Ether Fields

tumblr

2012年07月27日T19:09:00.001-07:00

I am much more active on tumblr
This is going to stay as a reminder of what I was thinking.

Bests,
L.L.

Worries of a twenty something

2012年04月22日T17:12:00.000-07:00

I spent about two days in bed hating myself.

Why don't I simply do the things that I know will make me feel better?

It isn't rocket science. It isn't that difficult. Get out of bed. Eat. See people. Talk to people. Exercise. Write. Read.

If you want to do something with your life, well ok just go ahead and do something.

Ugh it's too much work and I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to do anything and it'll never work. I'll be judged. I can't do it. I can't do it alone. I don't know anybody It will be a complete utter disaster and no one will care about it and of course the point of doing everything is to get attention and praise from other people. Yeah I need to get the most followers and the most views. And by doing that I have to promote myself and become a phony and pander like hell. Good job you're really following all the ideals you hold so dearly.

Good job you stopped yourself from even starting. You're so lazy you'll never accomplish anything.

If you weren't so lazy you'd probably wouldn't have dragged out this depression for so long. God why do you give up so easily. You make it like a snap decision. Why do you have no commitment and diligence? You're so freakin lazy. You're a phony. You want to cruise by and fool everyone into thinking you're smart but really you did the least amount of work and pretended you worked really hard and you deserve this mark. If there's an easy way you will manipulate people into getting it. And then feel guilty afterwards because oh, you didn't live up to your morals and ideals

Why are you such a snob and so picky about everything. Unless there's a guaranteed 100% success you don't think it's worth doing. Wow you're arrogant. You think you deserve nothing but the best. You look down on other people.

You know what fashion has done to you? It's made you into a total snob and wanting nothing but the most expensive and best stuff out there? You want to be the best. The one with the best clothes, the best outfits, the best the best the best

You can't be the best. You're just a nobody, part of the crowd. You are not particularly smarter than anyone else. You dont' create anything. You dont' contribute. You just stay at home and observe.

You like to think you're better than everyone else, that you're not oh ONE OF THEM, the common folk, the phillistines but in reality you are nto that special. The only thing that does make you different is that you're a complete utter failure and have depression so la dee da that makes you special. Why aren't so proud of that?

Oh it's special because people can pity you and you can manipulate them with their pity and use them to just weedle out more time. But you dont' do anything.

God I hate you so much.

this is a lazy post

2012年03月22日T19:42:00.001-07:00

Things are going fairly well in that I am leaving the house and got myself a part time job. My room is still a mess. I haven't actually done any school work and I berate myself for being such a lazy person.
Ah yes laziness.

If I weren't so lazy I would exercise.

I believe the biggest reason why I got depressed was because I stopped running in my last year of high school. Up until that point I was on the cross country and track and field team. Mind you I wasn't very good runner, but I did it. I lacked the discipline to actually train. And now I am still lacking the discipline to run or do any sport of sort.

I make up excuses. Right now the excuse is "It's too cold outside." Fair enough, I could however go to a gym. Then the excuse is "I'm self-concious and I have no idea how to weight lift."

I am not terribly self conscious of my body. I've accepted it's simply the way I am. However I am terribly self conscious of my legs. I find them disproportional to the rest of my body making me look chunkier than I am. And no matter how much I exercised, they never became any leaner. If I am not too careful, I fall into the trap of cankles.

I'm sick of the cold weather and wish for warmer weather. Warmer weather meaning dresses. Oh wait, no I don't like dresses because that means exposing my legs.

Right.

But this cold in mid March makes me eat so horribly. I have been living off of junk food and if I weren't so lazy I would actually go try to learn how to feed myself.

And if I weren't so lazy I would go learn how to do something.....like coding or whatnot. I'm falling into a pattern of going on tumblr and it's not giving me any joy actually. It's just something to do. Idling by.

Blah

Edita Vilkeviciute by Lachlan Bailey for Vogue Paris April 2012

"You’re always haunted by the idea you’re wasting your life."

2012年01月27日T17:15:00.000-08:00

"Graffiti Dreams"
Dazed & Confused // December 2011 Anniversary Issue
Ph. Rankin // Stylist: Katie Shillingford

I feel I am wasting my time compared to my fellow peers. I had a relapse at the start of the term and had to drop 2 of the 3 courses I was taking. Now I am down to one course and I have missed 3 weeks of classes since my sleeping pattern is completely reversed. I'm a bit defeated for I have far too much free time and no one to spend time with. I'm checking emails, bloglovin', facebook and tumblr all the time and even jumped into the twitter foray. I have a short attention span and I'm avoiding writing the 3 papers I owe this course (it's two terms) I can text friends who are busy with either school or work but I have neither of these things going for me.

I've started a photoshop course but it is only 5 classes so perhaps I'm learning some sort of useful skill. Other than that I have very little going on in my life which is disappointing.

I'm very disappointed in myself for breaking down during the term forcing me to withdraw from courses. I've been at university for 3 years and I've only managed to complete three courses. That means I've been a first year for three years and this September it will be for the fourth year because I require 30 credits in order for second year status.

I'm trying to stay away from tumblr and bloglovin' and get away from all this fashion frivolity that has become the huge distraction from facing some responsibilities. But I feel so utterly directionless and lost.

Aaah these excuses and past disappointments do more to stop me than anything else. When I cannot fall asleep at night I'm gripped with the fear that my transcript must be a nightmare. Multiple fails and withdrawals and three years with only three courses completed cannot look good if I intend to continue onto graduate school. I hate myself for not even being able to attend one class and I feel it is very disrespectful to my professor who has been so kind and understanding.

