Milky Bar Kid
"You know those two big sticks? Yeah, they're the goals..."
~ Oscar Wilde on the technical aspects of shooting to Milky
The Milky Bar Kid, fourth time winner of the NoBells Prize, otherwise known as Milky, My Milky, Milk, Hi-Lo, Condensed, Powdered, Soy, Full Fat, Half-Fat, Rice Milk, Skim, Ultrafiltration, Buttermilk, Lactose Reduced, UHT and Unsweetened Condensed.
He is the official mascot for the milky bar, and ball-hogging. The milky bar kid milks himself over ronaldinho. Wears glasses and is indirectly racist towards anyone who isn't milky.
History of the Milky Bar Kid
Originally the world was made of dark chocolate, until the milky bar came along and everyone milked themselves and the world turned white. One chocolate monster did not fall to the moves of the milky and instead, slide tackled him and kept his cocoa, it was later found out he had no milk anyway so he was safe. Milky's first boyfriend was Hermione Granger but she fell for the ranga ways of Ron and cast a spell on Milky so that balls would always be glued to his body, this meant he could not pass in soccer, and it would be impossible to face less than 4 balls per over in cricket so he would have to hog strike. In his early career he did adverts for Nestle now and then but mainly focused on being a milk, having been replaced by a sucession of 10 other milks, 7 of which turned out to be drunken whoremongers.
Current Day
In the current day he recruits people to the milky clan, MMIM (my milky is milky) and spreads his milkiness to other milky people to bring the milk out of them. His main enemies are gangsta's and Ronaldhino who would milk milky anyday. Celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and King Kong once laughed at his milkiness but now love him from behind. Recently King Kong found out that milky is not milky at all and discovered that he apparently was a doosh and 'his mum liked men". These accusations are being taken up to the highest level of milky law in milkland, the milkyfield. On this field the two sides will take out their beef in a battle of milk. The chocolate monster AKA mudcake has sided with King Kong in using soy based milk but Lindsay Lohan and the rest of Hollywood supports the milky bar kid.
Rivals (in detail)
King Kong, king of gangsta's and being cool, this ape was a child of godzilla, he hangs out on the empire state building with his homies and goes to the nearest harbour town for food and gangsta soccer shoes and food. King Kong's sexuality has been questioned and it was quoted that "he likes men from behind", and can't get enough of hairy men, like Peter Jackson. The Milky Bar Kid travelled to America in search of King Kong but was clearly embarrassed when he told some gangstas that the only drive by he knew of was Mr Whippy.
Rules of the milkyfield
- 1. No passing, this will result in a red card*
- 2. No scoring of goals, a red card will be given
- 3. When missing the goals, you must pretend the shot was a very near miss, and find an excuse such as, "If it was a real goal it would of gone in."
- 4. Stepovers are a must
- 5. You must nutmeg yourself
- 6. If tackled you must lose the ball and fake dive to the ground, after which you must insist on a penalty
- If passing to Lindsay Lohan only a yellow card will be issued
The Milky Bar Milking
It is important for the milky bar kid to milk himself every day so that he does not milk himself on the milkyfield. This could cause embarrassment. When faced with Ronaldinho the milky bar has no defence and automatically milks himself.
Equipment of the Milky Field
- School shoes, this is great for making excuses after shots on goal.
- U6s sized soccer goals for optimum shooting chances.
- A deflated badidas from thailand for ball control
- Some cream to make the ball soft and smooth, ready for stepovers.
The tricks
- Self nutmeg
- Stepovers
- Self nutmeg stepovers
- Stepovernopassdive
MilkyField09
Following the success of the sport, EA games signed a contract to the rights and developed the video game with full sound effects and realistic game play. The aim of this game is to get past as many defenders as you can without tripping over your own legs. There is a new singstar style mic coming out where you yell "penalty!" when you get tripped .EA sports has recently released the milkystickTM which can be plugged into any console while playing the Fifa games. The controller only features the right analog stick and the shoot button.
Milky FC
The prestigious club of milks. This club is very exclusive and the only member is Milky, this is because he didn't pass to anybody so they all quit. The club was renamed from Perth Mod FC to Milky FC due to Milky being the only player.
Chocolate Milk FC
This team is made up of clones of milky who've been genetically modified to have the ability to pass (this also gave them a distinct chocolate colour), thus creating the ultimate team. This team was created by Ronaldihno because he didn't like Milky copying his mighty tricks. Milky FC has recently challenged Chocolate Milk FC and it has been predicted that milky will get milked everytime he gets the ball. Big W captains the team