Throat. The male movie-goer fled screaming and running away from the creepy, smiling usher.

Drug Ad

"Nytex, P.M."

A commercial for Nytex PM (a parody of Nyquil PM) to relieve headache pain was advertised as "the pain reliever that works while you sleep." However, the drug taker (Jerry Zucker) was completely unconscious the following morning and could not be awakened by his wife (Katherine Wooten), who slapped him, poured water on him, and shook him before dragging him out of the bed.

The advertiser claimed: "Nytex relaxes you, relieves pain from tension and minor discomfort so you wake up feeling so wonderful, refreshed and ready to begin a new day. It's hard to believe you went to bed with a headache when you wake up feeling so wonderful in the morning. That's Nytex PM, it's hard to believe."

A TV Interview with a Host and Guest - With an Intrusive (and Sometimes Helpful) Boom Microphone

"High Adventure"

Gray-haired French adventurer and explorer Claude LaMont (Barry Dennen) was the show's guest being interviewed by balding host Paul Burmaster (Joseph G. Medalis). During the talk show's discussion about "poisonous fish," both the guest and host were continually hit in the head by the inept boom-mike operator's microphone visible in the picture frame. The "poisonous fish (that) will kill you faster than a bullet" were found in the Atlantic and the Pacific.

At one point, the microphone rested on the interviewer's chest, and magnified the sound of his heart beating. When his heart stopped, the guest applied several chest poundings in order to revive him, and the show continued as if nothing had happened. The boom mike verified that his heart was beating normally.

The microphone also was used to shave the face of LaMont. It also dipped itself into a pitcher of water on the table in front of them and began sucking up the liquid, making the audio garbled, and causing the microphone to burp. As the interview concluded, the host took out a cigarette that was lit by the helpful microphone.

A Second Teaser for the Late-Night News:

11 O'Clock News (Part 2)

The anchorman again reported:

"Moscow in flames. Missiles headed toward New York. Film at 11."

Spoof of Drug Commercial:

"Headache Clinic"

Actor Bill Bixby (as Himself) hosted a drug advertisement for a product to cure headache pain, colds, and minor arthritic discomfort, known as Sanhedrin (a parody of Excedrin).

[Note: Sanhedrin literally means "council" or "assembly," usually a reference to the highest Jewish judicial and religious council of elders after the exile in Egypt, in the ancient land of Israel.]

He entered a door to "the world's leading headache clinic" to show tests demonstrating the cure by his "safe and effective" product - white coated technicians and scientists were hitting people in the head with small hammers, breakable bottles, etc.

Another Commercial:

"Household Odors"

In this commercial (although there was no promoted deodorizing product), a housewife (Marcy Goldman) remembered back to a time when three houseguests (Dulcie Jordan, Gracia Lee, and Sheila Rogers) felt uncomfortable visiting her, and made critical and humiliating comments about the "lingering odors" emanating from inside her house:

• Fish for dinner last night?
• Phew! Harvey still smoking those cigars?
• Christ! Did a cow s--t in here?

Step-by-Step How-to-Guides for Sex

"The Wonderful World of Sex" (aka "Sex Record")

A Girl (Sharon Kaugh) and Boy (Jack Baker), a black couple, had just finished a candlelight dinner in the male's apartment. He whispered a suggestion to the female - and then went to his phonograph player and changed the record. He put on "The Joy of Sex" phonograph record album - a sex-manual providing vocal instructions on pleasurable sexual experience.

The deep-voiced self-help narrator provided assurances that there would be "sexual fulfillment." The couple were instructed by the voice to proceed to opposite areas of the bedroom (where a "conjugal bed" was located) to disrobe: ("The revelation of erogenous zones is an enticing prelude to sexual foreplay"). The male clumsily awkwardly stumbled over furniture as he removed his pants, before they were in each other's arms.

As they sat on the bed, the voice suggested that the male tell the female one of three choices: "'A', I love you, 'B', I need you, or 'C', I want you." When instructed, the female retreated to the bathroom "to insert the birth control device," as the male expectantly waited on the bed. Soon after, the "petting" stage of foreplay began - "seeking out the erogenous zones." As they kissed passionately - "working themselves into a sexual frenzy," the male experienced the frequent problem of premature ejaculation.