Instead I am left to wander the streets of downtown looking at frivolous things like clothing but being broke I cannot buy anything and I feel so empty. What is the purpose of owning a nicely curated closet if there is no place to wear it to? What is the purpose of reading countless articles if there is no one to discuss it with?

As much as I do like spending time to myself, when you are alone for so many days, it is not healthy. I know I must start exercising but...excuses.

It is a weariness that keeps me at a standstill.

crisp

2011年12月07日T10:14:00.000-08:00

Pauline Van der Cruysse by Aingeru Zorita for Razou

on happiness

2011年11月24日T02:49:00.000-08:00

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. - Ernest Hemingway

When I saw this on my dash, I reblogged it immediately onto my tumblr. It rang true because the bitch of a friend was the one who first proposed this idea to me. I wouldn't necessarily call her intelligent (might be biased) but yes she was clever in certain ways and her douchebag of a boyfriend had his moments. Every idiot has their moments of clarity.

This time I saw it appear on my dash again I thought it was unfair. "Stupid" people can be unhappy. We're at 7 billion people now or something? I would bet great deal of money that no one is happy and everyone is intelligent in their way. Although, my ex-boyfriend, he was not exactly very intelligent (in terms of academics) and a ~~happy~~ content fellow so exceptions exist of course. Perhaps it is not so much that you are intelligent but if you tend to over-think, over-analyse and dwell on past events (but really who doesn't) then you have a harder time processing the sadness and "be happy."

The first link that popped up when I googled the quote was this

"Intelligence is a gift allowing us to see with clarity and understanding, enabling the ability to solve problems quickly. The other side of that blade is knowing all the potential resolutions to a problem including the negative ones. It's being able to see the negative and realize the potential for failure that allows us to become our own worst enemies."

This leads to another reason why happiness among the intelligent is so rare. The more intelligent you are, the fewer people there are in the world who you can talk to as equals. The majority of a people are of a certain intellect that allows them to be content with the world around them, unquestioning and accepting of who and what they are and why they are here.

The minority who is blessed and cursed with intelligence sees a potential beyond simply getting up in the morning, going to work, and raising a family. They also wonder why they can't be happy and content with what makes everybody else happy and content. Everybody else chatters happily about television shows and what they are going to do over the holidays, but to him or her it all sounds like meaningless noise."

Thank god for other people's writing because they can put the ideas in my head in writing more eloquently than my scattered brain can at any given moment.

And the line about potential. That really kills me. What could have happened. I am pro at playing the what-if game and being disappointed in people.

Bless the internet. All those who wish to find a way to express their sadness can go there and feel less alone. So many of the tumblrs I follow seem to carry the same grief as me in some way or another. I wish I could draw, I wish I could take photographs, I wish I could paint, I wish I could write lyrics and sing but since I have none of those talents I'd rather just tumble away and use other people's talents to express myself. I could find a hobby, I could throw myself into learning computer science and programming, I could start running again or just focus on my studies but that's not how depression works. I simply have no motivation to do anything, let alone leave my bed. My computer and the internet is my one lifeline, one link to the world and reminder to look beyond my immediate situation because there is always more. Always.

On one hand this helps me deal with the sadness but on the other hand I basically become a potato. On the outside I look like a catatonic hobo on my bed in front of a glowing screen (no sleep schedule whatsoever but this appears to be a norm for the jobless and the people on the internet) and not eating/sleeping/functioning like any "normal" person. And I shout at anyone saying "Maybe.... you should try getting off the computer?" Leave me alone, I'm happy, this makes me feel better, I need this, this is the one thing that makes me sane, I can't deal with people, just leave me alone, this is something I can actually do, nobody is judging me, I feel less lonely because all these people think like me.

All these people seem to think like me?

Now that's an odd concept.
What no?! I am misunderstood! Forever alone! No one understands me!

There is a declaration throughout tumblr that the people around them infuriate them and they hate people. But somehow, those people on tumblr, they get you. Is the internet just where the intelligent people hang? No it's because the internet is big enough, diverse enough that you can find like-minded individuals, people who disagree with, people who agree with you and just find your place that makes sense. You find yourself in that you figure out what you like and what you don't like. Also no stupid passing thought is stupid on the internet. Turns out, other people have thought about it too. If your incessant commentary on life is considered annoying by people in real life, it is embraced on the internet. I mean there are the apathetic grumpy people in your average class and then really enthusiastic happy people on tumblr who will complain with you about how people are dull and stupid.

Or is it because the internet edits your thoughts? It sifts through the awkward delivery of real life and people can't judge you on your "good looks" and clothing and you feel less pressured? You can also write them off easily since well, who cares, they're some idiot behind a screen that you'll never know. Just another idiot among the idiots you come across with daily. Not to mention the internet is where all the AWESOME things happen. Any 5 minutes on the internet will be more spectacular than any given 5 minutes of your real life. I will most likely be studying. That's boring. Go on the internet and there's gifs of Harry Potter and silly webcomics galore.

And well, the internet doesn't really have consequences, at least on tumblr (I hope) People can reaaaalllly "be themselves" and just post endless things that make them happy and express themselves. And it's just so weird that through a simple meme, people can find something common in an instant. Can that happen in real life more often?

But why aren't we all friends? Why can't the people around us be those people on tumblr? There was a cute post going around along the lines of Facebook is like the friends you went to high school with whereas tumblr is the friends you WISH you went to high school with.

Well turns out common sense is rare. I have no idea why so many people are stupid. I have no idea why it's not the other way around.

