User:Orangutang94/You are in Heaven
You , <insert name here> (???? – 2025) were born several years ago and now you are in Heaven.
[Insert pearly gates image here]
[Insert "Heaven, I'm in Heaven" gif here]
Feel free to (削除) whine or bitch.. (削除ここまで) excuse my French, process and mourn your earthly passing. It's a lot to take in, I know. But why fret? You are entering into a better place! I, St. Peter, am here about to usher you into the presence of God Himself, as you've somehow been written into the Book of Life. I guess Jesus does love murderers, rapists, and criminals after all, as long as they pray that magic prayer..
You at least want some questions answered?
Rest assured, you will get ALL your questions answered by the Lord Himself. Alas, I am only the gatekeeper at the pearly gates. But I will try to answer your questions the best I can until God Himself can provide you more answers.
And that also goes for the (削除) smart bitch... (削除ここまで) sorry, that wonderful young lady right there that just said "I'm not a boy". You're in Heaven too.
Welcome to Heaven[edit | edit source ]
In your first venture into Heaven, you may notice how the weather is partly cloudy all the time. Well, we are in the sky after all. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how "weather" does exist. (削除) Do not be alarmed. (削除ここまで) Be very alarmed. The clouds are crying on you. In fact, you may find in your Alive state that approximately 100% of the sensations and phenomena you were unfamiliar with in your days you were still not born are now conspicuously existent.
Remember how, when you didn't exist, you wasted hours and hours doing nothing at all? Well, this is exactly like that, with all the television you want. Anytime during day or night.
Perhaps you have noticed a light shining in the distance. Please do not approach it. In the past countless living like yourself have fooled themselves into believing it was the Sun, or possibly an UFO, or even God. However, it is none of the above. It's a rapidly-approaching car. If you get too close to it, it will kill you. Just like anything in this world can kill you. Because you're Alive.
As for any friends or family you have not left behind, rest assured. They know you are in a better place now. Despite your momma always worrying that you've done something horribly bad, she can also rest assured. Though she won't for another month, bless her heart. Other than that, they're doing fine, all things considered.
Things to do while in Heaven[edit | edit source ]
[Insert image of worshipping God]
You Are Heaven FAQ[edit | edit source ]
- Q: I am a good person in life. I live honestly, I respect others and I made every effort to help those in need, whether family, friend or stranger. So, where do I cash in on this?
- A: Right here!
- Q: I am basically a selfish, belligerent asshole, but I still think I am pretty sweet. I also think I did JUST enough good to make it to Heaven. What do I get?
- A: A complimentary robe, bottle of holy water, and a spot in the back of the eternal worship circle.
- Q: What's with all this music?
- A: Ah, it's all the angels and saved souls worshipping God, forever. [whispers] In reality, God just happens to like the ambiance that comes with this eternal elevator music, that's all.
- Q: Ah, okay. As long as it's not James Brown's music, I'm cool with that. James Brown was a weird guy with weird music.
- A: ..very particular, but okay!
- Q: Why does the bad person get all that stuff and I don't?
- A: No one is bad in heaven! As long as you believe Jesus to be your personal Lord and Savior, all your sins have washed away, my friend! But I guess they did more in life to get more rewards.
- Take O. J. Simpson, for example, who didn't have his come-to-Jesus moment and repent of his murders until one second before he died. But he at least entertained people, gave to charity, and gave Buffalo, New York a reason to live through those hellish winters during his playing career. Those very actions actually led people to Jesus, even though OJ almost missed out entirely. What did you do with your life aside from playing video games nonstop?
- Q: If I hadn't read this article or prayed that prayer, would I not have died and gone to heaven?
- A: Possibly. You also shouldn't have taken that second bite of that "heavenly-tasting" deep fried Oreo cheesecake ice cream with a Cheetos breading, smothered in butter, chocolate, caramel, sprinkled sugar, bacon strips, and more American cheese. You know the saying: the first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you here.
- Q: Can I become a zombie?
- A: Uh, why?
- Q: How about a ghost?
- A: .. what value would that bring? You don't need to be a ghost, you're a jolly spirit in Heaven! And we'll get our glorified new bodies after Christ conquers Earth in his second coming!
- Q: Maybe a vampire?
- A: I guess, but vampires in heaven no longer need to sustain themselves on blood. See that Lion and Lamb happily being vegan together? We're all vegans here. And bacon grows on trees here too! Bacon is vegan now, isn't that awesome??
- Q: That's kinda boring. Werewolf?
- A: Sure! You can pretend to be a wolf, but God has made you fearfully and wonderfully as a human! Why would you possibly need to pretend to be something else?
- Q: Animated skeleton?
- A: Um..
- Q: A transformer? Can I be Megatron and wreak havoc in Heaven?
- A: I'm beginning to doubt why Jesus wrote you down in the Book of Life..
- Q: A demon? Actually, can I be a girl just like that "nice young lady?" So a girl demon? Wait, no, heheheh, can I be my own gender demon?
- A: ...
- Q: Actually, is there anything to do here besides worship God and hang out with Jesus? Or dance? I hated dancing when I was on Earth. This seems all kinda boring..
- A: Wait, why are you being so fussy, didn't you want to be in the presence of God?
- Q: Um, not really.. can't I just have my own version of Heaven instead? You know, with an endless supply of Dr. Pepper, barbecue sandwiches, porn-o, death metal, gambling, gay sex, killing, robbing, scamming, raping, and beating people up? And blaspheming God's name all the time? Can I become God myself?
- A: ... YOU FUCKING HEATHEN! And you just made me swear! Jesus.. AND say the Lord's Name in vain! Get your ass outta here and say hi to Satan for me on your way down to Hell!
- Q: YES! At least I won't be bored in Hell like I would here!
- A: Hmmm, actually, if that's Heaven for you, and this is Hell for you, I think we've got the perfect solution..
Bye[edit | edit source ]
- Q: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
- God: Heheheh, little does our friend know he is actually in Hell. We're not actually watching him right there, I just designed a cell there specifically for him and had some demons pretend to be us and James Brown.
- A: I'm surprised you actually gave that scumbag a chance to get to Heaven.
- God: Well Peter, it was just an experiment after all. I only help those who help themselves, and I have to respect free will. And he chose his path despite this last chance I gave him. **sighs**