There were promises that the sex-instruction album came equipped with the saving appearance of former NFL league player "Big Jim Slade" (Manuel Perry), whose accomplishments were detailed:

"BIG JIM, former tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, is outfitted with various whips, chains, and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off! BIG JIM has satisfied women throughout the world! And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!"

At the same time, Big Jim suddenly burst through the door, flexed his muscles, and walked in on the couple. As Big Jim entered the room, a Hebrew song welcomed him: "Hevenu Shalom Aleichem." He carried the female away through the busted-down door as the scene concluded, leaving the dumb-founded and embarrassed male on the bed.

The Presentation of the Feature Film Attraction:

"A Fistful of Yen"
(A takeoff on the title A Fistful of Dollars (1964, It.))

A Spoof of 1970s Cinema Genres including Martial-arts films (i.e. Enter the Dragon (1973))

With a fanfare, the "Feature Attraction" was presented to the viewer - a Bruce Lee Kung-Fu remake and parody.

On the Isle of Lucy, April 9, 11:42 AM, a large nuclear blast was filmed and provided by Russian intelligence three days earlier. Two Britishers, Asquith (Eric Micklewood) and Pennington (Derek Murcott) watched a slide-show and spoke about how the attack was possibly Red Chinese-initiated, although Radio Peking denied involvement. The notorious villain and criminal Chinese mastermind Dr. Klahn (Han Bong Soo) had built a mountain fortress and was engaged in "nefarious activities": "Opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution....and global extortion." Klahn had kidnapped a famous Chinese nuclear physicist, Prof. Ada Gronick (Ingrid Wang), in order to create a nuclear detonator to "flatten the world." Klahn's "tough and ruthless" bodyguard was Butkus (Nathan Jung).

In Hong Kong (although the subtitle was placed over the Statue of Liberty in New York City's harbor), martial arts teacher Loo (Evan C. Kim, the Bruce-Lee character) was instructing his kung-fu students on a green outdoor lawn, where he told one insolent young man - with a lisp: "What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation." Loo was hired for 50,000 pounds by the UK government (via Pennington) to infiltrate Klahn's base and defeat his massive Army of goon fighters ("deadly killers"). He accepted after being told he could possibly kill "fifty, maybe sixty people."

In the Hartz Mountains of Asia near Klahn's hideout, Loo (with his servants carrying their luggage) was met by Ming Chow (blonde Swedish actress Agneta Eckemyr) who greeted him: "You are joining a noble leader." She led the contingent to Klahn's Oriental headquarters. On the lawn, they watched Klahn's Army recruits practice-fighting and throwing bowler hats at statues to decapitate them. [Note: A reference to Oddjob in the James Bond film Dr. No (1962).] Inside, they came up to Klan, seated on a throne surrounded by his concubines. After greeting Loo, Klahn spoke in Korean - translated, he claimed that he felt obligated to speak in the native tongue to provide authenticity. Loo held up a sign to kidnapped Ada ("ADA I HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU"). She returned his series of odd facial winks.

An Asian prisoner brought before Klahn was beheaded - and additionally, Klahn ordered his body to be taken away and tortured. A second captured CIA spy-infiltrator (Tony Gaznick) who insulted Klahn: "You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard!"; Klahn ordered a harsher punishment: "Take him to Detroit!" - and the agent yelled out: "No! No, not Detroit! No, no Please! Anything but that! No! No!" In his room while about to discuss rescue plans with Ada Gronick, she showed Loo bugs, listening devices and microphones that were planted everywhere and spying on him. Parts of their dialogue were adapted from real-life recordings of Nixon's Watergate tapes.

While searching the premises after entering a secret passageway in a bookcase, Loo came upon a Guide (Chris Abbott) leading a group of tourists (following a white line) through Dr. Klahn's underground facility, where his white-coated scientists in various research labs were devising ways to destroy the world: opium and heroin processing for world-wide distribution, germ warfare (with bio-chemicals), and the unleashing of an atomic detonator. Loo deployed an innocent-looking "Toy Robot" (an actual early 1970s toy made in Japan and sold as a "Rotate-O-Matic Super Robot") that machine-gunned one of the lab technicians. Loo was discovered in the off-limits area, activating a red-uniformed alarm guy who sounded off alerts. In the style of Bruce Lee, Loo fought off many of Klahn's guards charging toward him with karate chops and lightning-fast kicks, and he was able to courageously overwhelm his opponents ("with a magnificent display of skill").