There's only a small percentage of people on tumblr that exist in your immediate surroundings and a lot of filler people. Turns out....no...despite the overwhelming majority of tumblr-ers who seem to be your soulmate, the actuality is they are the minority of the world. And perhaps, they only exist on their computers and they are a muted version of their online selves in real life. And maybe I'm looking at them through the rose-coloured glasses (pixelated screens I think there's a funny analogy in there somewhere) and seeing the person they aspire to be. I aspire to be many things and I guess tumblr is where I find the examples. Not to mention, well tumblr has a lot of young (under 16 I'd say and this is total generalization) females who just post a shitload of fashion stuff (models and expensive bags and bloggers wearing ripped denim) and want to be famous /popular/powerful for some reason. My hope is they mature and you know, grow out of it. (it's a phase, please just let it be a phase for all of them)

Tumblr does the magical task of sifting through the billions and finding the hundred that are like-minded and who "get" you.

I feel like I belong in this world on tumblr that I throw my fist in the air and go "Yes! People like me! I am not alone! I CAN HAVE FRIENDS! MANY FRIENDS" I mean look at all the notes on this picture or quote!!! But they aren't here...physically and can't actual hug me, can't actually drag me out of bed. They have the exact same problem as me and they deal with it in the same way I do. Also, the whole To Catch a Predator thing makes people iffy about becoming friends via the internet. Don't blame them. If you are on tumblr, most of the time you're lurking and like to creep other people's lives without revealing anything about yourself. And then you find out they're creeping you and you go gah they know all these intimate details and the innermost thoughts of the people I know! Don't find me in real life!

There is always the hope you run into someone IRL who has common sense and who isn't a douche and is awesome as the people you come across on tumblr. Until then I am on the tumblr in my happy place. Maybe one day I will make a real human connection on tumblr and gasp meet in real life? I prefer avoiding reality and just lurking (no chance of being disappointed)

P.S. This will get edited gradually as brain function improves. Editing is good people.
I keep thinking naively that everyone goes on the internet! Therefore people on internet exist in real life. Therefore, they must be near me. Go forth and find! And then I remember I'm a hermit and only come in contact with people only online.

expecto patronum

2011年11月21日T21:53:00.001-08:00

Depression sucks.

I have no control over my emotions. I will be angry for two minutes and then sad again. I will be happy for half an hour and then emotional again.

So far all I've done is lay on my bed and watch episodes of Chopped.

I'm just waiting for it to pass.

I haven't felt "fine" in over 3 years. This relapse makes me feel as though I haven't made any progress at all.

I'm not sure why I'm being so candid about my depression but I suppose if someone else who has depression reads this, we can feel less alone. I have been only told a few people. Unfortunately in the last 3 weeks most of these persons have disappointed me.

I have severe trust issues I think. Nobody is infallible. I thought I chose friends carefully but turns out not really.

But really my behaviour is pathetic. Reading about Daul Kim. Listening to MCR. It is as though I'm imitating myself from 2007. Next I'll be wearing studs and guitar earrings.

I just wish...someone around me could understand what it really means to be depressed.

You know the internet is where people express themselves. But everyone complains. So when there is a serious complaint, a serious plea for help, for sympathy, it goes unnoticed. Most people just dismiss it as a plea for attention. We aren't heartless, it's just so many have grown immune and de-sensitized. I'm desensitized from reading things like this being told over and over again.

Just so much pain.

It's pretty bad this relapse though. Tumblr and Colbert aren't helping and I always thought they would remind me this world is capable of greatness.
Nope.
Still numb.

2011年11月19日T18:37:00.000-08:00

This is the most accurate portrayal of depression I have seen.

"It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."

But my sadness didn't have a purpose. Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason."

Depression sucks. Period. If someone says to you they have depression, don't ask why. There is no why. Don't say "Stop being sad." That is not helpful. Just be around and make sure they eat and go outside. Remind them every day it will get better. Tell them every day you love them and losing them would be unbearable. There is nothing else you can do.

Thank you Allie Brosh and I wish you the best.

Over the top

2011年11月17日T03:43:00.000-08:00

Why play it safe in hair and makeup when it comes to fashion photography?

via//

40s

2011年11月15日T01:04:00.000-08:00

Frida Gustavsson by Andreas Öhlund for Elle Sweden

src//

Among one of the best editorials I've seen.

nun

2011年11月11日T23:03:00.000-08:00

I have a rather severe style. I like crisp collars, sharply tailored button shirts and black. You can say it's prim and proper but I like to think of it as my nun armour. It sounds tougher.

My guy friend told me that the reason I might be considered more of a "bro" and not "girlfriend material" is because I am not feminine enough.

To this I scoffed I am feminine. To wit I shall post at a later date the things I believe make me feel like a woman. But I do have a rather manly way of dressing. I have always been a tomboy. I hated being in dresses when I was younger and as soon as I could start dressing myself, I would rather die than wear a dress or skirt. Dresses and skirts get in the way of running, climbing and playing. You had to be careful in dresses. Later you realise that not all dresses have itchy lace and pink so every now and then I will wear a skirt. My one rule is that skirts must have pockets. I don't get why girl blazers and shirts can't have breast pockets. Yes we have breasts but we still have to carry things and since girl pants are notoriously tight with tiny pockets, we have to lug around heavy purses.

I feel more comfortable and free in jeans, a button down and a pair of converses. I wear perfume, lipstick and have beautiful lingerie. Being a person means you have both masculine and feminine qualities.

