So I get this oversided envelope in the mail from Dell Magazines, publishers of Asimov's and Analog, advertising a science fiction cruise aboard the ocean liner Carnival Glory May 21-28 to Mexico and Belize:

"What are you waiting for? You are invited to join us for the First Annual Dell Magazines Science Fiction Cruise."

Hot dog! I've always wanted to take a Caribbbean cruise, and here's a SF group inviting me on just such an animal. All those Armadillocon panels I've shared with Stanley Schmidt and Gardner Dozois have finally started paying off!

Except... I read further, and see the dreaded "fans like you" tag. Uh oh. Then I see the price list. A large outside cabin with balcony can be had for the low, low price of 2,514ドル. Somehow, I don't get the feeling they're inviting me along as a pro. They only want me for my money. *sigh*

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I saw two movies on DVD over the last few days--rentals, both--and feel compelled to share my thoughts on both The Village and King Arthur. I wanted to see both in theaters, but for one reason or another didn't get the opportunity.

M. Night Shyamalan's The Village is in many ways much like his other films. Very atmospheric. Suspenseful, stylish, moody and atmospheric. The actors' performances are outstanding. I guessed what the big "twist" was right off the bat, as I have with Shyamalan's other films. This movie was a bit more mature, in that the director/writer abandoned his "finale flashback" security blanket to explain things to the audience. I liked that, as it was tiresome by the time Signs rolled around. The premise of the village being isolated from contemporary life was silly to no end, and the pretentious, pseudo-Amish the villagers spoke was illogical. But all in all it was entertaining, and I liked it a lot more than I was prepared to, despite its flaws.

King Arthur, on the other hand, was the most ludicrous waste of time I'd seen in a long, long time. Hard to believe medieval swordfights and battles could be boring, but man, director Antoine Fuqua achieved the impossible. After 45 minutes of watching the stupid thing, I was still waiting for a plot to appear. Also waiting for Keira Knightley to show up in that skimpy leather bikini which apparently protects against the bitter winter chill. Every five minutes one character or other stops to climb upon a soap box and preach about freedom and free will. The knight Bors was the only person in the film with a semblance of character development. The great battles with the saxons were mind-numbingly idiotic (Hey, instead of actually defending Hadrian's Wall, let's open the gates so the enemy can waltz in unopposed!). Arthur wasn't a Sarmatian. Sarmatians were indeed in Roman Britain, but they were hired mercenaries, not conquered slaves. These historical inaccuracies (and there are many, many more that make Borman's Excalibur look like a Ken Burns documentary by comparison) could be forgiven if it weren't for the fact that the filmmakers marketed the movie as the historically accurate, "real" account of Arthur and his knights. It is nothing of the sort. And to make matters worse, it ignores pretty much all the Arthurian mythology, offering little more than a round table here and there as passing acknowledgement of some really interesting legends they don't bother telling. It's tedious. It's boring. It's badly acted, badly directed and badly written. If you want to watch a King Arthur film, go with anything else--they're all better than this turkey.

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My review for the new Farscape Starburst Edition is now up over at RevolutionSF.

Seven episodes crammed onto two discs is an impressive feat, and the price — equivalent to what I originally paid for the disc containing "Premiere" and "I, E.T." way back in 2000 — can't be argued with. Gathered here is the first third of the inaugural season of Farscape, including the aforementioned episodes as well as "Exodus from Genesis," "Throne for a Loss," "Back and Back and Back to the Future" and "Thank God It's Friday . . . Again." Although the show is still finding its legs at this stage, there's not a stinker in the lot, and these episodes serve to introduce newcomers to Farscape to the strange and wonderful universe of this landmark science fiction series.

I love Farscape, and it is firmly ensconced as my all-time favorite SF television program (just edging out Babylon 5 and Quark). I also have a particular affection for Gilina--the PK Tech Girl--and still harbor resentment at the pointless way the series writers killed her off at the end of season one. They do get points for bringing her back in the episode "Jon Quixote," but still. I miss the dynamic she brought to the John-Aeryn relationship when she was around.

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With all the hoo-ha in the news about PublishAmerica lately, I find this tidbit more than a little interesting. I can't believe I missed this project back when it was proposed, but then again, the signal-to-noise ratio on SFWA newsgroups can be pretty gruesome at times. This is not an official SFWA endeavour, but rather an initiative of like-minded individuals acting on their own to expose Publish America as the fraud that it is. The following, in all its glory, comes from James D. Macdonald:

Now it can be told.

Do you all recall a year ago, when I was looking for chapters for a Bad Book, to test to see if PublishAmerica really was selective about what they bought?

Several of y'all helped that project by providing chapters--without knowing what the other chapters were, whether the chapter was first, last, or somewhere else in the narrative, what time of year it was, or much of anything else.

PublishAmerica bought the book.

If you want to reveal yourselves, you may. If not, pat yourselves on the back in private.

I've modified the manuscript in the following manner: I've redacted the "author" name. That individual, who actually submitted the manuscript, can identify himself if he cares to.

I've modified the acceptance letter as follows: I've redacted the "author" name.

Othewise, they are exactly as submitted and received.

You can read (download) the manuscript at
ftp://ftp.sff.net/pub/people/doylemacdonald/sting/StingManuscript.rtf

You can read the acceptance letter at
ftp://ftp.sff.net/pub/people/doylemacdonald/sting/Sting_acceptance.rtf

You can read the sample contract at
ftp://ftp.sff.net/pub/people/doylemacdonald/sting/Contract.pdf

Never again let it be said that PublishAmerica is "selective" in what they accept. Never again let it be said that they reject the majority of the manuscripts they receive. Never again let it be said that they are anything other than a vanity press.

This is poetry in motion, people. A book so bad that it may well rival The Eye of Argon in macro-suckitude. Naturally, I am heartbroken that I missed out on contributing. But perhaps my awful prose doesn't rise to the level of wretchedness required for this effort?

I'll leave you with one final piece of trivia about the bad book in question, provided again by the talented Mr. Macdonald:

The main characters in this book are:

Penelope Urbain

Bruce Lucent

Isaac Stevens

Henry Archer

Margaret Eastman

Richard Isaacs

Callie Archer

Irene Stevens

Andrew Venice

Arthur Nance

Isadore Trent

Yvonne Perrin

Rory Edward

Steven Suffern

Note that their initials spell out:

PUBLISHAMERICA IS A VANITY PRESS

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Gabe over at Dislocated Fictions has given Voices of Vision his enthusiastic endorsement, coupled with an imperative to purchase said tome. His phrasing may deviate somewhat from that which I would use, but I have to agree with the spirit of his words.

And if you're not familiar with Gabe, his Marketing Manifesto is, plainly put, a must-read.

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My review of the Mary Poppins 40th Anniversary DVD is finally up over at RevolutionSF. I know it's vogue to bash all things Disney, but damn, that Walt could really produce some amazing stuff in his time. Love it or hate it, that film's an American motion picture landmark.

Of course, I take a certain satisfaction in the knowledge that I am almost certainly the only reviewer ever to draw comparisons between Mary Poppins and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Hmm... recast Julie Andrews as Janet and Dick Van Dyke as Frankenfurter and you've got something interesting brewing.

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In 1982, Emmy- and Oscar-winning actress Helen Hunt competed for Team ABC on Battle of the Network Stars. She was a cast member of the short-lived sitcom It Takes Two starring Richard Crenna, Patty Duke and Anthony Edwards. No word on what events young Helen competed in, or how she fared.

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