Meanwhile after a tracking shot to the left along the length of a fish aquarium, Dr. Klahn (with a giant dildo plugged into his interchangable socket at the end of his right hand) was in his boudoir with Ming Chow. She complimented him as "a man of extraordinary magnitude." Afterwards, she lit up an opium pipe. In front of a mirror, Klahn first used an electric toothbrush, and then plugged an electric hair-dryer into his right hand.

After Loo's capture in a cage with metal bars by Dr. Klahn, the mad magalomaniac led Loo through his fortress' prison to show off his prisoners - with three different kinds of characteristics:

- "Lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care"
- "Lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care!"
- "And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink."

One of the prisoners claimed he didn't know who he was, and another claimed that he didn't drink. And one who didn't care was considered out of place. Dr. Klahn ordered him to be moved to Cell # 1 where he was told to drink, but when asked what he wanted, he replied: "I don't care."

Dr. Klahn assembled a group of disobedient guards whom he deemed unworthy to remain. The three were to be punished by becoming contestants on a quiz show similar to The Dating Game with a host (David Wang) introducing three bachelors. The three guards (with pun-names) were: Long Wang, Hung Well, and Enormous Genitals. After Butkus snapped the necks of the first two guard contestants for answering questions improperly, Enormous Genitals answered appropriately, but then began to ingratiate himself to Dr. Klahn by praising and flattering him, but he mistakenly said: "Let's all give Dr. Klahn a great big hand!" The mad doctor - sensitive about his prosthetic hand, ordered the third contestant to also be killed.

The agile Loo was brought forward to face a final death match against Butkus, and he defeated and killed his opponent after a prolonged fight - with characteristic high-pitched and loud fight sounds. Meanwhile, Klahn's drunken and decrepit prisoners in his fortress were freed by Big Jim Slade, and were miraculously transformed into martial-arts experts (wearing black), who fought against the Klahn's bad guys (in white) - a reversal.

During a one-on-one fight between Loo and Dr. Klahn (with a metal, 4-clawed hand attached to his right arm) that caused walls to bleed when clawed, Klahn lost his weapon-attachment and replaced it with a flame-thrower. To defend himself, Loo splashed him with a bucket of water - and as the Wicked Witch also suffered in The Wizard of Oz (1939) , he cried out:

"No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!"

Pennington appeared to offer Loo Klahn's rights to his fortress (and its riches)as a reward for his service. Loo only wanted "to go back home, back to Kansas." Pennington told him that he had always had the power to return to Kansas - he only had to click his heels together and say: "There's no place like home." The 'feature film' attraction concluded with a second reference to The Wizard of Oz (1939) - the victorious Loo (with pigtails) woke up in his bed in Kansas (now in black and white) with his dog Toto, where the other characters (Auntie Em (Peggy Doyle), Pennington, Klahn, and Butkus) gathered around his bed. Auntie Em told him that he had been dreaming, but Loo insisted: "I was there...I was on this terrible mountain, ruled by the evil Dr. Klahn. And there were prisoners, and Jake was there, and Slim and Ben (the names for the three farm-hands). But maybe it was just a dream....It sure was real."

Loo explained what he had learned from his journey: "You can search all over for happiness, but there's really no need to look any further than your own front door. There are plenty of things you can do right here in your own community. You can visit a dairy and find out how milk is handled and prepared for delivery. Or plan a series of window displays on home safety. Or help start a library. Or discuss with your dentist what you can do to make your teeth more attractive." The film concluded with a chorus of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

Spoof of TV commercials:

"Willer Beer"

In a spoof of a Miller's Beer commercial (and the slogan "It's Miller Time!"), shaved-head, orange robe-draped Hare Krishnas (credited as "Bald Beer Drinkers") had just completed a hard-day's work of selling all of their cases of incense, and had "pestered over 60 pedestrians." After a "grueling day," they had run out of leaflets, and now were rewarding themselves with a Willer beer. They followed a Sailor (Patrick Strong) to the nearest local bar - as the Announcer spoke:

"Now, it's Willer Time. Time to kick off your sandals and pop open a Willer. The best tasted beer since 1892. It's time to relax after a tough day. You owe yourself the best-tasting beer you can find. It goes down easy. It's cool, refreshing, and far less filling."

They toasted themselves: "Hare Rama."

The Announcer continued: "You're only reincarnated six or seven times in life, so you've got to reach for all the gusto you can. WILLER."