There is also the notion that I don't play into the weak female persona. I have my vulnerable moments but to the most part I stand for my beliefs and I respectfully argue for them. Now that I am older I am more confident in myself and who I am. I won't let someone bully me and shut down my opinions and I have too much pride in myself to be taken advantaged of. It is because I am human that I am kind and sympathize with others. It is because I believe in intelligence that I cringe when girls play dumb.

The first time I swore at a person was last month. I was wearing my nicknamed dominatrix boots (aka these Camilla Skovgaard boots) and waiting for the bus. Some dickhead walks over and asks I want to hang out and I tell him no I am not interested go away. And then he says
"Wanna have sex?"
"Go fuck youself" was more than the appropriate response and I gave him my death glare until he walked away. I think a punch would have been pretty app too.

Wise people say dress for yourself and not anyone else. For both men and women, it is as though you must follow a guideline in order to be considered feminine or masculine when in reality it is a little of both. But with woman, it is majorly fucked up to think if I am wearing 6 inch leather boots it means I am looking for sex. I wear those boots because I feel strong in them and woman ought to wear whatever makes them feel strong without worrying about getting raped.

src: tumblr

src//

youth

2011年11月10日T00:21:00.000-08:00

Last week was absolute insanity. There will never be another like that. Last Sunday night and this Sunday night were polar opposite.

I feel so lucky that I met such a wonderful, awesome guy.

He makes what pain and anger I felt meaningless. He understands my humour and has such beautiful intelligent eyes.

What broken heart? Why would I ever think of killing myself? What disappointment with those I trust most?

It is the feelings that I have now that has made people continue on with their lives for centuries.

Despite how cheesy and clichéd it is (and aren't all things that are true clichéd and cheesy?)

love is what makes it worthwhile.

I hope everyone can find someone that makes them feel this way. There is also the deep love from my friends that I value so much. Despite being very outgoing, I am an introvert and have difficulties making new friends. The one I do have mean the world to me. Yes, three of them let me down last week. But there was one who made all the difference.

And now I have person who makes me smile deliriously. I still think this is too good to be true. Did life just seriously hand me a chocolate cake? I may be young but I've always thought of love to be like the ending of Drive.

On Being a No-Name Blogger Using Her Real Name

2011年11月06日T01:49:00.000-07:00

In a coincidence that’s meaningful to no one but me, I decided to start writing under my real name (and fantasizing about developing a broader readership) right around the same day I first heard about Kathy Sierra. Since then, I’ve been following the endless discussions about cyberbullying, anonymity, blog civility, to what degree this is the natural consequence of the internet’s fundamental character, and to what degree it’s the natural consequence of a misogynistic culture (online or off).

Everyone seems to agree it’s the natural consequence of something, anyway, and was therefore totally predictable. Being viciously, persistently attacked for the crime of Writing While Female is something practically everyone with an opinion on the matter regards as par for the course–regardless of whether they believe that fact is outrageous and deplorable or merely, you know, the way the cookie crumbles. (And regardless of whether they believe Sierra’s real mistake was Writing While Female or Writing While Having a Legal Name or Writing While Writing ‘Cause Hey, Welcome to the Internet, Sport!)

And this agreement that ~~bitch should have seen it coming~~ the real problem (whatever that may be) is old as the internet leads many, many people to the same handful of conclusions. It fascinates me to see how, sometimes in the same breath, people offer the following advice to bloggers, as if every bit of it is perfectly obvious, consonant with all the rest of it, and guaranteed to end the problem:

Anyone with half a brain will take precautions, including but not limited to: writing under a pseudonym, making that pseudonym male or gender-neutral if you’re one of them lady bloggers, disabling anonymous comments, masking one’s personal information, being circumspect about publishing identifying details, and not writing anything that might inflame the crazies. (Like, you know, a tech blog.)
If you fail to take all of those precautions and thus attract yourself a crazy, the proper course of action is as follows: quit being a whiny titty-baby, because no one ever carries out online threats, and it’s probably some 14-year-old in his parents’ basement anyway.
If you’re pretty sure it’s not some 14-year-old in his parents’ basement and your safety is legitimately threatened, contact the authorities. Then quit blogging if you can’t take the heat.
Either that or keep blogging, because if you don’t, the terrorists have won.
Special bonus advice for women: be afraid, be very afraid. The threat is especially real for you.
Special bonus advice for women, part 2: if you’d just quit living in fear, the threat would go away, because it’s all in your head. Liberate yourself!

Taking all of that in in dribs and drabs, separated by lots of intelligent debates and lots of pointless horseshit, I had the same reaction a lot of women have when trying to process information about online harassment and safety. It goes like this:

Half of brain: Oh my god, I’m not doing enough to protect myself. I’m such an IDIOT! Why am I using my real name? Why am I writing about issues that I know people fucking freak out about? What kind of a narcissistic twit am I anyway to think my little voice will add anything useful to the blogosphere? Why do I feel the need to do this at all? What have I already published that people could use against me? What if there are already crazies out there Googling me? They could find out where I live in ten seconds. Should I be walking the dogs alone at night? What do I need to go back and delete? The whole thing? Should I start using a pseudonym? Why did I even name my blog after myself instead of at least coming up with a clever title for this one–like, could I trumpet "KATE HARDING" just a little louder? Could I be more fucking arrogant? What is wrong with me? WHY AM I SO STUPID?

