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comma/period before 'with' [preposition]: was in the hospital, with a

Hello everyone:
I read the opening line in " catch 22" that reads : "Yossarian was in the hospital with a pain in his liver that fell just short of being jaundice. Then I thought to myself, " wouldn’t it be better to write: "Yossarian was in the hospital. With a pain in his liver that fell just short of being jaundice", or at least use a comma after "the hospital", as in "was in the hospital, with a pain in his liver that felt just short of being jaundice"?

Take this sentence: "I was talking with the girl sitting on the bench with long hair", which should be rewritten as ""I was talking with the girl with long hair sitting on the bench."


What do you guys think?
Thanks
"With a pain in his liver that fell just short of being jaundice" is not a sentence. The original sentence is fine.
Take this sentence: "I was talking with the girl sitting on the bench with long hair", which should be rewritten as ""I was talking with the girl with long hair sitting on the bench."

I see no relevance here. Sorry.
Hey high

Comma use is often optional, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily wrong to place one between "hospital" and "with" in that sentence, but it certainly isn't necessary and may well serve as a distraction to the reader, causing him to pause for no reason.

In the sentence about the girl, I figure you want to keep "with long hair" next to "the girl" because it relates to her and not the speaker or the bench. As sdgraham notes, that doesn't seem to be relevant to the Heller sentence.

By the way, if you can make it through Catch-22, you'll certainly get an education on use of the English language. If you haven't seen the film, it's one of my favourites.

Korn: "Listen, Padre, you're a captain, is that right?"
Tappman: "Yes, sir, but ..."
Korn:"And I'm a lieutenant-colonel. Is that correct so far?"
Tappman:"Yes, sir, it is."
Korn:"Then I guess I can call you just about anything I want to, unless, of course, you have some objections."
Hey high

Comma use is often optional, and I wouldn't say it's necessarily wrong to place one between "hospital" and "with" in that sentence, but it certainly isn't necessary and may well serve as a distraction to the reader, causing him to pause for no reason.

In the sentence about the girl, I figure you want to keep "with long hair" next to "the girl" because it relates to her and not the speaker or the bench. As sdgraham notes, that doesn't seem to be relevant to the Heller sentence.

By the way, if you can make it through Catch-22, you'll certainly get an education on use of the English language. If you haven't seen the film, it's one of my favourites.

Korn: "Listen, Padre, you're a captain, is that right?"
Tappman: "Yes, sir, but ..."


Korn:"And I'm a lieutenant-colonel. Is that correct so far?"
Tappman:"Yes, sir, it is."
Korn:"Then I guess I can call you just about anything I want to, unless, of course, you have some objections."

As a matter of fact I have . And it is a beautiful one.
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