A Third Teaser for the Late-Night News:

11 O'Clock News (Part 3)

The anchorman for the 11 O'Clock News again reported:

"Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven."

[Note: Two segments later, the announcement of an earthquake in Southern California in a new film was the main topic of a coming-attractions movie trailer.]

Commercial For a Family Board Game:

"Scot Free"

A family was playing a new Parker Bros.' board game called "Scot Free" (similar to Monopoly), but the board was reconfigured to resemble Dealy Plaza in Dallas, TX where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in November of 1963. The game was based upon the various conspiracy theories and alternative findings about JFK's death.

The announcer introduced the segment - showing two teams competing against each other, the daughter with her mother, and the father with his son:

"Your team has just assassinated the President. Can you get away 'scot free'? Shake the dice and see!"

After rolling the dice and getting a three, the young daughter moved her token (a rifle) and landed on a red "PATSY" corner square: ("Great! You've found a patsy. Roll again"). She then rolled a five and moved ahead. She landed on BONUS, and picked up a BONUS card reading: "JACK RUBY KILLS." The announcer excitedly claimed: "You get Jack Ruby to kill your Patsy! That's good, because dead men don't talk!"

The next player, the father, rolled but failed to move further: ("Oh no! Abraham Zapruder films the assassination! Tough break!"). The mother got a lucky break with another turn: "But now you go again! And a stroke of luck! 22 material witnesses die of unnatural causes!" The mother moved forward 4 spaces but landed on the "LIFE Buys" square:

"Uh-oh, look out! Life Magazine buys the Zapruder film! But, you buy Life Magazine and show the frames out of sequence!"

The final move was by the daughter who spun the Public Opinion board! She landed on "BELIEVES!" The announcer was overjoyed: "You've done it! The public believes it!"

A Mockery of Two Major Disaster Films in 1974 - Another Movie Trailer

"That's Armaggedon"

In a movie trailer of coming attractions, an announcer reported on another major disaster film, making reference to two previous disaster films in the same year - producer Irwin Allen's big-budget action-thriller The Towering Inferno (1974) with an all-star cast, and director Mark Robson's Earthquake (1974) that featured the gimmicky "Sensurround" in select theatres:

"If you were thrilled by The Towering Inferno ... if you were terrified by Earthquake ... then you will be SCARED S--TLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!"

In the new Samuel L. Bronkowitz produced film "That's Armageddon!", various stars were highlighted dealing with the aftermath of the large disaster.

- George Lazenby (as an Architect) stood up and declared: "I'm telling ou, this building is unsafe" - and as he predicted, the ceiling collapsed on him.
- Barbara Radnitz (as a Nurse) screamed in a hospital hallway.
- Jack Roberts (as the Governor) was forced to deal with the aftermath of the large disaster, and asked by his Aide (Jesse Emmett): "What are we going to do?"; before the Governor could answer, he was hit in the chest with an arrow.
- Donald Sutherland (as The Clumsy Waiter) stumbled and landed head-first in a decorated layer cake.
- A Firechief (Newell Alexander) warned his Fireman Larry (Armand Cerami) about entering a burning building and risking his life ("It's certain death"). Shortly later, the Firechief called out: "Larry, we're going now...Larry, we're starting the engines"
- A personal drama played out in the midst of the disaster between a Nurse (Victoria Carroll) and the Architect, as the Nurse begged him: "My reality ends all this...Leave her, come back to Montana with me...I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality...You know damn well what I'm saying."

TV PSA

"United Appeal For the Dead"

Henry Gibson (as Himself), a spokesperson for the United Appeal for the Dead, made a self-evident declaration to his audience:

"In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer."

He continued: "Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death," and explained the three early warning signs of death - with an appeal to keep corpses in a family setting:

1. Rigor Mortis
2. A Rotting Smell
3. Occasional Drowsiness

He also went on to warn: "It is also important to know what to do you when you die. One, do not attempt to drive a car. Two, do not operate heavy machinery. Third, do not talk."

A testimonial was offered by the Hefsteder family - Mrs. Hefsteder ( Roberta Kent) and her husband Johnny (Christopher Hanks) - about their son Johnny, who was revived after dying three years earlier:

Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives. We realize the constant joy that could be ours, as we were able to include him in our family activities. The United Appeal for the Dead turned misery into happiness. We have them to thank for our family's newfound togetherness.