Other half of brain: Wait, WTF? All I’m doing is publishing writing under my own name–i.e., the thing I’ve wanted to do most in the world since I was six. (Okay, the thing I’ve wanted to do most in the world since I was six was actually to publish writing under my own name and get paid for it, but that’s a trivial distinction.) I take responsibility for every word I’ve written, and I’m even proud of a lot of them. Why should some imagined psycho stop me from doing what I love and taking credit for it?

First half of brain: Because that imagined psycho might turn out to be real and come after me.

Other half: Well, you know what? FUCK HIM.

First half: Way to ask for it, dumbass.

Other half: Isn’t this all moot until I have more than four readers?

First Half: That psycho could be number five. You have no way of knowing.

The conversation continues in an endless loop, but I trust you get the gist. My favorite part of Chris Clarke’s awesome post on how not to be an asshole was where he acknowledged not only that women have heard all this shit a thousand times before, but we’ve heard it from ourselves. THANK YOU. Jesus.

Both the conversation I have with myself and the advice above it, for all their contradictions, have one clear message running through them: it’s my problem to fix. Not the psychos’. Not the culture’s, to whatever extent it fails to discourage and punish the psychos, who are often not even proper psychos but perfectly sane, if very angry, assholes. Mine. Alone.

That blows.

And yes, it certainly blows for men as well as women. The only person I know who’s suffered serious harrassment as a result of expressing opinions on the internet is my very large boyfriend. When it was happening, he felt frightened and powerless, which was the harassers’ secondary goal–the primary one being to make him shut up forever. They didn’t succeed at the primary goal, and this is all well in the past. But when I met him, not quite a year ago, and Googled him, as you do, I instantly found a site devoted entirely to explaining why and how my soon-to-be-boyfriend was a pathetic bitchass vile fuckwad who sat around in his parents’ basement trying to abridge people’s freedom of speech and had the i.q. of a fencepost and smelled like a monkey and deserved to be killed slowly and painfully and didn’t know shit about shit BUT OH HE WOULD LEARN WHEN TEH INTERNETS ROSE UP AGAINST HIM which was totally forthcoming and also he’d never seen a naked woman in his life.

That was still up, after all those years. Which was cool insofar as it made me laugh my ass off (followed promptly by my making damn sure he’d seen at least one naked woman in his life); much less cool insofar as it represented the merest taste of what he’d actually been through. So my boyfriend bristles when people talk about online harassment as a women’s issue. Understandably.

And to that I say, honey, I love you more than anything, and I don’t mean to diminish what you went through one bit, but maybe you should close this window now.

Because online harassment is still a women’s issue.

It’s a women’s issue because those goals up there–making somebody feel afraid of speaking, making somebody feel powerless to stop what’s being done to them, making somebody feel like the only recourse is to shut up and hide out forever–are the goals a whole lot of men still hold dear and work towards for all women.

You, dear male reader, are totally not one of those men. I know this, and I appreciate it. I really do. But here’s where all this victimy girl shit concerns you:

every time you don’t tell your buddies it’s not okay to talk shit about women, even if it’s kinda funny;
every time you roll your eyes and think "PMS!" instead of listening to why a woman’s upset;
every time you call Ann Coulter a tranny cunt instead of a halfwit demagogue;
every time you say any woman–Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Phyllis Schlafly, Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, any of us–"deserves whatever she gets" for being so detestable, instead of acknowledging there are things that no human being deserves and only women get;
every time you joke about how you’ll never let your daughter out of the house or anywhere near a man, ’cause ha ha, that’ll solve everything;
every time you say, "I don’t understand why thousands of women are insisting this is some kind of woman thing";
every time you tell a woman you love she’s being crazy/hysterical/irrational, when you know deep down you haven’t heard a word she’s said in the past 15 minutes, and all you’re really thinking about is how seeing her yell and/or cry is incredibly unsettling to you, and you just want that shit to stop;
every time you dismiss a woman as "playing the victim," even if you’re right about that particular woman...

You are missing an opportunity to help stop the bad guys.

You’re missing an opportunity to stop the real misogynists, the fucking sickos, the ones who really, truly hate women just for being women. The ones whose ranks you do not belong to and never would. The ones who might hurt women you love in the future, or might have already.

‘Cause the thing is, you and the guys you hang out with may not really mean anything by it when you talk about crazy bitches and dumb sluts and heh-heh-I’d-hit-that and you just can’t reason with them and you can’t live with ‘em can’t shoot ‘em and she’s obviously only dressed like that because she wants to get laid and if they can’t stand the heat they should get out of the kitchen and if they can’t play by the rules they don’t belong here and if they can’t take a little teasing they should quit and heh heh they’re only good for fucking and cleaning and they’re not fit to be leaders and they’re too emotional to run a business and they just want to get their hands on our money and if they’d just stop overreacting and telling themselves they’re victims they’d realize they actually have all the power in this society and white men aren’t even allowed to do anything anymore and and and...

I get that you don’t really mean that shit. I get that you’re just talking out your ass.

But please listen, and please trust me on this one: you have probably, at some point in your life, engaged in that kind of talk with a man who really, truly hates women–to the extent of having beaten and/or raped at least one. And you probably didn’t know which one he was.

And that guy? Thought you were on his side.

As long as we live in a culture where the good guys sometimes sound just like the misogynists, the misogynists are never going to get the message that they are not normal and that most people–strong, successful men included–do not hate women.

