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Talk:Myst (series)/GA1

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GA Review

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Overall, a good article. I'll finish the review a little later, but for now, here is Lead and Story:

Lead
  • (削除) The link to Stranger in the lead doesn't link to its intended section. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Civilization and travelling are both used in the article. Use either AmE or BrE consistently. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) 12 million copies. - I may be wrong, but I was always taught that numbers from 1-12 should be written in letters. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Myst drove adoption of personal computers and CD-drives, an attracted nongamers with its nonviolent gameplay. - First of all: what does it mean to drive adoption? Secondly, what is a CD-drive? A link would be good. Lastly, "an attracted"; is this a misspelling of "and"? And there may be too many "non"s in that sentence. (削除ここまで)
    • (削除) I still don't know what to "drive adoption" means. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Ubisoft is linked twice in the infobox. Once is enough. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Infobox: First release Myst / 1993 - Putting the year in parenthesis makes more sense to me. (削除ここまで)
Story
  • (削除) ten thousand years ago - shouldn't it be 10,000? (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) What is a "surface dweller"? (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Soon after D'ni - needs a comma before D'ni. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) realMyst in the image caption doesn't link to its intended section. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) their father's Ages trap - This sounds better: "their father's Ages they trap" (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) the brothers strand him in D'ni before they themselves - Is D'ni a location? It's not mentioned earlier, so I was a little confused. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Atrus' daughter Yeesha - "Atrus' daughter" is unnecessary as it's mentioned earlier. (削除ここまで) The Prince (talk) 12:41, 28 November 2008 (UTC) [reply ]
Games
  • (削除) Sony PlayStation redirects to PlayStation (削除ここまで)
    • (削除) There is another Sony PlayStation link in the article. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Myst (video game) redirects to Myst (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) 3DO should be linked to 3DO Interactive Multiplayer (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) In Myst players - Needs a comma before "players" (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Uru: Ages Beyond Myst#Multiplayer doesn't link to its intended section. I would also decapitalise "Multiplayer". (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Uru was to ship with a Massively multiplayer online portion, Uru Live - I would change that to: "Uru was to ship with a massively multiplayer online portion, Uru Live". I would also link to Myst Online: Uru Live (削除ここまで)
    • (削除) "Massively" needs to be decapitalised. Also, I believe there is a main article for Myst Online: Uru Live. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) I would link prerendered with pre-rendering (削除ここまで)
I have done all of the above: in re. to Myst / 1993, that's just the template output; i can see about bringing it up on the talk page. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs (talk) 15:48, 29 November 2008 (UTC) [reply ]
Development
  • (削除) I would link to the Miller brothers in the first sentence. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) J.R.R. Tolkien redirects to J. R. R. Tolkien and Robert Heinlein to Robert A. Heinlein (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) The two brothers formed - "Brothers" is used a little too often, IMO. Here, I would change it to "they". (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) videogame -> video game (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Comma before and after Dunnyhut. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) With Miller stating - Rand or Robyn? (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) developing a sequel to several development companies who developed - overuse of the word "develop" (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) rendered in real time - you've previously written real time as realtime. Only one form should be used. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Actor's faces - put "The" before "actors" (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) D'ni. D'ni - sounds a little awkward (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) (pronounced [dəˈni:]) - why does this appear so late? D'ni has been mentioned several times before. I suggest putting it after D'ni the first time it's mentioned. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) D'ni links to this article. Might as well remove it. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Myst franchise. - link is unnecessary here. Also, put Myst in italics. (削除ここまで)
Music
  • (削除) and so Robyn Miller - change to: and as such Robyn Miller (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Robyn Miller would also produce the music for Riven - change to "He" as he is mentioned in the sentence before. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Jack Wall should link to Jack Wall (composer) (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) created the music, creating - overuse of the word "creating" (削除ここまで)
Adaptations
  • (削除) three book, US1ドル million book deal - hyphenate three-book. I also don't think the second "book" is necessary. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) entitled Myst: The Book of Black Ships - you've already used the word "entitled" twice. Change to "called". (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) September 3, 1997 - this can be unlinked. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Columbia TriStar redirects to Columbia Pictures (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Sci Fi Channel - 15 channels are called this (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) The developers entered into talks with McIntire and Vanderbosch, and gave the filmmakers permission to begin production. - Firstly, what does it mean to "enter into talks"? Secondly, I think you can simply say: "and gave them permission to begin production". (削除ここまで) The Prince (talk) 20:48, 29 November 2008 (UTC) [reply ]
    • (削除) Second point not addressed. (削除ここまで)
Reception
  • (削除) 6 million units - 6 should be written in letters (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) 12 million copies - Same as above. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) 1UP -> 1UP.com (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Fans consider Myst - italicise Myst. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Salon (magazine) redirects to Salon.com (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) while authors heralded - Who? (削除ここまで)
    • (削除) The authors should be linked as they have their own articles. (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) 'antiquated' - shouldn't it be in "" quotes? (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) violence, dying, failure - is there an "and" missing? (削除ここまで)
References
External links
  • (削除) Ubisoft website for the Myst franchise - Italicise Myst (削除ここまで)
  • (削除) Is there any reason why there are 2 spaces between the external links and the template? (削除ここまで)

I have now finished my review of the article. Once the comments have been addressed, I'll take another look at the article. The Prince (talk) 21:28, 29 November 2008 (UTC) [reply ]

I think that's it. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs (talk) 23:46, 29 November 2008 (UTC) [reply ]

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