Henry closed the segment with a plea for donations: "This is Henry Gibson saying: please give generously when death knocks at your door."

A Parody of 1950s Courtroom Dramas or Trial TV Shows:

Divided into Separate Parts

"Courtroom"

In a recreation of a trial and jury scene from the B/W TV program "Courtroom," it was prefaced by the court's Announcer Steven McCroskey (Jim Abrahams) in the courtroom audience describing a serious multi-car collision on September 22, 1957 with over 55,000ドル in damages. Judge Colis D. Smizer (Ross Durfee) presided over the courtroom.

The nerdy plaintiff Sheldon Grunwald's (David Zucker) lawyer Hornung (Michael McManus) mentioned in his opening remarks that Grunwald's car (on Feb 22nd?) had allegedly been rear-ended on US Highway 30 by the defendant Ms. Rita Filagree (Boni Enten), who was represented by her defense attorney Taylor (Dick Yarmy).

A jury trial was being held to decide the guilt or innocence of the defendant. Two of the jurors listening to the lawyers and testimony were Wally (the real Tony Dow) and Beaver (Jerry Zucker, instead of Jerry Mathers) from the late 1950s TV sitcom Leave It to Beaver.

Testifying on the stand, Sheldon (who the Judge said was "salaried" and "deals in a service") was questioned by his own lawyer Hornung. The questioning took the form of the popular "What's My Line?" game show from the 1950s-60s - an effort to guess Sheldon's occupation. The Judge ended the questioning prematurely due to a shortage of time and announced: "Mr. Grunwald is a spoon." The jury burst out laughing. On the stand, Sheldon became confused by his lawyer's questioning about his occupation as a driving instructor. Hornung examined his briefs (he looked down not at his papers but his underwear).

Under questioning by Taylor, Sheldon suddenly broke out and began singing: "Happy Birthday" to himself. There were various puns about the type of shirt fabric that Sheldon was wearing (described as "immaterial"), and how Taylor was literally "leading the witness" to a corner of the courtroom.

["Nesson Oil" commercial - see below]

Hornung asserted to the Judge how he would show "relevance" ("I will show how these facts relate to the case"). The lawyer called "surprise witness" Ms. Filagree to the stand. The Announcer described how she was a passenger in the vehicle driven by Grunwald, and "was pronounced dead at the scene." She was asked to identify the man driving the blue Buick - but then she broke down and couldn't point to Grunwald. After Hornung held up a large rubber phallus and shook it at her, he asked: "Young lady, are you familiar with the penile [PENAL] codes in this state?"

In the jury, the Beav and Wally spoke to each other:

The Beav: "You wouldn't cry if you was just gettin' yelled at, would ya Wally?"
Wally: "Heck no, Beav. Girls are different. I mean, if a guy cried, everybody'd think he was a creep or somethin'."

Questions were raised about the unusual pronounciation of the word "heinous" (or hideous) by Hornung. The Judge attempted to clarify by reading the definition for "hyenas" - "Any of a family of cowardly and carnivorous beasts of Asia and Africa." The effeminate, cross-dressing Court Stenographer Gordon Simley (Stephen Stucker) reacted: "Oh, take me to the drive-in and prove you love me." Wally and the Beav began to argue and fight against each other, but were scolded by a female juror to "Shush!" Hornung placed the dildo on his head and joked: "We mean no harm to your planet." Taylor complained to the Judge that Hornung was "making a mockery" of the proceedings.

Finally, Ms. Filagree broke down and pointed out the driver of the blue Buick - she identified the Announcer Stephen McCroskey as the guilty one, and the Bailiff (Bob Liddle) seized him. McCroskey was sentenced to 20 years in a federal penitentiary. The Narrator also announced further developments:

"Stenographer Gordon Simley had a sex change operation and is now a switch-hitter for the Atlanta Braves. Wallace and Theodore Cleaver had their allowances suspended and were sent to bed without supper."

["Cleopatra Schwartz" Preview - see below]

Spoof of a Food Commercial:

"Nesson Oil"
(Wesson Oil)

A husband (David Clover) and housewife (Brady Rubin/Vera Stough) in their home's kitchen casually discussed how their daughter was cooking the cat in "Nesson Oil":

Husband: "Well, what's our little skeptic doing today?"
Housewife: "She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil."

Nearby, they observed the daughter pushing the resistant and screeching cat into a pot.