When you trivialize what even the women you love are saying to you, when you let sexist remarks slide, when you insist that women view things from your perspective (rational! calm! reasonable!) because you don’t feel like trying to see theirs (emotional! hysterical! nuts!), when you sit around laughing with other men about how crazy chicks are before you go home to the wife and daughters you love more than life and always treat with respect, when you say the fact that online harassment disproportionately affects women somehow doesn‘t mean we should be considering it through the lens of women’s experiences in particular, you’re not fucking helping. You’re being willfully obtuse. You’re enjoying the luxury of not having to take what we’re telling you seriously–and that’s why we get so goddamned frustrated and angry and hysterical. Because we don’t have the option of not caring about this shit, and you just keep telling us not to.

And because the really bad guys don’t pop out of thin air as fully formed misogynists. They need encouragement and reinforcement in order to completely miss the fact thatthere’s something deeply fucking wrong with them. Subtle sexism gives them that. Keeping your mouth shut about overt sexism gives them that. Not really listening to the women you love, let alone women you don’t even know–thereby being one more guy sending a message to women that we’re only worth listening to on men’s terms–gives them that. Telling yourself and anyone who will listen that that’s just the way it is, and people need to quit whining gives them that. How can they clue into the fact that there’s something deeply fucking wrong with them when so many guys are acting just like they do in public, or at least never calling them out?

And that goes double on the internet. It’s all well and good to advocate for ignoring trolls, except for the part where they don’t go away. They replicate like fucking Gremlins, and not a few of them are nakedly hostile toward women just for being women. And whenever a woman says, "Hey, anyone else notice how trolls especially go after women and say some shockingly hateful shit, apparently just because we’re women?" tons of good men come out of the woodwork to say, "Hey, trolls do this to everyone, not just women!" and "Maybe they just don’t like what those particular women were saying!" and "The reason you’re not taken seriously is that you insist on playing the victim!" and "I’m not a dick, so this hurts my feelings!" Not nearly as many say, "Yeah, wow, good point."

(In case my beloved ignored my directive to get lost earlier: Thank you for being one of the latter, especially in light of your own experience with harassment.)

I read a lot of feminist blogs. I read what fat acceptance blogs there are out there. I read the comments–the moderated comments–and from those, I know bloody well the only reason I haven’t yet heard I’m a worthless cunt who deserves to be raped is that nobody knows I exist yet.

If the internet ever figures out that I exist, you can be damn sure I’ll hear that and worse. And if it escalates into something truly frightening, one of the first things people will say is that it could have been avoided if I hadn’t been so stupid as to blog under my own name, to make it so easy for people to hurt me.

This theoretical trauma could also have been avoided, of course, if I’d never blogged at all. If I hadn’t fallen in love with writing when I was six. If I’d developed a talent for something else. If I’d been born male. If I’d not been born at all–shit, if I’d only had the foresight not to be born at all, I wouldn’t have been raped when I was 17, either. Seriously poor planning on my part–everyone knows the more invisible a woman is, the safer she is. You can’t get more invisible than not existing!

My generation of women was taught to believe we could grow up to be anything we wanted to be. All I can ever remember wanting to be is a writer named Kate Harding. Not a firefighter or a cop or a soldier or an astronaut or a dogcatcher or anything anyone worried might be remotely dangerous. Just a writer named Kate Harding.

So that’s what I am, and will continue to be, because I love it and I don’t know how to be anything else. But it is fucking dangerous, as it turns out. Dangerous because I use my real name and especially dangerous because it’s a female name.

But hey, that’s my problem to deal with. I should probably quit whining now.

Just eloquence and truth.

Skincare

2011年11月02日T19:15:00.000-07:00

This skincare post has been a while in the making. My regime is rather complicated...

My skin has always been very good. I've had baby soft skin for a long time. During puberty I was very lucky and only got the odd pimple here and there. My main problems are blackheads and visible pores in my nose area.

Left to right: cleansers, toner, serum, moisturizers, sunscreens

I follow a basic 5-step regime:
1. Cleanse
2. Tone
3. Serum
4. Moisturize
5. Sunscreen

The most important thing about skin is that different parts of your face has different needs. My nose is different from my cheeks. Moisturizer cannot be used as an eye cream or neck cream. That's why I have so many products because I adjust what to use depending on how my skin is that day.

There are two unbreakable rules I follow:
1. Sunscreen is applied EVERYDAY regardless of weather and it is re-applied throughout the day.
2. Wash your face before going to bed, always

Cleansers:
Yes to (Carrots) Tomato Facial Wash: I like this one for daily use. It smells heavenly and Yes to Carrots is an affordable organic skincare line.
Dr. Hauschka's Cleansing Cream: Love love love this product! It is the only thing that has gotten rid of my blackheads. I use it on the days when my skin needs heavy cleaning. Otherwise it's once a week for exfoliation.
Shu Uemura Cleansing Oil: I'm using the yellow one but the purple one is really good but it was sold out. Cleansing oil is great for getting rid of makeup (I rarely wear it) and deep cleaning.
Aesop Parsley Seed Facial Cleansing Oil: I bought this in New York since it's impossible to find Aesop in Canada. I don't find it as effective as the Shu Uemura cleansing oil but I do like the smell

Toner:
It's difficult to find a toner I like. All of them contain alcohol and parfum which is bad. I like this one from Avene but to be honest I don't use toner often. There's one from Kiehl's that's very good too.

Serums:
Decleor Ylang Ylang Oil: Only used on the nose to keep those blackheads away
Kiehl's Midnight Recovery Concentrate: Love the smell, great product.
You apply serum while the toner is still wet on your skin. Put a few drops in the palm of your hands and rub together to warm it up.

Eye Cream:
Since I'm still young I don't need a specialized eye cream. I use the one from Burt's Bees and it smells heavenly.

