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Whale bones

• Article feature date: 13 March 2013
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13 March 2013

Whale bones are, perhaps inevitably, the various pieces that, when properly assembled, make up the skeletal structure of the whale, Earth's largest known mammal. When improperly assembled, whale bones most commonly tend to resemble glass colanders, orange peelers, and circus tents.

Despite the fact that the purpose of whale bones is rather obvious and unremarkable as compared to those of other animals' bones, marine biologists and auto mechanics have been known to show particular disappointment at the predictability of this notion. Upon the initial discovery of whale bones, for example, many had hoped that they would contain high amounts of enriched uranium, or perhaps granulated dried onion.

Whale bones are noticeably very large, although on a cosmic scale they currently pale in comparison to stars, asteroids, and most man-made structures, and unfortunately lack the innate ability to transfer their possessor through time and space. This can be overcome somewhat by using them to construct a boat or automobile, in which case they can transport their possessor through space, but not time. As time travel has not been invented yet, this is not considered a severe drawback, although physicists do believe that the bones of whales will in fact be used as fuel in some of the initial trials and experiments to be set forth in this industry in future years. (Full article...)

Fred Basset

• Article feature date: 14 March 2013
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14 March 2013

Fred Basset is a comic strip about a basset hound named Fred Basset, and it is interesting. It isn’t interesting in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip, i.e. due to the presence of humour. It is interesting because for each strip of Fred Basset, someone presumably sat down, brainstormed ideas, created the strip and found the finished product amusing.

Of course, it is entirely possible that they didn’t, but the notion of someone finding Fred Basset funny is far too arresting not to entertain.

The cartoon was created by Scottish cartoonist Alex "Bell" Graham, who read a few Peanuts strips and thought "I could do something like that." Despite Fred Basset recently being voted the section of The Daily Telegraph that readers would soil with their coffee if they had to make a choice, Graham can be considered to have been correct in his belief by virtue of the fact that Fred Basset, like Peanuts, is a comic strip.

After mastering the efficient illustration of quaint British domestic scenes, Graham was in need of a premise for his comic strip. Fortunately, inspiration came to him in his own home. He saw his wife preparing their dog's dinner. When she was done, the dog ate the meal. Graham found himself chuckling incessantly. (Full article...)

UnNews:Scientists "discover" new fossils

• Article feature date: 15 March 2013
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15 March 2013

SALT LAKE CITY - Scientists at the tenth annual International Association of Cryptozoologists announced the (削除) invention (削除ここまで) discovery of several new animal species, some of which provide evidence that some creatures that were previously thought to have been purely imaginary probably actually did exist. "Our discoveries provide a factual basis for many--well, some--animals that were believed to have been mythological," Dr. Timothy Theodore declared to his colleagues.

Several of the fossils are in surprisingly good condition and comprise "skeletons, complete with skulls," Theodore said. "If one didn’t know better, one might suppose they’d been cast in plaster."

The Odyssey, Dr. Moore-Ronn, one of Theodore’s colleagues, features strange hybrid female human-fish creatures called "sirens the upper bodies of which would, arguably, look good in a bikini." The organisms are also known, more colloquially, as mermaids and appear in other literary works, including the Disney film Splash! and the animated feature The Little Mermaid. (Cont'd on page 5D...)

The Maori Show

• Article feature date: 16 March 2013
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16 March 2013

The Maori Show was a daytime television talk show which focused on the indigenous population of New Zealand, attempting to deal with important aspects of Maori culture such as teenage pregnancy, sexual infidelity, paternity test results, uncommon illnesses, makeovers, "out of control" teenagers, transgendered individuals, obese children, men controlling and abusing women, little people, bullying, and unusual phobias.

The show received a record number of complaints during its syndication do to the regular use of a lie-detector which doubled as an electro-shock generator. The device was frequently used during sexual infidelity stories and occasionally within paternity testing despite strong condemnation by Amnesty International. That electrodes were attached to the wearer's temples (and/or genitals) made the device more of a "forced truth-telling machine" as participants would be electrocuted if thought to be lying.

The lie detecting sessions often took hours as many participants passed out due to the excruciating pain or were left in a permanent vegetative state. As a result, show producers used these individuals as guests in episodes revolving around euthanasia. Also controversial was the inclusion of only three categories of responses: "dishonest", "lying", and "probable deception detected or something short of the truth, we think". (Full article...)

Nillion

• Article feature date: 18 March 2013
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18 March 2013

The Nillion is a number invented by numerologist General William Westmoreland. At age ten and determined to quantify the number of white doves he had killed Westy invented the highest number he could conceive, a number with so many zeros that they're impossible to count. He christened the number "The Nillion" and dedicated his life from that point on to finding things which could exist in high enough quantities to make the number useful: bullets, body-bags, severed ears, dead dicks, and uncounted enemies being among the many items that he attempted to raise to a nillion. (Full article...)

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