Second "Previews of Our Coming Attractions"
(announced with a trumpet fanfare)

Female Blaxploitation action films - a Movie Trailer

"Cleopatra Schwartz"

The narrator for the movie trailer described the unlikely crime fighting duo of a violent African-American Cleopatra Schwartz (Marilyn Joi) and her Hasidic Jew husband Schwartz (Saul Kahan), during excerpts from the film in the preview:

She was six feet of black dynamite. He was a short Hasidic Jew. She fought a savage battle to stay alive in the ghetto. He studied the Talmud at night. While she burned the ghetto to the ground, he kindled the Sabbath candles. Theirs was a love of passion, a torrent sensual lust, fueled by those who said 'No.' Samuel L. Bronkowitz presents 'Cleopatra Schwartz.'

They alone dared to triumph in a hellish inferno of unrelenting desire. Never before has the screen unleashed such violent fury. Never again will one man and one woman defy such incredible odds. [The two worked together to machine-gun their enemies.] Together, no one could stop them.

A Parody or Spoof of 1950s Government-Funded HS Films: Educational Films Presents - Science Series No. 5

"Zinc Oxide and You"

One in a series of government- funded educational science films for high-school classrooms (Science Series No. 5) extolled the wonders of zinc oxide - and how it shouldn't be taken for granted.

The short sketch began innocently enough, as the omnipotent Narrator for the film provided commentary about how reliant everyone has become (without knowing it) on Zinc Oxide - and how the absence of the chemical would cause havoc if it was taken away:

Whether we know it or not, chemicals play an ever-increasing role in our daily lives. One of the oldest and most widely-used chemical compounds is zinc oxide. This policeman, this farmer, and this housewife don't realize it, but they all depend on zinc oxide in their daily lives.

A housewife's (Nancy Steen) bar of soap, the dish towels, her toaster, the brassiere she was wearing - and other items disappeared to prove that it would be hard for her to live without them. When told she wouldn't have her bra, her breasts instantly sagged. So many of her common household items were totally reliant on zinc oxide.

As the illustrative skit continued, the kitchen's sink and curtain rods, refrigerator shelves, and metal hooks would become non-functional and would disappear (and cause serious problems). The lack of the heat control on the stove could cause the housewife's kitchen to catch fire.

Other items that would become inoperative would be the safety catch on her son's (Steve Lee) rifle (causing it to accidentally fire and kill him), the home's fire extinguisher, and the emergency brakes on her car - her vehicle would crash through her kitchen wall if the zinc oxide was removed.

As the housewife struggled with the conditions in her destroyed kitchen, the Narrator continued to mention other items that she would be missing - a blanket and a bucket of sand to extinguish the fire, her husband's (Arnold Weiss) heart pace-maker (causing his death), and the housewife's own false-prosthetic leg:

Yes, zinc oxide at work in our daily life. Watch for 'Science Series No. 7' - 'Rebuilding Your Home.'

A parody of a Reality TV Series: ("Thrill Seekers" - Airing from 1973-1974)

"Danger Seekers"

A Host (Ed Griffith) hyped the appearance of an Evel Knievel look-alike, a danger-seeker and daredevil named Rex Kramer (Robert Starr) - an adventurer who was fearless and took risks:

It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!

In an alleyway in a ghetto neighborhood, Kramer (dressed in a jumpsuit with a helmet) chose to seek thrills and danger by shouting the "N" word in the middle of a group of six African-Americans playing a dice game (Cee-lo). He immediately fled and was chased and pursued by the angry group.

A TV News Show (Big Brother):

"Eyewitness News"

A Girl (Tara Strohmeier) and Boy (Richard Gates) were making out on their living room couch. She asked for him to turn on the TV to watch the "eyewitness" news.

As he undressed her and they began to make love, they were being spied upon through a two-way television.

The Newscaster (Neil Thompson) began to stutter and lose track of his news report, and his distracted three-person Technician crew (Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker, and David Zucker - the film's three screenwriters) also joined him and forgot that they were in the middle of a broadcast. They pretended to resume their work when the Boy noticed a change in the newscast.

After the couple orgasmed, the Newscaster thanked the audience: "Goodnight, and uh, thank you for joining us here on, uh, Eyewitness News."

A Fourth and Final Teaser for the Late-Night News:

11 O'Clock News (Part 4)

The anchorman's last teaser:

"I'm not wearing any pants. Film at 11."