Moisturizers:
Yes to Tomatoes: This line is meant for oily-combo skin and I love the smell of this moisturizer
Caudalie Vinopure fluid: Non-greasy and very moisturizing
Clinique dramatically different moisturizing gel: Very basic and I use it whenever I just want to clear my skin

Sunscreen:
The most important step! It took a while to find a sunscreen that was non-greasy and had physical ingredients (titanium oxide or zinc oxide)
Josie Maran: Love this for mornings
Shiseido for kids: Perfect sunscreen! High percentage of zinc oxide and doesn't leave my skin feeling congested.

I read a lot of product reviews and I'm always excited to try new products. The skincare section at Sephora is one of my favourite places. Since I have oily skin, I usually do not put any products on my skin and just wash with water for one day to let my skin self-regulate itself. Of course drinking water is key and I stay hydrated by taking my Sigg bottle with me everywhere.

I think anyone can have great skin so long as they put the extra effort. Look in the mirror and really inspect what problems you have. Use the internet to read reviews and then get samples. I love Into the Gloss top shelf for product suggestions. If you have any questions I can give you my two cents in the matter.

***Ooops I left out Caudalie Vinoperfect Night Perfecting Cream that I use as a spot treatment for sun spots.

manteau

2011年10月27日T23:26:00.000-07:00

Haha you're from Canada. Lots of snow, eh?

Yes it gets cold here. I would assume by winter it means the temperature is lower than the other seasons. We just happen to have it for longer periods of time than those who live closer to the equator.

agnès b. homme via

Winter means winter coat shopping. I already have a great black wool coat. It was wonderful find at Nordstrom Racks. A military black wool coat from Miss Sixty (believe it or not) that was 80ドル. I've had it for two years and it's perfect but you know you're always itching for a different option since all people see you wearing for a few months is a coat. Perhaps a nice navy or grey one to switch things up and let the other one dry and breathe for a day.

In 2007/2008 I saw the greatest trench coat of my life. I tried to hunt it down but it was sold out

It is from Portland designer Suzabelle and it is my goal to own this coat some day
And it didn't hurt that Natalie Portman had it in navy/black

Next coat that I really liked was from Camille of Childhood Flames and from Oak and of course it was sold out.

Here are some handy polyvores of coats that I like. I've also seen a few from Sandro that seem quite nice but they aren't on polyvore for some reason.

The one on the right is from All Saints and their clothes are very good quality. I tried on a few leather jackets in New York and I may get one in the future. I'm not sure if I would get a toggle coat because I find them a bit twee.

I would love to support Smythe (Canadian) but since it costs over 1K and I'm not the Duchess of Cambridge, it is not a likely choice.

You may notice my topics are Canadian-centric. We are not known for bragging nor are we as patriotic as Americans so I make a point to support my fellow Canadians as much as possible. Also, we're really talented.

the big three

2011年10月26日T21:04:00.000-07:00

There are a few people I cannot stand in the fashion community. There are only three that I absolutely loathe and in one issue of i-D, they mention them which really grinds my gears.

|1| Terry Richardson

No different from the photographer who took your school picture

This man is disgusting. His style of photography is neither innovative nor memorable and the one theme he does is sex. All his photos look exactly the same. He sexually abuses models yet people still hire him for campaigns and editorials. In any work situation, it is not acceptable for a man to expose himself and ask a woman, let alone a 16-year old girl, to grab his penis. I think if modeling agencies had any morals, they would not send any underage girls to be photographed by Richardson.

| 2 | Erin Wasson

Another collaboration that irritates me: Zadig & Voltaire teamed up with Erin Wasson to create a collection that sounds horrible.

According to Deluxe: How Luxury Lost Its Luster by Dana Thomas (a fascinating read I highly recommend it), Zadig & Voltaire clothing
is produced in Mauritius, where there is a higher attention to quality which I can respect.
Sweatshops and labour rights is another thing but considering the price point of certain

labels, I expect a higher level of quality. For example, Marc by Marc Jacobs clothing may look
well designed but the price is grossly inflated for the quality. A Made in China label
is not necessarily an indication of bad quality. Many luxury brands have factories in China
and send it to Italy or France to do the final touches so they can stamp a Made in Italy
or France.

But what really makes me furious about Erin Wasson is this quote. "The people with the best style for me are the people that are the poorest. Like, when I go down to Venice beach and I see the homeless, like, I'm like, 'Oh my God, they're pulling out, like, crazy looks and they, like, pulled shit out of like garbage cans."

However, Rei Kawabuko once said that she designs for the bag ladies of New York. As controversial as these statements are, Kawabuko said it in the 1980s and Wasson said it in September of 2008. Also, I make a distinction between these two: one is a highly conceptual designer and the other is, let's face it, influential because she was lucky in the gene pool.

Lastly her style does not appeal to me. She's famous for being a successful model and subsequently was able to create a jewelery line that was ridiculously hyped and lauded by fashion bloggers.

| 3 | Tommy Hilfiger

Note that the so-called racist rumours made on Oprah's show is an urban myth. I've never understood why this man is considered a designer. To me he's more like Jessica Simpson in terms of "designing". He may be well known for being an American designer and built a global mega-brand but in my opinion he is not even close to Ralph Lauren or Calvin Klein. Unfortunately he is collaborating with G.H. Bass & Co (my preferred brand for reasonably priced shoes) to recreate the infamous Weejun penny loafers. Why him?

I'm highly critical of these three and such are my reasons. Whenever I see these three mentioned I am biased to hate it automatically. Most of the time I ignore them but I was disappointed they were collaborating with companies I respect. I really wish i-D would stop asking Richardson to contribute since there are dozens of photographers who are infinitely more talented (and with better morals) who would love to be featured.

Aside from that, the August issue of i-D is worth flipping through if you get a chance. There is an interview and editorial with Raf Simons on Jil Sander as well as an interview with Hilary Alexandra retiring from the Daily Telegraph.

In more consumer-istic news

Look Gareth Pugh x MAC! A collaboration I wholly support. I'm more into skincare than makeup but I do want that bag. Unfortunately it is 90ドル CAD. Sigh.

row crew

2011年10月15日T02:09:00.000-07:00

I've been through J.Crew a few times on my visits to the States but I've never been impressed by the quality of their clothes, especially given the price hike in the last few years.

They style their clothes very well so perhaps it is more of a source of inspiration rather than the place I would turn to for clothes. I'm assuming much of the styling is because of Jenna Lyons.

via//

bubble

2011年10月13日T01:29:00.000-07:00

Why style bubble will always remain one of my favourite fashion bloggers: click

This is a shoot Susie styled back in 2006; Can't remember the specific publication

I've been reading fashion blogs since 2006. That's a long time. The 2007 collections will remain my favourite. I remember when Susie was still posting on mystylediary. That's how long I've been following this phenomenon. I would check thesartorialist (before his ego took over) and I would save the photos of the well-dressed New Yorkers.

This photo is from 2006 and I'm stilling looking for that trench; The Sartorialist

Very few fashion blogs have remained as popular as Style Bubble. Many have stopped posting. A new crop of blogs (along with the new methods of blogging) have popped up over the years but I don't think anyone's content can match Style Bubble.

iv. canadian

2011年10月11日T02:52:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Grandoise Lab

How perfectly morbid and beautiful. I must also commend this because it's Canadian!

But I wouldn't want to use this soap; it would be for display purposes and I would actually be upset if someone did use it wash their hands.

On the subject of Canadians, I was happy to see Naomi Klein on Up with Chris Hayes.

I'm so happy msnbc doesn't put a region block so I can enjoy his show online. I am most certainly not a morning person and on the weekends, even less so.

And thank god I found out about him. Colbert and Stewart are off this week!

It has begun. There is less time with the sun and the weather is getting colder.

I'm considering burning my Tocca Stella candle but it just looks so pretty. I really like that all Tocca candles come with their own beautiful matchbook and of course I don't want to use it.

I think this is a relatively good start on my goal to blogging more often and with more writing. It's on the more frivolous side but it's a start. I've already edited it a few times because I have found grammatical and syntax errors. I would appreciate if you find a mistake to let me know about it.

I think part of my reluctance (or lack of wanting) to be more pro-active on my blog is because I'm gun shy of putting myself out on the internet. It's a wonderful but scary place, full of judgement.

People can hide behind their screens but I too can just as easily hide behind mine.

the rain in spain

2011年10月09日T16:02:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to try and do more writing on this blog. For one, my spelling is atrocious in comparison to my grade 7 self or I'm just lazy now because I can use google whenever I don't know how to spell something.

I also need to work on articulating my ideas. There is nothing wrong with free conscious writing but it's better if people are actually able to follow your train of thoughts. Editing is necessary.

Blogs have the option of comments meaning there is the possibility of a dialogue and I'm hoping to incite a discussion here. I'm wrapped up in my own head too much and that needs to change.

I need an outlet for my opinionated self and I'm going to work on producing at least one post a week here. My tumblr is so self-indulgent and calming that it makes me neglect this blog.

I will sorely miss you. To paraphrase Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, it's as though he died way before hitting old age like the other great inventors and we didn't get to milk him for everything he had. His work was not done yet. He was perhaps the greatest salesman of all time and no one could make you lust for a product like he did. Turns out competence is not common. Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing

I still use my iPod nano 2nd generation and I never got into the craze of owning the latest apple gadget because they can withstand my constant abuse. I put the nano through the wash once and flipped out thinking it was dead. I let it dry for a few days and it worked fine.

Erdem

2011年10月05日T05:29:00.001-07:00

Erdem

Oh...kay?
Polyvore automatically posts to your blog when you make a set. I see what you did there Polyvore.

d'accord

2011年10月03日T05:43:00.000-07:00

Why I hate street style photography by Anders Christian Madsen

If you’re a woman and you want to be photographed by a major street style photographer, follow these simple rules: wear lots of big tawdry jewellery, have a tiny it-clutch (because that’s so practical for fashion week), wear heels that look like they were built in Lego by a special child, try to be a model or at least have a model’s body, and most importantly, wear a runway look. You’re only allowed to style your outfit with accessories. Apart from that you should be in a full look from a major fashion label, the way it was worn on the runway. Should you not live up to the body requirements, you may be still be featured but only as an accessories shot. There are no fat people in the street, as you know..

I don't get the appeal of Hanneli and Madsen pretty much sums it up why.

Hermy-own

2011年10月01日T00:13:00.000-07:00

A 47-min documentary has been made on the artisans behind Hermès.

View it all here

At times (usually midterm season) I have dreamt of moving to France and becoming an apprentice at one of the Hermès ateliers. I imagine it to be rather peaceful, although I am not good with detailed and precise work with my hands. There are very few people I know that are capable of making one thing start to finish by hand and hold up the finished product proudly.

My Bill Cunningham New York DVD is on its way and I can't wait for the extra features.

which one?

2011年09月19日T03:19:00.000-07:00

Phil Oh and Tommy Ton capture it best.

Sober

2011年08月16日T23:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you Susie Bubble